WWYD?? Happy marriage+ just found out "DH" cheated at beginning of relationship.

[IntoTheNightToSaveTheDay]

I am floored. Been married 8 years, together 10. 3 little DS together, 2, 5, 8 plus a DSS, 22

Back story. Met DH a few months after he left his first marriage, His XW wanted him back but he didn't want to. I kept asking him if he was sure it was over as I didnt want to get in the way if there was a way back. But he was adamant it was over. I was 24 and a bit naïve tbh, At my age now I would have steered clear of a newly-ish separated man with a child

Things moved quickly and we were head over heels. He moved in with me after a month (I know it was too quick) we were talking marriage, children, neither of us felt like this before etc. He was seeing his DS (who was 12 at the time) fairly regularly too although things weren't good with his EXW she wasn't happy he had a new gf constantly cancelling access and messing DH about. I didn't meet DSS as wasn't appropriate.

Then 8 months in he walked out after a minor row. I went to work as just thought would blow over but when I came home all his stuff was gone and his key through the door and a note saying it was over. I was devastated, he wouldn't answer his phone or anything, I had no idea where he had gone. I rang his work and they said he had rang and quit that morning. I was so worried as was just totally out of character.

After a few days he got in touch and asked to see me. He said he had made a mistake but that the row had made him panic he would lose me and could we take it slowly and see each other again. He said he was staying with his brother. I hadn't even met his brother so just had to take his word for it. So he was texting me all the time and coming over most nights still staying over sometimes but going back to his brothers. I realise how mad all this sounds btw and how much of a twat I was for accepting this but I just wanted him so much. Pathetic ay. Anyway for about a month this shit behaviour continued until I had had enough, he was clearly messing me about and to just F off and leave me alone even though I was devastated.

A week or so later he got in touch again begging for one more chance, saying he couldn't stand to be apart from me, that it was killing him and he wanted to move back in once and for all and have a proper relationship again like before. Something made me take him back and it was just like it was in the first few months again, better if anything.

DSS wouldn't see him or speak to him for a whole year. DH ended up having to go to court to gain access etc again. It was v difficult at first and my step son wouldn't meet me at all until about 5 years ago. We get on great now and he adores his brothers. He lives away at Uni but often comes home to either his mums or our house. DH and I got married a couple of years after we got back together properly and have had our 3 boys and have been very very happy.

This weekend DSS was at our house. DH was working but me, DSS and DSs were at home. I was getting annoyed because step son was winding up his brothers, it was a silly disagreement but he just suddenly started saying he fucking hates me, I ruined his life, he will never accept me, and all this just completely out of the blue. Then he said that there are things I don't know about DH, that he is a liar and a cheat. Anyway it turns out that the time where DH was messing me around he was seeing his ex wife again (DSS mum). He says he was all excited as he thought his dad was coming home but then his dad left again and got back with me and that is why he refused to see him for so long. A big part of me felt absolutely terrible for DS :( I just somehow stayed calm and waited till later to confront DH.

DH's side of the story is that DSS mum wanted him back and said if he didn't come back he couldn't see DSS. So he pretended to his EXW that he was willing to get back with her and they were meeting up and going out as a family etc because he was so desperate to see DSS. He says he didn't sleep with her but I just think that must be bullshit. He says he only stayed one night which was Christmas eve as he wanted to see DSS open his presents. This actually tallies with what DSS said, that he slept over on that night. DH claims he slept on the sofa that night, what absolute clichéd bullshit . He says it was true he couldn't be apart from me and he told EXW that he didn't want to come back and that he just wanted access to DSS and not see her in any way other than DSS mum. This explains why DSS was so angry with his dad and wouldn't meet me - I am the reason (in his eyes) that his mum and dad aren't together.

I don't know who or what to believe. If he had have been straight with me at the beginning about where he had been and why he was acting like such a dick head I would have been angry but I probably still would have taken him back! Its the lies that have just completely killed me. That in those few weeks he was texting me all the time and coming to fuck see me while secretly playing fucking happy families with his child and EXW who he had sworn he was over

I told him to get out yesterday and go to his mums. I don't want to see him. I don't know who he is. TEN YEARS of so called happiness and I find this shit out.

I am sorry you went through similar MyHeart ....are you still with the person? Did you ever get over it? I just feel....how will I ever get over it? It wouldn't be fair to either of us to continue with the relationship when I am angry and mistrustful of him

However, he was with me at the time, we were together, or so I thought! We may not have been properly living together like before but as far as he had told me we were back together but "taking it slow" [angry

Now online looking at polygraph testing :(

You are massively over reacting IMO.

