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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've slept with a man that has a wife and child

390 replies

RegretIsMyMiddleName · 17/03/2017 13:56

NC as this is quite specific.

I met a guy on OLD. We spoke for a while and have been dating for a while now. We speak basically everyday but at times I could never get hold of him. This didn't concern me as I realised people have busy lives and can't always reply.

We've dtd, we spoke about a future but then over dinner last night as he was back in my city for a business trip he told me that he's falling for me - as I have him! But he has a wife and child. He wants us to take it slow. He says he doesn't love her anymore and is only with her so he can be close to his child.

I feel awful. I feel like a dirty OW. I have fallen for him and I believe he has for me but never would I have never guessed that he is/was married and has a child.

I wouldn't be bothered if he had a child but the fact is he has a family and I've basically naively been thinking we could be together.

He says he wants us to be together but now I'm questioning everything. Fundamentally I feel like an awful person - his wife was probably at their home last night feeding their child and reading them a bedtime story whilst he was drinking cocktails with me.

OP posts:
phoenix1973 · 17/03/2017 17:38

Dump him. Block him. He's a cliche.
Always remember - if a man goes off with his mistress, he creates a vacancy. Something like that.
His wife would be gutted to hear him talk of their relationship in such a throwaway fashion.
Just think, in a couple of years he could be talking about YOUR relationship like that, to another babe.

smashedinductionhob · 17/03/2017 17:39

OP it sounds as though this has rocked your sense of who you are?

I'm terribly sorry. You've suffered a loss that you can't tell those close to you about and that corrodes you from within if you let it continue.

Do you think he played at love? As said above, lots of people do that.

smashedinductionhob · 17/03/2017 17:42

He is a powerful adversary OP. You are going to need to dig deep Flowers

I think you are the person you thought you were.

Do you have a mum you can tell?

As soon as you tell someone in RL, part of his spell will be broken because then you will be accountable to them if you decide to fuck up the child's life.

Original poster
RegretIsMyMiddleName · 17/03/2017 17:47

smash I don't know. I'm not exactly sure what I think at the moment logically speaking as I'm just too angry and heartbroken. He has rocked my sense of identity and I feel very weak. I actually do want to be with him but not under these circumstances. Many things that have been said on this thread had not even occurred to me wrt STIs, his wife not being aware that they were 'friends', his child, other girlfriends when he goes off on his business trips. I have been the most naive person in the world.

OP posts:
waterrat · 17/03/2017 17:47

you should not be his first and only priority.

His wife - who believes he is committed to her - who he married, who he had a child with - should be his priority over you until he has properly ended that marriage. His child comes above even her - so - he has a family who should legitamately be his main priority.

It would be very easy and simple for him to tell his wife he doesn't love her and at least end that sham - so she knows she should move forward with her own life.

ask yourself why he wants her humilated? Why he wants her to be forced to live a lie?

Twingler · 17/03/2017 17:48

Op, I really hope that you are going to fuck him right off. I get that you are still shocked now but you've not mentioned that you're going to end things. This is where you have to decide the kind of person you are. It's easy to say the right things but much more difficult to live it. You only have to look at a few threads on here to see the pain and desperation people go through when they find out their spouse is cheating. Their lives are ripped apart, they can't eat, they can't sleep, they lose weight, they lose friends, they worry for their children... You've only known this guy for a matter of months. His wife is married to him and has a child. Imagine how she would feel if she knew. Imagine the punch in the guts when the realisation that your husband, the father of your child, the one person on your team, the one you always trust and rely on has betrayed you and your child. Imagine being unable to breathe, throwing up with the shock. The raw emotions poured out on those threads are exactly what you would be putting his poor wife through if you chose to continue with this affair.

You may have already decided this, sorry if that is the case. I hope the fact you haven't mentioned it is simply because you're using the thread to vocalise your own feelings of hurt and betrayal and work through them.

waterrat · 17/03/2017 17:49

Op, don't feel bad. You didn't know.

