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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hold me back people.... how can I refuse this...

176 replies

isthismylifenow · 13/03/2017 08:40

I know I am posting in relationships, it certainly isn't regarding a relationship, but just an example of what shit I have to deal with these days being recently single...

This is because every married man (note, friends of mine so I am friends with their wives too) seems to think I am so bloody desperate that they need to 'offer their services'. Hmm

Go out for the evening with bunch of friends.

Get home to get a message from one of the husbands saying I looked great that night....Confused. He has something to tell me, I should take it as a compliment although he is a bit shy to tell me. Cue me getting uncomfortable, so I reply, 'no thanks I don't want to know.'
Next day I get a message saying he has to tell me, I need my confidence boosting and continues with a message saying:

I had two erections last night. Once when you arrived and once while you were dancing. You shouldn't look down at yourself like you do. You should appreciate yourself. Just letting you know as I am your friend.'

WTAF!!! Shock

My reply "don't message me again".

Fucking arsehole!

Fucks sakes, how can anybody take that as a compliment anyway. Makes me feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthismylifenow · 13/03/2017 09:24

Pickled

I have screenshots of the message. I want to keep them for ammo in case the shit hits the fan.

OP posts:
saniner · 13/03/2017 09:24

The fact he carried on to tell you when you made it clear you didn't want to know. Dirty bastard.

Kittencatkins123 · 13/03/2017 09:26

THE GRIMNESS!

Dr S - I have some of my friends husbands numbers in exactly this way - whatsapp groups, it's pretty common. Normally it doesn't end up in gross comments from the Hs. Bit odd that that's your focus rather than the sleazy as man.

OP - it's a difficult one. I really don't think he should get away with it. How do you think your friend would react - i.e. Listen and blame him or get annoyed with you/allow him to minimise?

hesterton · 13/03/2017 09:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Userone1 · 13/03/2017 09:27

I agree, you will probably lose your friend. if you do tell, you will probably be excluded from the group. If you don't tell going out as a group again is going to be awkward.

Original poster
isthismylifenow · 13/03/2017 09:27

DrS

Well I really cant dance either, so I must be supa hot then... hahaha

Grin
OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 13/03/2017 09:29

If she's a decent friend to you she'll be really upset that you had to go through that.

If she drops you, WTF??! I don't care what a shock it is, you should never be blamed for getting sexually harassed.

I think I'm getting old - when I was younger I wouldn't have wanted to rock the boat either. I remember a boyfriend of my friend forcibly kissed me and I never told her cos she was obsessed with him and she'd never have believed it hadn't taken two to tango. But even back then I think if I had proof (messages where I was very strong in not wanting it, like you) I would have told her.

Somerville · 13/03/2017 09:30

Deeply unfair on you and yes I understand your anger.

As he contacted you via the what's app group I might be tempted to explain to the group administrator that you'd received an explicit message that made you very uncomfortable.

BertsBlanket · 13/03/2017 09:32

I'd want you to tell me too if you were my friend, but equally I can totally understand why you're reluctant to share this with her - the messenger doesn't get thanked and if their relationship survives it then you'll likely be excluded. But it's HIS fault for putting you in this lose-lose position Angry

Up to you of course, but If you do feel yourself getting phased out then definitely tell her then as there will ll be nothing to lose at that point.

LesisMiserable · 13/03/2017 09:33

If my partner had come on to my mate, I'd want to know. If she didn't tell me straight away I'd be fucked off and confused about why she would keep it from me. This I think will backfire on you if you keep his confidence. Surely thats obvious?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/03/2017 09:33

Why should I lose my friend (as that is what is going to happen... how can it not) because of him?

I totally get your point, but maybe consider that, sooner or later, this creep will slip up and his DW will discover the lot. If she also finds out that you were approached - and didn't tell her - how do you think she'll view your friendship then? Isn't there a chance that she'll think your silence suggests you really were interested in him?

