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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've slept with a man that has a wife and child

390 replies

RegretIsMyMiddleName · 17/03/2017 13:56

NC as this is quite specific.

I met a guy on OLD. We spoke for a while and have been dating for a while now. We speak basically everyday but at times I could never get hold of him. This didn't concern me as I realised people have busy lives and can't always reply.

We've dtd, we spoke about a future but then over dinner last night as he was back in my city for a business trip he told me that he's falling for me - as I have him! But he has a wife and child. He wants us to take it slow. He says he doesn't love her anymore and is only with her so he can be close to his child.

I feel awful. I feel like a dirty OW. I have fallen for him and I believe he has for me but never would I have never guessed that he is/was married and has a child.

I wouldn't be bothered if he had a child but the fact is he has a family and I've basically naively been thinking we could be together.

He says he wants us to be together but now I'm questioning everything. Fundamentally I feel like an awful person - his wife was probably at their home last night feeding their child and reading them a bedtime story whilst he was drinking cocktails with me.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 18/03/2017 17:19

Bravo op. You done good Flowers Flowers Flowers

Lelloteddy · 18/03/2017 17:54

You've done the right thing OP.

xStefx · 18/03/2017 18:04

Good on you op, I know it's hard but the heartache of getting over him now will be less than the heartache to come if you were to stay with him xx

1horatio · 18/03/2017 18:09

OP, you've done the right thing Flowers Star

It's not your fault. There's nothing to be embarassed about...

I can't actually get my head around why a man would cheat on his wife and 5yo child and do so with such calmness, charm and apparent transparency.

Well, maybe he just doesn't have the capacity to feel shame/empathise with his DC, DW and you... People like that do exist...

Anyhow. Good luck. You deserve better.

Heirhelp · 18/03/2017 18:12

Well done OP. I believe you are right to make yourself the first priority. You have had a shitty thing happen to you and you need to be kind to yourself. Make sure you organise some treats for yourself big and/or small.

Dozer · 18/03/2017 18:14

Not your fault at all for having dated him: he clearly lied very well. Horrible for you.

In your shoes I would find and tell his wife, not for vindictive reasons but because in general I think information/disclosure is good, gives people options. But understandable if you don't.

RiverdaleJughead · 18/03/2017 19:06

Go get your hair and nails done ( i know that sounds v cliche and ChickFlick but honestly that and a new outfit often makes us feel more prepared, revived, changed into a new person and ready to tackle the world more easily .
Maybe tell a close friend you can confide in - i know i wouldn't judge my friends in your position.
Throw yourself into something knew ( something to work anger out? cycling, running, or something calming yoga or painting) or read a damn good book.
Take some time, forgive yourself for what ever you think you've done wrong ( would you blame yourself for taking drugs if you didn't know someone had put them in your drink? )
Then, try again ... a little jaded but also a little wiser.

Annesmyth123 · 18/03/2017 19:11

Well done op you've done the right thing. Have a bath, pamper yourself and onwards and upwards

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 18/03/2017 19:17

Well done op.

NewPuppyMum · 18/03/2017 19:27

You did nothing wrong up until the minute he said he was married. If you carry on talking to him never mind fucking him you're just as bad as him.

undeuxtroiscactus · 18/03/2017 19:38

This is awful. Cheating on his wife is bad enough but to reel you in, sleep with you knowing you wouldn't have done so if you knew the full facts, is despicable. Well, both things are despicable.

I don't particularly demonise people who have affairs, there are genuinely unhappy marriages that struggle along and then one spouse falls for someone else. It's not right but it's human, it's understandable. This charming man was trawling online dating sites though. The whole thing was totally calculated, and even if he has genuine feelings for you now, he will never make you happy and you will never trust him because you know exactly what he's capable of. The minute things aren't as exciting anymore, or you have to spend time apart, or he's stressed, or you have problems, he'll be back to his usual tricks (if he even stops in the first place).

If somebody slept with me under false pretences I'd actually feel violated because I would never have given my consent if I'd known the full facts, and these men know that which is why they keep schtum until they get what they want Angry. Makes me furious, it's so manipulative and exploitative in such an intimate way.

He is not a nice man.

It's going to be very hard to walk away at this point, but for your own sanity, wellbeing and self-respect, please do so now rather than going through the inevitable wringer later on. Just try and think about his wife, imagine if was your sister or one of your friends, imagine how devastating this would be. Don't do that to someone. Be strong.

