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Original poster

I've slept with a man that has a wife and child

390 replies

RegretIsMyMiddleName · 17/03/2017 13:56

NC as this is quite specific.

I met a guy on OLD. We spoke for a while and have been dating for a while now. We speak basically everyday but at times I could never get hold of him. This didn't concern me as I realised people have busy lives and can't always reply.

We've dtd, we spoke about a future but then over dinner last night as he was back in my city for a business trip he told me that he's falling for me - as I have him! But he has a wife and child. He wants us to take it slow. He says he doesn't love her anymore and is only with her so he can be close to his child.

I feel awful. I feel like a dirty OW. I have fallen for him and I believe he has for me but never would I have never guessed that he is/was married and has a child.

I wouldn't be bothered if he had a child but the fact is he has a family and I've basically naively been thinking we could be together.

He says he wants us to be together but now I'm questioning everything. Fundamentally I feel like an awful person - his wife was probably at their home last night feeding their child and reading them a bedtime story whilst he was drinking cocktails with me.

OP posts:
littleoldladywho · 17/03/2017 19:53

Your level of shock is going to hardly register in comparison to that of his wife, once she realizes that the loyal, caring, trustworthy husband and father of her child has been declaring undying love and shagging at least one another woman, and promising that eventually he will leave his wife for her.

Your, what, few months of shagging, based entirely on deceit, is fuck all in comparison to her years and years and years of being committed to this man, living by his side, and bearing his child.

I mean, really. However much of a shock it was for you, the appropriate response last night would have been 'thank you for telling me. I suggest you take a long hard long in the mirror and never try to contact me again.' Exit stage left, to block his number.

What you feel is foolish and a bit embarrassed at having to tell your friends that you have been shagging a married man with a kid. Hey ho. Imagine his wife having to tell her friends that her husband has been off shagging every time he goes away on business. And you know what they will be feeling her? Get an STD check - you don't know how many women he has been with, who they were. They will be suggesting she needs an STD check because he has been with you.

However gutted you are, her entire life has been destroyed.

frieda909 · 17/03/2017 19:55

You're doing so well OP. Reading the first half of this thread was depressing because (and I don't mean this to sound harsh) your posts could literally have been copied and pasted from any one of HUNDREDS of threads on this same subject. You don't have to go looking very hard to find many, many posts saying the same thing: 'he says he's really fallen for me', 'he's only staying for the kids', 'he and his wife just live like flatmates' and so on. Those men very rarely, if ever, leave the wife in the end unless they're kicked out if/when she finds out about the affair. Even then, half the time they're sobbing at the wife's door begging for another chance, not running off into the sunset with the new girlfriend.

Your last couple of posts are much more encouraging. It sounds like you've very quickly wised up to what a deceitful bastard he's actually been. Hold on to that feeling!

Just remember, if he wanted to leave his wife then he would leave. In my opinion 'I want to take it slow' actually means 'I want to keep things as they are for as long as I can get away with it'.

He may well have feelings for you and feel conflicted but it doesn't matter. He wants the best of both worlds and as long as he can have it, he won't be going anywhere.

Of course I could be wrong, but I doubt it. Men who actually leave their wives and live happily ever after with the OW are very much in the minority - again, you just have trawl through a few pages of posts exactly like yours to see that!

nihilist · 17/03/2017 19:55

You've been fed a ton of bullshit. I'd put money on him still having an active OLD profile.

Annesmyth123 · 17/03/2017 19:56

She's not doing well. If she was doing well she'd have blocked and walked last night.

Rioja123 · 17/03/2017 19:57

How old are you? You sound naive and a little immature. Plus, as someone else wrote above, you should have been using condoms until you both got tested! This goes for any new relationship.

