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Original poster

I've slept with a man that has a wife and child

390 replies

RegretIsMyMiddleName · 17/03/2017 13:56

NC as this is quite specific.

I met a guy on OLD. We spoke for a while and have been dating for a while now. We speak basically everyday but at times I could never get hold of him. This didn't concern me as I realised people have busy lives and can't always reply.

We've dtd, we spoke about a future but then over dinner last night as he was back in my city for a business trip he told me that he's falling for me - as I have him! But he has a wife and child. He wants us to take it slow. He says he doesn't love her anymore and is only with her so he can be close to his child.

I feel awful. I feel like a dirty OW. I have fallen for him and I believe he has for me but never would I have never guessed that he is/was married and has a child.

I wouldn't be bothered if he had a child but the fact is he has a family and I've basically naively been thinking we could be together.

He says he wants us to be together but now I'm questioning everything. Fundamentally I feel like an awful person - his wife was probably at their home last night feeding their child and reading them a bedtime story whilst he was drinking cocktails with me.

OP posts:
Annesmyth123 · 17/03/2017 18:23

She doesn't need to wrap her head around it. He's a cheating lying skank.

How long had they been together? It doesn't sound that long and yet he was promising the moon? That's a bit of a red flag. I mean. That would have me going woah wait a minute unless they'd been dating for months and months (e.g. 6 plus) and she had met family friends and stayed at his for example

He worked in town x and met her when he was there? That s a series of dirty weekends in his head for sure. Not a relationship.

TrueBlueDem · 17/03/2017 18:26

What Annesmyth123 said ^^

KatieScarlett · 17/03/2017 18:28

If you are determined to continue this farce of a relationship you must arrange to meet his wife. This shouldn't be a problem as they are only friends, right? His words.
If he's genuine, he'll have no problem with this and you can carry on conscience free.
I doubt very much he will agree but if he's everything he claims to be, why wouldn't he?
If he doesn't, it's because he is a lying, cheating arsehole, spinning you the oldest line in the book.
One simple test.

Annesmyth123 · 17/03/2017 18:29

I know it's been said. But. If you don't know what drink someone likes, you don't really know them at all and they can't have been dating that long. Surely you'd know that within a couple of dates?

mycatloveslego · 17/03/2017 18:31

OP, I feel for you, you must be devastated, but don't let him talk you round-the man you fell for is a fantasy-he doesn't exist. What kind of man goes OLD when he has a family at home? I certainly wouldn't want to be landed with such a lying, spineless cheat. You deserve better. Who's to say you're the only OW? He's clearly more than capable of deceit.
You haven't done anything wrong, but you need to finish this now.
I've read your post with mixed emotions. I had a similar experience with a guy I had been dating for 6 months. I worked irregular hours, nights and weekends, so didn't think it strange not seeing him at those times. I thought he was 'The One'. We were sitting in a country pub when he told me he was going to a wedding that weekend. I was a bit put out he hadn't asked me to be his plus one. It turns out he was the groom. He then went on to tell me the usual script- that he was only marrying her due to family pressure blah blah blah.
I walked out of that pub and never saw him again. It was before social media so easy to cut ties. He sort of stalked me for a while-sitting outside my house in his car, silent messages on my mobile, but he got the message eventually.
I felt very ashamed of myself, and stupid for not seeing the signs. I still do. I often think about the poor woman he married-should I have tried to find her and told her? I tell myself I wouldn't have known where to start, but maybe I could (and should) have tried.
I was single after that for 3 years until I met my fab DH. I had a lucky escape. I hope you can make your escape too.

SubordinateThatClause · 17/03/2017 18:31

The earliest part of your relationship is based on lies. Could you ever trust him now?

Annesmyth123 · 17/03/2017 18:37

You admit yourself it was early stages of a relationship.

And yet

I've basically harped on about him to them like he was my future husband and father to my kids. I feel a lot of shame.

He said that I am the most amazing woman he's ever come across and would love to have me as his wife and mother of his kids. He said he always thinks about me. He said he's never been this much in love. He said I am his first and only priority.

You need to look at why you feel so strongly obsessively in love with someone haven't built a relationship with. That's big. I mean. Mother of kids and yet it's early stages of a relationship? Future husband? And you hadn't been to his house didn't know his set up or met friends?

