WWYD?? Happy marriage+ just found out "DH" cheated at beginning of relationship.

[IntoTheNightToSaveTheDay]

I am floored. Been married 8 years, together 10. 3 little DS together, 2, 5, 8 plus a DSS, 22

Back story. Met DH a few months after he left his first marriage, His XW wanted him back but he didn't want to. I kept asking him if he was sure it was over as I didnt want to get in the way if there was a way back. But he was adamant it was over. I was 24 and a bit naïve tbh, At my age now I would have steered clear of a newly-ish separated man with a child

Things moved quickly and we were head over heels. He moved in with me after a month (I know it was too quick) we were talking marriage, children, neither of us felt like this before etc. He was seeing his DS (who was 12 at the time) fairly regularly too although things weren't good with his EXW she wasn't happy he had a new gf constantly cancelling access and messing DH about. I didn't meet DSS as wasn't appropriate.

Then 8 months in he walked out after a minor row. I went to work as just thought would blow over but when I came home all his stuff was gone and his key through the door and a note saying it was over. I was devastated, he wouldn't answer his phone or anything, I had no idea where he had gone. I rang his work and they said he had rang and quit that morning. I was so worried as was just totally out of character.

After a few days he got in touch and asked to see me. He said he had made a mistake but that the row had made him panic he would lose me and could we take it slowly and see each other again. He said he was staying with his brother. I hadn't even met his brother so just had to take his word for it. So he was texting me all the time and coming over most nights still staying over sometimes but going back to his brothers. I realise how mad all this sounds btw and how much of a twat I was for accepting this but I just wanted him so much. Pathetic ay. Anyway for about a month this shit behaviour continued until I had had enough, he was clearly messing me about and to just F off and leave me alone even though I was devastated.

A week or so later he got in touch again begging for one more chance, saying he couldn't stand to be apart from me, that it was killing him and he wanted to move back in once and for all and have a proper relationship again like before. Something made me take him back and it was just like it was in the first few months again, better if anything.

DSS wouldn't see him or speak to him for a whole year. DH ended up having to go to court to gain access etc again. It was v difficult at first and my step son wouldn't meet me at all until about 5 years ago. We get on great now and he adores his brothers. He lives away at Uni but often comes home to either his mums or our house. DH and I got married a couple of years after we got back together properly and have had our 3 boys and have been very very happy.

This weekend DSS was at our house. DH was working but me, DSS and DSs were at home. I was getting annoyed because step son was winding up his brothers, it was a silly disagreement but he just suddenly started saying he fucking hates me, I ruined his life, he will never accept me, and all this just completely out of the blue. Then he said that there are things I don't know about DH, that he is a liar and a cheat. Anyway it turns out that the time where DH was messing me around he was seeing his ex wife again (DSS mum). He says he was all excited as he thought his dad was coming home but then his dad left again and got back with me and that is why he refused to see him for so long. A big part of me felt absolutely terrible for DS :( I just somehow stayed calm and waited till later to confront DH.

DH's side of the story is that DSS mum wanted him back and said if he didn't come back he couldn't see DSS. So he pretended to his EXW that he was willing to get back with her and they were meeting up and going out as a family etc because he was so desperate to see DSS. He says he didn't sleep with her but I just think that must be bullshit. He says he only stayed one night which was Christmas eve as he wanted to see DSS open his presents. This actually tallies with what DSS said, that he slept over on that night. DH claims he slept on the sofa that night, what absolute clichéd bullshit . He says it was true he couldn't be apart from me and he told EXW that he didn't want to come back and that he just wanted access to DSS and not see her in any way other than DSS mum. This explains why DSS was so angry with his dad and wouldn't meet me - I am the reason (in his eyes) that his mum and dad aren't together.

I don't know who or what to believe. If he had have been straight with me at the beginning about where he had been and why he was acting like such a dick head I would have been angry but I probably still would have taken him back! Its the lies that have just completely killed me. That in those few weeks he was texting me all the time and coming to fuck see me while secretly playing fucking happy families with his child and EXW who he had sworn he was over

I told him to get out yesterday and go to his mums. I don't want to see him. I don't know who he is. TEN YEARS of so called happiness and I find this shit out.

I like SandyY2K's suggestion about the way forward.

I have been in a similar situation to this and I can see that you're still at the 'furious' stage - which is exactly where I was for a while.