Imagine what you wouldn't do if you were forced to choose between a relationship or your child, imagine how desperate you would feel trying to maintain contact with your son?

He might have made mistakes, but it was 10 years ago, he's not been playing a double life all that time, he's been with you.

No, definitely don't ask his son. I'm a bit unclear in what respect your DSS thinks his dad is a cheater. Is it that he cheated on his mum or on you (with his mum). What's your understanding of that?

His son probably assumed his parents were back together because his dad played a convincing game, by 'acting' lovey dovey in his presence.

Polygraphs are not 100%, but if I hadn't done something, I'd be thinking of every way to prove it.

The length of time doesn't matter, it's about whether he actually had sex with her when he went back.

In situations like this, my question to your husband would be, "if the tables were turned, what could I possibly do to convince you I am telling the truth?"

And are you sure this reconciliation didn't actually happen while you split up, as opposed to when you got back with him?

Imagine what you wouldn't do if you were forced to choose between a relationship or your child, imagine how desperate you would feel trying to maintain contact with your son?

I do get what you are saying there Stole :( I would do any lengths to maintain a relationship with my DS's

If I could be 100% sure he was doing exactly what he says, which is pretending for the sake of his DS then I would understand. Yeah the deception wasn't great but it was a long while ago, his xw has moved on, he sees his son etc. But I cannot and will not forgive if there was anything more to it ie if he did actually want her back and / or was sleeping with her (even once). I know some posters might think its harsh but that would be it for me.

Imagine what you wouldn't do if you were forced to choose between a relationship or your child

But this was a 12 year old. He could have gone to pick him up from school. He could have communicated directly with his own mobile phone. This wasn't a child under 7 years old, who one actually could keep from the dad a lot easier.

If he handled it properly, it would have been a bit clearer to his son that his mum was stopping access.

Crucially in this case, the son stopped seeing his dad. This was his own decision and not down to his mum as far as the information shows.

12 year olds are not stupid. The father son relationship, could have survived without much intervention from his Ex.

I really do feel for his poor son though, because it seems to him like dad tossed one family aside, in favour of you and a new family. It's like being rejected /abandoned. To him, you were more important and more loved by his dad than he was. His deceit has caused a lot of damage, normally associated with a cheater, flip flopping between wife and the OW.

Your sons have their dad every day and he suffered massively as a result.

I think you are over-reacting. He missed his son not his ex. I have seen various examples of this among my friends- imagine you had to cut contact with your kids? If they had been married years I hardly think he went back for a quick shag, he went back for his son but realised it wasn't going to work because he was in love with you. It was a fairly new relationship and he didn't want to freak you out with his messy life. Please don't break up your family over this - try to see past it and focus on the 10 happy years that have followed.

I totally agree Sandy!! If he had behaved like a decent man and father he would not have gone back if he didn't want to, thus messing up his son and his EXW and taking me for a dick head. he simply would have found other ways to be in touch with his DS, going to court if necessary as he did in the end anyway FFS.

And I do also see your point Hot water and other posters who have made similar points. But if he was fucking her then it pissed over everything he had done and said in the first few months we were together and turned it into a lie as well as made a mockery of our marriage...ie it was all built on a lie. I could NEVER have walked down the aisle with DH knowing I had fucked someone else or at the very least had a massive secret like he did!!

He said that he didn't tell me when we got back together because he was scared of losing me. Again, all about him and his needs and wants.

But if he didn't fuck someone else - and there is really no evidence that he did - you are throwing away your DS's stable family life over something that didn't happen. Be careful - happiness is rarer than you would think.

OP you have every right to be angry , fucking incandescent. ..I would be without a doubt

But

Think on carefully.....I absolutely not justifying what he did
Real true lasting love is not what occurs in the first few months or even year ....I'm not belittling it but that's not really. ... (still requires faithful ness) the real bit genuine true love is the next ten years....the putting the bins out , the looking after the kids , the getting that you need a lie in when the baby has been up all night, letting you steal his socks because they are more comfy even though it drives him nuts, rolling your eyes at each other when his mother's beige a pain, accepting that you have an irrational fear of ...oh I don't know let's say pink feathers ....so he let's you stand behind him until feather is gone, knowing that he is a stup I'd man to get involved in the heated debate with the woman who just nicked your parking space because you can handle yourself but also standing just in view so you know he supports you, making sure your favourite pyjamas are clean because it's been a crap day and you need a bath then bed

That's love that's the real deal and all of that happened ....it does not and cannot get wiped out by the first few months

You're angry and your pride is hit by all means go ballistic , shout and react but ultimately rememberhe's still the man of the last ten years as well

One small window deserves absolutely for his ass to be handed to him but don't discount the next ten years

