WWYD?? Happy marriage+ just found out "DH" cheated at beginning of relationship.

[IntoTheNightToSaveTheDay]

I am floored. Been married 8 years, together 10. 3 little DS together, 2, 5, 8 plus a DSS, 22

Back story. Met DH a few months after he left his first marriage, His XW wanted him back but he didn't want to. I kept asking him if he was sure it was over as I didnt want to get in the way if there was a way back. But he was adamant it was over. I was 24 and a bit naïve tbh, At my age now I would have steered clear of a newly-ish separated man with a child

Things moved quickly and we were head over heels. He moved in with me after a month (I know it was too quick) we were talking marriage, children, neither of us felt like this before etc. He was seeing his DS (who was 12 at the time) fairly regularly too although things weren't good with his EXW she wasn't happy he had a new gf constantly cancelling access and messing DH about. I didn't meet DSS as wasn't appropriate.

Then 8 months in he walked out after a minor row. I went to work as just thought would blow over but when I came home all his stuff was gone and his key through the door and a note saying it was over. I was devastated, he wouldn't answer his phone or anything, I had no idea where he had gone. I rang his work and they said he had rang and quit that morning. I was so worried as was just totally out of character.

After a few days he got in touch and asked to see me. He said he had made a mistake but that the row had made him panic he would lose me and could we take it slowly and see each other again. He said he was staying with his brother. I hadn't even met his brother so just had to take his word for it. So he was texting me all the time and coming over most nights still staying over sometimes but going back to his brothers. I realise how mad all this sounds btw and how much of a twat I was for accepting this but I just wanted him so much. Pathetic ay. Anyway for about a month this shit behaviour continued until I had had enough, he was clearly messing me about and to just F off and leave me alone even though I was devastated.

A week or so later he got in touch again begging for one more chance, saying he couldn't stand to be apart from me, that it was killing him and he wanted to move back in once and for all and have a proper relationship again like before. Something made me take him back and it was just like it was in the first few months again, better if anything.

DSS wouldn't see him or speak to him for a whole year. DH ended up having to go to court to gain access etc again. It was v difficult at first and my step son wouldn't meet me at all until about 5 years ago. We get on great now and he adores his brothers. He lives away at Uni but often comes home to either his mums or our house. DH and I got married a couple of years after we got back together properly and have had our 3 boys and have been very very happy.

This weekend DSS was at our house. DH was working but me, DSS and DSs were at home. I was getting annoyed because step son was winding up his brothers, it was a silly disagreement but he just suddenly started saying he fucking hates me, I ruined his life, he will never accept me, and all this just completely out of the blue. Then he said that there are things I don't know about DH, that he is a liar and a cheat. Anyway it turns out that the time where DH was messing me around he was seeing his ex wife again (DSS mum). He says he was all excited as he thought his dad was coming home but then his dad left again and got back with me and that is why he refused to see him for so long. A big part of me felt absolutely terrible for DS :( I just somehow stayed calm and waited till later to confront DH.

DH's side of the story is that DSS mum wanted him back and said if he didn't come back he couldn't see DSS. So he pretended to his EXW that he was willing to get back with her and they were meeting up and going out as a family etc because he was so desperate to see DSS. He says he didn't sleep with her but I just think that must be bullshit. He says he only stayed one night which was Christmas eve as he wanted to see DSS open his presents. This actually tallies with what DSS said, that he slept over on that night. DH claims he slept on the sofa that night, what absolute clichéd bullshit . He says it was true he couldn't be apart from me and he told EXW that he didn't want to come back and that he just wanted access to DSS and not see her in any way other than DSS mum. This explains why DSS was so angry with his dad and wouldn't meet me - I am the reason (in his eyes) that his mum and dad aren't together.

I don't know who or what to believe. If he had have been straight with me at the beginning about where he had been and why he was acting like such a dick head I would have been angry but I probably still would have taken him back! Its the lies that have just completely killed me. That in those few weeks he was texting me all the time and coming to fuck see me while secretly playing fucking happy families with his child and EXW who he had sworn he was over

I told him to get out yesterday and go to his mums. I don't want to see him. I don't know who he is. TEN YEARS of so called happiness and I find this shit out.

From the depth and intensity it doesnt sound to me like this is about back then really.

This has been an old wound that has reopened for you. Something about not feeling good enough, worth enough, something that pre dates meeting your husband. What is that event or experience? Think about it.

It’s just all so shit 😓

The last few months have been ok but it’s all coming flooding back atm

I can forgive the pretending to his ex out of sheer desperation that he’d go back (although it was shit of him). I’m a parent I know I’d walk on broken glass to get to my boys

It’s if he slept with her ....I just can’t get over that

And I know it’s pathetic of me to know the date but also it’s not hard to as it all culminated at Xmas so I just think this time of year will be painful every year for me

I don’t want to do our Xmas eve tradition of a big buffet and Xmas film and late bedtime for the dcs knowing that that time ten years ago he was all fucking cosy with his ex while I was alone wondering where the fuck he was

OP - do you realise how you sound?
Really. Get help.

