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Original poster

I've slept with a man that has a wife and child

390 replies

RegretIsMyMiddleName · 17/03/2017 13:56

NC as this is quite specific.

I met a guy on OLD. We spoke for a while and have been dating for a while now. We speak basically everyday but at times I could never get hold of him. This didn't concern me as I realised people have busy lives and can't always reply.

We've dtd, we spoke about a future but then over dinner last night as he was back in my city for a business trip he told me that he's falling for me - as I have him! But he has a wife and child. He wants us to take it slow. He says he doesn't love her anymore and is only with her so he can be close to his child.

I feel awful. I feel like a dirty OW. I have fallen for him and I believe he has for me but never would I have never guessed that he is/was married and has a child.

I wouldn't be bothered if he had a child but the fact is he has a family and I've basically naively been thinking we could be together.

He says he wants us to be together but now I'm questioning everything. Fundamentally I feel like an awful person - his wife was probably at their home last night feeding their child and reading them a bedtime story whilst he was drinking cocktails with me.

OP posts:
tigerrun · 17/03/2017 14:24

He isn't who you thought he was. He is a man in a relationship who is a liar and a cheat and was actively (and successfully) setting out to do so. If you continue to see him then you deserve everything you will get - which is obviously a cheat and a liar, because those traits don't go away and they are not especially for his wife - he will lie to you and cheat on you too.

In fact - if you think about it is exactly what he has already done, not only has he lied to you about his situation but he is fucking another woman behind your back AND has just confessed that to you (just to clarify I mean his wife, you can guarantee they are still having sex whatever tales he has spun you). Are you ok with that, are you fine with being with a man who is sleeping with someone else!? Is it ok that he is doing that because you have 'fallen for him'? If you have a shred of self respect you shouldn't be ok with that!

Get checked for STI's too - not from the wife but he will no doubt have been fucking other people too & lying to you about it (and if you have caught something consider telling the wife as she probably hasn't got a clue and things like chlamydia can be invisible illnesses with horrible consequences).

monkeyfacegrace · 17/03/2017 14:24

'Take it slow' Grin

Basically, he is married. If you spoke to his wife, she'd still say they were together.

He has lots of girlfriends. You aren't the first and you won't be the last.

I know you've said you've fallen for him, but it'll be worse in a year's time than now. Cut him off completely.

Even if you did eventually get properly together (yeah right), you'd never be happy with him being away on business, would you....

Goldenhandshake · 17/03/2017 14:24

He is a complete scumbag OP, please please don't fall for his bullshit, it is the oldest line in the book. You can play cheating husband bingo

"Only stay for the kids"
"she doesn't understand me"
"we don't even share a bed anymore"
"We haven't had sex in XXX months"

He will soon start to tell you what a nag/bitch/harridan she is.

The truth is he is an a-moral fuckwit who is only after no strings sex. He will not leave her, unless he is caught, slung out on his ear and has no other options.

Don't be his back up plan.

GladAllOver · 17/03/2017 14:24

He's being unfaithful to his wife. He could just as well be unfaithful to you in the future, or even right now.
Get yourself an STI test - you don't know how many women he has had his dick into.

IHeartDodo · 17/03/2017 14:24

If you've really fallen for him, you could give him a time limit,
eg: We won't see each other for six weeks, and if by then you've moved out and started divorce proceedings, we can see each other again, if not, then it's over.
I fear he won't, but then you'll know how much he really values you...

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 17/03/2017 14:24

I've not read the replies but have one word....DONT!

Seriously, dump him and move on before you and a whole lot of other people get hurt. He will not leave his wife for you, you are just setting yourself up for a lot of pain and one massive headfuck.

I speak from bitter experience.

Just DONT!

xStefx · 17/03/2017 14:24

I would tell her too, save the poor woman having another child by this man and wasting her life.

QueenofallIsee · 17/03/2017 14:25

He slept with you in the full knowledge that had you the full facts, you would not have done so. He is cheating on his wife. Take things slow means, be his bit on the side please.

OP, you are better than this

BeMorePanda · 17/03/2017 14:25

He's shown you who he is - believe him.
Don't make excuses for him.
Don't think your "love" and "feelings" make you special or different.
This is who he is - a cheater, a liar, a deceiver, someone who manipulates people so HE can get what HE wants.

Proceed at your peril - you have been warned loud and clear.

bloodyfuming9 · 17/03/2017 14:25

"He wants us to take it slow"

Wtf! Of course he does, as he has you in the background exactly where he wants you.- sex and a bit of fun, with no commitment or respect for you.

He doesn't care about you though, so don't make the mistake in thinking he does. Dump him now and find someone who you can build a real relationship with.

NearlyChristmasNow · 17/03/2017 14:27

I think this is The Script thread being referred to - see "Chapter 3"
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

tinymeteor · 17/03/2017 14:27

You haven't fallen for him. You've fallen for a fictional person he was pretending to be. This other guy is a prize shit.