Blackme and white (if he slept with her it's dine) it's not real it's not a grown up relationship

Get angry get mad by all means then grow up and decide rationally what you want to do

But if he didn't fuck someone else - and there is really no evidence that he did - you are throwing away your DS's stable family life over something that didn't happen. Be careful - happiness is rarer than you would think

I just feel that if I stay with him I will always be wondering

Euripidesralph

That is exactly how our relationship is. He is my best friend we share similar interests and tastes, there is no one Iwould rather spend time with, no one makes me laugh like he does and vice versa etc plus we still fancy eachother and have good sex

I just feel he has pissed all over it ....Just out of interest why is it not grown up of me to not accept any sort of cheating? (Not having a go at all just trying to see another POV which is probably more rational cos I sure aint rational now!!)

Into I think the grown up comment is about accepting that with divorce and overlapping relationships, especially where children are concerned, things are complicated and messy.
You sound calmer- I'm glad you're considering not involving dss further.

I was cheated on and it's horrible, so I get the gnawing ache to just "know."

But I do think, like others, that you're putting way too much emphasis on something that may have, but way more likely than not didn't actually, happen. And I think it's down to pride, which you really (IMO) need to swallow here.

Asking him to take polygraphs, or making him swear on the blood of a virgin at full moon on a leap year (just about as reliable as the polygraph) is going to destroy your marriage anyway. You seem to have a very good relationship and family and, like pp, I think you'd regret throwing it away over this.

You really need to take a step back and breathe OP. I agree, this would be difficult to hear but it was 10 years ago. Mistakes were made and he could have handled things better but when children are involved it's not always so clear cut.

How could he have pissed all over something that was not even built at the time of the alleged event?

You're hurt but you need to calm down.

Imo you seem to be wielding your power axe around here - something you didn't bother doing all of those years ago when he was messing you around.

I think you are just angry at his son......and taking it out on the wrong people.

God you sound so screwed up. You really need to talk this through with a professional. Your poor stepson and children, they didn't ask for any of this.

I think you are framing this in very melodramatic terms. All about you. He had a wife and child, naturally it wasn't going to be easy. Yes he handled it badly but so did you, you totally enabled his deception. You were young. He was younger, emotionally immature - no one comes out of it well. But your reaction is very ott. I really think you need to get yourself together before you go making big decisions. If you carry on like this, he'll move out, meet someone else and the messing up will happen all over again...

I think the grown up comment is about accepting that with divorce and overlapping relationships, especially where children are concerned, things are complicated and messy.

This is very true. It's not as clear cut with a wife, child and recent break up.

Also bear in mind this was before you got married and like you said, with age and wisdom, you'd have likely done things differently.

I think we can all agree with that on lots of our own experiences.

you're an incredibly fiesty no nonsense person I must say.

You've gained a lot of strength from the young lady who had to drop out of Uni all those years ago, because of what happened.

That's not a bad thing (the fiestiness) BTW. You remind me of myself in that way.

Could you let it go, if you assumed it was a one time thing (taking the above into consideration) and move forward?

She will let it go but she is just punishing everyone else in the process!!!

punishing the SS if anything this will damage their relationship further!!

All those people who say that mumsnetters always scream LTB should be directed to this thread

If you had a shitty marriage then this would be a fantastic excuse to get a guilt free divorce and start again. But if he's been wonderful for ten years then relationships that good are like hens teeth.

QuiteLikely5

I don't think the OP is punishing anybody. She is in a rage and that is fine. I don't think anybody who is saying she should stay would not in her place also get really fucking mad. Course you would.

Oh OP - please calm down. As others have said, a relationship such as you describe is rare indeed. The man loved - loves - his DS. Inevitably he will have battled with his conscience and the profound desire to be with him. Surely, surely you would expect the same of him if you two ever went your separate ways? Or is it that you can't accept that there is another woman on this planet that he once loved as much as you? Your reaction suggests that you are still that young woman, frozen in aspic yet you are the DM of three DC - time to grow up and embrace what you have, rather than stamp your foot like some teenage princess.

Did you never wonder why dss wouldn't see his dad,that was obvious...he left his family for YOU....what do you want ,blood?..it was ten yrs ago...put aside yr feelings ,for once and try to help your step son who has kept all this bottled up.

I think most people leaving a marriage go through a period of confusion - particularly when there are children involved. You said yourself your relationship happened fast, I can understand your DH's temptation to go back to family life and in a way it's positive that he was willing to make definitely sure the marriage was over before dissolving it. However, he should have told you what happened. You said he left and packed his things so you had technically broken up but all the same he should have told you.

It's not worth throwing a 10 year marriage away for.