That's really not a pleasant thing to have hanging over you, for something which wasn't in any way your fault

Taylor22 · 13/03/2017 09:36

You are completely blameless in this. This is 100% on him.

However. You have got to tell her. This is no on you as well because you now know what her husband is like behind her back. He had the brass balls to do this to one of her closest friends. He's defiantly doing more with other women.
I'm sorry but if you don't tell her then you've let her down.
If she later finds out on her own or through a 3rd party that you knew and didn't tell her. Then she is within her rights to be furious with you.

I wouldn't count someone who wouldn't tell me this as my close friend.

GreyStars · 13/03/2017 09:37

Keep the messages

I had this from a married friend who knew I was in a loving relationship. And knew I had just had a miscarriage. I was at the trying to make sense of it all, blaming myself stage. He asked how i was, I said I just hate myself but i think I will be ok, just need time and to pick myself up" his response was to tell me I was hot, he often thought about me and when he first met me he couldn't get up as he had a massive errection.

I think they say errection as it's a medical term, can't be anything bad if it's a medical term. If you jump on it bad turn of phrase then great for them, if you don't well it's just a medical term you silly woman.

It made me feel physically sick and I had to cut all contact, I lost friends over it - but I couldn't be friends with someone who talked to me like that, when I was so vulnerable.

DevelopingDetritus · 13/03/2017 09:44

That makes me feel sick too Envy (vom)

GreyStars · 13/03/2017 09:44

Also I would tell your friend.

First thing I did was tell my partner, about a minute afterwards and then gave him my phone, as it upset me so much I didn't want to upset him, but I didn't want it to ever put my relationship in jeopardy which it would have done had I not shown my partner.

His wife did find that message. For months before he told everyone they were separated and had no ring. His wife found a lot more with other women eventually after trying to destroy my relationship and they were most certainly not separated in her eyes

Was awful

repaintthesky · 13/03/2017 09:45

His wife's one of your closest friends? Sad old Mr Two-erections (allegedly!) doesn't care about that or you wouldn't have got the messages. Way disrespectful. Block and avoid.

MarklahMarklah · 13/03/2017 09:46

Thing is, you're damned if you do tell your friend about her sleazebag husband now, and you're damned if you don't.
If you do tell her, chances are that it could be the end of the friendship.
If you don't tell her and it later comes out, then there could be fallout from not telling her.

Hopefully now you have blocked him, that's the end of it. If he persists perhaps you can ask him if his wife would appreciate the content of messages he sends to other women, and then show her the message.

10000spoons · 13/03/2017 09:48

GreyStars that's horrible. At least you've found out what an idiot he was and binned accordingly. Flowers

SparklyMagpie · 13/03/2017 09:49

If this was the other way round, would you want your best friend to tell you?

Id want to know

yorkshirepuddingandroastbeef · 13/03/2017 09:49

Can you 'accidentally' reply to the whatsapp group you both belong to? Wink

Original poster
isthismylifenow · 13/03/2017 09:52

Grey

I don't know what is wrong with some people.

I am sorry for your loss.

Angry
OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 13/03/2017 09:54

"This is because every married man (note, friends of mine so I am friends with their wives too) seems to think I am so bloody desperate that they need to 'offer their services'."

Every one of your friend's husbands are like this? Confused

How many other messages/offers have you received?

confuugled1 · 13/03/2017 09:56

I don't really use whatsapp but is there anyway that you could send a reply to him that would include his message and it be sent to the group rather than just him that would show what a sleeze he is to everyone so there would be no opportunity for him to make any excuses?

DevelopingDetritus · 13/03/2017 09:57

If he'd seen me dancing his erection would have gone back into his body till it came out his bum. One of the funniest lines of read on MN.

Imi22sleeping · 13/03/2017 10:01

I dont think you should tell hell juat make something up that you messaged first or encouraged hom and no offence but most women beleive their husbands id be super tempted to send the message to the whats ap group!! But thats just me.