WWYD?? Happy marriage+ just found out "DH" cheated at beginning of relationship.

[IntoTheNightToSaveTheDay]

I am floored. Been married 8 years, together 10. 3 little DS together, 2, 5, 8 plus a DSS, 22

Back story. Met DH a few months after he left his first marriage, His XW wanted him back but he didn't want to. I kept asking him if he was sure it was over as I didnt want to get in the way if there was a way back. But he was adamant it was over. I was 24 and a bit naïve tbh, At my age now I would have steered clear of a newly-ish separated man with a child

Things moved quickly and we were head over heels. He moved in with me after a month (I know it was too quick) we were talking marriage, children, neither of us felt like this before etc. He was seeing his DS (who was 12 at the time) fairly regularly too although things weren't good with his EXW she wasn't happy he had a new gf constantly cancelling access and messing DH about. I didn't meet DSS as wasn't appropriate.

Then 8 months in he walked out after a minor row. I went to work as just thought would blow over but when I came home all his stuff was gone and his key through the door and a note saying it was over. I was devastated, he wouldn't answer his phone or anything, I had no idea where he had gone. I rang his work and they said he had rang and quit that morning. I was so worried as was just totally out of character.

After a few days he got in touch and asked to see me. He said he had made a mistake but that the row had made him panic he would lose me and could we take it slowly and see each other again. He said he was staying with his brother. I hadn't even met his brother so just had to take his word for it. So he was texting me all the time and coming over most nights still staying over sometimes but going back to his brothers. I realise how mad all this sounds btw and how much of a twat I was for accepting this but I just wanted him so much. Pathetic ay. Anyway for about a month this shit behaviour continued until I had had enough, he was clearly messing me about and to just F off and leave me alone even though I was devastated.

A week or so later he got in touch again begging for one more chance, saying he couldn't stand to be apart from me, that it was killing him and he wanted to move back in once and for all and have a proper relationship again like before. Something made me take him back and it was just like it was in the first few months again, better if anything.

DSS wouldn't see him or speak to him for a whole year. DH ended up having to go to court to gain access etc again. It was v difficult at first and my step son wouldn't meet me at all until about 5 years ago. We get on great now and he adores his brothers. He lives away at Uni but often comes home to either his mums or our house. DH and I got married a couple of years after we got back together properly and have had our 3 boys and have been very very happy.

This weekend DSS was at our house. DH was working but me, DSS and DSs were at home. I was getting annoyed because step son was winding up his brothers, it was a silly disagreement but he just suddenly started saying he fucking hates me, I ruined his life, he will never accept me, and all this just completely out of the blue. Then he said that there are things I don't know about DH, that he is a liar and a cheat. Anyway it turns out that the time where DH was messing me around he was seeing his ex wife again (DSS mum). He says he was all excited as he thought his dad was coming home but then his dad left again and got back with me and that is why he refused to see him for so long. A big part of me felt absolutely terrible for DS :( I just somehow stayed calm and waited till later to confront DH.

DH's side of the story is that DSS mum wanted him back and said if he didn't come back he couldn't see DSS. So he pretended to his EXW that he was willing to get back with her and they were meeting up and going out as a family etc because he was so desperate to see DSS. He says he didn't sleep with her but I just think that must be bullshit. He says he only stayed one night which was Christmas eve as he wanted to see DSS open his presents. This actually tallies with what DSS said, that he slept over on that night. DH claims he slept on the sofa that night, what absolute clichéd bullshit . He says it was true he couldn't be apart from me and he told EXW that he didn't want to come back and that he just wanted access to DSS and not see her in any way other than DSS mum. This explains why DSS was so angry with his dad and wouldn't meet me - I am the reason (in his eyes) that his mum and dad aren't together.

