WWYD?? Happy marriage+ just found out "DH" cheated at beginning of relationship.

[IntoTheNightToSaveTheDay]

I am floored. Been married 8 years, together 10. 3 little DS together, 2, 5, 8 plus a DSS, 22

Back story. Met DH a few months after he left his first marriage, His XW wanted him back but he didn't want to. I kept asking him if he was sure it was over as I didnt want to get in the way if there was a way back. But he was adamant it was over. I was 24 and a bit naïve tbh, At my age now I would have steered clear of a newly-ish separated man with a child

Things moved quickly and we were head over heels. He moved in with me after a month (I know it was too quick) we were talking marriage, children, neither of us felt like this before etc. He was seeing his DS (who was 12 at the time) fairly regularly too although things weren't good with his EXW she wasn't happy he had a new gf constantly cancelling access and messing DH about. I didn't meet DSS as wasn't appropriate.

Then 8 months in he walked out after a minor row. I went to work as just thought would blow over but when I came home all his stuff was gone and his key through the door and a note saying it was over. I was devastated, he wouldn't answer his phone or anything, I had no idea where he had gone. I rang his work and they said he had rang and quit that morning. I was so worried as was just totally out of character.

After a few days he got in touch and asked to see me. He said he had made a mistake but that the row had made him panic he would lose me and could we take it slowly and see each other again. He said he was staying with his brother. I hadn't even met his brother so just had to take his word for it. So he was texting me all the time and coming over most nights still staying over sometimes but going back to his brothers. I realise how mad all this sounds btw and how much of a twat I was for accepting this but I just wanted him so much. Pathetic ay. Anyway for about a month this shit behaviour continued until I had had enough, he was clearly messing me about and to just F off and leave me alone even though I was devastated.

A week or so later he got in touch again begging for one more chance, saying he couldn't stand to be apart from me, that it was killing him and he wanted to move back in once and for all and have a proper relationship again like before. Something made me take him back and it was just like it was in the first few months again, better if anything.

DSS wouldn't see him or speak to him for a whole year. DH ended up having to go to court to gain access etc again. It was v difficult at first and my step son wouldn't meet me at all until about 5 years ago. We get on great now and he adores his brothers. He lives away at Uni but often comes home to either his mums or our house. DH and I got married a couple of years after we got back together properly and have had our 3 boys and have been very very happy.

This weekend DSS was at our house. DH was working but me, DSS and DSs were at home. I was getting annoyed because step son was winding up his brothers, it was a silly disagreement but he just suddenly started saying he fucking hates me, I ruined his life, he will never accept me, and all this just completely out of the blue. Then he said that there are things I don't know about DH, that he is a liar and a cheat. Anyway it turns out that the time where DH was messing me around he was seeing his ex wife again (DSS mum). He says he was all excited as he thought his dad was coming home but then his dad left again and got back with me and that is why he refused to see him for so long. A big part of me felt absolutely terrible for DS :( I just somehow stayed calm and waited till later to confront DH.

DH's side of the story is that DSS mum wanted him back and said if he didn't come back he couldn't see DSS. So he pretended to his EXW that he was willing to get back with her and they were meeting up and going out as a family etc because he was so desperate to see DSS. He says he didn't sleep with her but I just think that must be bullshit. He says he only stayed one night which was Christmas eve as he wanted to see DSS open his presents. This actually tallies with what DSS said, that he slept over on that night. DH claims he slept on the sofa that night, what absolute clichéd bullshit . He says it was true he couldn't be apart from me and he told EXW that he didn't want to come back and that he just wanted access to DSS and not see her in any way other than DSS mum. This explains why DSS was so angry with his dad and wouldn't meet me - I am the reason (in his eyes) that his mum and dad aren't together.

I don't know who or what to believe. If he had have been straight with me at the beginning about where he had been and why he was acting like such a dick head I would have been angry but I probably still would have taken him back! Its the lies that have just completely killed me. That in those few weeks he was texting me all the time and coming to fuck see me while secretly playing fucking happy families with his child and EXW who he had sworn he was over

I told him to get out yesterday and go to his mums. I don't want to see him. I don't know who he is. TEN YEARS of so called happiness and I find this shit out.

