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Original poster

To chuck water over 'D'P?

435 replies

FringyFringe · 16/03/2017 00:26

DP went out after work and said he'd be back late. I didn't sleep well last night so went to bed early.

He came in at 10.30pm and woke me up to watch a film with him. I didn't wake up right away, he whipped the bedsheets off me, tickled me then got a cold can from the fridge and put it against my skin repeatedly.

We do wind each other up alot and once I'd got over my initial 'just woken up' grumpiness I did see the funny side. I went to make us something to eat and when I came out of the kitchen the fucker was in bed, zonked.

I've taken the duvet and the pillows off the bed and he still hasn't moved.

WIBU to chuck a glass of water on him? I'm wide awake now after my sleep earlier and for no good reason Angry

OP posts:
CryptoFascist · 17/03/2017 07:12

I agree that the pranks are actually signs of disrespect towards you.

PoorYorick · 17/03/2017 07:20

You say there was never any sign he was capable of this, but the signs are all there in your OP. He thinks it's acceptable to wake you up nastily, with tickling and cold cans, when he knows you're shattered, so that you can entertain him. And he's got you thinking this is good natured. That's your sign right there. I didn't imagine from that that he would then strangle you but I certainly knew he had no respect and thought you exist to service him at all times, and deserve punishment (cold cans) if you don't jump to it fast enough from late night sleep.

Given your history of abuse, it likely would not take much to make you feel loved....you have been treated so badly.

NaiceBiscuits · 17/03/2017 07:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NaiceBiscuits · 17/03/2017 07:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PollytheDolly · 17/03/2017 07:48

I think I might be wrong then Sad

frieda909 · 17/03/2017 08:02

This sound an awful lot like my previous relationship Sad

Constant 'wind-ups' and jokes. It's all just a bit of fun until suddenly... it's not. I realise now that I spent that entire relationship walking on eggshells and feeling so tense I could hardly breathe. But I plastered a big grin on my face and told everyone it was all fine and we just liked to have a laugh. Friends and family actually told me we were unpleasant to be around because we were so antagonistic towards each other.

My ex was verbally abusive towards me on a daily basis but I wasn't allowed to get upset because he was 'just messing around'. Sometimes he'd call me a string of vile names, then when I'd protest he'd say 'it's just a joke!' My response was always '...so what's the punchline?'

Please don't continue in this relationship as it is. You've seen now how the 'wind ups' can escalate. It's not healthy or loving at all.

PoorYorick · 17/03/2017 08:03

It's a literal punchline....

pictish · 17/03/2017 08:05

Southall - just...be quiet. Enough now.

Lelloteddy · 17/03/2017 09:01

Everything was NOT fine until last night OP.

flippinada · 17/03/2017 09:15

I don't really have anything to add to the excellent advice you've already been given but just wanted to add a message of support.

Fwiw, my first instinct on reading your post is that waking someone up in the way you describe being woken is really cruel. It's aggression disguised as a joke. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

Original poster
FringyFringe · 17/03/2017 10:19

I haven't slept at all again. I felt ok last night when he got home, it's hard to say why but I don't feel angry or frightened. He hasn't pushed any more boundaries, he's left me alone when I've said or shown him that I wanted it. I need to get through tonight at work and then I'll have some time over the weekend to sort myself.

I've been looking at property to rent nearby but I can't afford a deposit and I'm not sure where I'd stand with a council or housing association. I don't want to end up in homeless accommodation and for everything to be really disruptive and scary for DS. I have a feeling DP would go and stay with family if I asked him to but I'm not sure I'm ready to answer the questions that would arise from that happening.

He does seem genuinely upset with himself and doesn't really know what to do. That doesn't change what happened but I actually think Polly might be right in saying that he's in shock as well. I know for a fact that this has never happened with anyone he's been with before.

I'm exhausted, I just wish I could get my head round it all one way or the other and stop having to think about it.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 17/03/2017 10:30

Haven't read the whole thread, but you shouldn't have chucked water on him and he shouldn't have been so very violent.

You could have got a couple of cans and put on him.

Surely you knew he wouldn't jump up with delight when you threw water on him.

SandyY2K · 17/03/2017 10:40

I've just read a bit more and it's a shame this got so out of hand, to the point of you being terrified. No excuse for his behaviour.