I don't know who or what to believe. If he had have been straight with me at the beginning about where he had been and why he was acting like such a dick head I would have been angry but I probably still would have taken him back! Its the lies that have just completely killed me. That in those few weeks he was texting me all the time and coming to fuck see me while secretly playing fucking happy families with his child and EXW who he had sworn he was over

I told him to get out yesterday and go to his mums. I don't want to see him. I don't know who he is. TEN YEARS of so called happiness and I find this shit out.

The OPs reaction is entirely appropriate and entirely valid.

How is it that on one thread posters bleat on about how a cheating man must take full responsibility and here a barrel full of man apologists telling the OP to suck it up!

He messed her about 10 years ago. It fucked with her well being. She didn't know why, now she knows it's because he was cheating on her with his ex.

He is minimising. Blaming the ex wife. He also lied about it to his great love for 10 fucking years.

Now it's hurting her all over again but it's her fault if she throws the marriage away???

No fucking way.

If nothing else. He has proved himself untrustworthy. An accomplished liar. So why exactly should she believe he didn't fuck the ex?

I think you're seeing the situation from your own view of as a woman who has an adoring DH and a very happy marriage. So you're, understandably, projecting all those emotions on to how your DH's relationship was with his ex. The reality back then is your DH was in a
unhappy, fraught and very stressful situation and you were the light of his life then and now.
I don't think your DH would have been even remotely interested in having
sex with his stbx under those circumstances.

Thank god for cake I thought I had slipped into a parallel universe.

You feel what you feel, but I am quite shocked at the sheer strength of your anger and bile over something that happened ten years ago and was tied to a marriage ending and children being involved. Your anger and resentment seems even more important to you that your marriage.

I can't advice on how you should proceed, for the simple reason I wouldn't be as angry as you in the first place, angry yes, but not this all consuming and destructive fury, I'd personally take the approach of talking and trying to understand it.

However what I would advise is try to understand what's causing you to behave and feel the way you are. Maybe you can address it and then possibly save your marriage. Because I'm fairly sure at some point your husband will have taken enough of a kicking and stop begging.

What is they say, at some point you need to stop kicking , because whatever you're kicking has already died.

I'm just all over the place 😰 I don't know what to think, or believe, or feel

A lot of different opinions from posters which I suppose was inevitable really, as will be the same with most threads on here, but isn't helping my state of mind

I do now know that I don't want to destroy my marriage over this but I don't know where to go from here, H and I can talk and talk (and he's willing) but last night we just ended up going round in circles 😩

10 years ago he swept through the cheaters script at expense to your emotional state. He decided he would pick you. Lovely of him to take such good care of his own wants but he intentionally denied you the right to make an informed decision on wether he was good enough for you.

You don't know what to do. That's ok. You don't need all the solutions.

You will gain clarity with distance. Separation is always recommended. Not a little period while he and his agenda loaded mum wear your resolve away, but enough time for you to feel secure on your own two feet.

Only then will you know if you truly want him for him and not fear of loneliness and can see a future without resentment and sadness. How many relationships limp on unhappily if this step is missed, we read it frequently here.

Fwiw, you sound switched on with a sharp perspective. You also sound a really nice step mum. What a fucker your husband was.

It's in the past, keep it there. It doesn't change the relationship you have now.

It does change the relationship she has now because she has learned her adoring husband is actually a very capable liar and a cheat.

He didn't want to lose her and that's why kept her in the dark of his secret. That's not a comfort. It's duplicitous and he full well knew she quite rightly may have dumped him but now has dc and 10 years of history tying her to him. It's not fair!

Cake - from where have you got such evidence that op's dh cheated on her?

IntoTheNight - this is definitely not a case for ltb. Yes, it will take time and quite possibly some counselling to move forward but please don't throw away a marriage that many of us would give our eye teeth for. Remember, he chose you over his son - and that was what the choice was - not you over his ex-wife but you over his son. He must have been driven to despair by the situation but it was you he loved most.
Which brings me on to his son - who knows that you were his father's choice. There must be so much pain and anger there. That needs to be addressed.

