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Original poster

To feel this way about my oh?

357 replies

Kmoggy · 12/03/2017 13:21

I'm really struggling to like my partner just now.. i haven't been happy in our relationship for about a year, had another baby 6 months ago so I'm sure that's contributed. He's not a bad guy at all.. he loves our children so much. Trouble is he has no ambition, no drive to do better for us as a family. I know he's been brought up to accept that just by having a job and being around is enough but it really isn't in my book. He is financially dependant on me.. I bring in most of the money. Granted I get private money gifted from my family each month but still that money was never to pay bills with, it was to treat myself with etc. Now we have children I just keep thinking how I could use that money for them and their futures but instead it's paying our monthly bills.
I'm going bk to work soon and will be working part time, looking after 3 under 2,s and hopefully starting some study plus running every aspect of this household. I don't have time to take on extra work. He does tho, he works 6/3 and has weekends off.. I have tried to suggest he advertises as a handy man or looks into some courses etc as he's so good with diy. But he won't and just tells me he doesn't enjoy it... he works for my uncle and brings in £20000 a year which is nothing when I think of the cost of 3 kids when they are a bit older. I just want him to want to provide for us and not happy to sit back and take from my family.
He could help more around the house too which really upsets me as today for instance I was up 3x feeding throughout the night.. I was so tired at 7am and asked him if I could get an extra hr, he said go get boys breakfast first and I'll come down when you did that.. he did come down but went bk to bed, it's 12.30 and I've just sat down. I've been cooking, cleaning etc since I got up and now he's sitting on his again. He never offers to help me or says I'll do that you sit down. He rarely cleans to standard I need and I honestly just feel so much hatred and resentment towards him just now.. don't know if we will get through this. He thinks everything is fine and has no idea I keep thinking about what would happen if we split up. I can't communicate to him ever coz he never talks back just sits quiet and never ever offers a solution to the problems in our relationship! I just feel we are 2 different. I want the very best for my kids, I'm not prepared to settle for bare minimum and he is! Although he seems to think spending money is ok on things we can't afford etc.. he wants all the nice things but he isn't pulling the money in to have them. Any advice welcome.. but I just need to get this off my chest as I have no one I can talk to about this and I don't know if there is any going be from here.

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 12/03/2017 13:53

Mermaid but OPs dh does work full time and it's still not enough for her she wants more.

Lulu1083 · 12/03/2017 13:55

I'm hoping poem learning degree was meant to be home learning!

Op you need to separate your issues. If your OH is spending too much then discuss that with him. Leave his lack of ambition and the nonsense about treating yourself with the gifted family money out of it. The breakfast thing is also off so discuss that, but he does not have to complete tasks to your standards. You're not his boss.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/03/2017 13:55

I think I feel sorry for your OH

Me too.

You are certainly coming accross as what is yours is mine and what's mine is mine too.

Willyoujustbequiet · 12/03/2017 13:55

I totally disagree with previous responses Hmm

The op only works 2 days less but does nightfeeds, the childcare and the housework. It seems very unequal to me.

I think you have every right to be pissed off.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/03/2017 13:56

about to start a poem learning degree

How will that help your family exactly? What type of job will that lead too?

WorraLiberty · 12/03/2017 13:56

Bloody hell you really do sound like hard work OP.

And what's with the 'my' kids thing? Why not 'our' kids?

Renaissance2017 · 12/03/2017 13:56

Once you allow men to start being lazy they take you for granted

Mermaid, please tell me you have a Yorkshire accent as that sounds like something Nora Batty would of said in Last of the summer wine!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 12/03/2017 13:56

YABU to feel that way about your oh.

What he's doing is fine. You sound mismatched.

You do sound spoilt in that the family money you are lucky enough to benefit from is nothing to do with anything you have achieved. Youre lucky to have rich relatives, that's all, nothing to do with your own merit.