PollyBanana · 17/03/2017 10:43

He doesn't know what to do?
Has he looked into having therapy or treatment for anger management?

If he really insists that "he isn't like that" he needs to proactively show that he is taking steps to ensure he really really isnt like "that"

Is he willing to go and be told by a third party how completley out of line his actions were?

MadMags · 17/03/2017 10:43

Ffs!

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 17/03/2017 10:46

*SandyY2K" Ok so the OP is somehow meant to know that putting cans on him is "ok" but chucking a couple of inches of water over his back (when he wasn't deeply asleep, he had sat up) is going to make him grab her by the throat?

Gallavich · 17/03/2017 10:57

fringe
What does he say about the original behaviour? When you say to him 'waking me up to watch a film with you was selfish and thoughtless, refusing to leave me to sleep when I was clearly tired was abusive, as was putting cold cans on my skin and taking my blanket'?
Have you asked him about that behaviour? Don't forget you yourself knew that was beyond pranking when you started this thread. You were making excuses but you threw water on him because you were angry at the way he had treated you.
So how does he explain that?

BantyCustards · 17/03/2017 11:00

OP

This piece of shit is respecting your boundaries right now because he is 'hoovering'

Please look up The Cycle Of Abuse

Original poster
FringyFringe · 17/03/2017 11:10

Sandy I know I shouldn't have chucked water on him, it was probably a step too far but I don't think his reaction was in proportion with what I did.

He hasn't said he isn't like that, he really hasn't said anything other than that he is sorry and if there's anything he can do to make it right, to which I said that he can't do anything, what's done is done.

I haven't asked him for an explanation because at the moment I fail to see that there is one really. He hasn't tried to explain or find an excuse. He agreed when I said there was a world of difference between a bit of water on his shirt and what he did to me.

I'll have a look at that Banty thanks. I'm swinging between worrying that I'm internalising this too much by not forcing him to face up to it and thinking that it was a horrible situation that went further than either of us could have anticipated and now we are both shocked and dont know where to go.

If he wasnt normally so gentle and loving I wouldnt be thinking twice.

OP posts:
MadMags · 17/03/2017 11:13

Your posts baffle me!

Because you are so sure that there's no excuse, nothing can say, no making up for it, he's 100% to blame. All true.

Yet, there's no part of you that seems to know that you don't stay with a man that chokes you with your son in the next room!

pictish · 17/03/2017 11:17

You'll stay for now I'll wager. You're in love with him, I know. He has faced little to no consequence for his shocking and dangerous behaviour because of this fact.

I have no doubt that this man's lack of respect, sense of entitlement and ugly temper will come to the fore again. I hope you will keep safe and do what needs doing when it does.

In the meantime, no more pranks. You're not his little brother.

ToastDemon · 17/03/2017 11:36

Sandy perhaps you should have read the whole thread then. It baffles me when people don't bother but still comment.

SpringTown46 · 17/03/2017 11:37

It's really important that you confide in a trusted third party. You're in a bubble at the moment and it is stopping you from being able to get a clear focus on the seriousness of what happened.

Those texts are evidence; make sure you have a back up record that only you can access, or better still, send them to someone to keep safe.

And please, at least go to your GP or practice nurse and get your throat checked out asap.

PoorYorick · 17/03/2017 11:41

What part of barging in on a tired mother asleepate at night, and waking her up with tickling and cold cans so she can entertain you is gentle and loving?

It's an absolutely horrible way to treat someone and I'll wager all his other hilarious "pranks" were every bit as ugly in spirit.

ClopySow · 17/03/2017 12:32

My dad used to play "pranks" on us as kids. We'd always end up upset by it would be our fault for being too sensitive because he was only having fun. It means you're always second guessing someone, trying to learn to be a better sport, trying not to get upset because you'll be made to feel ashamed of that upset.

I remember my dad slapping me hard across the face in the middle of one of these games because i'd been "too cheeky". He'd baited me and baited me and i got upset.

I really hope you find the strength and courage to get him the fuck out of your life. The whole waking you up thing was bad enough, i felt really uncomfortable reading that bit. Theres no going back from someone taking you by the throat.