TempusEedjit · 17/03/2017 20:01

Even if every word he said about his marriage was true (which it isn't), what kind of selfish fuckwit actively goes looking for a relationship already knowing that they "can't" leave their marriage because of their 5yo child i.e he knows he will only be able to give whoever falls in love with him scraps of "commitment" for the next 13 years till his child reaches 18. That's a pretty cunty thing to do in itself, let alone all the rest of it.

TrueBlueDem · 17/03/2017 20:14

OP I feel like you desperately want to believe what this man has told you..I did too. But again, it almost never ends well. Like I said, mine ended with not only finding out I had been lied to the entire time (he had told me he was divorced), but with an abortion and feeling like thrown away trash. Literally. I've literally never felt like that before that guy, or since.
Nothing romantic or special about it, believe me.

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 17/03/2017 20:23

Flowers for you, OP. You've done nothing wrong, and you seem to be processing your emotions in a really healthy and honest way. I hope you can make the break away from him knowing you are well supported on here; and that you can have the support of your RL friends when you do find yourself ready to tell them. I don't know if this will help, but it resonated with me when I found it online a while back. Hang on in there, better things are meant for you.

I've slept with a man that has a wife and child
Deadsouls · 17/03/2017 20:37

Why is everyone having a go at the OP? They only found out yesterday. OP maybe needs to gather her thoughts before taking the next steps.

Deadsouls · 17/03/2017 20:38

Well not 'everyone' but some folks are being very strident!

Dozer · 17/03/2017 20:51

Dumping him immediately is a no brainier though: any man who is married and goes OLD is a loser.

Gallavich · 17/03/2017 21:02

If he and his wife were not truly in a relationship any longer then he would be free to date because they would have discussed it and come to an agreement. The fact that he wouldn't want his wife to know about you means that is a lie, his wife very much thinks her marriage is alive and he is a gross cheating pig.

I read the messages my ex sent his OW. Apparently we were living separately! News to me. We literally had amazing sex 4 days before he met and fucked her.

MaeveTheRave · 17/03/2017 21:15

Yeh being mean to the OP is bad behaviour. She had the rug ripped from.under her yesterday

Toobloodytired · 17/03/2017 21:16

Op! Run!

A couple I knew the guy was cheating but going home to his wife.

His excuse?? We weren't together, we married at a very young age, have just grown a part but I'm staying for the kids sakes!

It's all crap.

Trust me, once a cheat always a cheat, they aren't capable of changing.

At first they'll be the kindest most sincere person you'll meet & then they will get bored!

Its always the way I'm afraid, so even if he did leave his wife for you, you'll be waiting for the day he leaves you for someone else.

Peanutbutterrules · 17/03/2017 21:35

He was on a dating site OP - on the hunt for a shag.

Dump him before you waste years' of your life. He may leave his wife; but it won't be for you. He'll have his fun and move on.

Charming, believable and without a care in the world.

silkybear · 17/03/2017 21:39

315 messages telling her to get out and op still hasn't blocked him or come back to say she's ended it. I suspect anyfucker is bang on the money.

ohtheholidays · 17/03/2017 21:42

His first and only priority He's supposed to be a Father the Fucking Cunt!!

KarmaNoMore · 17/03/2017 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Youdosomething · 17/03/2017 22:20

I have been there too OP. With a lying cheating man, who said his wife didn't understand him, who never had sex with her, who didn't enjoy family life, who didn't want to leave because of his kids, who lied to his children just to be able to take them out with his new woman, who spent the spare family money on romantic meals for two and luxury weekends away as a treat. A man who made sure his wife was driven to her residential training course to prevent her returning home to her children and to stop him being caught in the act with a women other than his wife in his marital bed, missing his children's nativity to get more time for sex, I have been faced with the love of his life writing letters to warn me off, anonymous phone calls and shouted at for 'my behaviour'.
Yes I have been through the absolute devastation of finding out that the man I loved is a cheat and a liar and not the man I thought he was; the horrendous effect on everyone, parents, grandparents and his children, the forced house sale, the move away, the change of jobs, the tears from the children.
You see OP I am a wife whose husband did all of that to me, when he found someone else to sleep with whilst still happily married to me.

springydaffs · 17/03/2017 23:22

You seem to be turning your monumental shock and anger inwards, towards yourself. "How could I have not known" "What's wrong with me"

You need to stop that. Sadly, there are some very disordered people about and you have come into contact with one of them. The shock is immense - but don't blame yourself. You need to clear the decks of blaming yourself, of believing you are faulty. You are not faulty, it's he who is faulty.

