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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hold me back people.... how can I refuse this...

176 replies

isthismylifenow · 13/03/2017 08:40

I know I am posting in relationships, it certainly isn't regarding a relationship, but just an example of what shit I have to deal with these days being recently single...

This is because every married man (note, friends of mine so I am friends with their wives too) seems to think I am so bloody desperate that they need to 'offer their services'. Hmm

Go out for the evening with bunch of friends.

Get home to get a message from one of the husbands saying I looked great that night....Confused. He has something to tell me, I should take it as a compliment although he is a bit shy to tell me. Cue me getting uncomfortable, so I reply, 'no thanks I don't want to know.'
Next day I get a message saying he has to tell me, I need my confidence boosting and continues with a message saying:

I had two erections last night. Once when you arrived and once while you were dancing. You shouldn't look down at yourself like you do. You should appreciate yourself. Just letting you know as I am your friend.'

WTAF!!! Shock

My reply "don't message me again".

Fucking arsehole!

Fucks sakes, how can anybody take that as a compliment anyway. Makes me feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthismylifenow · 13/03/2017 10:02

Its not the first 'offer' Worral. Twice before sadly. Not from the same group of friends though. I have no contact with them now.

I take back the 'every' bit. Its not every friend. Just frustration as I typed original post... should probably say 'quite a few' Hmm

I am not even making this up. I wish I was.

OP posts:
Isetan · 13/03/2017 10:05

He is sexually harassing you, that is not a price I'd choose to pay for being the friend of any woman.

Gingerbreadlass · 13/03/2017 10:06

I think it'll become a problem if your friend finds her DH's WhatsApp messages. Some people back theirs up daily or weekly or they may appear on a synchro device such as a MAC computer or laptop.

I think i would have a quiet moment with her and show her the messages as soon as you can and not let much time pass

Gingerbreadlass · 13/03/2017 10:07

Also want to say, yes, it's sexual harassment. Next, he'll be sending you dick pictures (barf).

nonononononnoon39382920 · 13/03/2017 10:07

Sorry but she needs to know. Put yourself in her position. What kind of friend are you if you don't tell her? Trust me, I'd rather know!!!

nonononononnoon39382920 · 13/03/2017 10:08

@WeAreNotInKansasAnymore literally dying at your comment 😂😂😂

WorraLiberty · 13/03/2017 10:08

Just tell his partner.

I have no idea why you wouldn't.

justnowords · 13/03/2017 10:09

FGS dont tell your friend. Trust me it will backfire on you. Even if your friend leaves her dp (possibly unlikey after 'only' two inappropriate drunken msgs) you'll be painted as the one that split them up and despite you being the wholly innocent party, your the one that will be painted as the harlot/troublemaker. Imagine they dont split up, thats even worse. Things will never be the same, especially if there is a group of friends. Im surprised there is only one reply so far questioning your ability to receive msgs from the dp, as if to insinuate theres more to this than jsut your friends dp being a creepy slimey git! Look to the other threads about women receiving unsolicitor msg on fb, there are usually enough posters suggesting the woman was at fault one way or another.

Mischa123 · 13/03/2017 10:09

is there someone in RL that you could trust to discuss it with. None of us know your friend and how she would react but maybe being able to talk to one of your other close friends might help, not that I want it to appear like you are gossiping but I don't think it is fair that this has been put on you. You are right to keep a screen shot of the conversation though as you clearly were not interested or encouraging in any way. How horrible to be put in this situation.

bumblingbovine49 · 13/03/2017 10:09

I would send a text to him to ask him what his wife would think of the things he has said to you and that if he ever communicates with you again in that way you will tell her.

Goldenhandshake · 13/03/2017 10:09

Please show your friend. If my DH were sending such creepy, vile, inappropriate messages to my friend, I would want to know, and would be very upset that a so called friend had not told me, and had instead let me blindly stay with such an arsehole.

AliceByTheMoon · 13/03/2017 10:10

I am glad you have proof. Sleazy arseholes like this usually find a way to make it your fault.

A married guy in our small village and whose wife works in London during the week started texting me a few years ago suggesting I come around to his house 'with a bottle and two glasses'. I always showed DH in a sort of surprised horror and ignored the sleaze completely.

He spread the rumour in our very small village that he had had to fight me off. His wife gives me daggers whenever she sees me, as does all her friends. I find it infuriating.

But the wife must know surely...... we happened to be at the same NYE function last year and he was standing over a mutual friend with his hand down her top squeezing her breast in full view of his wife and her husband. (She did not stop him). So the wife HAS to know he is a sleaze, surely?

But no,it is still apparently ME who was flirting and gagging for it.

