To feel this way about my oh?

[Kmoggy]

I'm really struggling to like my partner just now.. i haven't been happy in our relationship for about a year, had another baby 6 months ago so I'm sure that's contributed. He's not a bad guy at all.. he loves our children so much. Trouble is he has no ambition, no drive to do better for us as a family. I know he's been brought up to accept that just by having a job and being around is enough but it really isn't in my book. He is financially dependant on me.. I bring in most of the money. Granted I get private money gifted from my family each month but still that money was never to pay bills with, it was to treat myself with etc. Now we have children I just keep thinking how I could use that money for them and their futures but instead it's paying our monthly bills.
I'm going bk to work soon and will be working part time, looking after 3 under 2,s and hopefully starting some study plus running every aspect of this household. I don't have time to take on extra work. He does tho, he works 6/3 and has weekends off.. I have tried to suggest he advertises as a handy man or looks into some courses etc as he's so good with diy. But he won't and just tells me he doesn't enjoy it... he works for my uncle and brings in £20000 a year which is nothing when I think of the cost of 3 kids when they are a bit older. I just want him to want to provide for us and not happy to sit back and take from my family.
He could help more around the house too which really upsets me as today for instance I was up 3x feeding throughout the night.. I was so tired at 7am and asked him if I could get an extra hr, he said go get boys breakfast first and I'll come down when you did that.. he did come down but went bk to bed, it's 12.30 and I've just sat down. I've been cooking, cleaning etc since I got up and now he's sitting on his again. He never offers to help me or says I'll do that you sit down. He rarely cleans to standard I need and I honestly just feel so much hatred and resentment towards him just now.. don't know if we will get through this. He thinks everything is fine and has no idea I keep thinking about what would happen if we split up. I can't communicate to him ever coz he never talks back just sits quiet and never ever offers a solution to the problems in our relationship! I just feel we are 2 different. I want the very best for my kids, I'm not prepared to settle for bare minimum and he is! Although he seems to think spending money is ok on things we can't afford etc.. he wants all the nice things but he isn't pulling the money in to have them. Any advice welcome.. but I just need to get this off my chest as I have no one I can talk to about this and I don't know if there is any going be from here.

YABVU. My DH works full time and earns less than yours; it's hard to get well paid work when you don't have qualifications (in fact it's still hard if you do!). I don't resent this at all despite knowing from day one that I would have to be the breadwinner.

If you want to spend extras on dance and swimming lessons then that is fine - but if your JOINT household income doesn't allow for that, then yes the extra money you receive from family has to go on bills doesn't it?! If YOU want these extras, and you earn more per hour than your DH does, then it makes sense for you to work more and your DH to cut back to be at home.

Saying you would let him do that but he can't do it to your standards is ridiculous. There needs to be some give and take - he will need to step up and you will have to lower your standards a bit.

Ultimately you are coming across as quite spoiled and even lazy - you want your DH to go and work more do you can stay at home when actually it makes much more financial sense to do it the other way round.

You sound precious and entitled. His income sounds decent and he doesn't sound lazy. Be greatful your family help you regardless of what you spend it on. Honestly i think this post is by far the most annoying I've read on Mumsnet.

I think if anything you need to get in the real world yourself, we don't all have the luxury of family to substadise us and be able to do bloody poetry degrees. I mean no offence but how do you think a poetry degree will benefit your situation? Yet you have the nerve to judge him.

Well what is it he does then because I can't think of anything that 20k would be 'over the odds' tbh.
not particularly relevant to this thread, but most peoples wages really are very low in the UK.
Relevant to this thread-I can totally see how having 3 babies and a man who doesn't pull his weight around the house would lead to contempt for him. Regarding his earning power-well, if he is not minded to become more ambitious there's probably not much you can do about it, but he needs to understand he can't have the luxuries he wants.
I think the replies have been really harsh. So what if her parents help out? Lots of grandparents help out with childcare, which is an indirect financial contribution.

You sound quite driven and from a well off, ambitious family (family money, he works for your Uncle) and he sounds passive (just sits there while you try to communicate with him) It also sounds like when you met he had ambition, which was probably part of the attraction but he has now lost that side and is happy to coast. So now you find yourself mis-matched - you want to work, you have children and a home to look after and plan to take a degree, while he works and does nothing else to contribute to family life.

The only thing I can suggest is you make him listen to you, otherwise you will end up resenting him more and more. Your degree may end up with you having a good career and leaving him behind, you want a man to keep up with you, is that correct?

If I've read between the lines correctly then I do understand.

He sounds a bit lazy and op sounds like hard work.

Maybe its time for both of the to groe and not rely on her family for money.

How is she lazy?? She has 3 kids under 2!
And it's not a poetry degree FFS read the thread.

I think the fact you receive family money has come across as you being spoiled. I don't think a woman who has 3 under 2, a pt job, does all the housework, night feeds without her dh taking over for one hour and is studying is living the life of riley or has high standards.

It's her dh who is living the life. He has 3 young children and does not help his wife have even one hour in bed once a week, he doesn't do any housework or manage any of the bills. His wife's family have given him work and pay him extra. His life sounds like a piece of piss.

