To chuck water over 'D'P?

[FringyFringe]

DP went out after work and said he'd be back late. I didn't sleep well last night so went to bed early.

He came in at 10.30pm and woke me up to watch a film with him. I didn't wake up right away, he whipped the bedsheets off me, tickled me then got a cold can from the fridge and put it against my skin repeatedly.

We do wind each other up alot and once I'd got over my initial 'just woken up' grumpiness I did see the funny side. I went to make us something to eat and when I came out of the kitchen the fucker was in bed, zonked.

I've taken the duvet and the pillows off the bed and he still hasn't moved.

WIBU to chuck a glass of water on him? I'm wide awake now after my sleep earlier and for no good reason

OP why did you chase after him?

He wasn't home so you called him. He didn't answer so you text his mum.

No wonder he isn't acting like he's bothered about it all when he knows that despite him choking you, you still run after him when he's not home.

Of course I'm not having a go please don't think I am.
But you fell right into the trap. You panicked about him not being home so you tried all you could to get hold of him despite what he's just done to you..... it should be the other way round!!!

You need to ask him to leave. He needs to know how serious this all is. If he doesn't, then you know how little he cares.
A man who isn't bothered about putting his hands round your neck isn't a man you should be sharing your life with

I don't think he really cares how scared I was or that he's hurt me. If this is the case what exactly is stopping him doing the same, or worse, next time he's pissed off?

I know it's hard and you are mourning the life you wanted, and you're hoping you can still have that life. That life, the one with this man as the soul-mate who would never hurt you, is gone. It doesn't exist any more. You can have a happy life but it will take not being with him.

There isn't a way past this.

If he doesn't care and has shut down then that tells you all you need to know.

You need to concentrate more now on self-respect and less on having a lie in with him.
Seriously, love.

You've had three abusive relationships. Yes, this is abusive on several levels.

The choking was not an isolated incident because his continued behaviour is that of an abuser.

You want him to be someone he's not.

You need to get him out of your life and then work on yourself so you can break free and ensure that you don't fall for yet another abuser in the future.

I know it's not easy, but it is worth it.

Say just on the off chance that this is a one off, it's never happened before and it'll never happen again, he should still be fucking horrified by his behaviour, talking to you and aknowledging how awful this is for you. He isn't. That says a lot.

This is normal for him though, he generally shuts down if there's anything big to talk about.

Oh dear.

Textbook stuff. Invalidating your opinion.

He's minimising and denying. Game over, surely?

I'm so sorry OP but your supposedly kind, perfect man is sounding less and less so by the minute. He shuts down whenever you want to talk about something important? And you've learned to just brush this aside as 'normal for him'?

I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you right now. Don't worry about making any big decisions for now, just focus on one day at a time. I do think you need him out of the house for a few days at least, while you think about this some more.

As others have said, a truly decent man would be horrified with himself for doing this and would be doing whatever it took to make amends. The fact that he won't even acknowledge he did anything particularly serious is very scary.

I also have to add, the way you excuse his unreasonable behaviour and insist that you don't mind, or that it's just the way he is, sounds SO familiar to me. Right down to insisting that you don't mind being woken up in the middle of the night when you're exhausted.

I didn't get a good night's sleep for years when I was with my abusive ex. He'd come home from a night out singing to himself and turn on all the lights and I'd insist that I didn't mind, even though I was permanently shattered.

I can't tell you what a relief it was when we split and I realised I could finally go to bed whenever I liked!

I wonder, are there any other potentially shocking behaviours that you find yourself justifying (to yourself, or even to others) as 'just his way' or similar? Some examples from my own experience: making extremely inappropriate comments to me about other women, coming out with awful comments about my friends or family as 'jokes', making racist remarks about people he didn't like...

Is he in shock at what he's done or in shock that you are not rolling over and getting back to normal?

Please have a trial separation. It would be a good idea for many many reasons.

OP I've just caught up with your thread since it moved. It is sad to hear about how he is behaving in the aftermath. It resonates with my and so many other PPs experiences, including your own in past relationships.

Please please do what you know is right, what your experience tells you about this man and your future life with him. He isn't who you thought he was, or wanted him to be. Don't take too long to accept this truth.

Everyone here is urging you to be safe and LTB. It's practically unanimous advice. I believe that deep down you know this is necessary. What are you waiting for?

Sorry to seem harsh but not LTB when this happened to me was the worst choice I ever made. I wouldn't want you to make the same mistake. Think back, you've done this before, you have recovered, you will survive. He won't change. You deserve respect not throttling.

You can mourn the loss of this relationship when he is gone.

OP the best thing you can do right now is stand your ground, separate from him and report his actions to the police.

If (though I know it's not 'if') you feel that there's a decent guy in there then put it to the test and involve the relavent authorities and get yourself to a solicitor for a non-Mol order and any relevant children's act proceedings. You will be covered by Legal Aid if you have little to no savings and income.

A decent man will accept this and work with agencies to do everything he can to address his issues.

A decent man will not minimise, blame, manipulate, goad, threaten etc - let him show his colours in all their glory.

OP, your story resonates with me.

I didn't think I was in an abusive relationship until I left it. Now I know looking back that I was.

He was a drinker, a heavy one at that. On occasions when he had been drinking, he tried to strangle me, punched me on the nose etc. He never remembered the next day, he said he would get help but never did. This went on for about the last year of our eight year relationship.

He also became very controlling-he tried to stop me going on a weekends away with family/friends, he went crazy when I took mum out for mothers day and had one glass of prosecco cos I was meant to be off drink for lent and so on and so forth. We almost always went where he wanted and did what he wanted to do.