You have children. I assume, like all children they are looking forward to the their family tradition on that magical day that is Xmas for the little kiddies.
Yet - you - in your total obsession with something that happened BEFORE these kids came to existence - you want to cancel Xmas????

And because - their father was doing what a good father would do - trying to be around his first kid?

Really - you are in some self-destructive bubble. Like people who cut themselves (or hurt themselves otherwise) - you keep doing it to yourself. Keep hurting yourself.
You need to stop.
But I don’t think you can do it on your own.

Op have you spoken to anyone about this for support ? Friends or family ? I think it would be worth seeing GP for some help where i live you can self refer to talking therapies and the sessions are free would you consider that just for you? I think at 24 and without your own children you didnt really understand how Ex wife or SS would feel i also think he probably made you feel very special. You are the best relationship, he thought you where too good for him ect i can imagine it would make you feel amazing and maybe it feels like that bubble has burst ? I also imagine you may feel a bit like he isnt 100% who you thought he was but you got together with a seperated man with a child and it moved very quickly and really he probably wasnt in the best state of mind. Yes he should have probably cooled it with you and explained he needed some time to sort out divorce and child contact ect but he didnt a d if you have really had 10 amazing years i think you have to either find a way to to terms with it or if you really cant do that and i dont think its right for anyone to judge this then you seperate. The only 2 people who will ever really know are your husband and his ex. No one else was present do you believe your husband when he says nothing happened or do you think hes lying ?

One more thing i got with my husband at 19 and was very imature really. He was my first real serious relationship and id had a few crap experiences with men previously but now im 32 and i look back he did mess me around at times not with women but going out with his mates and turning phone off, staying out till next afternoon, saying he would meet me at his mams after work i got their and he wasnt in had gone out, saying would meet me fro. Work and not being their and ignoring phone ect. Lots of my friends boyfriends did this at the time and it wasnt a deal breaker to me then but when i look back at it im actually annoyed at myself that i put up with it it was shitty behaviour and im annoyed i let him get away with it. I wouldnt now. Do you think its also brought up feeling that he hurt, let you down and also you are annoyed you let him do it ?

OP - I don't think any of this is to do with what you think did or didn't happen at Christmas time all those years ago.

Is there something else or other things that have also affected you from the past? You have reacted really strongly [which is not wrong by the way - feelings are feelings however strong they are - its what you do about them that counts.] over your DH disappointing you.

Perhaps look at all the other areas of your life where you have been disappointed [your nursing course for one] and see if your feelings are being enflamed by the past.

Is it more to do with the idea that you sacrificed your life for this man only for him to turn out to be not worthy?
[I don't think this is true btw - I'm just trying to help work out your thought process.]

Oh dear.

I think you need to find a way to afford counselling. You have to. You can't carry on like this.

Agree you have to either let it go or how go - counselling will help

I wonder if the issue is that it has destroyed your rhetoric of how you met and in effect turns you into the other woman. Your stepsons view as well must have rocked this foundation as well

You speak of the start of your relationship as if it's a fairytale and it's that has been destroyed

You accept that if you were in his situation, you would have done anything if it meant you could see your dc

He says he didn’t sleep with her.
His son says he slept in the sofa.

You have to believe him for the sake of your marriage and your family.

Get some counselling, just for yourself.

It’s such a shame to throw all this away.

Also you said you moved in together after a month.

I expect you can see now that that was absolutely stupid thing to do with someone who’s just come out of a long marriage. The fact he did this must have impacted in his ExW not wanting to give him access to his son. (Which she shouldn’t have done, but she did)
If you hadn’t moved in together so soon, none of this would have happened anyway!

You both made huge mistakes!

It sounds like you haven’t moved on at all in 8 months OP.

What a waste.

I agree with others who have suggested you get help with this.

You have to let this go or end your marriage. It really is that straightforward.

It’s toxic to carry on as you are.

Along with many other pp, I think your reaction, while understandable, is really disproportionate. I also think you run the risk now of totally alienating your DH.

So, ask yourself, what happens in a few weeks/months when you decide you actually can forgive your DH and want him back, and he turns arounds and says sorry, but he's moved on and it's no longer your choice, he's had enough and the marriage is over.

Will you want him then? Regret your actions? Think hard before you a)ruin Christmas for 3 small children and b) possibly change the course of your and their lives forever.

OP, I'm not a blunt person, but I am going to be here. You need to stop. Now. You are contemplating throwing away your marriage, and your DC's happy life over something that you don't even know happened. You have no proof that your DH slept with his ExW. You have ample proof that he loves you and your children over the last 10 years. You can carry on as you are now and have years of bitterness and recrimination and all the consequences that will bring for everybody, or you can stop, forgive him, and rebuild your family. I am not saying that is easy to do, but, you need to ask yourself where you want to be in 20 years time? Do you want to be the next ExW? Or do you want to have worked through this and be stronger than ever? This is not a small and simple thing, it's HUGE, and both you and your children will live with the consequences of your decision for the rest of your lives. You need to calm down and think about that rationally. You owe it to yourself and your children.

