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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To feel this way about my oh?

357 replies

Kmoggy · 12/03/2017 13:21

I'm really struggling to like my partner just now.. i haven't been happy in our relationship for about a year, had another baby 6 months ago so I'm sure that's contributed. He's not a bad guy at all.. he loves our children so much. Trouble is he has no ambition, no drive to do better for us as a family. I know he's been brought up to accept that just by having a job and being around is enough but it really isn't in my book. He is financially dependant on me.. I bring in most of the money. Granted I get private money gifted from my family each month but still that money was never to pay bills with, it was to treat myself with etc. Now we have children I just keep thinking how I could use that money for them and their futures but instead it's paying our monthly bills.
I'm going bk to work soon and will be working part time, looking after 3 under 2,s and hopefully starting some study plus running every aspect of this household. I don't have time to take on extra work. He does tho, he works 6/3 and has weekends off.. I have tried to suggest he advertises as a handy man or looks into some courses etc as he's so good with diy. But he won't and just tells me he doesn't enjoy it... he works for my uncle and brings in £20000 a year which is nothing when I think of the cost of 3 kids when they are a bit older. I just want him to want to provide for us and not happy to sit back and take from my family.
He could help more around the house too which really upsets me as today for instance I was up 3x feeding throughout the night.. I was so tired at 7am and asked him if I could get an extra hr, he said go get boys breakfast first and I'll come down when you did that.. he did come down but went bk to bed, it's 12.30 and I've just sat down. I've been cooking, cleaning etc since I got up and now he's sitting on his again. He never offers to help me or says I'll do that you sit down. He rarely cleans to standard I need and I honestly just feel so much hatred and resentment towards him just now.. don't know if we will get through this. He thinks everything is fine and has no idea I keep thinking about what would happen if we split up. I can't communicate to him ever coz he never talks back just sits quiet and never ever offers a solution to the problems in our relationship! I just feel we are 2 different. I want the very best for my kids, I'm not prepared to settle for bare minimum and he is! Although he seems to think spending money is ok on things we can't afford etc.. he wants all the nice things but he isn't pulling the money in to have them. Any advice welcome.. but I just need to get this off my chest as I have no one I can talk to about this and I don't know if there is any going be from here.

OP posts:
Spice22 · 12/03/2017 15:05

OP, sounds like you will be better off alone. I don't know the practicalities (I.e childcare) but your family sounds supportive and you sound driven. I wouldn't be able to respect a man like that either and wouldn't want him setting that sort of example for my children in terms of work ethic.

Btw, there is no chance in accepting help from family at whatever age. Lots of people here have free childcare (saving THOUSANDS) and others live(or have at some point) at home for free as adults.

Start making plans for your future without this man. He is weighing you down.

LadyLapsang · 12/03/2017 15:14

You really sound like you despise your DH and your poor children will pick up in this and the obvious tension in the household more than the lack of extra-curricular activities. If he starts work at 6am, then depending on his commute he is probably up before 5am, then not home until about 4pm. If he worked 9am - 6pm in an office (same hours) would you be calling him lazy? Also, unless he is really unskilled, £20,000 is not much salary - are you sure your family are not exploiting him? How did you meet? What attracted you two to each other in the first place?

gamerchick · 12/03/2017 15:14

Iwould be devastated if I felt that my DH was disappointed and even ashamed of me

This absolutely ^^ I would be well gutted and would actually end the relationship if my husband felt like this.

Maybe it's time to set him free to find someone to accept him for who he is.

dingdongthewitchisdead1 · 12/03/2017 15:15

I would let him go part time but I couldn't trust him to run the house the way it runs. I'd also expect him to take on some study if he was part time which he won't!

You don't have any respect for this man, obviously I don't know the reasons behind this but this is a huge issue.
You sound like you are very controlling and want things to run entirely on your terms.
Why must he fill any spare time with study? Why do you expect that? It's not all about the race, sometimes it's as important to stop and smell the roses and actually be content with what you've got. Peace of mind and contentment are priceless

Original poster
Kmoggy · 12/03/2017 15:19

Does it matter whether the grandparents give money or not?? A few have read into this correctly and yes it's more about his ambition than anything. My family pay him over the odds for the job he does, it was only ever meant to be a stepping stone for him and yes they help us out because they recognise his income wasn't going to be enough to keep the house etc. I'm plus it's not my lifestyle that's the prob it's his! He wants to buys extravagant things such as £400 coffee machines and £900 golf memberships! What's wrong with me thinking if he wants this kind of thing he should be trying to bring in an income to provide them!

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/03/2017 15:20

I wouldn't be able to respect a man like that either and wouldn't want him setting that sort of example for my children in terms of work ethic

What one that works full time yout mean....

SummerHouse · 12/03/2017 15:20

It sounds like you treat him as a child. Sorry OP.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/03/2017 15:21

My family pay him over the odds for the job he does

Well what is it he does then because I can't think of anything that 20k would be 'over the odds' tbh.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/03/2017 15:22

Does it matter whether the grandparents give money or not??

Errrrr well yes it does because you are having ago at your DH for not providing it yet you aren't either!

