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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hold me back people.... how can I refuse this...

176 replies

isthismylifenow · 13/03/2017 08:40

I know I am posting in relationships, it certainly isn't regarding a relationship, but just an example of what shit I have to deal with these days being recently single...

This is because every married man (note, friends of mine so I am friends with their wives too) seems to think I am so bloody desperate that they need to 'offer their services'. Hmm

Go out for the evening with bunch of friends.

Get home to get a message from one of the husbands saying I looked great that night....Confused. He has something to tell me, I should take it as a compliment although he is a bit shy to tell me. Cue me getting uncomfortable, so I reply, 'no thanks I don't want to know.'
Next day I get a message saying he has to tell me, I need my confidence boosting and continues with a message saying:

I had two erections last night. Once when you arrived and once while you were dancing. You shouldn't look down at yourself like you do. You should appreciate yourself. Just letting you know as I am your friend.'

WTAF!!! Shock

My reply "don't message me again".

Fucking arsehole!

Fucks sakes, how can anybody take that as a compliment anyway. Makes me feel sick.

OP posts:
Hissy · 13/03/2017 10:40

What a revolting pig of a man.

GatoradeMeBitch · 13/03/2017 10:50

I wouldn't tell her. He hasn't (as far as we know) done anything divorce-worthy, and chances are it will be you who gets dropped. It nearly always works out that way, which may be why so many men are happy to take the risk...

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 13/03/2017 10:53

I had this when I was widowed! One guy actually said to me that, since my husband had been dead a few months, I must be gagging for it, and he'd be more than happy to give it to me. He was very insistent that I go home with him. When I said no and pointed to his wedding ring, he said his wife was out of town and would never find out. Bloody sleezeball!

After my husband passed I still wore my wedding ring for a long time, and so many men made passes at me it was just ridiculous. Then one night I was out without my wedding ring, and nobody made a pass at me at all. What does that say about the morals of men?

Ugh, so happy I'm happily single. So sorry for the position your'e in, but I agree with others - I think you need to tell her. I would want to know.

GreyStars · 13/03/2017 10:54

Thank you OP Smile

It's awful that women don't stick together in these situations, they become blind to it so often and yes the woman friend does get dropped.

Sorry you had to deal with a disgusting pig, but as someone said it's good to see their true colours and keep those messages!

Original poster
isthismylifenow · 13/03/2017 10:55

All those saying that if it were their dh they would want to know. Yes of course, I agree that you would. But as her friend, I don't think that me telling his dw, is in her best for her right now.

Just they are married for 28 years. And yes, although I am offended and upset by the messages he has sent... is it worth it for me to go and run to her to tell her what he sent me, bearing in mind that it is going to cause her upset? She will not leave him. I know that. It was a few messages. She is hardly going to leave her stable home and marriage because of some messages. And yes, it's me that will be blamed for the brunt of it.

BUT. If he attempts anything again, I will warn him that I will tell her. No doubt I will see him from time to time, but I will make it clear that this is not on.

Whether he is messaging other woman, I have no idea.

I am just sickened that I have been put into this situation.

OP posts:
sparkler10 · 13/03/2017 10:59

I had the same thing a few years ago, just a message that I deflected politely. As tempted as I was to say something, I weighed it up - seemingly good marriage, 2 kids, lots of mutual friends, a recent bereavement and decided not to say anything. 20 years ago, I might have done but these days prefer to keep out of other people's sh*t. I was actually more offended as he is by no means attractive to me at all!

GatoradeMeBitch · 13/03/2017 11:06

If she drops you, WTF??! I don't care what a shock it is, you should never be blamed for getting sexually harassed.

It's happened on this thread, from complete strangers! People telling her they're glad she's not their friend, what kind of friend are you, etc, when she didn't do anything wrong.

The fact is, he told his wife's friend she made him aroused. People don't leave marriages over that kind of thing. But she won't want the woman who gives her husband hard-ons to stay in her friendship group, almost guaranteed.

Original poster
isthismylifenow · 13/03/2017 11:07

That's how I feel Sparkler. I also have enough of my own shit to deal with.

(Before anyone shoots me down for that comment, I should just put out there that now for the first time in my life, I am putting myself first... after 20 odd years of me putting everyone else's issues before mine. If it makes me a bad friend, so be it. At this point in my life, I have to think of what's best for me.)

OP posts:
GreyStars · 13/03/2017 11:08

I think often what shocks me is that they think telling you this fact should amaze you! And you should be grateful for this knowledge!

Gallavich · 13/03/2017 11:12

I thought the sleazy husband was a mumsnet myth until recently. Having some drinks at a friend's house and her husband turned up, also half cut. I went to the loo and he was outside it, looked me up and down, said I was looking good and grabbed me for a hug Hmm
I know my friend doesn't really love him and is only with him for the kids so I don't feel bad about not telling her but I was pretty disgusted.

Starlighter · 13/03/2017 11:15

Yuck, what a scumbag! Stay away from him if U can. What a horrible situation to put in too. Angry

Original poster
isthismylifenow · 13/03/2017 11:19

Yes grey... unbelievable isn't it....