Emmageddon · 17/03/2017 14:28

Walk away, and walk away fast. You're probably not the first OW and definitely won't be the last. Married men on OLD sites are utter scumbags, actively seeking to cheat. He's not worth a second more of your time.

Original poster
RegretIsMyMiddleName · 17/03/2017 14:28

TimTamTerrier Right now I can't actually believe how I didn't realise something was amiss. I mean I think you tend to instinctively know when things are amiss but I honestly can't say that I suspected anything. I genuinely didn't know. I'm now questioning my own life and what else and who else is lying.

OP posts:
Forager · 17/03/2017 14:29

Take all the facts and answer one simple question....... What can you say about his morals?

Secretariat · 17/03/2017 14:30

Been there and got the t shirt.

Ex was married albeit living separately, said he wanted to stay close for the sake of his kids, didn't want to divorce because it would cost him financially while the kids were still young. Promised me all sorts for the future, this BS went on for four years. In the end I dumped him, that was four years ago and as predicted his situation still hasn't changed. Glad I left when I did.

Sorry but he sounds like a waste of your time

troodiedoo · 17/03/2017 14:30

Poor OP must be hell of a shock for you. Of course you can't turn feelings off but he's lied to you in the very early days so it's not promising. He's told you what you want to hear in order to lure you in. I work in OLD industry - guys like him are ten a penny. Sometimes we get their wives phoning up - always in shock as they think they are happily married.

Original poster
RegretIsMyMiddleName · 17/03/2017 14:31

I don't want to sound pathetic but he was entirely genuine. He told me he had to tell me something and would "understand" if it changed our relationship. I was shocked. He is 40 yrs old. That's the script entirely NearlyChristmasNow He said they got together when he was still very young and now they've just grown apart. He says there is no animosity but they're more like friends than partners.

OP posts:
PollyBanana · 17/03/2017 14:32

He's married but using on line dating?
You're not a random woman he met at work, he went out looking for you.

No actually, he wasn't looking for YOU.
He was looking for someone, anyone that he could cheat with.

You've done nothing wrong. Yet.
He has.

LaGatoteca · 17/03/2017 14:32

He's a lying , cheating cunt. He lied to you and cheated on his wife.

Drop him. Cut all ties immediately.

He deliberately didn't tell you until you fell for him because he knew without that you wouldn't touch him with a barge pole. That is deliberate deception and manipulation. He is trying to get you to feel guilty to make you feel complicit and have some kind of shitty "bond" of shared guilt. You have done nothing wrong. It's all on him. You have nothing in common with him. Do you want that kind of devious, manipulative liar, in your life in any capacity?

You also know what will happen if you continue:

1.You'll get strung along as the OW for a long time. Christmas Day, birthdays, valentine's days alone. Nothing in public. No kids, no home together, no happiness. Misery, broken promises, jealousy.

  1. If he does leave his wife (say you issue an ultimatum), then you know the saying "the man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy". So he'll eventually dump you for a new model, or you'll be humiliated as he has a string of affairs. He'll, you might not be the only extra curricular person on his radar already.

You are worth way more than this. You would never have done it if you had known. And now you know so don't continue.

Walking away from this and never looking back will be the best investment you ever make in your future sanity and happiness.

Wolfiefan · 17/03/2017 14:33

If he was genuine he would have told you up front. You refuse to see he's hoodwinked you.

Annesmyth123 · 17/03/2017 14:33

He wasn't genuine. He spun you the oldest line in th book.

Adora10 · 17/03/2017 14:33

So you meet a stranger online and then can't always get hold of him; I'd have immediately thought married or with someone else.

You know he's a typical cheat; doesn't get on with wife, only there for the child, they don't have sex, blah, blah, if you believe any of that then you shouldn't be dating anyone as your clearly not mature enough to even date someone.

Block him immediately; I can't actually believe you even entertained his crap about, taking it slow, he's a pathetic creep who wants a bit on the side; carry on if you are happy to risk an STI and blow apart a woman and child's life.

Miserylovescompany2 · 17/03/2017 14:33

He's married. He has cheated of his wife. You are the OW, dress it up however you like but you are aware of the facts now.

If he wasn't happy in his marriage then he should of dealt with that prior to advertising himself on dating sites.

He has lulled you into a false sense of security. He has been deceitful by not telling you this before you became emotionally involved.

Would you have continued if he'd been upfront from the start?

Tell him to lose your number.

He's not available, he never was (only his pokey part is and it's probably be doing the hokey pokey with many) and he never will be.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 17/03/2017 14:34

He said they got together when he was still very young and now they've just grown apart. He says there is no animosity but they're more like friends than partners.

He should divorce, then. Not seem out women to sleep with on the internet.

I bet the fact they're more like friends is news to his wife.