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Original poster

WWYD?? Happy marriage+ just found out "DH" cheated at beginning of relationship.

205 replies

IntoTheNightToSaveTheDay · 13/03/2017 10:16

I am floored. Been married 8 years, together 10. 3 little DS together, 2, 5, 8 plus a DSS, 22

Back story. Met DH a few months after he left his first marriage, His XW wanted him back but he didn't want to. I kept asking him if he was sure it was over as I didnt want to get in the way if there was a way back. But he was adamant it was over. I was 24 and a bit naïve tbh, At my age now I would have steered clear of a newly-ish separated man with a child

Things moved quickly and we were head over heels. He moved in with me after a month (I know it was too quick) we were talking marriage, children, neither of us felt like this before etc. He was seeing his DS (who was 12 at the time) fairly regularly too although things weren't good with his EXW she wasn't happy he had a new gf constantly cancelling access and messing DH about. I didn't meet DSS as wasn't appropriate.

Then 8 months in he walked out after a minor row. I went to work as just thought would blow over but when I came home all his stuff was gone and his key through the door and a note saying it was over. I was devastated, he wouldn't answer his phone or anything, I had no idea where he had gone. I rang his work and they said he had rang and quit that morning. I was so worried as was just totally out of character.

After a few days he got in touch and asked to see me. He said he had made a mistake but that the row had made him panic he would lose me and could we take it slowly and see each other again. He said he was staying with his brother. I hadn't even met his brother so just had to take his word for it. So he was texting me all the time and coming over most nights still staying over sometimes but going back to his brothers. I realise how mad all this sounds btw and how much of a twat I was for accepting this but I just wanted him so much. Pathetic ay. Anyway for about a month this shit behaviour continued until I had had enough, he was clearly messing me about and to just F off and leave me alone even though I was devastated.

A week or so later he got in touch again begging for one more chance, saying he couldn't stand to be apart from me, that it was killing him and he wanted to move back in once and for all and have a proper relationship again like before. Something made me take him back and it was just like it was in the first few months again, better if anything.

DSS wouldn't see him or speak to him for a whole year. DH ended up having to go to court to gain access etc again. It was v difficult at first and my step son wouldn't meet me at all until about 5 years ago. We get on great now and he adores his brothers. He lives away at Uni but often comes home to either his mums or our house. DH and I got married a couple of years after we got back together properly and have had our 3 boys and have been very very happy.

This weekend DSS was at our house. DH was working but me, DSS and DSs were at home. I was getting annoyed because step son was winding up his brothers, it was a silly disagreement but he just suddenly started saying he fucking hates me, I ruined his life, he will never accept me, and all this just completely out of the blue. Then he said that there are things I don't know about DH, that he is a liar and a cheat. Anyway it turns out that the time where DH was messing me around he was seeing his ex wife again (DSS mum). He says he was all excited as he thought his dad was coming home but then his dad left again and got back with me and that is why he refused to see him for so long. A big part of me felt absolutely terrible for DS :( I just somehow stayed calm and waited till later to confront DH.

DH's side of the story is that DSS mum wanted him back and said if he didn't come back he couldn't see DSS. So he pretended to his EXW that he was willing to get back with her and they were meeting up and going out as a family etc because he was so desperate to see DSS. He says he didn't sleep with her but I just think that must be bullshit. He says he only stayed one night which was Christmas eve as he wanted to see DSS open his presents. This actually tallies with what DSS said, that he slept over on that night. DH claims he slept on the sofa that night, what absolute clichéd bullshit Angry . He says it was true he couldn't be apart from me and he told EXW that he didn't want to come back and that he just wanted access to DSS and not see her in any way other than DSS mum. This explains why DSS was so angry with his dad and wouldn't meet me - I am the reason (in his eyes) that his mum and dad aren't together.

I don't know who or what to believe. If he had have been straight with me at the beginning about where he had been and why he was acting like such a dick head I would have been angry but I probably still would have taken him back! Its the lies that have just completely killed me. That in those few weeks he was texting me all the time and coming to fuck see me while secretly playing fucking happy families with his child and EXW who he had sworn he was over Angry

I told him to get out yesterday and go to his mums. I don't want to see him. I don't know who he is. TEN YEARS of so called happiness and I find this shit out.