From the op...

...it turns out that the time where DH was messing me around he was seeing his ex wife again...

It's not quite right to say he chose her over his son. He did not. He chose between two women. His son felt all sorts of horror I'm sure including abandonment, but that's not on the OP. The built up anger of the son are his parents fault for not addressing it at the time.

I get the argument that they have had 10 years of good. Perhaps they can get past this, but not if she is coerced into minimising this and swallowing her hurt with rubbish arguments like 'it's in the past'. He's a liar and a cheat. Remember for all his apparent doe eyed devotion for OP he was perfectly content to never be truthful. Who did that benefit more, him or her?

When he messed her about, she was so confused and hurt she quit her nursing degree and took medication. If you look up the cheaters script, causing maximum anguish by keeping the cheated on in the dark is a classic outcome. So what if he fucking loves her. He has tangible damage to answer for.

You could throw a perfectly good relationship away over something that may or may not have happened 10 yrs ago. Personally I just couldn't get that worked up about it.
You say he's been a fantastic father and a great husband and ok there may have been a bit of a messy start but that's not unusual when someone is coming out of a marriage with children involved and where there's 'baggage'. It would be a terrible shame to throw all that you have created together away simply because he was struggling a bit at the start.
I went through a not dissimilar start to the 10 yrs old relationship I am currently in - a messy business but I realised that this was about a shared history with someone else and tried to be empathetic about it. Not always easy and often I struggled but I did understand.
I get that you're angry and hurt but I think you'd be terribly foolish to end your relationship over this.

I keep checking back hoping for an update from OP saying she is beginning to feel calmer. Not likely if she is also checking back on this thread!
Cake, what is your agenda? 'The Cheater's Script' ffs? The man missed his child and it made him act irrationally and then he saw that returning to a miserable marriage wouldn't work and he worked up the courage to leave for good. Falling in love with the OP obviously complicated things but hey, life isn't simple. And yes he didn't tell OP all about it but it was a brand new relationship and a very complicated situation.
I really don't see how spouting all this crap could ever help the OP- especially as I am pleased to see she doesn't want this to be the end of what sounds a lovely happy marriage.

@CakeForBreakfast But actually if you read the thread op admits she doesn't know if he cheated. She can't believe he would spend one night (Christmas Eve) at ex-wife's house and not shag her. Plenty of us on here think that there are many men who would be able to resist the charms of an ex-wife.
So a bit less of 'he's a liar and a cheat' might be in order.

My agenda is the emotional well being of the OP. Wherever that path goes.

But I don't like seeing women told their anger and hurt is irrational and they should suck it up.

Because they really fucking shouldn't.

Why is everyone sticking to the "it's ok because he did it because he missed his child" line?

The same child that was expected to keep his secret from his new wife?

The child that chose not to see him because of how messed up his brief return was and the damage it caused the child?

The child that was the subject of a court order for contact and even through this process the op wasn't aware of the circumstances behind his refusal to see his dad?

The child that built resentment towards his father and stepmother because he was unable to express his hurt and anger at how his mother and himself had been treated because his stepmother didn't know.

The child that will now be carrying a hell of a lot of guilt because after all the years he has now let the secret out?

Oh yes father of the century this man is. Ffs!! He didn't do any of this because he missed his child. That child has suffered more than anyone at his fathers hand.

Your poor boys, where are they in all this. You need to calm down and put yourself in his shoes for a while to think about why he did what he did.

You have no evidence he was shagging her, no reason to disbelieve him, he was dealing with the huge guilt of a family break up and dealt with it badly.

Calm down and think rationally without letting your jealousy decide your dc future.

Just a quick message to let you know I am still reading but I dont know how to reply TBH. Some of the replies are messing me up even more but I'm glad people have given their honest opinions. H is coming home tonight. I can't keep him from the boys or vice versa. They are clearly missing him and I am also worried they're picking up on my emotions although I'm trying my damnedest to keep things normal

Thanks again for the replies

Was there any overlap between him leaving his wife and child and him shacking up with you, OP?