And, as the poster above said, if you do not stop and give both yourself and your DH space to be without all the anger, the decision may ultimately be taken out of your hands, even if you actually decide you want to continue with the marriage. That would be an absolute tragedy for you all. I respectfully suggest that as a start you put your feelings aside and you do the buffet and film as usual, for the sake of your DC if nothing else, but hopefully as a start to some softening and restoration.

As I see it, you have three options;

• Believe him and take him back
• Don't believe him, accept your thoughts of the worst case scenario and take him back.
• LTB

I've done number two. It's possible, but not easy (similar circumstances that it was one fuck up right at the start, but it took me a bit less than ten years to find out)

Complete and utter OVER REACTION. And, I think you've got a bit of a cheek actually. You were the significantly younger OW. His ExW must have been utterly devastated at the time. Her head will have been all over the place, and she used her son as a pawn. Your DH was in an impossible situation.

Try to imagine for one minute, being in your DH situation yourself. Let's imagine that your DH would have custody of your 3 boys, in the event of a split. You've had a few dates with another man and suddenly your DH says if you progress with your new man, he will not allow you to see your boys. Are you honestly saying, that you would just trot off with new man, and not consider for a moment what the hell to do, and whether you might need to make a go of it with DH, so that you don't lose your boys? Really? REALLY?

And, at the end of the day he chose you, and actually lost precious time with his son when his ExW cut contact. And even then, he STILL stayed with you.

I'd actually be raging if I was him. All that sacrifice to be with you, and you can't even see it.

If you don't snap out of this soon, I think he might make the decision for you and leave. You are being SO unreasonable.

Why don't you try on my situation for size? I found out that my "D"H had been fucking other women throughout our entire relationship of 20 years. He slept with my best friend/work colleagues/strangers in bars. That's why he is an ExH now.

Please, please get this in proportion and let it go.

It’s if he slept with her ....I just can’t get over that

Id put money on it that he was sleeping with both of you the whole time until he decided which one of you he wanted back then. He wont be the first or last guy that did it.

He chose you and you won your prize. He is still with you. I agree if you dont stop he may leave.

I have to say that my ex did the same. We weren't married to anyone, just partners. He met someone else, lied about it. He certainly lied to me, not sure if he lied to her or not because they started off as friends so she may have known about me.

We were still very much sleeping together and a couple when they started dating and his parents had invited me for Christmas so his family didnt know about her. Im pretty sure she doesnt know though we still a couple when they were dating.

They are married now.

I have to say the fact she may lose it if she ever finds out the truth fills me with glee.

Ok taking his pow, his son is his baby! Playing family does not mean having sex, and even if it did happen you were not together at the time. Despite his wishes to be with his son, he was not able to be with exw. He chose you above her who was the mother of his child. You have had many happy and good years together, what He was going through back then must have been hell for him but you are the one he wants to live with and he came back to you. There is a lot of people that have been in his shoes and yours, I think you need to show more consideration towards the difficult situation he was in and why he did what he did. I do actually believe he didn't sleep with her, him coming to you can actually back that up. Not all men are dogs.

My relationship had a very similar start to yours we've also been together ten years happily married for seven he behaved in a very similar manner and i chose to forgive all the crap let him work it out and do whatever he needed to do to see his dc. I doubt very much that your dh did anything other than sleep on the sofa so stop harping on about ten years ago and sort things out now. Your dh needs a frank open talk with his son and you need to decide if you want a happy marriage or a bitter jealous recrimination filled hate fest.

I am with you OP. From the sound of it this guy has been playing you, his DS and his EXW for fools these past 10 years. Also he is quite melodramatic with this "not seeing you is killing him". Sounds like there was a bit of love-bombing going on in the beginning too.

He has also never come clean, despite screwing up so much. I can fully understand if this was the last straw. For me the last straw would have been him ghosting the first time, but I am a very unforgiving person.

Also

You need to decide now if you want to stick with this marriage or not.

Please do not cancel your children's Christmas, it isn't fair

You also need to speak to a GP and get a referral, this isn't healthy for anybody

I’m just quickly replying to say thank you for the comments even (or especially) the harsh ones

I think you’re right the ones who have said I need to get the fuck over it. I’ve had ten years of an absolutely lovely marriage and I’ve had no reason to distrust him.

I’ll come back and reply properly in a bit

Honey.

You need to get some help, you know this. :) Counseling is cheaper than divorce, honestly.

Just thinking about all the posts on here.

A pp mentioned “Love bombing?” What is that please ?

I also agree that this has changed my “rhetoric” / “story” of how we got together. Prior to this, minus the brief wobble, I felt like it was a fairy tale relationship 😳 (I do cringe writing this) . All our friends think we’re the “perfect couple”. I could never tell anyone about this. I mean at the time my friends thought I was mad to keep on giving him chances after he started to mess me about.

I did, and do, if I’m honest have jealousy toward his ex. She was the “first” for him for almost everything, first wedding, Mum of his first baby, first one he proposed to, bought first house, etc. I know it’s completely irrational so I do keep this to myself. 😳😳

And Cheerful (and others) I do know this. I promise I will look into it