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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To feel this way about my oh?

357 replies

Kmoggy · 12/03/2017 13:21

I'm really struggling to like my partner just now.. i haven't been happy in our relationship for about a year, had another baby 6 months ago so I'm sure that's contributed. He's not a bad guy at all.. he loves our children so much. Trouble is he has no ambition, no drive to do better for us as a family. I know he's been brought up to accept that just by having a job and being around is enough but it really isn't in my book. He is financially dependant on me.. I bring in most of the money. Granted I get private money gifted from my family each month but still that money was never to pay bills with, it was to treat myself with etc. Now we have children I just keep thinking how I could use that money for them and their futures but instead it's paying our monthly bills.
I'm going bk to work soon and will be working part time, looking after 3 under 2,s and hopefully starting some study plus running every aspect of this household. I don't have time to take on extra work. He does tho, he works 6/3 and has weekends off.. I have tried to suggest he advertises as a handy man or looks into some courses etc as he's so good with diy. But he won't and just tells me he doesn't enjoy it... he works for my uncle and brings in £20000 a year which is nothing when I think of the cost of 3 kids when they are a bit older. I just want him to want to provide for us and not happy to sit back and take from my family.
He could help more around the house too which really upsets me as today for instance I was up 3x feeding throughout the night.. I was so tired at 7am and asked him if I could get an extra hr, he said go get boys breakfast first and I'll come down when you did that.. he did come down but went bk to bed, it's 12.30 and I've just sat down. I've been cooking, cleaning etc since I got up and now he's sitting on his again. He never offers to help me or says I'll do that you sit down. He rarely cleans to standard I need and I honestly just feel so much hatred and resentment towards him just now.. don't know if we will get through this. He thinks everything is fine and has no idea I keep thinking about what would happen if we split up. I can't communicate to him ever coz he never talks back just sits quiet and never ever offers a solution to the problems in our relationship! I just feel we are 2 different. I want the very best for my kids, I'm not prepared to settle for bare minimum and he is! Although he seems to think spending money is ok on things we can't afford etc.. he wants all the nice things but he isn't pulling the money in to have them. Any advice welcome.. but I just need to get this off my chest as I have no one I can talk to about this and I don't know if there is any going be from here.

OP posts:
ZilphasHatpin · 12/03/2017 13:24

Hang on, he works full time, you work part time, but you expect him to take on extra work so you can spend the money your family gives you to treat yourself??

BitOutOfPractice · 12/03/2017 13:25

You're happy to take from your family though?

I think the work and the helping at home things are two separate issues tbh

Cosmicglitterpug · 12/03/2017 13:25

You sound spoilt tbh. Leave him if he's that bad.

ZilphasHatpin · 12/03/2017 13:27

And why did you have 3 children with him if he isn't what you want in a partner?

Cosmicglitterpug · 12/03/2017 13:29

And yeah, stop having kids with him.

wobblywonderwoman · 12/03/2017 13:29

I don't see how, if he is WORKING for your uncle, he is taking from them

But he should have got up this morning and not expected you to do breakfast if you were feeding. It does sound like you need a break from each other

Mrsglitterfairy · 12/03/2017 13:30

So he works 9 hours a day and has weekends off? So he has a full time job? Yet you're moaning that you do the majority of the housework and if I've read correctly you're not currently working?
And your family gift money to you but you want to keep that just for you not your family? That's not quite how it works when you have kids, you put them first I'm afraid.
I understand it's frustrating when you're up feeding in the night then up again in the morning but he must be up at about 5am all week? Surely he needs a lie in at the weekend..

Original poster
Kmoggy · 12/03/2017 13:32

No not to treat myself.. it was given to me before children arrived for that reason. Not to pay bills. I would use it to pay for my kids swimming lessons and dance etc to save for them. For the record, I work 3 days a week, about to start a poem learning degree and run every single aspect of this house from paying bills to menu planning. So no I'm not lazy or spoiled I'm trying to do better for my family

OP posts:
Hellmouth · 12/03/2017 13:32

I'm currently working part time, going back to full time soon. When my partner was working, I would never expect him to do extra work around the house. He has also received money from family and he used that to help with household costs and us moving house because he said it was for us as a family.