You have been more than a little naive and almost complicit in that you let him spin you a clear line and you lapped it up. You might want to look at why that is. What age are you? Are you in your teens and we're flattered for example? Are you in your late 30s and panicking that your chances for family days are ticking away? Whatever it is, you should really have been worldly wise enough to have seen right through this bullshit and you didn't.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 17/03/2017 18:41

As BeMorePanda pointed out
He said...
He said...
He said...
What he said didn't matter, because it was based on a big fat lie, one of the biggest lies there is.

What is important is..
He did.
He lied.

TrueBlueDem · 17/03/2017 18:42

Once again Annesmyth123 hit the nail on the head! Every single word.

Please take the advice all these women have given you. Many of us speak from real world experience.

You believed him, but you now know the truth. If you continue this relationship, you are foolish. It won't end well. I really don't want you to go through the heartache I went through.

Annesmyth123 · 17/03/2017 18:44

How long had you actually physically been dating? And how many dates?

FirstofherName · 17/03/2017 18:45

Many things that have been said on this thread had not even occurred to me wrt STIs

OP, I hate to sound like your mother but regardless of whether a guy is married or not, you should always use condoms until you've both had an STI check.

Good luck, I'm sure you can do much better than him.

Dieu · 17/03/2017 18:51

You are by no means a bad person OP. You weren't to know, and the fact that you are feeling bad about it shows that you are a good person.

Please do end it with immediate effect. I have been the 'wife' in this situation, and it is a heartbreaking and soul-destroying place to be.

I think you have enough awareness to recognise this. Unlike the lying cheat of a husband and father.

Dieu · 17/03/2017 18:53

The other thing is that you would NEVER be able to trust him. My ex husband was still sleeping with me, while (obviously unknown to me) seeing her. And then continued to make frequent sexual advances towards me even after moving in with her ... after I booted his ass out.

tinypop4 · 17/03/2017 18:53

You're not a bad person because you didn't know. Now you know, step away from this scumbag- don't waste time falling in love with a known cheat.

Miserylovescompany2 · 17/03/2017 18:57

Is his profile still active on the site??

FagAshMIL · 17/03/2017 19:02

He's behaved like a bit of a cunt here. Don't dwell. Move on.

FagAshMIL · 17/03/2017 19:02

He's behaved like a bit of a cunt here. Don't dwell. Move on.

AnyFucker · 17/03/2017 19:04

This thread is just another of those "OW" attention seeking me-fests

A way to eke out as much drama as possible. To talk about the love of her life even if the replies are negative. Feeding it just adds to the lovelorn angst because of course she cannot speak it in RL.

This will run and run. Page after page of "It's not your fault, hun".

Not blocked him yet ? No reply to that is there?. Just more bollocks about "he's texting me...look at all these communications between us".

So fucking what. If you were that bothered about fucking a married man you would not be hesitating. You would not be looking for ways to talk about him with random online. You would not be silently reading his texts and doing fuck all.

She will be shagging him as we speak.

TrueBlueDem · 17/03/2017 19:07

Great point, miserylovescompany2! OP, is his profile still active??

Elendon · 17/03/2017 19:09

AF is wise.

GatherlyGal · 17/03/2017 19:27

The words he has said to you don't mean anything. He is a liar. He can lie easily to his wife (presumably whom he's known loved and lived with a long time) so why would what he says to you (whom he has met fairly recently) be the truth?

It's shit I agree but if you do anything other than ignore and move on then you are complicit in the cheating.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 17/03/2017 19:29

Youre doing really well op. Youve only just found out who he really is and you are still getting used to that and realising the act he previously put on wasnt real.

Your friends dont need to know all the details on why youve borken up, if you dont want them to know. People are allowed to break up. But telling them you found out he was married and dumped him immediately is a perfectly reasonable thing to do!

Blocking him will make it easier for you. You need to come to terms with the lie youve been unwittingly part of. Of course it is difficult as your plans have evaporated.

At the moment you miss the lie and you loved the charater he pretended to be. It is hard. Just keep in mind he is a oiar and a cheat and you are worth more than the crumbs he will only ever give you.

DesertSky · 17/03/2017 19:36

Please don't fall for any more of this man's lies. There can't be a future with him. He is a liar and a cheat. Run whilst you can and with dignity.

hollyisalovelyname · 17/03/2017 19:43

He is a married man on a dating site.
RUN.

TrueBlueDem · 17/03/2017 19:43

AF, I must say you speak the truth.

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