I think what helped me in the end was to look at what we had, and to realise that there was no way in the world I would give that up based on a mistake from so long ago. The thought of not being with him, and sharing my children based on something that happened so long ago, eventually made me put everything I could into leaving it in the past where it belongs.

I think your feelings are totally understandable and it seems to have made all of those jealous and insecure feelings that you dealt with at the time come back to the surface.

Just give yourself time. But as the anger subsides, try and focus on the amazing marriage you have. It sounds like you have such a good relationship in so many ways, and he is a fabulous Dad. This sounds to me like it really isn't worth giving up on.

It was naive at best to have him move in after a month so soon after he left his wife. Being 24 is no excuse!

Had he been honest with you at the time about having gone back to his W you probably would've ended it: he didn't give you that option and lied. He might well still be lying about the sex: suspect he is.

He also messed his DS around and put his DS in the position of having to lie to you, for years. I would find that hard to get over. Poor DSS.

That said, you have 3DC and as far as you know he's been faithful ever since, and you've been happy together, so perhaps with counselling you could move on.

I would feel exactly like OP does. He should have been honest from the start, or at least very soon afterwards. Of course he was confused and emotionally wrought, no excuse to keep it to himself for a decade. I would feel like my marriage was a lie too OP.

I do hope you can get it sorted though, that's a lot to throw away.

For you

The main people I feel sorry for in all this is your DSS and your children whose relationship with their brother could be sullied by their father's behaviour. Interesting that you and your DSS are as in close in age as you and your DH, and you and DSS are now very near to the age you and your DH were when you got together.Sounds like everyone needs individual, family and couples counselling as appropriate. I doubt whether you will ever really know whether DH had a overlapping sexual relationship with his wife (they were still married weren't they?) when he first got together with you; you seem fixated with this but really the fact the relationship led to you being clinically depressed and giving up your career I would consider worse.

OP, get off this thread and go to counseling. Some people here don't have good intentions: ideally they want to you to leave so that it proves their thesis that "men are all bad".

Normally posters don't seem that swayed so it's no big deal but you sound really confused. Don't let a bunch of strangers on a board destroy your life and your children's lives. Those amazing sweet children and your wonderful marriage. It's worth more than to be hurt by some man-hater with an axe to grind. Because in 10 years when you've thrown everything away for nothing, mumsnet probably won't even exist.

You have to understand: typically the line on mumsnet is overwhelmingly to "leave the bastard", especially around cheating. If this many people are defending him here, he MUST be a good husband. He must be. Because even a 70% split in favor of a husband on mumsnet generally means he's flawless. Again, these aren't mixed opinions, this is an overwhelmingly pro DH consensus. Please please please don't throw away your marriage over this.

H and I can talk and talk (and he's willing) but last night we just ended up going round in circles

Of course you did. Because you don't WANT to make any progress yet. The only ways out of this are forgiveness or separation, and you're not currently willing to countenance either of those. You need to accept those possibilities in order to have a discussion that goes somewhere.

By the way, pick forgiveness. Your happiness over the last ten years was real, and to deny it (or the happiness you could have over the next ten years) because of some bizarre idea that it was "built on a lie" is absolute lunacy.

Wow, where to start?
Have some compassion for the Exw. She has a 12 year old DS and her marriage is falling apart (against her wishes). Along trots a naive girl/woman only 12 years older than her son, and suddenly her DH is head over heels in love with the new woman. (Yes you ARE the OW even if unwittingly). Her DH ums and ahs and plays on her desperation to hang onto to her marriage and family. The son is caught in the middle seeing the pain his beloved mother is enduring. The pain is extended by the off/on/off months dragging it out. Hardly surprising if the DS then chooses not to see his Dad, the cause of such hurt to him and his mother. The man who has been promising it will work out but still runs off to the new woman, gets married and replaces him with a new set of DCs. Just Great.
He lied to his Son, his wife and you. Yep, he was confused and no doubt unhappy but he got what he wanted. You. And he didn't risk telling you the truth because HE made all the decisions, not you, not his wife or his Son.
So what do you do now you can see things more realistically? Does the DSS really want to break you up and see his half brothers endure the same pain he had? Possibly. Possibly not. He is 22 and his life is beginning to take him away from family life and onto new adventures. Does he want to punish his father? Yes probably at some level.
Once a mirror is broken, the glass can be repaired like a jigsaw but the cracks are always visible. You can have counselling, I'd recommend it certainly either way. You can work through this as clearly there has been more good than bad in this relationship. A lot of this is now your decision, making up for the uninformed decisions you made at 24. I don't know if it can work out but I think with a lot of honesty, talking (and emotional pain) you stand a good chance. You could also remember it's not just about you but also completely changes your DC's lives if you choose to walk away.
Take your time and try not to make a quick decision in high emotion. I think this needs a dispassionate level head. Good luck.