Unfortunately, you don't seem to be coming off well here. Night time feeds, yes, maybe he should be getting more involved. But it sounds like he works an acceptable level. Also, you're saying he doesn't clean to your standards ... maybe you should lower your standards.

I think I feel sorry for your OH

RJnomore1 · 12/03/2017 13:32

If you're on maternity leave and work part time anyway are you sure you bring in most of the money? Do you mean the money your family gives you?

Hellmouth · 12/03/2017 13:35

Menu planning? Why do women give themselves so much work lol. Pick 5-10 easy meals and rotate them each week. We have chicken casserole twice a week in my household and DP honestly doesn't care. Food is food!

Also how hard is it to pay a bill? Just set up direct debits.

Jesus

allthingsred · 12/03/2017 13:36

It sounds like life. He goes out to work & is probably knackered when he gets home. Granted it's bloody frustrating (& actually this week me & my oh had same row about why when we both go out to work I'm the only one that is up getting kids ready for their day)
It would be nice to be able to treat yourself but by using the money to pay your bills & not sink into debt is a luxury that a lot of people would want.
Maybe try to find the positives in your situation. Because honestly it doesn't sound so bad.
I don't think I would call time on a relationship with the father of my children because of his lack of ambition

Underthemoonlight · 12/03/2017 13:36

You sound awful he already works full time and that's not enough! 20,000 is more than minimum wage and not bad in my area(North East) you get gifted monthly money off family yet you don't want to share with your family! You sound spoilt. How is he financially dependant when he works full time and you get money from your family? Surely your dependant on them and in now way independent financially you actually contradict yourself in you're op..

ZilphasHatpin · 12/03/2017 13:36

about to start a poem learning degree

Please don't tell me this is how you plan to do better for your family?

Bitofacow · 12/03/2017 13:37

He rarely cleans to standard I need

Well that really is your problem isn't it.

Sit down and discuss the tasks and divide them. Have you tried this?

ZilphasHatpin · 12/03/2017 13:37

Meal planning is not a household job. It's a hobby. It's perfectly possible to just feed your family.

WhataHexIgotinto · 12/03/2017 13:41

How is doing a 'poem learning' degree going to make a better life for your family?

You say he's financially dependent on you but you are happy to take money a from your family regularly? I find that very odd. Tbh it sounds like no matter what he did for you, it would never be enough. Might be time to stop having babies with him if you don't think he's good enough.

Cherrysoup · 12/03/2017 13:43

What the heck is a poem learning degree and why don't you do a vocational degree so you can get a better paid job?

Underthemoonlight · 12/03/2017 13:45

I agree don't understand how a poetic degree is going to better yourselves. Why don't you work full time and left your dp go part time is it bothers you so much?

Razz1eDazz1e · 12/03/2017 13:46

OP - I have done sympathy for you but am also wondering -

How many hours a week does he actually work and doing what?

What is a poem learning degree and how will this help your finances?

Why do your family give you money still - this is highly unusual?

HRHCocoa · 12/03/2017 13:47

It's 'open'learning I would think.

But yes, clearly the OP seems to be unreasonable based on the rest of her post.

Razz1eDazz1e · 12/03/2017 13:47

Some sympathy - not done!

Mermaidinthesea · 12/03/2017 13:51

My husband was the same and we are now divorced. He now wants half my house that he never paid for. Once you allow men to start being lazy they take you for granted and just keep taking and then feel entitled. He should be trying very much harder.
I agree with you. My folk don't give me money any more I'm 55 so that's reasonable but they certainly did help out in the past when my son was a child.
My ex worked less and less and saw it as "optional " in the end. I went back to work and worked for years 6 days a week while he felt he didn't really need to try very hard, it destroyed our marriage and I hate him now.

rollonthesummer · 12/03/2017 13:51

about to start a poem learning degree

I really hope that is a typo!

You don't really bring any money in actually, do you?! You have an allowance!

Esoteric · 12/03/2017 13:52

If you want a champagne lifestyle and partner has beer money wages, then I would say move on, you will just nag the guy to death and he may be better off with someone who is happy with a simpler lifestyle.