He did a stupid thing for the love of his son. Maybe he would be better off away from you if you can't see that and plan to punish him for it.

I 100% wouldn't end my marriage over it. I definitely would be fuming though.

I'd be absolutely livid!

Regardless of the time passed, he lied to you.

It's very fresh and very raw for you right now OP.

Unfortunately you will never know the truth.

Give yourself time to absorb this information. Look after yourself and your DC for now.

You don't have to make any decision now. You can take as long as you need.

If your H is the decent man the last 10 years have suggested to you he will give you all the time you need to work through this.

SandyY2k

Oh god mortified 😳 To be clear in my post you quoted I mistyped ...I meant to say "IF I had been prettier, sexier etc" not I WAS ...god that sounded awful

Aaahh. One little word changes it. I'm with you now. ☺️

It wasn't about his Ex, it was about seeing his son, but he should have been honest with you and not messed you around. It was exceedingly deceitful of him, so your current feelings are absolutely valid.

If I were you, I'd have him explain to his son, in front of you, that you were not the OW and you were not responsible for his parents break up and he can explain to his son how he lied to you about staying with his brother and all his other lies and what impact that had on you.

I would not have his son thinking I came along and had an affair with his dad.

To be clear he did stay with his brother. He only stayed at his XW's that one night according to DSS

What I mean was (at the time) I didn't know his brother or where he lived, so I didn't know where he was or if he was lying about his whereabouts

Still doesnt mean he wasn't able to fuck his ex just cos he wasn't actually living there 😡

Ffs. I just don't know what I'm feeling at the moment I'm all over the place that's why I don't want to see H

I also totally agree he should be clear to his son about the reasons he left etc and how I wasn't the OW

Bloody hell OP, do you really have no empathy? Imagine being in a situation where you are madly in love with someone and you are told that being with them will mean losing your children. Would you not have even a tiny wobble?

I would. In fact I would stay and fake everything I had to until I had a cast iron guarantee that being where I wanted would not cost me my relationship with my children.

The fact that your dh cared so much about his relationship with his ds says good, not bad things about him. I personally wouldn't actually want to be with a man who was able to say 'ah, fuck it' about access to his dc in order to be with me.

liarra That is the version I really WANT to believe and basically what H is telling me

However the version that my head is creating isn't that 😰

He could have told the OP that though. Even if he didn't shag her, he lied, a lot, to a girlfriend of a year with whom he lived, and he behaved in such a way that he left his son feeling confused and in pain about it ten years on. If he did shag her, he also probably caused considerable confusion and pain to his son's mother. And he's kept it from his wife ever since. Not cool.

Just give yourself some time op. You already sound a little bit calmer than you did earlier.

You don't have to see him or speak to him until you're ready.

No offence op but you cannot understand the emotions involved in ending a marriage - the thing you have known for a long time and then to hop into a relationship with someone else

He was obviously confused about things and wondering whether he was doing the right thing - this was his son - his child - trust me you aren't always thinking straight when a long marriage comes to an end.

I can see why you're hurt and of course the son blames you - in his eyes you will always hold a degree of accountability-

I don't think you should punish everyone for this mistake. He's only human, it was a long time ago and you have said yourself he's been perfect ever since

It might have happened ten years ago, but he is still lying TODAY.

Slept on the couch? As if.

Your only hope is for him to come clean, 100%, right now. A wobble ten years ago, fair enough. Lying to your face today, not acceptable.

Well I haven't slept all night Just lay awake veering between anger and sheer despair

The boys are asking where Daddy is and I've told them he's had to go and work away for a while. (I'm sure the older one at least will see through this as H doesn't go away with work)

So many of you think that he would have fucked his ex. I can actually get past the lies etc as it was so long ago but couldn't get past physical cheating but I will never know the truth.

Stoic- it is possible for a man to go to a house without getting his cock out you know! I slept on my ex couch one Xmas eve when we had split up and the woman I was with at the time had her ex husband on her couch. Sometimes you have to believe what you are being told because it actually might be true!