For those who haven't read the thread properly she is not doing a degree in learning poetry!

^That was to kelly btw

Oh and it sounds like the OP is starting to drip feed in order to make people agree with her.

I should add - your DH should absolutely be helping more with the housework and childcare though and giving you a break. Although it sounds to me like you're a bit of a perfectionist and have probably made him feel like his attempts at housework aren't good enough so why bother? Which I don't condone, but worth thinking about.

I've not read the whole thread, but just wanted to comment on your DHs earnings.
My husband works full time and earns £18000 a year. He is knackered when he gets home.

I would love it if he earned more, and had a less physical and mentally draining job - but there are no opportunities out there for anything better (anywhere near where we live anyway).
I think this is just life for most of us really.

IfNotNow my mistake, I didn't phrase that properly - no doubt the OP is doing a lot so lazy isn't the right word. But I do think that there is an element of laziness to expecting her DP, who works full time, to go and do more paid work, when she herself has he higher earning potential yet only works part time. I'm the high earner I'm my family and I accept that means I can't go part time - if the OP feels so strongly about it, then why have the luxury of working part time when her DP could do it instead?

Not read the full thread yet but some idiots need help.

9am - 5pm = full time (7 hours + 1 for lunch)
8am - 4pm = full time (7 hours + 1 for lunch)
7am - 3pm = full time (7 hours + 1 for lunch)

6am - 3pm = full time as above (7 hours + 1 for lunch) but with an extra hour for working.

It is not a POETRY degree - it's an OPEN UNI degree!

I am shocked the OP is getting such a hard time here. She has 3 children and is with man who seems content to do the bare minimum job-wise. Even the job was given to him. Her family only give her extra money because the DH doesn't earn it.

If she goes to work, even part-time there will be childcare costs. Or should her family have to step in and provide childcare as well?

This man finishes at 3pm every day. He could easily do a course to improve his future earning potential. It's absolutely ridiculous!

Should the OP just clock off at 3pm as well and leave the rest to chance?

This DH needs to get a grip.

even when she also works part time

She doesn't at the moment RTFT!

" that he only works until 3pm, 5 days"

From 6am, so 9 hours a day, 45 hours per week. That is full time Razz.

"he does sod all in the house"

OP did not say he did nothing in the house. She said he didn't do it to her standards.

Just realised that I didn't actually comment on your husbands earnings - I actually commented on my own husbands earnings!

A few people have commented that if you feel that your family needs more income, perhaps you should become the full time worker as your earning potential is higher.
I think that's how most families manage, the higher earner per hour works the most outside of the home.
Would you consider that as an option?

I am shocked the OP is getting such a hard time here. She has 3 children and is with man who seems content to do the bare minimum job-wise.

This comment and people like OP just goes to show what people think of those on low or minimum wage....

Reality check, not everyone earns big salaries!

*This man finishes at 3pm every day. He could easily do a course to improve his future earning potential. It's absolutely ridiculous!

Should the OP just clock off at 3pm as well and leave the rest to chance?

This DH needs to get a grip.*

He fucking starts work at 6AM!

If life was as easy as some people here think it is then why doesnt everyone do it. Why are there some people only ever to work on minimum wage jobs? Why are there some people who reach the limits of their capabilities in a job that pays less than the national average.

I mean, some people here thinking he should just be able to "step-up" are so detached from reality its offensive to people who work as hard as they can and will never be able to buy SAHPs a new Bentley every other week. Fuck. Sake.

Also, its apparently easy for everyone to study, learn and get more qualifications?

I am willing to bet the wankers who think this don't have 1st class degrees from Oxbridge, Post grads from LSE and PHDs from Harvard. But why not? After all, its easy.....

Some very harsh responses on this thread. I married my husband because I loved him and part of that was down to shared values and ambition.

I wanted a husband that with me would do all he could to make sure that we were never poor, I wanted to be able to be a SAHP. I wanted to travel and I wanted to have a home that my children never felt ashamed of.

If 10 years later my husband lost his drive and was happy to let our home look like a tip I would struggle. In some houses you do have to hoover etc every day:

Having 3 kids under 2 doesn't automatically make you not lazy.

If you knew he only earned 20k and you weren't happy with that why did you have kids with him? It's only recently you've had kids so it's not like you had the kids then discovered you had totally different attitudes to money?

You are not right and he is not wrong. You're just different. You bring in more than him on part time (if i read that right, or was it full time?). Loads of people work full time and only earn around £20,000. It doesn't mean they're not trying or they're lazy. If he went out to work on the weekends you'd have even more to gripe about because he'd be helping even less round the house and with the kids.

He doesn't clean to your "standard" but he cleans. So he's not lazy he's just not perfect in your eyes. To hate him so much sounds unhealthy. Seriously unhealthy.

When threads like this pop up I just imagine what the responses would be if a man wrote it about a woman.

When threads like this pop up I just imagine what the responses would be if a man wrote it about a woman.

He'd be skinned alive.