I just want to say thanks for the posts

I am reading.....I just don't know how to reply at the moment x

How are you holding up OP?

I can imagine there is much talking going on.

Xx

I would NOT throw away a happy marriage because of something that happened 10 years ago (as long as it never happened again).

Hi Cake, thanks for asking (and sorry haven't replied properly to the posts...I cant believe the support on here, I am quite new to the boards) ....I am not good if I am honest. I am trying to put on a "normal" front for he DCs, H is back now, I refuse to throw away my marriage over it but I am so angry and hurt. I have not been able to face work, I cant sleep or eat.

We have talked a lot and he is ADAMANT that he did not have any feelings left for XW other than anger as she was messing him around with contact. He says he felt a lot of jealousy in the first few months, he was head over heels with me but he felt like he was going mad, he convinced himself that I was "too good" for him and would soon meet someone else. He said he felt like a sad old man tagging along with me and my friends on nights out and stuff and he was worried everyone thought he was punching above his weight. Apparently a lot of his friends said that "jokingly" . (I feel silly saying all this as I am, and was, quite ordinary in my own eyes. ) And he said it just made him feel really insecure, he had never been with anyone where he felt so jealous. Also he said he was very stressed at the time because he started a new job just after we first got together (not at the same place we worked together) it was a complete career change (from warehouseman to prison officer) and he hated the job and the hours so basically everything in his life including me was stressing him out. But he says despite the insecurity and jealousy he knew he was in love with me. I knew some of this to a certain extent anyway as he admitted some of it when we got back together but didn't know how much it affected him.

He keeps saying how much he loves me and the boys and that he cant bear the idea of being apart from us. He has lost weight and so have I , I cant sleep or eat :(

I don't really know what else to say.

Really sad you are both suffering so much over this but at the same time it shows how much you both want your relationship to work.

Have you thought about seeing a counsellor together?

Hi op. You sound very young still. I had a similar dramatic and passionate mentality when i was younger but I'm more realistic now.

Basically your dh got married too young or the relationship ran its course. He decided to end it. He then started a relationship with you but it was too early and he must have felt conflicting loyalties to his child and maybe even xw. He decided to give it another try or at least split up with you to get his head clear but actually realised that he was in love with you and only you.

Since then he has been an amazing husband and father and you have a wonderful family. This, if you've hung around mumsnet for a while, is quite rare and not to be thrown away over some mills&boon idea of romance.

Please realise what you have and realise that you BOTH made a mistake by getting together whilst he was still in the midst of separating but now you both know better and have had a wonderful relationship since. Honestly I've been in 3 long term relationships and things are never 100% easy and romantic and rosy. You've got a great family, loving husband and dad, your husband is your best friend, you have great sex etc. Value that and forget about what might or might not have happened a decade ago at a time when things were messy and your husband was facing the decision of not seeing his child.

Bad Taste - unfortunately counselling probably isn't an option. We have looked into it and cant afford it, even at the slightly reduced rates that Relate offer for lower earners, and also have very limited childcare to actually attend sessions if we could.

Cirichan, I am not young, I am 34 but thanks for the kind words

I'm truly sorry you are hurting.

I can sympathise with his angst at the time, especially as it involves his child. But I also sympathise with you, who suffered through no fault of your own. And continue to suffer now.

May I ask - How is his son handling the fallout? Is he ok?

Thanks Cake

His son is fine. He apologised to me via text a couple of days later for having such a go at me. He doesn't know I chucked DH out (he went back to his mums before I even spoke to DH about the revelations then went back to uni) And I don't want him to know, I don't think there's any need. I also don't want it getting back to his XW because she would absolutely love it 😡

Things aren't good

I am not coping. it is ten years to the day all this shit happened

What has been happening since you last posted?

OP: I just read the whole thread before i read the update. What struck me is that this was so long ago but you have the bit between your teeth, punishing him for it. I left a relationship recently, a long term one that was emotionally abusive. Sometimes its hard to untangle yourself. His excuses sound plausible. His son was young at the time and you cannot blame him for saying something about you ruining his life. It was cruel of his parents to allow him to think he was coming back. On xmas eve i will be staying at my ex's so we can all have xmas morning together. I will sleep in the spare room, I have no feelings towards him. My new guy knows, he is cool about it because he trusts me. And he knows and understands my circumstances.

