To chuck water over 'D'P?

[FringyFringe]

DP went out after work and said he'd be back late. I didn't sleep well last night so went to bed early.

He came in at 10.30pm and woke me up to watch a film with him. I didn't wake up right away, he whipped the bedsheets off me, tickled me then got a cold can from the fridge and put it against my skin repeatedly.

We do wind each other up alot and once I'd got over my initial 'just woken up' grumpiness I did see the funny side. I went to make us something to eat and when I came out of the kitchen the fucker was in bed, zonked.

I've taken the duvet and the pillows off the bed and he still hasn't moved.

WIBU to chuck a glass of water on him? I'm wide awake now after my sleep earlier and for no good reason

However Southall may have said it, the fact is that that many abuse victims do repeat the cycle of being with abusive partners. It's common for the children of abusers to end up in abusive relationships (or abusers themselves,)

The fact that this is the OP's third abusive relationship is not a coincidence. That of course doesn't imply that this is the kind of relationship she wants, but that it's all she knows.

But it is very evident that the OP hasn't seen this an abusive relationship even though the signs were there.

The pranking constantly, being woken by a cold can from the fridge. The OP was so comfortable in fact in this dynamic that she felt justified in pouring water over her sleeping partner and thought this was completely normal. And as such she never could have foreseen what happened next.

OP, just because he's never strangled anyone before doesn't mean he's never abused anyone before. The answer to his question as to what he can do is "get the fuck out and never darken my door again." There is no way back from this. None. Ever. The first time you forgive is the first time you agree that it's ok. And the second time you'll remember that the first time you agreed that it was ok, and so on. And as hard as it is, this isn't just about you you have your DS to consider. If you stay in this abusive relationship he will grow up thinking that abuse is normal, and he will likely end up either in abusive relationships himself or more likely, will become an abuser. But right now this is about his safety, and while you are with this man your DS isn't safe.

I really do believe that people have to hit rock bottom before they realise how bad and wrong a situation has become and it sounds like you are nowhere near rock bottom yet.

He is abusive it shows from the escalation of pranks, then the waking you up because he wants you up to the trying to throttle you.

It will get worse and I really hope for your sake you get out before he really hurts you or traumatises your DS.

I am banging on but there is something he could do. Admit he has a problem, and seek help. Withdraw from this (any) relationship until he is dealing with it,

Sadly you cannot know for a fact that he has not done this/similar in previous relationships, unless you were there. I am now really concerned that he is in fact a practiced, and sophisticated abuser (whether he knows it or not). The pranking, his softly ,softly approach after trying to strangle you all indicate someone used to being in control.

I know you love him, and that you feel that his being different now to your previous abusers mean that he is not an abuser. And that you don't want to hurt him ( another sign of abuse can be making someone else responsible for your happiness).

But remember. He put his hands round your throat and tried to strangle you. There is no excuse.

I suggested it above, but I'll reiterate; the two of you need to go to counseling. This may be an isolated incident. It may be the start of an escalation of violence. But you won't find that out by giving each other the silent treatment. You won't find out if trying to talk about it together leads to denial or stonewalling. If he won't go, go alone. If he won't go under these circumstances, I'd consider it a red flag.

One thing I do know, is that you and he need to agree NO MORE PRANKS until the two of you either work this out with help or you decide to split.

Again: this won't get better on its own. It'll get buried and eat at you until the two of you get help to get sorted

No no no to joint counselling! The worst possible advice in this scenario.
OP you know NOTHING about his previous behaviour as fact. Abusers tend not to give you a rundown of the abusive behaviours they've exhibited in the past.
He could have killed you last night.

"I really do believe that people have to hit rock bottom before they realise how bad and wrong a situation has become and it sounds like you are nowhere near rock bottom yet." this should be rock bottom though. Strangulation is as bad as it gets. There is a statistic which suggests that someone who puts their hands round someone's throat is far more likely to kill them. You can in fact kill someone through throttling them without actually intending to do so.

And there is a child in the equation here. He only has to mention at school what happened (and don't assume he doesn't know) for SS to become involved. In fact what the OP needs to ask herself is, if SS said that the OP needs to choose between her partner and her child because if she doesn't leave her partner they will remove her child, what would she do? And therein lies the answer. Because if SS become involved that is what will happen.

I understand that people find it hard to leave when they thought they were in a loving relationship. But when there are children to think about those choices cease to be yours. You have to leave for the sake of your DS.

As for the poster who said this could be an isolated incident, no way. I could concede that a slap could be an isolated incident, or a push, something which might happen out of reflex, but pinning someone to a wall by the throat is not a reflex reaction. It really isn't. If you're not of a violent persuasion then this wouldn't even happen impulsively. He knew what he was doing. There's a chance that he hadn't intended to show his hand so quickly but that temper got the better of him, but I'd lay money on the likelihood that he has form. What happened with his previous relationships? Why did they end? If the OP knows the previous partners I would even be inclined to go and speak to them. Because even if he's never pinned another woman against a wall before, he has almost certainly hit another woman before. There's no way he hasn't.

