WWYD?? Happy marriage+ just found out "DH" cheated at beginning of relationship.

[IntoTheNightToSaveTheDay]

I am floored. Been married 8 years, together 10. 3 little DS together, 2, 5, 8 plus a DSS, 22

Back story. Met DH a few months after he left his first marriage, His XW wanted him back but he didn't want to. I kept asking him if he was sure it was over as I didnt want to get in the way if there was a way back. But he was adamant it was over. I was 24 and a bit naïve tbh, At my age now I would have steered clear of a newly-ish separated man with a child

Things moved quickly and we were head over heels. He moved in with me after a month (I know it was too quick) we were talking marriage, children, neither of us felt like this before etc. He was seeing his DS (who was 12 at the time) fairly regularly too although things weren't good with his EXW she wasn't happy he had a new gf constantly cancelling access and messing DH about. I didn't meet DSS as wasn't appropriate.

Then 8 months in he walked out after a minor row. I went to work as just thought would blow over but when I came home all his stuff was gone and his key through the door and a note saying it was over. I was devastated, he wouldn't answer his phone or anything, I had no idea where he had gone. I rang his work and they said he had rang and quit that morning. I was so worried as was just totally out of character.

After a few days he got in touch and asked to see me. He said he had made a mistake but that the row had made him panic he would lose me and could we take it slowly and see each other again. He said he was staying with his brother. I hadn't even met his brother so just had to take his word for it. So he was texting me all the time and coming over most nights still staying over sometimes but going back to his brothers. I realise how mad all this sounds btw and how much of a twat I was for accepting this but I just wanted him so much. Pathetic ay. Anyway for about a month this shit behaviour continued until I had had enough, he was clearly messing me about and to just F off and leave me alone even though I was devastated.

A week or so later he got in touch again begging for one more chance, saying he couldn't stand to be apart from me, that it was killing him and he wanted to move back in once and for all and have a proper relationship again like before. Something made me take him back and it was just like it was in the first few months again, better if anything.

DSS wouldn't see him or speak to him for a whole year. DH ended up having to go to court to gain access etc again. It was v difficult at first and my step son wouldn't meet me at all until about 5 years ago. We get on great now and he adores his brothers. He lives away at Uni but often comes home to either his mums or our house. DH and I got married a couple of years after we got back together properly and have had our 3 boys and have been very very happy.

This weekend DSS was at our house. DH was working but me, DSS and DSs were at home. I was getting annoyed because step son was winding up his brothers, it was a silly disagreement but he just suddenly started saying he fucking hates me, I ruined his life, he will never accept me, and all this just completely out of the blue. Then he said that there are things I don't know about DH, that he is a liar and a cheat. Anyway it turns out that the time where DH was messing me around he was seeing his ex wife again (DSS mum). He says he was all excited as he thought his dad was coming home but then his dad left again and got back with me and that is why he refused to see him for so long. A big part of me felt absolutely terrible for DS :( I just somehow stayed calm and waited till later to confront DH.

DH's side of the story is that DSS mum wanted him back and said if he didn't come back he couldn't see DSS. So he pretended to his EXW that he was willing to get back with her and they were meeting up and going out as a family etc because he was so desperate to see DSS. He says he didn't sleep with her but I just think that must be bullshit. He says he only stayed one night which was Christmas eve as he wanted to see DSS open his presents. This actually tallies with what DSS said, that he slept over on that night. DH claims he slept on the sofa that night, what absolute clichéd bullshit . He says it was true he couldn't be apart from me and he told EXW that he didn't want to come back and that he just wanted access to DSS and not see her in any way other than DSS mum. This explains why DSS was so angry with his dad and wouldn't meet me - I am the reason (in his eyes) that his mum and dad aren't together.

I don't know who or what to believe. If he had have been straight with me at the beginning about where he had been and why he was acting like such a dick head I would have been angry but I probably still would have taken him back! Its the lies that have just completely killed me. That in those few weeks he was texting me all the time and coming to fuck see me while secretly playing fucking happy families with his child and EXW who he had sworn he was over

I told him to get out yesterday and go to his mums. I don't want to see him. I don't know who he is. TEN YEARS of so called happiness and I find this shit out.

Love bombing I'd pretty much being overshowered with affection and attention. Usually done in the beginning of a relationship.

I would be careful not to confuse it with enthusiasm though. Most of us are very enthusiastic at the beginning of a relationship and keen to show our best side.

The first wife will have experienced things before you with him. That's always the case when you marry a divorcee. That's something you need to work at within yourself.

Work at losing the jealousy, with the knowledge it didn't work between them and he's now married to you.

As you said initially... you wouldn't have dated a recently separated man with the knowledge you have now. They will be torn on their decision, especially with children involved.

Leave it in the past and focus on the present and the future.

I understand exactly how you feel.

My first real partner and I had a beautiful start to our relationship - very romantic and loving. His first serious girlfriend was a friend to both of us. In the midst of all this he'd got drunk and they ended up together the one time I wasn't there.

Years later when he confessed, in a drunken moment, I was devastated. We'd remained friends with his Ex. It felt like all the years together were based on a lie. Him and his Ex had this secret from me. It wasn't the infidelity as much as the lying about it. I felt like a mug.

I never really trusted him again. We stayed together but I'd lost the security of our shared past because he'd not been honest. I still loved him but he broke us. We might have been better splitting up as it was never the same afterwards.

If you can't get over it, that's not a problem. You don't have to. He broke your trust. He lied about this for years and would have continued doing so if his son hadn't told you. They clearly were sleeping together as his son assumed they were back together.

People are saying 'it's 10 years you'd be giving up on'. Well in another way he's taken 10 years of her life essentially. You weren't together when he went back to his wife, but he never told you he was sleeping with her either. He might even have been having sex with both of you at the same time. I'd have trouble forgiving him for that too.

I'd say if he hasn't moved back in yet, have Christmas apart, let him see your child and discuss it in the new year. Even ask him to leave again if he's back. Have a good Christmas and new year not thinking about it. Try again next year.

I'm surprised to find I have a different perspective on the 10 years than most posters. People up thread said essentially 'it was 10 years ago, so get over it'. My take is the opposite of that. He lied to her and kept that lie up for 10 years. She thought she was in an open and honest marriage and she wasn't. He didn't ever come clean, dss spilled the beans.
I wouldn't want to accept a decade of lying. Wouldn't want to break up over it either. I think you both need to find the money for counselling.

I really feel for you, OP. I know I'd be raging about it too.

Just a random thought. Given that the ex is such hard work, I think it's likely she'd have stuck her oar in at some point and made sure you knew if they had slept together. Unlikely to me she'd miss that chance to make you feel shit if it had happened (that is, if she realised at some point later that you must have been on the scene at that time - certainly your DSS thinks you were).