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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To feel this way about my oh?

357 replies

Kmoggy · 12/03/2017 13:21

I'm really struggling to like my partner just now.. i haven't been happy in our relationship for about a year, had another baby 6 months ago so I'm sure that's contributed. He's not a bad guy at all.. he loves our children so much. Trouble is he has no ambition, no drive to do better for us as a family. I know he's been brought up to accept that just by having a job and being around is enough but it really isn't in my book. He is financially dependant on me.. I bring in most of the money. Granted I get private money gifted from my family each month but still that money was never to pay bills with, it was to treat myself with etc. Now we have children I just keep thinking how I could use that money for them and their futures but instead it's paying our monthly bills.
I'm going bk to work soon and will be working part time, looking after 3 under 2,s and hopefully starting some study plus running every aspect of this household. I don't have time to take on extra work. He does tho, he works 6/3 and has weekends off.. I have tried to suggest he advertises as a handy man or looks into some courses etc as he's so good with diy. But he won't and just tells me he doesn't enjoy it... he works for my uncle and brings in £20000 a year which is nothing when I think of the cost of 3 kids when they are a bit older. I just want him to want to provide for us and not happy to sit back and take from my family.
He could help more around the house too which really upsets me as today for instance I was up 3x feeding throughout the night.. I was so tired at 7am and asked him if I could get an extra hr, he said go get boys breakfast first and I'll come down when you did that.. he did come down but went bk to bed, it's 12.30 and I've just sat down. I've been cooking, cleaning etc since I got up and now he's sitting on his again. He never offers to help me or says I'll do that you sit down. He rarely cleans to standard I need and I honestly just feel so much hatred and resentment towards him just now.. don't know if we will get through this. He thinks everything is fine and has no idea I keep thinking about what would happen if we split up. I can't communicate to him ever coz he never talks back just sits quiet and never ever offers a solution to the problems in our relationship! I just feel we are 2 different. I want the very best for my kids, I'm not prepared to settle for bare minimum and he is! Although he seems to think spending money is ok on things we can't afford etc.. he wants all the nice things but he isn't pulling the money in to have them. Any advice welcome.. but I just need to get this off my chest as I have no one I can talk to about this and I don't know if there is any going be from here.

OP posts:
MommaGee · 13/03/2017 11:01

No one is suggesting she does all the childcare. We're suggesting she progresses in her career and gets him to do the childcare etc. If he's such a duck he's going to go out of a morning when he's the SAHD without the kids or leave them without food or refuse to do any washing or cleaning when he's home all day with them, like OP is now, then she needs to leave him and then she will be doing it all alone

Spice22 · 13/03/2017 11:11

Momma that's what she's said he will do (and she knows her husband better than we do). Which is why I'm saying she SHOULD leave him and do it all alone. She has family support and won't be let down because she won't expect anything from her. In fact she will have less to do as she'll have one less child to look after!

OP where are you? Quite frustrating when the OP doesn't engage.

MommaGee · 13/03/2017 11:22

I don't think op did say he'd abandon the kids or starve them she said he wouldn't do it to her standard.

I suspect that every time DP tries to do something OP comes along and tells him he's doing it wrong.
Agree re walking away. Don't be with someone you clearly dislike and feel superior to

MusicToMyEars800 · 13/03/2017 11:33

I get you OP, I feel you've had some harsh responses on here, but I do believe you need to get him to listen to what you are saying and have a serious discussion. Me and my OH are sort of similar, we have 2 dcs he works full time I work 15hrs a week, but I do everything in the home and childcare related which I was fine with before I started working again but now I feel I need that little bit of help at home, the difference is we are on the same page he is currently studying to better himself ( his income is very good as it is £24,500 per annum ) but we want to get a mortgage so he wants to earn more and i'm soon to be studying for a better job too.

Original poster
Kmoggy · 13/03/2017 11:45

I don't feel like there is anything else I can say.. no matter what I say I'll be villified. Thanks for all your respnces i will defo take some of what's been said on board!