As you will never know the full truth though I see no point in going down that route because if he knows that would be a deal breaker, he isn't going to tell you even if he did.

When I read this bit again, it really was awfully deceitful of him.

So he pretended to his EXW that he was willing to get back with her and they were meeting up and going out as a family etc

But I've never been in a position where access to my children was threatened and I'd possibly do the same.

Though at 12 years old, your DSs was old enough for your DH to speak to directly and tell him that he and his mum weren't together and me could keep a relationship with him.

His Ex didn't stop access, his son decided not to see him of his own accord.

On reflection, he might have decided to give it another try with her, but he wasn't feeling it. And he could have done what many other men do and just say he wasn't seeing anyone to her but he didn't want to get back with her.

How old was he at the time?

Yep see that's just it Hacpac
....he knows it would be a deal breaker so he won't admit it if he did and I don't believe he didn't so neither of us can win

Sandy he was 36 when this all happened. So not exactly young!!

And his XW thought he was single so she was obviously unaware he was fucking with someone while supposedly getting back with her

I stayed in the FMH for several months whilst waiting to find somewhere suitable to rent, and didn't sleep with my exW once. I had no desire to and still don't. As others have said, it's perfectly possible to be in the same house as your ex, yes even overnight, and not sleep together and blackmail (which is effectively what he was facing) is a bloody good passion killer. I suspect he loathed her for putting him in that position and fucking her would have been the last thing on his mind.

I've been there with loss of contact, and live with the consequences of seeing my kids for a fraction of the time I used to because of my exes decisions. It is a deeply horrible, soul destroying experience, which is why a proportion of ex partners happily use it to cause pain and to try and ensure compliance.

Despite the very real threat, he still couldn't walk away from you. It would have been by far the easier course for him to allow his ex to dictate his relationships and I'm sure she was pushing very hard for him to stay single and he resisted that. If he had that strength of mind and character then I very much doubt he shagged her.

Peter I am sorry you have been through loss of contact too and I hope you see them lots now x

TBH I know its not going to be a popular view on here, but IMO a lot of women do use their DC as a weapon, I have seen it often amongst my female friends, they just want to hit their ex where it hurts

As for my situation, I do think that H brought it on himself, what did he think would happen when he walked away for a second time?? For his son and Ex to happily wave him away and agree regular contact? ...what makes me angry is that I felt so sorry for him for that time his son refused to see him, I couldn't' get my head round why. When he knew all along precisely why his son wanted fuck all to do with him

If he slept on the sofa, I suspect his son would have known and remembered that, but the fact he said he was pretending, makes it more likely he could have slept with her.

It's one thing pretending to be a happy family for the kids, but he was also pretending and trying to deceive her. If I was her, I'd get suspicious as to why he wasn't having sex with me.

Also, if I was him and I didn't sleep with my Ex, I'd be offering a polygraph to prove it.

He was obviously acting in a loving way in order to convince both his son and wife he was back for good.

What really would upset me, is your DSS thinking you're a homewrecker.. No wonder he feels that way.

This is what parents don't realise that when they lie and cheat. It really messes up a child's head many years into adulthood.

Sandy I wanted to ask DSS if he knew whether he slept on the sofa or not but I just felt that was too much because I have to consider DSS feelings as well, not make him rake up old stuff

Tbh asking H to do a polygraph has crossed my mind but they are not always accurate are they?

And also wouldn't it make a difference how long ago it was, ie if the potential lie wasn't fresh in his mind, it maybe more likely to come back as that he was telling the truth

Urgh its all getting a bit Jeremy Kyle.

I hate

I hate what he has done to me :(

I had similar happen to me and my god did I have the rage.

I totally get that you feel you were unknowingly taking part in some competition. I said exactly the same at the time.

But, what would you do to keep your children in your life?

Your husband prioritized his son over you, not his ex wife.

I get why your so angry but I believe your husband was probably in a desperate situation.

The courts are not always impartial and his ex could have painted a picture of him that wasn't true.

I'd cut him some slack if the last ten years have been good. I'd judge him based on this and not for a crazy situation he found himself in ten years ago. Its just not fair is it.

Also. If he did sleep with her, he wasn't with you st the time.