To chuck water over 'D'P?

[FringyFringe]

DP went out after work and said he'd be back late. I didn't sleep well last night so went to bed early.

He came in at 10.30pm and woke me up to watch a film with him. I didn't wake up right away, he whipped the bedsheets off me, tickled me then got a cold can from the fridge and put it against my skin repeatedly.

We do wind each other up alot and once I'd got over my initial 'just woken up' grumpiness I did see the funny side. I went to make us something to eat and when I came out of the kitchen the fucker was in bed, zonked.

I've taken the duvet and the pillows off the bed and he still hasn't moved.

WIBU to chuck a glass of water on him? I'm wide awake now after my sleep earlier and for no good reason

He agrees he went too far??

He choked you.

You're bringing your son up around this animal.

Apparently he's "fed up with me" I should "fuck off" and this warrants pinning me up against the wall by the throat.

This really happened op. Don't forget that until you free yourself. This is how he treated you.

Can I just say, to all the PP who are giving the OP a hard time about not LTB, that whilst you are all giving good advice and I totally agree with the message to try and get the OP to wake up and smell the coffee, that all you are going to do is to drive her away from MN and from the only source of support she has.

There is no point berating her. She needs our help and support, whatever she decides. I hope she doesn't feel apprehensive about posting again after the next event. Assuming it escalates, that's when she will really need some practical advice and we should all be here without judgment, not saying I told you so.

I hope you don't think I was berating you, op. Quite the opposite. While I want you to realise what he is minimising, I understand the things take time to sink in, and there's always that moment.
The concern is that because he can lose control and go for your throat you are statistically in significantly more danger with your partner.

I think you are stronger than you know.

I couldn't possibly post without saying it how it is because the stakes are so high for you, OP.

I was where you were - it took me 6 attempts to leave and none of the incidences I suffered were anywhere near as bad as being throttled (though if I had I'm sure it would have gotten to that point)

This man has skipped several of the escelation steps and moved right onto the final step before something completely irreversible happens.

It is so hard to see through the fog that you are experiencing when you are living with abuse. You cannot see the wood for the trees.

If I hadn't gotten professionals involved I'd have never gotten out.

I hope you can pick up the phone and at least talk to someone.

How are you doing now OP?

OP I'm sorry for what you're going through and nothing here is ok. First off my DH would never deliberately wake me up especially in such an aggressive way. Secondly even if I did lose control and do something like pour water on him, he'd be quite pissed off I assume but would never ever throttle me.
So even if you've acted wrong or overreacted there's really no reason for that in a normal relationship

I'm ok, I think, thanks for asking.

Things are still very very tense but not in a way that's making me anxious or frightened. We've talked at length which isn't like us, and spent hours in silence too but he has definitely accepted that he can't fix this overnight with a cuddle and a promise.

I'm still exhausted, not sleeping, tearful etc. But I hope that will pass. He's been reassuring without smothering/lovebombing me which I appreciate. This isnt something that can be solved by forced affection or breakfast in bed.

Is he doing anything? Such as, arranging himself counselling or therapy?

Or is it a case of just riding it out until it seems less important?

Has he said why he woke you? Was he bored? Playful? Saw a sleeping vulnerable woman and thought he'd have a bit of 'fun (aka bullying) ? Which you are not allowed to respond in kind to? (and God knows you will never do that again)

How long will you walk on eggshells now OP?

Please be aware, OP that he may have done physical damage
by grabbing you round the throat. Your thyroid at the front
of your throat is very delicate and it's not unlikely that it
has been damaged - the results can take a long time to become apparent.

Oh dear OP, I really hope he may have learnt a lesson from this but honestly I doubt it.

Only you know him and nobody can force you to leave him but please do get some therapy for yourself and maybe look at working on your self esteem and confidence so when something happens again you may be strong enough to leave.

I would also suggest you make sure you have a strong support network and plan in place incase you need to escape quickly at any point.

I know you think he is sorry and everything will be ok but it might not, he might tread on eggshells for a while but it may slowly creep back in and you really somewhere ready and somebody you can call straight away to collect you and your son.

I find it scary you are minimising what happened. Realistically he could have killed you and when the mood takes him what's to stop him doing it again or much much worse?

Has he done anything proactive re getting help? Have you looked at WA/ other literature?