If you genuinely want to give him a chance - tell him to call you when he has ended his relationship, and that you will reconsider when he is moved out and on the other side of all the pain and trauma that will happen when he tells his wife it's over.

IF he is an honest man and ends it - he will call you in a few months and you can restart the relationship.

Annesmyth123 · 17/03/2017 17:50

Have you blocked him yet?

1horatio · 17/03/2017 17:51

I have been the most naive person in the world.

You did nothing wrong. Were you a bit naive? Maybe. But that isn't necessarily bad. It simply means you are a good enough person to not even think somebody could be this awful...

He's the lying cheating scumbag.

Not you!

Deadsouls · 17/03/2017 17:52

He said that I am the most amazing woman he's ever come across and would love to have me as his wife and mother of his kids. He said he always thinks about me. He said he's never been this much in love. He said I am his first and only priority.

The language he is using is suspect:
'The most amazing', 'always' thinks about you, 'never been this much in love', 'first and only' priority.

It is been black and white, ever, never etc. The point is I think the s indicates a man who doesn't have much emotional intelligence. He sounds like a teenage boy, not a married middle aged father. I have come across men who use this kind of sentiment to sweep a woman off their feet. Of course, I can't generalise, but usually it's because their in love with being in love, or it's part of their seduction, or it's a fantasy. Really who speaks like this? It sounds like BS.

smashedinductionhob · 17/03/2017 17:56

I'm so sorry.

You've fallen in love with someone who didn't exist.

You love was real though the person wasn't. You need to give you love to someone else....

The real guy is your enemy and if you go along with this he will destroy at least part of you - the good part. The loss of identity you feel now will be neither half nor quarter of what will happen.

clearly you need to work through all this and it will take time. please tell someone - your sense of shame is a sign of his power over you.

Annesmyth123 · 17/03/2017 17:58

That kind of overblown language would have alarm bells ringing for me, I must be honest.

Lelloteddy · 17/03/2017 18:02

You are in dangerous territory. I suspect that you are still allowing the lies he has told and the flattery that you feel, you to gloss over the utter pond life that he is.

Leaving this thread because I don't think for a second that you're going to dump him.
So yes, that makes you an awful person. As morally repugnant as he is.

And I seriously hope the piece of advice you DO take is to get yourself checked out for whatever nasties he's spreading amongst the various 'loves of his life'.

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 17/03/2017 18:05

Thanks Badtime. I thought it was a particular site called OLD lol. The obvious explanation never occurred to me Confused. I blame being a tired single mom

thethoughtfox · 17/03/2017 18:06

He said I am his first and only priority.

I hope you didn't take this as a positive sign.

Wingsofdesire · 17/03/2017 18:06

I feel like I've just been shown up to be the world's biggest fool.

Don't panic. You haven't at all. You for sure do have genuine chemistry with him, by the sounds of it.

But a guy who is married with a 5 year old shouldn't be on OLD.

Tell him that you don't want to be an other woman, you don't want to threaten his child's happiness, or be part of any deception of his wife, and that you like him and would love to see him when he has cleared things up at home and when he has absolute evidence for you that his wife doesn't want him and he is free to be with you.

... Simple.

ShakingAndShocked · 17/03/2017 18:08

'I actually do want to be with him but not under these circumstances'

Sweetheart, I know this is hard you HAVE to let this simple fact penetrate your current shock and bewilderment - you DON'T KNOW 'HIM'. So you can't even reference him in the way that you do anymore as it/he does not even exist. Quite literally, the bloke you have been seeing is not real; does not exist; is make-believe - HE was playing at being the 'him' you refer to and the 'him' you refer to above.

You need to work through the feelings you have now properly in order that they don't screw you over in the longer term by making you doubt yourself, or by stealing part of you own identity. I get that it's going to be hard to tell people so maybe just tell your friends (who I'm hazarding a guess have never met him?) that you've split for [insert any reason] and take yourself off to Relate or a private Counsellor to ensure you DO properly process this and it not leave a stain on the core of your very self. Do NOT gift this cheating cuntbadger thatAngry

miniatureegg · 17/03/2017 18:10

You aren't an awful person - he is an awful person

Be grateful that he has shown his character and move on before you become the next woman he cheats on. Don't listen to his nonsense he will do it again and again.

