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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've slept with a man that has a wife and child

390 replies

RegretIsMyMiddleName · 17/03/2017 13:56

NC as this is quite specific.

I met a guy on OLD. We spoke for a while and have been dating for a while now. We speak basically everyday but at times I could never get hold of him. This didn't concern me as I realised people have busy lives and can't always reply.

We've dtd, we spoke about a future but then over dinner last night as he was back in my city for a business trip he told me that he's falling for me - as I have him! But he has a wife and child. He wants us to take it slow. He says he doesn't love her anymore and is only with her so he can be close to his child.

I feel awful. I feel like a dirty OW. I have fallen for him and I believe he has for me but never would I have never guessed that he is/was married and has a child.

I wouldn't be bothered if he had a child but the fact is he has a family and I've basically naively been thinking we could be together.

He says he wants us to be together but now I'm questioning everything. Fundamentally I feel like an awful person - his wife was probably at their home last night feeding their child and reading them a bedtime story whilst he was drinking cocktails with me.

OP posts:

Cuppaand2biscuits · 17/03/2017 14:57

This happened to me. I walked away as soon as I found out and never looked back. Never heard from him again but he did leave me with a std as a parting gift. Gross.

Londonsburningahhhh · 17/03/2017 14:57

He says there is no animosity but they're more like friends than partners.

That line has never been told before eh. He is probably sleeping with her as well but now the little one is here sexy time is over. Have you considered having a future with him and possibly children "perish the thought".

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 17/03/2017 14:58

dump! not because of his wife, she is his issue

but because he is a cheating piece of shit, and you deserve better

silkybear · 17/03/2017 14:58

You are not a fool because you didn't have all the information, but you will be a fool if you pursue this now you know the truth. I would be tempted to let his wife know.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 17/03/2017 14:59

How old are you OP?

AmberNectarine · 17/03/2017 14:59

OP I am that rarest of beast, the OW whose MM left his wife and married her.

Before you get hopeful, here's how our situations differ:

ours was a chance meeting at work
we both fought our feelings for months before anything happened
when it eventually did happen (which was EXTREMELY shitty of us) and we realised we were in love, he immediately told his wife and left, giving her a generous divorce settlement (which they agreed amicably)
there were no kids involved

Your MM is a calculating, devious liar and even if he did get a divorce and marry you, he'd be back OLD before a year was out.

waterrat · 17/03/2017 15:00

If they were really friends - he wouldn't be lying to her would he? He would be allowing her to live a free life and look for someone else too.

Have you wondered why he is out actively looking for sex instead of sorting out his relationship with her/ being honest with her so they can co-parent together.

We live in an age where there is no stigma to divorce - if he wanted to leaev her and move to the next door road he could see his kid all the time.

he is a selfish arsehole and I wonder how long he had been OLD for?

Original poster

RegretIsMyMiddleName · 17/03/2017 15:00

Polka Not at all I'd say in general life - I manage a job, volunteering, have a great friendship group but just thought I'd give OLD a try as I'd been single for a while and thought why not. He seemed to be perfect for me in every way - he's exactly my type and I did genuinely think we had something. I'm more angry with myself atm because clearly this shows my intuition is so off as to be non-existant.

OP posts:

Goodasgoldilox · 17/03/2017 15:02

He is married and on a dating site... he is a cheat.

He has lied to you about being free.
You wouldn't have dated him if you had known.

He has not put his wife first and he hasn't put you first. (He has made sure that you will suffer if you leave him. This makes things better for him as you might stay but much worse for you as it puts in the wrong or in pain or both.)

He is a liar who puts himself first.

He said he and his wife are drifting apart.
He let you think that he was single.
He is such a liar.

What a wake of pain he leaves behind him.

Could you be in love with who you think he is?
He is not Prince Charming. I suspect that inside he is all toad.

Take back what is left of your heart and plant it somewhere better. Don't trust this man with anything.

loveyoutothemoon · 17/03/2017 15:03

He says there's no animosity but has he told her he doesn't want to be with her? Have they split up?

Original poster

RegretIsMyMiddleName · 17/03/2017 15:04

He's texting me a lot today. I feel a bit tearful right now.

I have taken this onboard but I won't contact his wife. It would seem vindictive. If what he said was true then I'd rather then he stayed in that situation and co-parented. I don't want him to spin a lie about me to his wife about being a bunny boiler or anything. I certainly don't want to blow up his family. I just want to work out where and how I went wrong.