No. They had been separated for a few months Ken. It's a long while ago but iirc was at least 6 months maybe longer.

"Slept on the sofa" is a load of absolute bollocks though. I think you must know that deep down.

"Slept on the sofa" is a load of absolute bollocks though. I think you must know that deep down

TBH I don't see how comments like that are particularly helpful for the OP.

The point is she doesn't know for sure and may never know. All she knows is that things were clearly a lot messier at the time than she thought - IMO partly because of her naivety/age at the time, and partly because he was trying to keep everybody happy whilst just making the mess messier for whatever reason.

The point is now can she move on from that and wipe the slate clean - given the fact that they did have a happy marriage and he has ten years of 'good behaviour' on his side.

That's for OP to decide in her own time. Nobody else on here knows this man so to judge him one way or the other is unfair and unhelpful.

He's got form for being a liar. Why is there a halo of truth around the assertion that he slept on the sofa?

We're all adults here and I think that most of us can see what's going on. I have real doubts that there was no overlap in relationships but obviously that's just my hunch. But if it is the case, then sadly the OP will know how good her DH is at lying where sex with other women is involved and that's why she can't let it go, possibly.

It's all very sad though especially for the DDs and SDD.

I don't know if I agree that he has form for being a liar. Yes he lied about where he was/his situation when he first got together with the OP but going on what she has said, he's done nothing else wrong in the last ten years.

Assuming he must have slept with his wife/ex wife at the time is no more helpful than assuming he didn't.

@RosettaPebble you made very valid points and I would put the damage, along with hurt (to his son), even as the stepmother, would be more of a concern.

OP - try and push aside the jealousy you had for his Ex. I really don't fully understand why a lot of second wives feel like this.

One STB second wife is angry that the Ex won't be reverting to her maiden name.

He met her before you. You were 9 years old when they got married, so it would have been an impossible relationship anyway at that time.

The way forward?

~ meeting between the OP, your husband and DSS. Where he apologises to his DS, without any negative comments about his Ex.

He makes it crystal clear that you were not the cause of the marriage breaking down and is honest about how he deceived you.

There isn't much more he can do. He couldn't believe you fancied him and you couldn't believe he was such a good catch. So I'm hopeful you can work this out.

I'd also suggest that you consider marriage counselling, if nothing else sorts things out.

Once again, this isn't about minimising or invalidating your feelings. It is a big deal, but considering you've had a pretty good marriage over the last decade, try and find it in you to forgive his stupidity.

This requires a lot of honesty from your DH, especially where his son is concerned. Your DH needs to take responsibility for it and not make it about his Ex and her evil intentions, because that will only push his son further away from the both of you.

The thing is that there is no way of knowing whether he did or didn't sleep with the ex.

And the reality is that if he did, then he wasn't cheating on the OP with his ex, he was in fact cheating on his wife with the OP.

The OP was the OW, albeit unknowingly. He was married. He split with the OP and went back to his wife. Made out that they were going to work things out but still continued to see the OP.

So in truth what OP needs to come to terms with is that she was the OW for a time. His loyalty should have been towards his wife at that point where he was telling her they were going to work things out.

And what comes after is that he and his wife didn't work things out, they split up again and got divorced. He married the OP and they had a ten year happy marriage with three children. What went before doesn't negate that fact.

It's entirely possible that he never actually slept with his wife if they already had no sex life before they had split. But regardless of all of that he definitely cheated on his wife with the OP as he was leading her to believe that they were getting back together while sleeping with the OP on the side. So if anyone has the right to be upset it's the wife.

The OP knew she was with a married man. She may not have realised that he was trying to fix his marriage, but she did know that he was still married. He could have gone back to his wife at any point.