OP posts:
Foldedtshirt · 13/03/2017 15:39

It was messy, it was 10 years ago, let it go.

NoLotteryWinYet · 13/03/2017 15:51

i find it hard to say how i'd feel - but surely your life together now has to count for more than some messing around at the start of your relationship? It must have taken a lot for him to leave his child. It sounds like he was in a very difficult situation and I can see DSS's point, perhaps he wouldn't have been strong enough to end it for good if he hadn't met you.

SandyY2K · 13/03/2017 15:52

I understand that you're very hurt, but I think his story is plausible. Some women are terrible with using the kids as a means of holding onto a man.

If it was all hunky dory, he wouldn't have come back to you.

I think you should try accepting this as an outcome of getting involved with a separating man and try and work through it all.

What he did back then, adds up to what he is saying now.

It won't harm for him to stay with his mum for a while though. He'll know you won't take any nonsense from him in the future.

You've got three kids to consider and I do think you need to bear in mind, that older brothers do wind up their younger ones, whether full or half siblings.... And his feelings about you were right in his mind.

I do hope he knows that you weren't an OW and his dad met you after he'd already left his wife.

I'm not minimising your pain at all and I can imagine it's devastating for you.

Original poster
IntoTheNightToSaveTheDay · 13/03/2017 16:20

I really, really feel for his EXW and DSS as well. EXW has remarried now but it must have been awful for her. And worse for DSS, his dad leaves, then comes back, then leaves again

Just absolute snake behaviour from H ...to me it seems he was only thinking of himself. I understand the threat of not seeing his son but why not just say, no EXW I am not coming back, but I want to see my son, so we will go to court (Like he did eventually anyway ffs)

I don't want to drip feed but at the time it made me ill, I ended up on antidepressants and quit my Uni course cos I was so messed up.

As for speaking to my MIL, maybe I shouldn't have but she phoned me cos apparently DH is in a state oh boo hoo and I just thought she should know what her precious son is capable of.

OP posts:
Foldedtshirt · 13/03/2017 16:27
Shock Give your head a wobble and behave with some dignity. It was 10 years ago and you weren't exactly covering yourself in glory either. It was messy, life is, now stop the drama and behave like an adult.
Original poster
IntoTheNightToSaveTheDay · 13/03/2017 16:44

Folded Tshirt: What exactly did I do? Other than get taken for a complete cunt Confused

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 13/03/2017 16:50

Folded

That was uncalled for.

OP, I'm sorry it made you ill and you quit Uni at the time.

Do you know what you'll do?

Is it too much for you to forgive?

Is the reason he left his wife relevant to his behaviour?

Thefitfatty · 13/03/2017 16:53

Dear lord. Are you still 24? You need to grow up. Never forget or forgive?! Life is not so black and white. Personally I think he did the right thing trying to make things work with his ex wife so early into the divorce. It's what a good father would do. You need to recognize that it really wasn't about you.

Peanutbutterrules · 13/03/2017 16:56

Wow OP. You have kids to think about too, and the impact on them. It was 10 years ago. Not great, but you seem to be 'throwing the baby out with the bathwater'. Your anger is extreme and your apparent hate for your DH screams out from every post.

Original poster
IntoTheNightToSaveTheDay · 13/03/2017 16:58

Wow OP. You have kids to think about too, and the impact on them. It was 10 years ago. Not great, but you seem to be 'throwing the baby out with the bathwater'. Your anger is extreme and your apparent hate for your DH screams out from every post

I don't hate him. I hate what he did. And I hate that I have spent ten years in what I thought was a brilliant relationship only to discover a giant whopping lie