Galla sadly is isn't a myth. I don't know though, if its an older generation thing. Late 40's to early 50's in my case... not sure if its to do with mid life crisis.. Trying to see if they still 'have it' ?

OP posts:
Matchstickbox · 13/03/2017 11:42

I found the response
"I'm really not worth losing you your wife over, to be honest"
Works.
Or 'I'm not such a great shag that you'll want to lose your family over me'

He's been a twat and agree if you say anything to his wife you'll be the bad guy. Keep the texts, if he goes it again have a conversation with her.

DrScholl · 13/03/2017 11:53

i woudlnt even raise the issue of what you would be like in bed tbh

justnowords · 13/03/2017 11:59

I dont know if its an age thing, or just a married man testing the waters (safely in the knowledge that he will probably get away with it). Im a decade or so younger than you and have been hit on by married dps of friends around the same age. And I've had it in my 20's too. I cant help it im ridiculously good looking, body to die for and fun to be around and have a certain hold over men. But it only seems to work when im in a relationship. When i was single next to no man gave two flying fucks my way! Maybe its my dp that makes me attractive to all these married men

user1479305498 · 13/03/2017 12:03

I most certainly would want to know .

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/03/2017 12:04

as her friend, I don't think that me telling his dw, is in her best for her right now

Fair enough, OP - after all you know her and we don't. The "I honestly thought I was doing the best thing for you" will also give you a back-up if she ever finds out you knew, though whether she'll accept it is another thing of course

I really wouldn't wait to see if he does it again before warning him, though; to my mind you need to be telling him NOW that any further dodgy messages will be sent straight to his wife (and do it in a form where you can keep a copy). If you're going to keep schtum, surely you've absolutely got to cover yourself against any future suggestion that you might have been interested?

PickledCauliflower · 13/03/2017 12:06

Regarding telling your friend, if you are quite sure that she will stay with him anyway - it makes sense not to tell her.
That's a sad way to look at it, but if I was in your shoes and wanted to keep her friendship I wouldn't tell her either.
Of course, I would want it to be different. I would want to tell her, she would bin the sleaze off and we would continue to be great friends. It's a terrible shame that the preferred outcome is so unlikely.

Is it possible that you can continue to see her without him being present (or hardly ever if that's more realistic)? It will be horrible for you to have to be in his company again after those texts.

PickledCauliflower · 13/03/2017 12:08

I agree - give him a stern warning now. Any further texts, comments or similar, you will tell your friend and show her the texts.

DadWasHere · 13/03/2017 12:25

Sheesh. Barely a step up from getting a dick pic captioned 'This is how you made me feel last night, baby.' Hmm, though I suppose that would be a step up, in a way, at least it would be clear and not some shallow narcissist-low self esteem twisted ploy.

Original poster
isthismylifenow · 13/03/2017 13:43

i woudlnt even raise the issue of what you would be like in bed tbh

Grin Grin

I'm a delight.... but he isn't ever going to find that out.....
Wink

Just Grin

Match, going to put those phrases in there somewhere in a safe place. Why is it that one only thinks of amazing come backs after the time though?......

OP posts:
Ineedmorelemonpledge · 13/03/2017 13:50

I think I'd be very tempted reply to him along the lines :

"I find your message disgusting and I'm offended for myself and on behalf of X (your friend) that you feel you have the right to say something as personal and rude as this to me. It is not a compliment, it is lewd and frankly unacceptable from a man on your position.

If you proceed to send me any other personal messages of this, or any other nature I will have no choice but to show your wife screenshots as proof of your despicable behaviour as I'm absolutely positive that you aren't sharing these opinions with her.

I will also feel forced to share them with her if you consider even thinking of bad mouthing me to her or our friends in anyway, following the obviously unplanned negative reaction from me.

However I believe in second chances, so I am happy to accept a text apology from you, and hope to never have to speak to you on this again. "

I'd then keep this as proof, and if he did apologise I'd keep that too. It meant he acknowledged the behaviour was all his, and you drew a very clear line.

Sorry you have to deal with this op. What an absolute spunk trumpet of a man. Flowers

user1487175389 · 13/03/2017 14:16

He's not your friend.

user1487175389 · 13/03/2017 14:21

And screen shot and share with her. Why do we go on protecting these arse holes from their own actions? How is mankind ever going to learn we expect more if we go on molkycoddling them and keeping their dirty secrets as if we were to blame?! Angry Your friend could do way better than him.

PickledCauliflower · 13/03/2017 14:29

I'm sure the OP doesn't want to protect him.

Sad as it is, she doesn't want to lose her friend. As she said earlier - even if she reveals the texts to her, she won't leave him. Chances are she will lose her friendship with her as a result.

It's wrong, but we have seen similar stories on these pages before.

It doesn't make it right, but I have friends I would never want to lose. I also have one or two with twatty husbands (that they won't leave). Not that I have ever received sex texts from them - but they are twats in other ways.

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