I've slept with a man that has a wife and child

[RegretIsMyMiddleName]

NC as this is quite specific.

I met a guy on OLD. We spoke for a while and have been dating for a while now. We speak basically everyday but at times I could never get hold of him. This didn't concern me as I realised people have busy lives and can't always reply.

We've dtd, we spoke about a future but then over dinner last night as he was back in my city for a business trip he told me that he's falling for me - as I have him! But he has a wife and child. He wants us to take it slow. He says he doesn't love her anymore and is only with her so he can be close to his child.

I feel awful. I feel like a dirty OW. I have fallen for him and I believe he has for me but never would I have never guessed that he is/was married and has a child.

I wouldn't be bothered if he had a child but the fact is he has a family and I've basically naively been thinking we could be together.

He says he wants us to be together but now I'm questioning everything. Fundamentally I feel like an awful person - his wife was probably at their home last night feeding their child and reading them a bedtime story whilst he was drinking cocktails with me.

Well it does sound like you were won over by flattery, OP. And maybe you should think about that.

But I can empathise with the minute that changes everything. I remember the first time my ex (or anyone) hit me. It was such a shock so when he started crying and saying he was sorry, I stayed with him. Not for long because of course that wasn't the only time but still. Most of us are fools when taken by surprise like that.

Those things he said are shocking. 'I want you to be the mother of my children' and 'you are my first and only priority'. All the while KNOWING that he had already a child. He pretended his child didn't exist and then told you that you were above them. What sort of person does that? I know you don't have children, but imagine if one of your parents had denied your existence and then promised that the partner was more important than you, just to seduce them. To get into their pants. I couldn't see that person as anything other than absolute scum, no matter how lovely and genuine he'd been when we were together.

My son's dad had girlfriends who accepted him treating his son this way. Calling me and telling me he was too ill to see him, hearing a toddler sobbing in the background, then happily going off shopping together. Not their responsibility to make sure he sees him, but I did wonder what sort of woman could ever see that and still want to be with him.

He doesn't deserve you OP.

He told you he wanted you to be his wife and mother of his children so that when the truth came out there would be an element of competition in your head. Some people are really good at manipulating other people to get what they want, he is one of them.

If you're his first and only priority, why is he staying in his "loveless" marriage for the sake of his child? either his child is a priority or he isn't. This is a big flaw in his story.

You're already giving him chance to explain, you're already blaming yourself for not noticing, rather than blaming him for being an incredibly accomplished and manipulative liar. He's got you right where he wants you and probably because he's done this many times before.

He's cheated on his wife, he's cheated you, because you thought you were exclusive, turns out you weren't, but rather than be angry because he's cheated on you, you thanked him for being honest!

Up to this point you are blameless, but if you do not reject him and block him now, you'll be as bad as him. If you don't block him, he's going to suck you in with his bullshit. Stop with the handwringing and take some action, for your own sake!

Pigeondujour - WELL SAID . . . !

Thing is OP if this was one of the exceptional cases (and I have seen a couple of them, and many other scenarios) where you met your soul mate and fell in love with each other, like meeting your best friend but it being on fire then he would have told you from the outset. He would have told you about his marriage and intentions. And he would have perhaps given you a timescale.

He would have told you the truth.

He has done none of the above. He has li s from the outset.

Your feeling of loss is what you thought you had. It's not that.

He sounds like a serial cheaters to me. Protect yourself and finish it. You will thanks yourself in a few months xxx

(Big hug)

lol if anyone falls for a man who says he 'wants to leave their wife.' they are deluded. He will NEVER leave his family. He just wanted an affair alongside his wife. I understand you didn't know, and you have done nothing wrong just as long as you leave him now. Think of his wife. She will be thinking they are happy and she will not imagine he is sleeping with someone else. This 'I'm staying for the child shit' is old and a load of rubbish.
My husband slept with another woman and he has always denied it but I spoke to the woman and he's told her that we split up and all that bull shit. We hadn't split up we were together and was at home raising his kids whilst he was out shagging her.
Leave him now he is a cheat and a liar

Oh I don't know Sam I have seen a couple of times where they have but one where the couple just fell in love and the other where the wife was emotionally abusive. Both guys are happily married to their "OW" these are exceptional scenarios though in my experience.

a man that can do this to his wife and child, can and will do it again, so even if he leaves her for you, do you really want to be the wife at home raising a child while he is out drinking cocktails with his next OLD conquest.

Seriously OP, he is probably very well rehearsed in this, sadly a lot of OLD seem to be used as a married mans outlet and abundant supply of extra marital affairs.

I am so sorry you have found yourself in this situation, but like others have said, end it now and be grateful you are not married to him.

