To feel this way about my oh?

[Kmoggy]

I'm really struggling to like my partner just now.. i haven't been happy in our relationship for about a year, had another baby 6 months ago so I'm sure that's contributed. He's not a bad guy at all.. he loves our children so much. Trouble is he has no ambition, no drive to do better for us as a family. I know he's been brought up to accept that just by having a job and being around is enough but it really isn't in my book. He is financially dependant on me.. I bring in most of the money. Granted I get private money gifted from my family each month but still that money was never to pay bills with, it was to treat myself with etc. Now we have children I just keep thinking how I could use that money for them and their futures but instead it's paying our monthly bills.
I'm going bk to work soon and will be working part time, looking after 3 under 2,s and hopefully starting some study plus running every aspect of this household. I don't have time to take on extra work. He does tho, he works 6/3 and has weekends off.. I have tried to suggest he advertises as a handy man or looks into some courses etc as he's so good with diy. But he won't and just tells me he doesn't enjoy it... he works for my uncle and brings in £20000 a year which is nothing when I think of the cost of 3 kids when they are a bit older. I just want him to want to provide for us and not happy to sit back and take from my family.
He could help more around the house too which really upsets me as today for instance I was up 3x feeding throughout the night.. I was so tired at 7am and asked him if I could get an extra hr, he said go get boys breakfast first and I'll come down when you did that.. he did come down but went bk to bed, it's 12.30 and I've just sat down. I've been cooking, cleaning etc since I got up and now he's sitting on his again. He never offers to help me or says I'll do that you sit down. He rarely cleans to standard I need and I honestly just feel so much hatred and resentment towards him just now.. don't know if we will get through this. He thinks everything is fine and has no idea I keep thinking about what would happen if we split up. I can't communicate to him ever coz he never talks back just sits quiet and never ever offers a solution to the problems in our relationship! I just feel we are 2 different. I want the very best for my kids, I'm not prepared to settle for bare minimum and he is! Although he seems to think spending money is ok on things we can't afford etc.. he wants all the nice things but he isn't pulling the money in to have them. Any advice welcome.. but I just need to get this off my chest as I have no one I can talk to about this and I don't know if there is any going be from here.

I would let him go part time Controlling, much? Also - again - why did you have three children with this man if you have so little respect for his ability as a provider?

I disagree with the majority.

Your OH is employed by your family
Your OH is happy to use money from your family to help pay the bills.
Your OH works full time
Your OH has no desire to improve his career or income
Your OH expect you to do all childcare duties and all/most of the housework
Your OH thinks it's fine for you to be up several times a night with a baby, while he sleeps and then for you to be the one doing everything the next day while he sleeps for the entire morning.
You do 100% of child duties, day and night, nearly all of the housework and work part time
He works full time.

He sounds like a lazy, selfish idiot. I couldn't put up with it.

Is the 6/3 a shift pattern, or his hours, or what?

I just can't get my head around being a mum of 3 and still getting pocket money from your family

None of us are supermums, OP. But you'll wear yourself out by trying to be. Nobody's floor needs hoovering and mopping every day - it's no wonder you're knackered! There is a middle ground between living in a Pinterest post and living in a pigsty. Having 3 young kids is hard; you need to cut yourself (and your poor OH!) a little slack.

What exactly do you want from him? Do you really want a life with an ambitious man who works so hard that he never has the time to spend with his dp and children? Because that's how that would probably pan out, I'm afraid. He's happy to work full time, but has enough time to be a good parent. If he doesn't keep house to your standard, that's your issue, not his. I do agree thatif you've been up in the night with baby, he should do.more to give you a break, but come on OP...you arebeing unreasonable here.

Your OH thinks it's fine for you to be up several times a night with a baby, while he sleeps and then for you to be the one doing everything the next day while he sleeps for the entire morning.

I don't think he's sleeping the entire morning very often if he starts work at 6am...

Exactly JJ. This is a father of 3 and he is happy to let his wife's family "gift" them money in the full knowledge that he only works until 3pm, 5 days a week and he does sod all in the house to boot! What kind of set up is that?

You expect him to help with the housework but complain he doesn't do it right? No wonder he doesn't do much if he's constantly told he's doing it wrong.
Agree some tasks for him to do suxh as he vaccums on a Saturday, empties the dishwasher etc.
If someone was always telling me my efforts weren't good enough I'd stop doing stuff. If you want every done your way you'll probably have to do it yourself. If you want help we'll have to accept that it wouldn't be exactly as you do it. That doesn't nean you can't explain how you think a job should be done (you can say please don't use the dish cloth to wipe the surfaces, there is cloth for that kept with the cleaning spray or you when you vacuum can you use the tools to get into corners). Show him how you want a job done - don't expect him to be a mind reader.