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 12/03/2017 15:25

Do you love him?

pipsqueak25 · 12/03/2017 15:27

only read opening post - words fail me tbh, life is so hard for some people and it sounds like you have it really tough.

MommaGee · 12/03/2017 15:27

Not sure where you are OP but 40k joint income plus family money isn't exactly breadline for most people. If you're family aren't happy to pay him 20k for his work then they deal with that. What does he do for work? 20k full time isn't great but it's not terrible either.

I do think that once he's home any chores left over should be split and weekend lie inside split. If he's refusing to help in the house rather than you doing it all but expecting him to mind read id run out of time to do his stuff. He can renew his own passport, do his own washing etc. Don't mommy him then complain he's mommied.

Unless he's only just decided he doesn't want to progress career wise then I think yabu to extend your family with a man you don't consider good enough.

Talk to him

Even if he doesn't reply.

Anon1234567890 · 12/03/2017 15:27

I don't mop and hover my floors every day and my DC are certainly not crawling around in the dirt. Your making a rod for your own back.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 12/03/2017 15:28

The details are unimportant, the fact is you clearly dislike him, have no respect for him, want everything done to your standards and your liking, and are absolutely unprepared to budge from what you want. If you were a man saying all this about his wife on here you would get your arse handed to you, I actually think you've had it quite easy.
Also, if you can't live a decent lifestyle on £40k + extras from your family, you need to reevaluate where your money is going.

Wellitwouldbenice · 12/03/2017 15:30

Ok. You fell for his 'dreams' and thought they were 'promises' or you heard what you wanted to hear, maybe because that suited you because you wanted to get on with having children. You now see your mistake that he's all talk and no substance. He's unlikely to change. What are you going to do next?
I do feel for you, like lots of women on here who have children with a man and seem to think he 'promised' they would get married, some time in the future... But it becomes clear they never will. There seems to be a lesson here to have in place what is necessary before children not what is 'promised' 'agreed' or assumed...

Razz1eDazz1e · 12/03/2017 15:32

OP YANBU at all.
So what if this man is working "full time". He is in a job that he has been given and this job and his family's lifestyle are subsidised by the OP's family!
The OP has 3 young DC and she needs to be able to rely on him to step up.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 12/03/2017 15:35

If your children are all under 2, then I wouldn't worry about paying for swimming and dance lessons yet. They're probably not as expensive as you're imagining. Confused

It all just sounds like real life to me, especially with 3 dc. It's hard work, exhausting and most of us have constant money worries and bills to pay. Perhaps you're just taking your frustrations out on your dh?

TENSHI · 12/03/2017 15:40

Your dh sounds like a star to put up with you.

May be list all the daily, weekly and monthly jobs and sit round a table and ask him to initial the jobs you want him to do.

Good luck.

Smitff · 12/03/2017 15:40

I think you've got some harsh responses here. A husband who is happy to earn £20k, do no housework, has 3 kids under 2, a wife who is getting up x3/night for night feeding but STILL wants her to get up to make breakfast at the weekends (even when she also works part time) is NOT thinking ahead, looking after his spouse or behaving responsibly. He should be looking at the income you get from your family as for your children, not to let him off the hook of providing for his kids. It's extra money, not "basic necessities" money.

That said, this doesn't sound like a problem you can fix without you and your kids taking a financial hit. You're stuck with him.

I suggest that you tell you parents to put 'your' income aside for your children, perhaps in a savings account in their name that only they can access to pay for swimming/ dancing etc. Then, the two of you need to sit down together and sort yourselves out: who earns what, who works how many hours, who does what housework, who looks after the kids when etc.

haveacupoftea · 12/03/2017 15:44

YABVU. He works full time and you want him to take on an extra job, more childcare and housework and even study?? You sound like a fucking nightmare to live with, I feel sorry for the poor bloke. Just because you have decided he should be ambitious doesnt mean he actually should. Maybe you should be more content with your lot and stop complaining and get on with it.

nachogazpacho · 12/03/2017 15:51

I get what you're saying op. You are doing all the housework, sorting out finances, feeding your baby in the night whilst he gets a massive lie in. You're also working p/t.

You're dh was helped out by your family and given a job. I would wonder if he'd work at all if it wasn't handed to him because the info about his lack of work at home suggests he probably wouldn't.

I can see why you find yourself feeling resentful.

But...this is who he is.

BhajiAllTheWay · 12/03/2017 15:52

Gosh OP. You do not come across well here and I'm struggling to have sympathy. You sound totally entitled and privileged. Why do you need pocket money to treat yourself?! Aren't you a grown up?? I think your DH could do a lot better if this is how resentful are are.

Willyoujustbequiet · 12/03/2017 15:52

Bloody read the damn thread before making idiotic comments about a poem degree!

Willyoujustbequiet · 12/03/2017 15:53

I think a lot of people have lost the plot today

MommaGee · 12/03/2017 15:55

Tbh op you can earn full time what you earn joint with him full time and you part time and you have to pay for cc for three kids so you go back full time, leave him with full time child care and house running