OP, if it helps, I recall that when this happened to me, all I wanted was for things to get back to "normal". I wanted to put it behind me and not dwell on it, or think about what could have happened. I wanted us to continue being a family and so earnestly believed fooled myself that it could be OK again. And my DH was not even sorry, he blamed me for provoking him, and he told our DC that we were going to split up because of my actions. Looking back, I could not see how manipulating and abusive this was at the time. I just wanted us to be a happy family. I then spent the next 15 years trying to make us happy, trying to change him, putting up with his aggression. Talk about blind faith my stupidity ! Anyway, I do understand how difficult it is to make a big decision such as ending a relationship. I had no experience of this at all, my DH and I being together since teens, but you have. You know the signs of abuse, you have been there before, and you have got out, and survived. Twice. I hope you can start to listen to your instincts again. You are hoping he is a good man despite this event. You are in fact staking your life on it.

If you are not ready to make a big decision now, please urge him to seek anger management counselling from his gp as a matter of urgency. Or he can do the Freedom Programme (version for abusers). Test him to see if he is wiling to try and address his issues and change his behaviour. His response may be the deciding factor for you.

And keep strong and look after yourself.

Has he said why he woke you? Was he bored?

It's quite normal for me to go to bed early for a few hours and get up when he comes home. If I don't want to get up I let him know before he's home and he leaves me to sleep, and normally if he does wake me he'll rub my back or just try to speak to me rather than pissing me off!

Thanks Ashes it was painful for maybe three days after, sort of like if you poke a bruise. It seems ok now but I'll keep an eye out for anything that doesn't seem right.

I am due to go back to training after a period of leave, I need to have talking therapy through occupational health for this anyway related to my anxiety and depression so I can bring other things up during that too.

He hasn't mentioned counselling or therapy for himself and neither have I. I don't know how I feel about that, whether he needs it or not. He is normally very balanced and well-rounded. I'm still convinced it was a one off although I do realise this was alot more serious than just lashing out with a slap or a shove.

I'm never afraid to stand up to him, tell him how I feel, he doesn't always say much himself but equally he never makes me feel like I can't be open with him. If he has ever upset me before he takes all the blame, never minimises etc. I think he is having difficulty facing the reality of what has happened.

OP did you have a name change fail?

Oh it's fixed now, good.

He is normally very balanced and well-rounded.

I do not believe this. I absolutely believe that you think it to be true, but I do not believe it. Throttling someone against a wall, bruising their windpipe, is so far beyond the reach of normal behaviour that it is criminal. He could go to prison for this and my view is that he should.

You have had pretty much nothing but abusive relationships. Your picker is off; your abuse has skewed your perception of normal. I just don't believe he's never shown any signs of this at all before now.

But even if he hasn't, then this IS the sign. One that nobody can ignore. What consequences? What lessons?

Well if he can't face the reality, he is in denial. Op, why are you sure it is a one off? It never is, and you surely know that. And he's started at strangling, so God Knows how he will ramp it up.

You have had previous abusive relationships, and that is reason enough for you to seek help from WA/literature/online. You seem to be back pedalling from that now. Why do you think that is? I really do urge you to do this, over and above the work related counselling you are having. It can only help you.

Good god

A well balanced person doesn't put their hands round your throat and choke you.

After your partner chokes you, you still aren't sure he needs help/counselling?

Wow OP.

I don't know what's more shocking, the fact he hasn't even offered to get help or the fact you don't think he needs it.

Good luck OP, that's all I'll say

Oh obviously he doesn't need any help - throttling you is just normal.

And continually pranking you to the point you're tired of it is normal too.

although I do realise this was alot more serious than just lashing out with a slap or a shove.

There's no 'just' about a slap or a shove. Violence is violence. Yes, throttling you was more dangerous, but don't think that 'just' a slap or shove isn't serious.

No one should ever lay hands on another person in anger.

Agree so much acrossthepond
To me a slap or shove be would be so serious! I'd be so shocked! I know 100% my DH for all his faults would never ever do something , anything to deliberately hurt me/ even if he got really pissed off or frustrated!
The same way I don't backhand my kids when they're talking back to me! It's about self control and respect
So if a shove or slap is crossing the line, throttling you so hard you're injured is totally and utterly of the charts unacceptable
Not sure I could forgive and come back from that OP

I wish you weren't forcing your son into this situation.

I feel for the OP. I totally understand what she means when she says even though her OH has done this awful thing, the thought of hurting him can actually cause more emotional trauma than him hurting you. Sounds fucked up but it's the way some people's brains work, including my own.

OP - the people who are aggressively or sarcastically berating you do mean well and want you out of this bad situation. They're just incredibly frustrated that your mind is not telling you to get as far away as you can with your DS from this man who SNAPPED and did something absolutely unforgivable.

It will not be the last time. You can't say that it won't be.