Mermaidinthesea · 12/03/2017 13:57

I do think folk are being a bit mean on here though, my exes idea of cleaning was loading the dishwasher so badly everything was still filthy when they came out and wiping the sides with a filthy cloth so you could see bacteria laden streaks, also not sweeping the floor so it was covered in crud, leaving the cooker filthy, never ever washing any windows until you couldn't see through them - for fucks sake men are not giant toddlers some standards of cleanliness are expected.
Also what's this going back to bed at midday? It is exhausting looking after small children. We need proper effective men not sullen lazy wankers. Quite honestly I'm sick to death of men who do not pull their weight. If they cannot effectively drag a sponge over some surfaces to make them clean they they should be out there earning a decent wage for their families instead.
I've have kicked him out by now. Sorry for the rant but this really pisses me off.

Razz1eDazz1e · 12/03/2017 13:59

20,000 is nothing when you have 3 DC. It's not unreasonable for the OP to want more and to be thinking ahead.
If the DH is genuinely doing his best then fair enough, but he sounds very laid back and this would annoy me too with 3 DC.

Mermaidinthesea · 12/03/2017 13:59

Haha Renaissance no I don't, I'm from the south east. i am particularly anti men at the moment having been married to two idle spongers. I'm not get married again.

BBCNewsRave · 12/03/2017 14:01

He's working full-time - on the job front he's doing just fine!
Sounds like he could do more around the house though. If OP is looking after 3 under 2's she shouldn't have to do everything.

This is a weird mix of the OP being wildly unreasonable about the job/allowance situation, whilst having a point about the housework!

(Also, menu planning - surely that does take some time to make sure you have everything, and the actual cooking, even if it's the same meals on rotation?)

MsMarvel · 12/03/2017 14:01

Nothing to add but 😂😂😂 at 'poem learning degree' 😂😂

Your poor DP

HermioneJeanGranger · 12/03/2017 14:01

20,000 is more than anyone who earns minimum wage and works full-time earns - are you saying they're all lazy and not good enough too? Hmm

Hellmouth · 12/03/2017 14:01

Razzle
I'm assuming she knew how much he earned before they had 3 DC. It shouldn't be a surprise that it's hard to look after a family on that amount of money.

PollytheDolly · 12/03/2017 14:02

Seems you two don't have the same life goals. You want more than a simple life. Simpler the better in our marriage and life. But that works for us.

I expect your DH is happy. Have you told him any of this?

Voice0fReason · 12/03/2017 14:03

It does sound like he could be doing more to help give you a bit more sleep but if what he does isn't good enough for you then I'm not surprised that he doesn't.

You want him to work harder, longer hours & be more ambitious so you can spend that money and the money another relative gives you on treats for you and your kids. Does that seem reasonable to you?

Underthemoonlight · 12/03/2017 14:04

Mermaid I think your biased due to your own experience. Op wants her dh to work full time and then additional work. My dh is a sleep on the sette he gets up at 4/5 olcock every day for work.

Razz1eDazz1e · 12/03/2017 14:04

I'm sure people do manage on 20,000 with 3 children, but it can't be easy and who could blame anyone for having the ambition to do better?

HermioneJeanGranger · 12/03/2017 14:05

But he already works full-time. If OP wants more money, why can't she go out and earn it?

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 12/03/2017 14:08

Why the fuck have three children with him, then? (and I learned Little Miss Apathy at four - I demand my diploma)

stitchglitched · 12/03/2017 14:08

I don't understand why you would have 3 children with someone who you say isn't ambitious and doesn't earn enough and then complain that he isn't ambitious and doesn't earn enough. You knew what you were getting and people can't change who they are. He should certainly do more to help at home when you have been up doing night feeds but that has nothing to do with his salary. The stuff about your family gifting you money for treats is just odd.

SharkBastard · 12/03/2017 14:08

Why don't you swap roles, you go full time and he stays at home?

Razz1eDazz1e · 12/03/2017 14:09

She has 3 very young DC by the sound of it which is very limiting.
So what if he works full-time? It's his lack of ambition that is the issue for the OP.

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 12/03/2017 14:09

20,000 is nothing when you have 3DC

Some people are never going to earn much more than 20,000 with the qualifications they have.

If you think you can earn so much more OP why don't you go back to work full time and your partner can work part time?