He had cheated twice and begged me not to tell anyone because it would ruin him. No concern for how I felt.

It all came to a head one Sunday when he became so verbally abusive that I lost control and hit him. I had never done that before and I shocked myself.

I knew at that point I had hit rock bottom and things had to change. I tried to make it work for a while but he wasn't willing to change or listen or discuss any of the difficult stuff.

Leaving was the most difficult thing I ever did but now, six months on, I know so much was wrong with that relationship, and I feel a huge weight off my shoulders.

I'm sorry for the length and the tone of this post but I couldn't read and run. I guess what I'm trying to say is if he's done it once, he will do it again. Yes, you pranked him but his actions were unjustifiable. As much as I sometimes think LTB is overused on here, I think you do need to separate yourself from him for the benefit of you and your child

Stay strong OP. Sending you

Littleme your post made me cry. I hope you are happy now

How are you today, OP?

Hi all, sorry I've been a bit absent over the weekend but I wasn't keen on sitting with the thread open when he was at home all the time.

Not much else has happened really. The atmosphere is calmer and we've managed to talk. He agrees that it went way too far and he isn't sure what to do to make it right. He's upset with himself and has said there is no justifying how he behaved, and that he hasnt wanted to push me into talking to him after he made me so frightened.

I know it seems crazy but I do believe him. I want him to take the lead and prove to me he wont let it happen again and I'll consider some of the advice here re:counslling etc.

I love him, and if there's a way forward I'd like to try and find one with him.

Thankyou all for your advice and support and kindness. It's helped alot even if it hasn't resulted in me leaving him as the majority have said I should.

If he was that sorry and that concerned with his behaviour he'd be packing his bags, moving out and getting help.

Please OP, please smell the coffee. Please call Women's Aid and tell them what happened.

Someone professional needs to help you put this into very real perspective.

I wish you all the best, OP. I understand not being ready to call it a day, it's a momentous decision. I truly hope you don't regret giving him another chance. Do post again if you need any more support, or if something else happens.

I highly recommend a book/e-book called "Should I stay or should I go?" By Lundy Bancroft, available on Amazon. It helped me to understand my situation and decide what to do.

He agrees that it went way too far and he isn't sure what to do to make it right. Is this the kind of language he's using? Because if it is, he is minimising.

He didn't 'go too far'. He assaulted you, scared the crap out of you, changed your entire relationship and could have seriously hurt you. He did something criminal and abusive.

He can't 'make it right'. What he could do is leave, get counselling, change some fairly serious aspects of his attitude and behaviour and possibly allow himself to enter a relationship after that.

He's not doing any of that though. Make sure you have a bag packed with paperwork, a mobile phone and some cash for next time he does it.

Oh dear.

Let's hope next time you're able to decide to leave and that he doesn't kill you instead.

This wasn't a slap and it wasn't "going too far." The man strangled you and pinned you to a wall and you're minimising his behaviour, say you believe him and love him and want to move forward with him.

If you won't leave this bastard at least ring the police and do a search under Claire's law to see if he has any previous convictions for violence. Because this won't have been the first time and it won't be the last.

You might love him but he doesn't love you, not properly, not if he can treat you like that. Please consider this.

Not much else has happened really. The atmosphere is calmer and we've managed to talk. He agrees that it went way too far and he isn't sure what to do to make it right. He's upset with himself and has said there is no justifying how he behaved, and that he hasnt wanted to push me into talking to him after he made me so frightened.
I know it seems crazy but I do believe him. I want him to take the lead and prove to me he wont let it happen again and I'll consider some of the advice here re:counslling etc

Ohhh so after ignoring the problem for several days, not seeing an issue with what's happened, not even acknowledging it all, he FINALLY agrees he went too far?!?! Oh wow well done him.

You do realise OP he should've realised this the day after? He should've acknowledged the problem the second he laid his hands on you. You also realise he's only saying all this because you hadn't given in so far don't you. So in his mind he's probably thought 'oh sod it, can't be arsed with all this so if I admit I've done wrong it will all be okay again' and it is! Because now he's admitted the problem he's gunna get help and you're both gunna live happily ever after

You say there's a way forward. No there isn't. He put his hands round your neck, didn't even acknowledge there was a problem in doing that, wouldn't even discuss it, and only admitted almost a week later that he'd done wrong. Are those the actions of a man who realises what he's done? No.

It'll probably be okay for a while. He'll be the perfect partner. Then the pranks will start again. And then in a few months/years something else will happen. And in the mean time you'll continue to brush things under the carpet and pretend you're okay with it all.

You relationship problems didn't began when he strangled you. They began when you started pretending to be alright about stuff, when you brushed things off because he'd just 'shut down'. There's no such thing, he isn't shutting down, he's just choosing not to acknowledge the issue because he cares that little.

Good luck OP. You'll need it. You've forgiven a man for choking you all within a week and without even asking him to leave or a trial separation. You've really taught him a lesson there.

Whatever else you do, please look at WA/Freedom Programme as it can only be helpful.

I know I am banging on, but again, after what you said re him "going too far".

He tried to strangle you.

Apparently he's "fed up with me" I should "fuck off" and this warrants pinning me up against the wall by the throat.

This is what happened and you genuinely feel safe living with this man? Talk is cheap. He's not sorry. It will happen again. You're trusting this man with your life when he's already proven himself to be a danger to you. Good luck OP.

Well you won't be 'pranking' him back in a hurry, will you? meanwhile he will continue abusing 'pranking' you, and you'll put up and shut up..and smile.