On another issue- I have never ever been propositioned so often as i was after I just got married. Seriously- 4-5 times within 6 months of my marriage, from (married) people who were more or less in our 'circle'. I was absolutely shocked..... I guess they saw it as 'she's married, she'll keep it quiet because she has got alot to lose too'.

Makes me feel a bit sick to be honest.

Isetan · 13/03/2017 10:11

Keeping it to yourself is what gives the impression to these dicks that their behaviour is acceptable. You're not the first or the last that this has, or will happen to but you can decide that you're going to be the woman who chooses to hold up a mirror to someone else's twattery rather than internalise It.

DistanceCall · 13/03/2017 10:13

If I was his wife, I'd want to know. You owe it to her.

MaximaDeWit · 13/03/2017 10:15

I would absolutely want to know this. She may not leave him but he (men) need to get the message that this isn't something they can do when they fancy it, when you have made i clear you don't want to know, and it will be brushed under the carpet.

The only reason there's this precedent of the woman being blamed, painted a harlot, etc. Is because they're expected to endure if, put up or shut up and not kick up a stink. That's what this man is expecting and counting on. If the norm became shouting about this sort of disgusting behaviour then it might happen less.

WhereHaveTheyGone · 13/03/2017 10:16

Why would you not tell your friend? Meet her at hers or yours, not somewhere public where she will be uncomfortable and show her the message thread. She can see it all undoctored. I would be very disappointed if my friend sat on this for months without telling me.

Genuinely don't know why you wouldn't tell her?

WorraLiberty · 13/03/2017 10:18

If I were her and I found out eventually, I would feel just as betrayed by you no telling me tbh.

BoobleMcB · 13/03/2017 10:19

What a knob.

I wouldn't tell your friend YET though OP. Like you say, it would ruin everything for her (and you). It's not enough to ruin a friendship for. I'd unblock the Husband and send him a message making it CRYSTAL clear that one more word, foot wrong or even untoward look and you WILL tell his wife.

Keep an eye out and anything else suspicious, point her in that direction

RockyBird · 13/03/2017 10:23

I'd want to know if my DH was such a massive sleezeball.

justnowords · 13/03/2017 10:23

How long have your friends been married? Do they seem happily settled? You have to weigh up the costs of telling the friend. The reality is that its not just going in and telling your friend her dp is a lecherous arse and your doing her a favour, the dp getting kicked out and all friends living happily ever after. It will be messy, and you as the single woman will probably bear the brunt of it. Do you honestly think your friend will leave her dp over two msgs. Bear in mind the dp will fire back with all sorts, you led him on/he was drunk/it didnt mean anything/he cant even remember sending them etc. What do you think the probabilities are that your friend will either forgive her dp, or worse, take his side. Remember this is not a full blown out physical affair, its (and i hate saying it) just two lecherous msgs (that i guarantee the dp will do his utmost best to weasel out of). Do you think your friend will throw her marriage away over that? Because if she doesn't (and i suspect she wouldn't) where does that leave you.

Deathraystare · 13/03/2017 10:25

I had two erections last night. Once when you arrived and once while you were dancing

Ooooh Mr Darcy!!! (fans oneself)

ohfourfoxache · 13/03/2017 10:25

I'm so sorry, but you're going to be damned if you tell her and damned if you don't Sad

I really and truly believe you should tell her.

Wish you weren't going through this Thanks

Isetan · 13/03/2017 10:26

All the 'why does he have your number'? posts are a perpetuation of the myth that men can't help themselves. Just like all the 'I forgiven my H for cheating' but the OW throwing herself and pursuing the gullible H Is the real culprit and focus of my rage.

As I said before, being sexually harassed by a friend's spouse should never be the price to pay for a friendship and if it is, then you have to question if the friend is worthy of your friendship. Some women know and chose to turn a blind eye, that is their prerogative but they can't blame the victim to protect themselves from the truth.

It's your call wether you tell or not but not telling, isn't protecting your friend or your friendship, it's protecting the perpetrator from the consequences of his behaviour.

justnowords · 13/03/2017 10:28

That's what this man is expecting and counting on. If the norm became shouting about this sort of disgusting behaviour then it might happen less. That would possibly be true if every single woman had the same high standard of decency they expected their man to adhere to. Unfortunately real life shows otherwise and more often than not, especially over only 2 msgs, even if the op did drag it all out into the open, she would still most likely be the one paying the price for it whilst the man stays with his wife(albeit on much rockier ground).

user1479305498 · 13/03/2017 10:33

I had an experience like this in my first marriage where husbands friend kept popping round when he knew XDH was on different shifts and then phones me from a phone box (pre mobiles) to tell me he loved me. All extremely awkward , and even more so when Is had to see him regularly. I never told XH and they are still friends.