OP posts:
MusicToMyEars800 · 13/03/2017 12:04

hope you get things sorted OP, Sit down and go over all of your options... and ask yourself, do you really want to be with him? are you happy to carry on with things the way that they are?

Want2bSupermum · 13/03/2017 12:30

zil He works 6-3 which is a 9 hour day minus an hour for lunch so 40 hours a week. He has plenty of time available to go get a second job, earn a qualification or help out at home.

I'm a parent of 3DC and right now I'm averaging 90-100 hours a week, DH is working 60ish. When you need to work long hours you make it happen.

icy121 · 13/03/2017 13:56

piglet it's not about his earnings. It's about his drive and motivation. He has a job that was provided by her family, where there is the potential to progress but he doesn't want to for whatever reason (this is probably "why bother since her family will cover us. Now back to looking at spendy coffee machines on my phone, feet up, wonder what's for dinner")

So yeah. Not a total scrounger, but nearly.

JessicaEccles · 13/03/2017 14:12

OP- was this an arranged marriage? Because otherwise I am struggling to see how two people seemingly so unalike ended up together? You haven't said anything personal about your husband- what you married him for.

GrumpyOldBlonde · 13/03/2017 14:19

OP has said that at the beginning he seemed on the same page as her, but his ambition has disappeared. Also, who on earth really knows how a partner will be once children come along, no matter how much talking you do first?

People grow apart, they just do. Christ, would some of the women on relationships have had kids with the man they are posting about if he had been like that from the start?

scottishdiem · 13/03/2017 14:45

JessicaEccles

That is a very perceptive question. I hadnt even go close to that but it does seem to cover a few of the issues.

ZilphasHatpin · 13/03/2017 14:49

zil He works 6-3 which is a 9 hour day minus an hour for lunch so 40 hours a week. He has plenty of time available to go get a second job, earn a qualification or help out at home.

Yes, he works 40 hours, so why did you say I think the wife would be told to go out and get a job. she wouldn't. She would already have a job.

Mitel1 · 13/03/2017 14:52

First of all, I have some sympathy that you have three very young ones that you seem to spend most of the time looking after. That must be very tough.

However, you clearly exaggerate everything else. You do the mortgage applications, and the passport applications. I did that in the last week. 2-3 hours to complete both and they occur respectively about once every 2 years, and once every 10 years. You also do the bills? I assume most are actually direct debits, so you don't actually have to do anything with that.
What it boils down to is that you have a partner who presumably is up at 5am every day, and gets back home 10+ hours later. You also seem to want to have every penny he earns for the family, and so you can have the handout from your family. You say it is for the kids, but then also you say it is for treats for you. What treats does your partner get?
Granted, he should do more with the kids when he gets in, and you should use that time for your studies / working. The main issue is him doing more with the children. If he gets another job, then when exactly will he ever see his children?
Otherwise, he will work 14-15 hour days, and you get to spend all the time with the kids, get yourself treats, study something you enjoy, and take all the extra money he brings in. Not exactly fair, and not exactly showing much empathy to his position. Use some of your free time to work out what will work for your family best, and how he can involve himself better, so that you can get earning as soon as you can.
Hope it all works out soon! :-)

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 13/03/2017 14:52

I wonder if a lot of people here feel personally attacked because they share the same thoughts and work ethic as OP's OH and that is why they are trying so hard to make the OP seem lazy and spoilt when it is clear she physically has no more time to do extra?

Nope, try again.

Worked full time until I became ill. Very successfully on a very good salary. DH earns an extremely good wage.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 13/03/2017 14:56

He has a job that was provided by her family, where there is the potential to progress but he doesn't want to for whatever reason (this is probably "why bother since her family will cover us. Now back to looking at spendy coffee machines on my phone, feet up, wonder what's for dinner")

Which he would need to study for or completely change direction and go self employed.

Studying isn't for everyone.