What has been going on since? Are you still not letting go of the past?

OP - just read your thread and and the only thing I can say - you need to find some help.

I don’t think you can get trough any of this on your own.
You have so, so many old hurts and insecurities. And I think they all caught up with you and exploded - that 10yo story is just a catalyst.

If I were you i’d go and talk to your GP and see if you can get counselling. And possibly antidepressants, etc.

Please - OP - do look for help. You have kids that need you and your reaction to this all is not normal.
And I say that as a person who’s been depressed, and anxious, and unreasonable myself.
It’s hard to see/realise it all as you are spinning out of control.

Pudding, this is not about the husband spending Xmas eve at his ex’s house. He was back together with her, convincing her they would try again, all whilst telling OP he loved her and they would take it slow so he didn’t have to move back in.

It’s very nice your new guy is cool about you staying at your ex’s house. Would he be cool about you pretending to want to be with him? Don’t think so.

OP for me it wouldn’t matter if he slept with her or not, it would still be cheating and would totally change how I viewed my husband. He’s lied to everyone at the time including his son and then lied to you for the next ten years. I’m sorry to hear you’re not doing well, where are you at now?

I remember you. I knie it's hurtful... but it's a long time ago and he gave a good explanation for what happened.

He really wanted to see his son. He sounds like a good guy.... his head was all messed up and he even quit his job during his confusion back then.

He left his wife and you have had s great life since then.

Have you considered having individual counselling? There are some low cost services and it doesn't need to be Relate... just someone to talk through it all with.

What is It that your struggling with and how have things been since March?

Have you discussed it again?

Does he understand your feelings? is he patient with you?

Is it a particularly bad day OP, or is it generally bad?

Jammydodger: The xmas eve reference was just suggesting it can be innocent. I didn't read that he was pretending to be back together with his wife at all (although OPs DH said that), I read he was spending time with her, in order to see he son while he was slowly trying to remove himself from the relationship and he spent one night, xmas eve at the house. OPs' husband claims nothing happened. What i was trying to suggest is it isn't always black and white when dealing with a separation, new relationship and kids. Maybe 10 years ago, his head was a mess, maybe he didn't quite know where to be. That is life isn't it? Even if that is the case, he chose to be with OP, they went on to have children and get married. People do things, at times that seem the right thing to do, but with hindsight and maturity, you get a different perspective. I also think his son might have a different perspective as a small child, thinking his parents were getting back together, in his head maybe that is what it looked like.

I have never suggested to my ex I would go back, and we would never use the kids as weapons. His ex wife was doing that, he sounded desperate. They have three more children in the mix now and 10 years of a great relationship. OP needs to decide whether to let things go knowing she may not ever know the whole truth, or decide she can't and move on, on the basis she feels she was messed about at the begining of a new relationship, with a man newly separated.

I think the fact she posted on it being "10 years to the day",means she cannot let it go.

OP: how have things been since you posted?

Sorry if I misunderstood the thread, but that is what the bones seem to be to me. OPs DH was trying to untangle himself, ex wife probably being quite controlling with his son, he felt a bit insecure in his new relationship, felt all over the place and maybe the loss of his family at this time played hard in his head,he might have pretended to his ex wife their was a chance of getting back together out of desperation to see his son. Maybe there was more to it, maybe. All OP has got is his word/ trust, and its that she seems to be having an issue with.

OP what were your past relationships like, your family like when you were growing up?

I ask because I'm another one here who finds your whole reaction and tone completely OTT and melodramatic.

It also sounds like you have a bit of a victim mentality - who drops out of uni because their boyfriend hasnt called them back?

You keep referring back to your young age when you werent actually that young at all at 24.

You chose a man 12 years older than you - why?

Who was actually still a married man - why?

The competition element bothered you, you pitted against his ex makes you fly into a rage about a competition. You mention all the other women at work fancied him.

Sounds like you have daddy issues or at the very least massive insecurity issues.

You wanted to "win" the much older married man who everyone else wanted to repair some deep wound. Now it would appear it wasn't that clear cut after all.

Lots of relationships are messy in the early days.

Stop getting your self worth from outside yourself.

Get over yourself - and get some therapy.

Good luck.