What a wankstain.

andshouldbeignored · 17/03/2017 18:10

yes, tell him you do not want to threaten a child's happiness.

because the alternative is to threaten a child's happiness

So the happy ending you wanted is the one thing that 100% definitely is not going to happen.

miniatureegg · 17/03/2017 18:11

You are only a fool if you continue this relationship. I know it's hard, but sack him off without delay.

TrueBlueDem · 17/03/2017 18:11

I hate to say it, but I'm with Lelloteddy. I don't think you'll leave him. You keep saying how shocked and naive you have been, but no mention of telling him to F off.
Please have some respect for yourself. Don't believe the lies. I was told many beautiful things which all turned out to be total bullshit. Men will say lots of nice things to get p*ssy. Sorry to be so blunt.
Take it from me, if you don't cut him off you're setting yourself up for some serious heartache. I pray you don't have to go through what I did.

ShakingAndShocked · 17/03/2017 18:13

And PPs, maybe lay off with the accusatory 'why haven't you blocked him yet?' etc etc - poor OP hasn't even wrapped her own head around the fact that she has been living a lie yet let alone move on to how she dispenses with this wankstain.

It seems clear to me from OP's posts that she's rocked to her core but is also absolutely starting to get the scale of what has been done to her so it seems doubtful she's going to leap into what would be the ongoing position of the OW (which is clearly what she would be - that l'il bit on the side - if she DID carry on seeing him/fell for his BS).

She's been really clear that it's only from reading replies here that stuff is gradually dawning on her (STI check neededSadAngry through to the fact there will be other 'hers' in various locations) so give the poor lass a break while she processes this heap of shit huh?

Wingsofdesire · 17/03/2017 18:14

And as a comfort to you - before I started reading all these stories on here of blokes creating literally a separate escapist reality that ran alongside their home life, of extraordinary lying and deception, of shameless seduction, of some pretty nasty OWs with no respect for anyone's family and relationship apart from their own, etc. ... before I read all these stories, I thought I was singularly unlucky. Now I feel miles better with every heartbreaking story I read - I feel sad for the people involved, but for myself I feel glad - I think OMG - this is rife - it's going on everywhere - it's 'normal' - it's just normal bollocks, and some people behave like this.

You haven't been uncommonly stupid or lacking in judgement. You're just nice. You trust. You believe. It's good to be like that. But you just have to be very careful who you let close to you. I was like you for 38 years. I thought that's how the world was. And it is, but I now realise that to keep that good world safe, you have to be quite vigilant and careful - you have to be aware of the dangers that lurk.

It is clearly an absolute thing that quite a high proportion of guys will say anything necessary if they fancy someone. And another lot still will go the full distance - will keep up the deception, both to you and at home, in order to have the one tasty cake and also eat it.

It does happen. It's not you. But if you really like him, then ask him to behave properly. I'm afraid I think he won't.

Rule No.1: you can't really believe anything he says. So long as you're aware of that.

Rule No.2: drop like a hot coal anything that would devastate other people's lives (eg, his child and wife).

Now you know. Now you can act wisely and with your eyes opened. : ) xx

Wingsofdesire · 17/03/2017 18:16

And I mean you REALLY can't believe anything he says. Not even if you're talking on the phone and he says eg he's driving to Tescos. He'll be driving to Sainsbury's, for sure.

ShakingAndShocked · 17/03/2017 18:20

Rule No.1: you can't really believe anything he says. So long as you're aware of that.

^ THIS

Remember, he has been cheating on you since the very first time you even exchanged that initial message with him. Worse, cheating on you with his fucking WIFE. And if he can cheat on her, then no wonder he can cheat on you and all of the others - it's tough and it's shocking but it's the only truth you can be certain of right now.