One of the main components in any relationship is trust, even if he left his wife for you, how could you ever trust him, knowing that he thought nothing of forgetting to tell you he was married. That's not a small white lie, its a whopper.

Me and my husband are currently separated because he cheated on with with another woman. I don't know if she knew about me and the children or not but I can't believe that a woman could do this to another woman. If you carry on you are allowing a man to destroy the lives of so many. You are taking away a husband and a father. Of course he is the one in the wrong but don't be the reason a woman is sat at home, struggling to be a parent on their own and thinking "what did she have that I didn't". Walk away and if you truly believe him and still want to be with him tell him to come back to you when he's left and left for good. But do you really want to be with someone who can cheat on his family, because that's what he's done, it's not just his wife he's cheated on.

Some people do fall in love outside of marriage and ultimately leave their spouse, sad as that is for the spouse, it happens. They don't start on online dating sites though.

And the thing is that if he's done it once, he's way more likely to do it again.

Like a dog that bites. Never can be trusted again.

No point on us all taking any more time to advise the OP, she's clearly lost interest in being told what's glaringly obvious.

Women like her make it easy for men to cheat. She's a fool.

Her last post was yesterday evening, saying that she's in shock and realising how naive she's been. Just because she hasn't come back to post again since then doesn't mean she's a fool who's ignoring all the advice given.

Some people on here act like they're owed juicy updates every five minutes and get so nasty when they don't get them. Other people's lives are not a soap opera for you to enjoy!

Also, he is online dating, so actively looking for an affair?

Also, he is online dating, so actively looking for an affair?

Stop blaming yourself for not suspecting - no-one's infallible.
You know the script for future now.
So you crossed paths with a (probably sociopathic narc. lying cheater); a percentage of the population falls into that bracket (apparently more males than females), a percentage of the population also spits used chewing gum onto the ground and it gets on other peoples' shoes ... do you beat yourself up for stepping in gum and getting it stuck to your shoe; believing you should have psychically known you were about to step in gum? The only thing you an do is pay attention/look (and even then you might step in some lol).

Disregard the bullshit - I know a serial cheater who tells every woman he's with that he sees himself married to her. It's part of their psyche - they know it's what women want to hear and they have a compulsion to charm them.

Lol at these guys who use their children as an excuse for cheating .. "well I want to leave her, but I'm such a good father I can't break up my child's family home; such a good father I cheat on their mother and spend family time and money on other women I'm having sex with". It's the 'perfect' - I'm a cheater but it's only because I'm such a good person/parent.

Also - would be v interested to know how many of these wives from whom they're 'like friends' and 'living separate lives' they've told they're no longer in an exclusive, monogamous marriage with - and that they're free to date and have sex with other men too. Something gives me the impression not many...

@RegretIsMyMiddleName - you have done nothing wrong. You are not stupid or naive. All you have done is to judge this man by your own high standards of decency and honesty.

You are grieving the relationship you thought you had, the man you thought you were having a relationship with.

But you need to decide what you do from here. I don't think you want to be complicit in his cheating on his wife, so I think all the posters who have said dump him and block him are right.

Think about this - if you stay in a relationship with him, waiting for it to be the mythical 'right time' to leave his wife, you will be cutting yourself off from the possibility of meeting a decent man, one who will not lie to you, who will be able to make you his priority. You might meet him, but because YOU are a decent person, not a lying cheat, you won't cheat on the scumbag man you are with now - and you might miss out on a chance of genuine happiness WITH A MAN WHO DESERVES YOU AND WHO TREATS YOU AS YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED!!

Op, you'll do what you feel is right for you, not necessarily what is morally right.

By all means sit him down & give him an ultimatum, it's either her or you....however, he will choose you but ask for some time.

In a years time you'll be where you are now waiting for him to tell her.

Unfortunately this is how this situation will pan out, it's a shame when self respecting women are willing to be the OW....it's degrading and embarrassing if I'm honest.

If a man doesn't want me and only me & willing to only be with me and no one else, then he is not worth being in my life regardless of how I felt before it all happened.

I had a guy who told me that he'd decided to see if it would work with his ex but he wanted to stay friends.

My reply? Not a chance, thanks for telling me however I will not stay on the reserves team for you to decide you now want to carry on because it didn't actually work out, not for me not today!

A lot of people put themselves second best, it's a shame! They deserve so much more, yet think love trumps everything in life.

Do what you think is best, leave him, stay with him & be the OW or stay and make him choose, not many women these days do the morally right thing because they feel they are "too in love".

Clues:
Man CANNOT leave wife, due to child.
Man actively seeks OW via OLD.
Intention is infidelity - not to meet the 'love of his life'. He is bored, selfish, looking for excitement.
Younger woman = excitement. However, she's looking for commitment. He's too selfish to consider HER needs, or those of his family. If he loved her, he'd let her go, surely?
He tells her enough truth to protect his family unit (that he doesn't care about), but not enough to encourage her to find a decent man instead.