From a practical point of view, is it your house /rented /in both names/ housing association? Would he move in with his parents for a while/would they have him? If perhaps you can stay where you are that might take one worry off your mind? Chin up kiddo, none of this is your fault x

Just wanted to say that I was in a relationship with someone I met in October a couple of years ago. He was my dream man in every single way for four months and I trusted him implicitly.

Then we went to a friend's 40th, we were both drinking, and another man at the party (husband of one of my friends) complimented me on my dress and took a photo of me.

My partner saw all this, it lasted maybe a minute? Nothing else said or insinuated. When we got back to our hotel room he started a fight, saying that I'd been flirting. I really, really hadn't. I took my dress off to get ready for bed and he went for me, grabbed my arms so hard I was badly bruised, flung me against a mirror and then threw me on the bed. Then he opened the hotel room door (it opened directly to outside and there was about a foot of snow), pushed me out, too half naked and slammed the door shut in my face. I was petrified and sobbing. About two minutes later he opened the door and it swung shut behind him and the key was inside. So he smashed the door in.

He was very apologetic the next day, but needless to say that was just the start. I then endured two years of gradually increasing abuse, mental and physical. He held a broken glass to my throats and threatened to kill me, he threw me out on the street in the middle of the night more times than I can remember, he isolated me from all friends and family and I became a shell of the person I was. He refused to see anything wrong in his behaviour.

I still have the mental scars four years on. I don't give it any headspace but sometimes I'll panic about things like that my DP will think I've been up to no good because I've worn a black lace bra instead of a less fussy one. Stupid things that just creep up.

I WISH I had walked away the first time it happened. But I was young, stupid and naive. Don't make the same mistake I did.

To the posters who said he's abusive and you need to get out asap-what do you expect!?

There are zero circumstances where I would expect my partner to pin me against the wall by my throat. That is never, ever acceptable, ever. What on earth do you think people should be saying? "It's fine for your partner to physically assault you, go and say sorry to him?"

Really, Montaine? You think chucking a couple of inches of water over someone gives them passage to pin you up against a wall and snarl at you? To the point where your windpipe still hurts two days later?

FFS I might not have found the strength to up and leave him but I know I didn't deserve that reaction.

I hope to you don't post on any other threads started by someone who's going through something like this as they might just be brow beaten enough to think what you say makes sense.

I had no idea when i posted that the situation would have escalated into what it did. I posted light heartedly because I was miffed at him for waking me up then going to sleep himself and I wanted to play a joke on him as he had done to me. I namechanged incase the story was relayed as I know his sister is a MNer and I didn't want an identifying scenario attached to my usual name.

You ask what I expected? I expected him to be a bit grumpy at being disturbed and then laugh it off as I had done earlier. I expected to have gone to bed next to my boyfriend, not this stranger who scared the shit out of me and hurt me. Even he hasn't tried to tell me I deserved it, that's how fucked your opinion is.

Montane50

i've reported your posts. please STFU as you are disgusting.

OP- ignore her.

At what point did i say you deserved it?? I did not say that at all! I said what did you expect!?? No person deserves to be walled up either male or female ffs

If you actually read the post right above yours montane she explained why she posted.

"What did you expect" is pretty similar to "you were asking for it"

Apple? Really? Christ in a bucket you're missing the point of what I wrote

You're warped, Montaine.

I suggest you seek help or at least find something better to do.

What was your point then? I've answered your questions. What is it that's still not clear?

WannaBe

If you had quoted/read my whole post you would've realised I said she should leave him and asap before he hurts her further and traumatises the child, which he will!

But she has to hit rock bottom and her POSTS make it clearly sound like she hasn't hit rock bottom yet. it doesn't matter if you or I think she should leave if she isn't there mentally yet. As I said hopefully she won't be badly beaten before she is ready to leave.

Firstly I am so sorry you are going through this OP

If he hasn't removed himself from the relationship and began to seek help to understand his behaviour then he just isn't as sorry as he is saying he is.

He should be terrified he had such a reaction and removing himself from the situation to protect you.

It sounds to me like he is hoping he will get away with it.

take a look here OP

Sandy I know I shouldn't have chucked water on him, it was probably a step too far but I don't think his reaction was in proportion with what I did.

Absolutely agree with you. Hence I posted again, straight after my first post.

I would have been incredibly angry at being woken up to begin with.

It just brought back memories of something I went through myself (hands round throat) and I realised that whilst I don't excuse the behaviour in my situation, I did through my own anger and words provoke him.

Continued.... But the degree of violence in your case was absolutely overboard in the situation.

He acted like a man possessed.