So yeah. Not a total scrounger, but nearly.

So no, not a scrounger.

We don't know own what it is he does and only have OPs word for it that he is 'well paid'

user1471517900 · 13/03/2017 15:20

Great reply Mitel

MaryMcCarthy · 13/03/2017 15:36

Well said Mitel1. Whatever sympathy the OP deserved, and she deserves some, she eschewed by whinging about the non-job that is 'doing the bills' and wittering on as if passport renewal was something that takes more than half an hour once a decade.

Got worse when she said she's gifted money "to treat myself with" and in her next post denied it was to treat herself with. Whatever the actual truth she comes across as very entitled and was on a hiding to nothing here.

Want2bSupermum · 13/03/2017 17:27

Zil Yes he works 40 hours a week but on that wage, with 3 DC at home, you can't expect a golf membership or fancy coffee machine. The wife, if in that situation, would be told to go earn more or accept you can't have those things.

The OP is with someone who doesn't want to accept that they can't afford those nicer things in life. Actually he isn't even looking to find a job outside of the OP's family. The man either has no shame or he is completely paralyzed by her family.

He could easily get a second job on the weekend after hours and make enough in six months to pay for those extra's that he wants. Instead, the OP is using a gift to make ends meet. They actually don't earn enough to support their outgoings and he is still 'wanting' things that they can't afford.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/03/2017 17:39

I don't think working 60 hours plus per week, is anything to aspire to.
If it works for you supermum, that's lovely, but most people would rather chill out a bit and enjoy their children.
So, op, I wouldn't be asking Him to get a second job, but I would be detailing why golf memberships are a no go at the moment.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 13/03/2017 17:41

Got worse when she said she's gifted money "to treat myself with" and in her next post denied it was to treat herself with. Whatever the actual truth she comes across as very entitled and was on a hiding to nothing here.

I agree. That seems to be bottom of it.

ZilphasHatpin · 13/03/2017 18:08

The wife, if in that situation, would be told to go earn more or accept you can't have those things.

Yep. Exactly. They wouldn't be told to go out and get a job as you said.

ZilphasHatpin · 13/03/2017 18:12

The man either has no shame or he is completely paralyzed by her family.

That's a pretty disgusting comment. He has nothing to be ashamed about regarding his work ethic. He works full time and brings in a wage that exceeds minimum wage. He brings in more than OP. What planet are you on where a person should be ashamed of that?

You might be happy to work 100 hours a week but not everyone has to. Some people like to see their children.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 13/03/2017 18:16

I think the OP clearly resents having to spend Mummy & Daddy's pocket money on her children rather than 'treats' for herself. Time to grow up, get a job and quit relying on someone else to fund the lifestyle you believe you deserve.

Original poster
Kmoggy · 13/03/2017 18:24

Oh ffs it was given to me before kids as a means to treat myself not to pay my bills. ( pre partner) Over the years that has been used to pay the growing cost of living. Of course I'm not so shallow that I want to spend it on myself solely.. I'd prefer it to be used for our families luxuaries like it was initially intended. I don't get why that's so hard to understand nor do I get why I'm being torn apart for suggesting that if both my oh and I work harder to better both our incomes then we could enjoy the things that we can't currently.. I'm going to study at night when kids go to bed in order to improve my future earning potential, is it so unreasonable that he is on the same page with that?

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 13/03/2017 18:33

No, it's absolutely not unreasonable for you to WANT that - but it sounds increasingly unlikely. So you have to make a choice - and I certainly understand that being the lone parent of three small children must be a bloody terrifying prospect - I only have one. But you really aren't on the same page. Would you be able to consider a trial separation? It will either (a) Wake him up and make him realise he needs to make more effort or (b) make you realise that you can actually cope alone. I'm not having a go, OP, just trying to figure out whether it would be better going single for a while and potentially finding someone as motivated as you, or staying in a relationship where you feel a bit let down. Bloody difficult choice, I'll add.