You need to clear the decks of blaming yourself bcs it is blocking you from facing square on the kind of person he is.

But shock can do some weird things to us. You have been seduced and it takes a while to surface from that. Keep plugging on, get some support - friends, family, professional eg counsellor. You don't need to be ashamed of telling your friends you were conned by a MM - it's not your shame, it's his. So don't take on his shame. Really, shake it off, get rid of it. It doesn't belong to you.

He has lined you up, very specifically withheld crucial information until he had you well enough cooked/seduced. What sort of person does that? A not very nice person does that.

He is not who you think he is - or, rather, how he has portrayed himself. Be brave, bin him completely. Fall on your friends/family/counsellor and begin the healing. Give yourself a break - we're not all rock hard, most of us are soft and vulnerable and willing to trust, regardless of age. Doesn't mean we're stupid. Don't let someone like him take that away from you. yy we need to get some info behind us so we can spot any red flags in future, but don't be blaming yourself because you've unwittingly become entangled with someone like this.

KittyWindbag · 17/03/2017 23:53

He said "I'd like you to be the mother of my kids"
.......
Well, you've seen how he treats the first one. If that doesn't make you scraper I don't know what will.

Stop self flagellating now, you've been taken in by a professional liar, blaming your intuition is silly. Nobody expects people to be this horrid. If you did what a sad life you'd lead.

The point is you know now. Please do block him. I guarantee he's deriving satisfaction from the fact that you're still reading his texts. He feels like he has power over you and wants to enjoy reeling you in like a naive little fish. Don't let him treat you like that for god's sake.

Block delete move forward.

AmberNectarine · 17/03/2017 23:55

I really feel for you OP, you thought you were in a new relationship with an available man. Suddenly you have all this dumped in your lap. Of course that is hard to process.

The thing that stands out to me, and many others, is the comment about you being his 'first and only priority'. If any father said this to me, regardless of marital status, I would run like the wind. That comment is as damning an indictment of character as anything else. I hope he's feeding you a line, because the alternative suggests he's a sociopath.

This is such a shitty situation and I'm so sorry you're facing it, through absolutely not fault of your own, but the best possible resolution for you here is a clean break.

Fanciedachange17 · 18/03/2017 00:25

I was the wife. He left and I became the mistress for a while. My way of coming to terms with the shock of realising that every thing he said was a lie. I even found myself doubting his name! What I found fascinating was his complete and utter lack of any guilt. She'd ring him and he'd motion me to be quiet. Between them they went on to pull every dirty trick you could think of (and more) to destroy me. Nearly worked. Dcs despise him and will not see him. Doubt they ever will now. As for her? Well she got her dream. They married. She has a new DC and he regularly cheats although I don't think anyone tells her. (They tell me but I really don't care). Men like this are scum and they don't change. it's all about them, they are incapable of truly loving anyone but the reflection in the mirror.

pigeondujour · 18/03/2017 06:44

The thing is OP, everyone's right about it being 'just words' when he tells you he's a priority. But it's also 'just words' when you say how guilty you feel about it, unless that guilt is evidenced by you stopping seeing him. Don't let him turn you into the sort of person he is. A guy who makes you dislike yourself is the worst kind, because when he bins you off you're stuck with you.

EmeraldScorn · 18/03/2017 07:08

If he cheated on her with you, do you not think if he left her and married you that he wouldn't repeat the same cycle some time in the future? I bet he would and you'd be a fool to even give him the chance!