He's hopefully preventing you from telling his wife and prying into his personal life.
He doesn't want you to see other men, so he plays those cards.
You choose to be a mistress, or choose to show him how much you value your integrity and values.
Your call.

You thought you were in the beginning stages of a great relationship with an amazing man....unfortunately he turned out to be a liar and a cheat who belongs to his wife and child, not you.

You have done nothing wrong and yet he has put you in this shit position (not as shitty as the position he's put his poor wife in though) he went looking for an affair online, you won't be the only one he's dated and slept with.

You don't deserve this

You know what you need to do.

What AF said.

She should have blocked him as soon as she got home after his 'confession'.

Thank you all for your replies and supportive messages. I didn't abandon the thread. I had a few things come up at home and work.

I am sorry that my initial instinct was not to block him and tell him to get to fuck. It was initially anger and heartbreak but now embarrassment. In a way, I want to know why he did this and how I could not have seen it coming. I mean how the fuck can anyone conceal an entire family life.
I haven't figured it all out entirely but there are some things that I now wonder if were red flags; for example, when I added him on FB and asked him about it after a while he said he never went on it so probably had loads of pending requests and notifications as the last time he says he was on there was 2 years ago. I accepted this as I know some people are just not social media types. Or another time on another date his phone kept vibrating, he checked it and said he wouldn't answer as he just wanted to focus all his attention on me. I thought this was a work call as it vibrated again within a few minutes so I told him to answer it incase it's important (after all he came across as a man that was all about his work), he said no as he wanted to focus all his attention on me. I now wonder if this was actually in fact his wife.

But that's not really the point. The fact is had I known he had a wife I wouldn't have even considered it for a second. I don't know how the fuck someone can conceal an entire family. I knew about his siblings, parents, where he worked - it all checked out. I thought I knew about his life. He said he lived alone and was on OLD as he'd otherwise never get to meet anyone with his sort of schedule.

I have in the past run like the wind from bad relationships - only one guy who used to make jokes about me that I never found funny but rather insulting - that guy told me I was taking myself too seriously and to 'chill-the-fuck-out'. I left him and despite the sadness as I liked him too, I knew it was the right thing to do.

I can't actually get my head around why a man would cheat on his wife and 5yo child and do so with such calmness, charm and apparent transparency. It's not even like the child is 18 or whatever - not that that would be acceptable but in many ways his child is still just a child who appears to think mum and dad there for them entirely. How he could conceal them is beyond me. He seemed entirely genuine. I did actually ask him on one of our first dates in a joking sort of way what baggage from life he is carrying and whether any skeletons would come falling out of the closet. But I suppose I didn't think much of it as I'd assume someone would be clear if they had a child, let alone and a wife. I have been approached by men seeking these types of arrangements in the past and always told them to fuck off. Therefore I didn't hear any alarm bells with this guy. He seemed so above board. Everything he said made sense, there were no sort of issues that he could not explain with a reasonable explanation. I now see that's just part of the naivety and starry-eyedness I had.

I can't believe that I've actually slept with someone else's husband and I would not want to be in her shoes. I now see that just because I've let go of him does not mean I will be immune from this in the future. I wonder where he saw this going - so far we'd only been on dates together or he'd joined me at my friends' gatherings. I've never met any of his friends but I put this down to the fact that we live in different cities so it would not be convenient for me to travel 2/3 hours here or there on a Tuesday evening for a dinner party, for example. But he'd always send me a pic of him in a group shot at these gatherings so I genuinely would not have reason to think that perhaps he was there with his actual wife!

I have told him that I want no part of this and that's where I'll leave it. I can't find the exact poster who said it but if I was his wife I would also want to know. I don't feel like I will contact her because it would be vindictive - even if I could back it up with screen shots of messages and photos. I don't think it's my duty. I feel too bruised as it is to continue seeking more drama from this.

It sounds like you have had some time to reflect and come to terms with what's happened, and I'm glad to hear you've now told him where to go!

Please don't blame yourself for needing more than a nanosecond to process such shocking news. People on here will often repeat the mantra of 'block, delete and move on' as if it's as easy as flipping a light switch. In real life it's not always that simple. You had the rug pulled out from under you and it's understandable that you couldn't instantly just say 'oh well, bye' and then skip merrily off on your way after such a huge shock.

Well done for getting rid of him now, and please don't feel stupid. It's happened to many, many people, and the only thing that could make you stupid is if you'd continued to swallow his (completely predictable) script and believe his obvious lies.

You've done the right thing and hopefully you will forget all about him in time. Be kind to yourself for a while now and it will get easier soon