OP posts:
JK1773 · 13/03/2017 17:06

I agree with the others. Your reaction is totally over the top. Be angry yes but you are throwing away a loving husband and a good father for a mistake he made 10 years ago. He was newly separated so it was complicated. And he had his child. He was being threatened with no contact and he must have believed she was capable of it, well she did it didn't she! Imagine for one second if someone told you that you could no longer see your children and you believed that threat wholeheartedly. How scared would you be? How desperate? It would be all consuming wouldn't it? Think about it? And through all that turmoil he chose YOU! And you are throwing 10 years of his love and support back in his face. Your venom makes it appear there must be another reason you are so angry with him. Sorry but it does

Peanutbutterrules · 13/03/2017 17:17

Your relationship isn't a lie, 10 years isn't wasted unless you decide it was. Fit is right. It wasn't about you.

housewifebynamenotnature · 13/03/2017 17:22

I don't think your reaction is completely over the top. If I were you, I wouldn't be annoyed at the actions 10 years ago, but of the deceit since. He's been living a lie, you may think you've been happily married but he's known what he did all along (his EXW too).

Counselling may help? Calm yourself down first though.

Original poster
IntoTheNightToSaveTheDay · 13/03/2017 17:29

It wasn't about you

To me it absolutely was

All that is going through my head is I was "better" , prettier, sexier, funnier, if he was happier with me (at the time, didn't think it was possible as we were so loved up or so I thought), he wouldn't have wanted to try out another option. I wasn't enough for him, he had to go give his XW a last go as well.

This is how I see it

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 13/03/2017 17:34

All that is going through my head is I was "better" , prettier, sexier, funnier,

Now this ^ is childish.

It's not and never was a competition. You're beginning to sound like an OW.

ExpatTrailingSpouse · 13/03/2017 17:40

SandyY2K - isn't that the point, that essentially he has now made her feel like the OW? (and in DSS' eyes, she is the OW).

OP - i feel you need to take time to process. if you've just found this out, of course your emotions are going to be all over the place. All these people telling you you're not allowed to feel this way is BS - you can't help how you feel just now, you're only human! Counselling may be the way to go to get a grip on your strong feelings and process them in a way that works for you.

228agreenend · 13/03/2017 17:50

Your relationship isn't a lie. You've had ten years of a good marriage. Don't throw it away.

Maybe dh really was playing 'happy families' to see his son. Doesn't mean he fancied his ex or slept with her. Maybe he really did sleep on the sofa!

I know you are reeling at the moment, but for once, the advice is NOT to LTB.

pigeondujour · 13/03/2017 17:55

I would be absolutely fuming too. I'd hate the thought of my fella behaving all loved up with me when he could have shagged his ex hours before.

Hacpac · 13/03/2017 17:57

In answer to your question, it is an emotional time and very stressful so sometimes things happen, but like I said he may have just slept on the couch and even if he didn't he won't tell you he did and you will never know anyway.

Only you can decide the future you want though. It's your life but I think it would be foolish to end a marriage over this.

0dfod · 13/03/2017 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
IntoTheNightToSaveTheDay · 13/03/2017 19:13

SandyY2k

Oh god mortified 😳 To be clear in my post you quoted I mistyped ...I meant to say "IF I had been prettier, sexier etc" not I WAS ...god that sounded awful!

OP posts:
Original poster
IntoTheNightToSaveTheDay · 13/03/2017 19:14

PIgeon du Jour

Precisely !!! This is why I'm so fucking mad 😷😡

OP posts:
Original poster
IntoTheNightToSaveTheDay · 13/03/2017 19:15

Sorry I will reply to others too ...I really appreciate the advice.

He's been texting and calling all day and I've ignored other than to request he stays away

OP posts:
Peanutbutterrules · 13/03/2017 19:19

It really doesn't sound like you want advice or to listen to lots of posters saying calm down.

I hope you get the solution you want (divorce I guess). Shame for your boys who have known nothing but a happy home to have it thrown out in the blink of an eye.

I'm out now.

Haffiana · 13/03/2017 19:36

OP, I know it feels beyond awful, but this is a disproportionate reaction. It really is. If your sense of your self can be so affected by this, then - irrespective of what happens to your relationship - I think you would really benefit from some outside help. From what you say this isn't the first time you have been disproportionately affected. Wouldn't you wish to be more secure in who you are? Wish to cope better? Counselling can really help.

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