OP posts:

Emmageddon · 17/03/2017 15:05

My friend fell for a cheating husband on OLD - he told her he was single, that she couldn't visit him at his house because he was in the middle of renovations, he worked odd shifts at work, his mobile signal was bad at certain times etc etc then he sent her a topless selfie, and in the background were a pair of straighteners. Cheating bastard was bald. She was gutted but deleted, blocked, moved on - and now has a genuinely single boyfriend. I'm assuming the cheater has made sure his wife's straighteners aren't in shot next time he decides to send his latest victim a photo.

xStefx · 17/03/2017 15:05

What are you going to do OP? Are you going to dump him?

Forager · 17/03/2017 15:06

I don't know if there's any way to protect yourself from an accomplished liar.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 17/03/2017 15:07

You believed an accomplished liar. So what? Who hasn't? Really not worth beating yourself up about. Move on and forget him.

Adora10 · 17/03/2017 15:07

Stop blaming yourself, you didn't have a crystal ball at the time did you; he's good at this; he's clearly done it before.

Get angry at him OP.

smashedinductionhob · 17/03/2017 15:07

"Hi Bob, thanks for the sex. I don't date married men and have blocked your number.
All the best,
Betty"

HarmlessChap · 17/03/2017 15:07

Similar happened to a female friend of mine, I also knew the guy but not as well.

I was telling her that he was a cheat and that all he wanted was to have his cake and eat it. She knew she was the OW but had swallowed "the script" hook line and sinker.

In the end (with some cajoling from me) she set an ultimatum, she would not have told his wife but wasn't going to play 2nd fiddle any longer. His marriage was rubbish which is why he let his head be turned, he did pick her but still wanted to take it slowly. He did leave his wife, rented a flat and they went back to square 1 and began dating.

Several months on they are happy, not living together yet but its on the cards. Yes he did things the wrong way, yes he was a bastard to his STBXW and yes I was amazed when he made good on his promises to my friend but it did show to me that these things are not always black and white.

In your case he was OLD so it is much more premeditated and proactive but you have to make your own decisions. You are aware that even if you do try to make a go of it, he as shown a prior willingness to actively go looking for another woman (or women) if things are not great at home.

However it goes good luck.

Londonsburningahhhh · 17/03/2017 15:07

You need someone who you can start off from scratch with and be part of the struggles to get to financial security. If he can't show respect to his own wife how the hell will he respect you. Remember he called her his friend would you treat your friend like that.

fallenempires · 17/03/2017 15:08

So what did you say when he mentioned that he is in fact married with a young child?
How did the night end?
Did you get up and leave or join him in his hotel room?

smashedinductionhob · 17/03/2017 15:08

OP needs help with these texts....

Lelloteddy · 17/03/2017 15:10

Exactly what Smashed said.
Stop him from texting you by dumping his sorry ass.

Then give yourself time to recover. Men like this are accomplished. You've done nothing wrong so far.

EpoxyResin · 17/03/2017 15:10

You didn't do anything wrong OP, you just didn't imagine that anyone could be so unimaginably awful! That only reflects positively on you. All you can take from this is that it's rare - be vigilant - but don't let this experience taint all your future relationships. I promise you there are many good men out there. They say "once bitten, twice shy", and you may well be twice shy for a good while now, but don't be disheartened. You'll find someone who is as good and as honest as you would credit them as being.

On an aside I think it's telling he didn't come to you with this honest and heartfelt confession before you'd slept together. What a prince.

ZiggyForever · 17/03/2017 15:11

But you wouldn't be blowing up his family! HE did that. Up to this point, you've done nothing wrong.

If I were the wife, I'd want to know. I reckon that if you do the right thing and dump him (and for your sake, I hope that's exactly what you do) he'll be straight back online looking for someone else. His wife should be able to decide whether she wants to stay with him or not once she knows the truth. If you don't tell her, you're essentially covering up for him and taking that choice away from her.

Yes, she'll be devastated. But I believe that, since he's probably a serial philanderer, it's only a matter of time before she finds out anyway. You're doing her a favour by telling her sooner rather than later. Screenshot some messages so that you have irrefutable proof, and tell her.

Brutal, but that's my opinion, for what it's worth

xStefx · 17/03/2017 15:11

Yes OP how did you react when he told you? did you just accept the script? or did you tell him you have respect for yourself and wont be sleeping with him any longer?

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