Your OH is employed by your family

Your point is?

Maybe if OP thinks it is such a terrible wage she should speak to her family!

OP - you don't seem to like your dp very much and you clearly do not respect him. You cannot communicate with him effectively. These issues far outweigh any of the day-to-day problems.
Be honest with yourself, if he found a 9-5 pm job, 5 days a week which paid better, would you really like him more? Would you find yourself enjoying his company more? To be honest, it just sounds as though you have spent a lot of time picturing your life without him and preferring that daydream.

Granted I get private money gifted from my family each month but still that money was never to pay bills with, it was to treat myself with etc.

Grow the fuck up.

'He only works until 3pm'! But he STARTS at 6am!

How is a poem learning degree going to support you financially also if he's only on £20k, with 3 kids, you'd get a lot of tax credits, child benefit and also you can transfer a % of your personal tax allowance to him. So what exactly are you banging on about?

To be fair £40k plus money from your family sounds a decent income. Many people would be happy with that and enjoy life, not kill themselves to make a few grand more.

It sounds to me that you come from a very hardworking, ambitious sort of background. It can be difficult if your partner has different values to the ones you grew up with I think. My DD has a boyfriend who is very much like you describe your DH, a nice guy who drifts along. We are all much more driven. I don't think he will suit her long term.

The money I get from family isn't a lot but it would be nice to be able to use it for our kids to take them places and pay for things like swimming etc! Again if you don't agree with that fine but it's what I want to provide for my children

Apart from the fact it isn't you doing it is it? It's your family.

You aren't providing it at all!

How awful for him. He has a full time manual job and you expect him to work around the house and take on extra work whilst you do a "poem" degree????? Plus you take money off your family???
Poor chap obviously doesn't live up to your expectations! The problem is with you not him!

Arranged marriage? Does he think he's found a cosy placement with you and doesn't need to do any more?

Can you do better than him, or is having a husband better than not having anyone at all?

'I'd also expect him to take on some study if he was part time but he won't'

Why do you get to dictate that? You're not his boss. You chose to have 3 kids with him as he is, not who you want to mould him into.

Gosh, everyone's being a bit harsh I think. Not unreasonable at all to expect DH to do breakfast on the weekend when you've been up all night with the baby and he's had a full nights sleep.

It is a bit unreasonable to expect him to do housework to your specification as long as it's done, and it sounds like he's working full time. However, if the situation with the breakfast has been common in the 6 months since you had the baby i can see why resentment has built up.

A poem learning degree? Have you taken leave of your senses? What the actual fuck are you going to do with that??

Get rid, OP. Let him find a woman who actually appreciates the hours he puts in. Stop sponging off your parents. Don't have another child with a man you disrespect. And teach your own children a bit of self-sufficiency so that they don't grow up depending entirely on others, like you.

For the math challenged - working 6 am till 3pm is the same hrs as working 9 to 6. So, not part time....

The responses to this thread are really quite remarkable.
MN is a site where we support each other - or it's supposed to be. Op is struggling with the pressures of three young children and that's putting strain on her relationship. Let's be more constructive shall we ?

OP - AIBU is a shitfest. Start a new thread in Relationships, focusing on the fact that he's not pulling his weight at home.

The words we choose say everything. Your posts are full of me, my, mine, I.

You don't see yourself as part of a team with your partner. You undervalue his contribution placing only a monetary value on his work. By that standard he's keeping you because currently you're not earning much (the maternity pay counts, I wouldn't count the money from your family).

Why is a grown arse adult getting money from family anyway? How old are you?

Where do you live that £40,000+ isn't enough?!

What are you spending money on? Have you overstretched yourselves on mortgage/rent? Are you buying better quality things than you can afford?

You're trying to maintain a lifestyle you aspire to but can't afford.

That's not all his fault. You're an adult you have a responsibility in this too.

Yes he needs to do a bit more round house and with dc but as you're not currently working and when you do you're part time the lions share is rightly down to you.

Everyone has different standards,that's life.

Not hoovering/mopping daily DOESN'T mean your dc would be crawling around in filth!

Not wanting a flash job is not a character flaw! I've done all kinds of jobs, the one I was most miserable in was the highest paid, the one I was happiest in was one many people deride.

You need to grow up, calm down and get off his case!

What do you like about your DH OP? Do you love him? I would be devastated if I felt that my DH was disappointed and even ashamed of me