GardenGeek · 18/03/2017 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wingsofdesire · 18/03/2017 20:47

I mean how the fuck can anyone conceal an entire family life.

That's just it. That's exactly what they do. It is unbelievably awful, and I'm really sorry you've had to find out that this is a real thing, and guys really do it. But in a way maybe good, because now you will be careful when you meet someone else. TBH, get one the same age as you, or younger! Less chance of baggage and them having graduated to a double life! (double, triple, quadruple - I'm sure for some the sky's the limit ...)

It is incredible, and I too wouldn't have believed it a few years ago - or would at least have thought it must be very rare. But, sadly, I don't think it is that rare.

Feel proud of yourself and so pleased to be you - you've found out and you've done exactly the right thing, and despite your attachment, want nothing to do with it. Well done. You aren't an OW and haven't been. If you'd carried on now, you would be - but you've done the right thing. Thank goodness some of us do! : ) xxxxxx honestly, give yourself a massive hug - I'm sure the wife actually would if she knew how well you've behaved now.

iwasagirlinavillage · 18/03/2017 20:57

Well done OP. It must have been hard for you to realise he wasn't the man you thought if you were developing feelings for him, but your feelings weren't for him, they were for an illusion that he made you believe. Fortunately you found out early enough that you have got a lucky escape. His wife on the other hand I feel sorry for.

miserableandinpain · 18/03/2017 21:32

Well done op. Flowers you did the right thing

GladAllOver · 18/03/2017 22:11

Just to add my applause OP for your good decision. Well done, and don't let this stop you looking for that good man out there.

illstopatone · 18/03/2017 22:21

I'm saying this from the wife's point of view as this is currently happening to me. I haven't seen my husband in six weeks and our DD misses him and he's staying with another woman.my advice is don't be part of breaking up this family. If he was an honest man he would end his marriage first. These things have a way of coming back full circle

SoulAccount · 18/03/2017 22:23

There should be a little queue of MNers apologising, LuciLucy, SilkieBear, AF, several more....

jeaux90 · 18/03/2017 22:54

Well done OP, be kind to yourself xxx

Atenco · 18/03/2017 23:39

Well done, OP. Selfish bugger had no qualms about hurting you, his wife and his child.

He all get fooled at times, you know. But you have your head screwed on, we all know it has not been easy for you to make this decision, but you done right.

MaeveTheRave · 18/03/2017 23:42

i completely agree undeuxtrois, sleeping with somebody when they know that if the woman knew the truth the could use their high bar and their judgement to say 'no' so they rob the woman of the chance to have a standard. Grrrrrrrr. An ex slept with me the night before he went on holiday for two weeks and he was just planning to let the holiday do the break up iyswim. I rang him (withholding my number first) and told him that it was a violation of a woman's dignity to sleep with her knowing that it was over. He tried the no don't be repressed, it was good, it was enjoyable line but I repeated calmly, no, violation. He was Spanish and the word violation means rape in Spanish (well, violación) so I knew I was making my point. Pendejo carajo. It's a fucking shit thing to do.

MaeveTheRave · 18/03/2017 23:50

OP, well done for walking away. I agree with the PPs who say take it easy, go easy on yourself, he's a jackass and you did NOT deserve this. Don't say to yourself ''I slept with a married man''. That's too dram. Take a while to treat yourself, buy yourself flowers, or a potted orchid from Aldi! do a work out, cook your favourite meal, listen to your favourite music. x

springydaffs · 19/03/2017 00:10

I think there's going to be many 'favourite meals' etc as you grapple with the shock of this. It's going to take a while Flowers

I'm so proud of MN sometimes though not always . Some kind and heartfelt posts encouraging you. I hope they are a comfort to you xx

SamanthaBrique · 19/03/2017 09:12

Well done OP. And I think those on here who attacked you and said you were being attention-seeking and would continue to sleep with him etc, should be ashamed of themselves. There was no reason to get so aggressive.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 19/03/2017 11:08

Well done

I feel for
You . It's such a shock when you find out that someone who seems kind and sexy is actually a scum . It's makes you trust your own judgement and you wonder if you have a radar missing !

Agree with the haircut pamper treat new outfit - be kind to yourself

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