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Original poster

A man pays for coffee for a first date,,?

189 replies

mydshines · 09/03/2017 15:44

I have a date tomorrow. First date was n years. I am excited for the date for numerous reasons mainly I'm over my ex. However we are due to meet up tomorrow and he kept saying we can go to the park, for a walk.

I said no and a coffee will be fine. Anyway my friend was like you don't meet a stranger in a park .
Anyway back to the coffee date. I believe a man should pay for your coffee. Or offer to get you a next one.
Is it a complete deal breaker if you meet someone for a coffee and they don't pay. I completely split if it's like a real date
But I think we'll if at least doesn't offer it shows up a red flag.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/03/2017 21:24

But a date can have many paying opportunities! Drinks, snack, taxi/parking... and they can all be divvied up!

I've done free: National Portrait Gallery, which is very safe for a first date and no one has to put their hand in their pocket unless you extend the date (fancy a coffee, I'm buying Smile). No faux about it.

PushingThru · 09/03/2017 21:56

Just use people's attitudes to paying or receiving on dates as an indicator of their compatibility with your attitudes about the same thing! That's what dating is about!

BackforGood · 09/03/2017 23:39

OP Please answer all the posters who are asking why, as you asked him to go for a coffee, you actually think he should pay and not you, because I can't get my head round it.

I personally, can't see it's a big deal - we're talking about a coffee, not a holiday - , but, if it were an issue, then logically, as it's you that wanted to do this particular 'thing', then you are the hose, so surely it would be you that paid ?

Please explain to us why you think that is wrong ? Confused

DildoGaggins · 09/03/2017 23:44

Having a vagina does not give us the automatic right to be freeloaders.

Big red flag for me dating either gender is when the person is happy to mooch off me and doesn't even offer to pay for themselves (but this has only really happened with other women unfortunately) Sad.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/03/2017 00:27

@Lockheart good video. I agree.

What offering to pay/split/buy next time says: I value your time as well, I'm independent and pay my way, I'm capable of paying, not mean and don't expect you to carry the can on anything alone. I do not expect to do anything I don't want to do based on me owing you anything in case he's a wanker. I'M not cheap.

What never offering to pay/expecting men to pay says: I'm a bit old-fashioned. I think dating is transactional (and what exactly is women's side of that transaction?), I expect you to be more financially responsible than me. I can't/won't/don't pay my way. There are very clear sex roles and I am taking the traditionally female one.

I know which one I like. And it's served me very well.

MyheartbelongstoG · 10/03/2017 01:40

I feel embarrassed for you.

I hope HE doesn't go on a second date with you but joins mumsnet and starts a thread about you.

This has to be a wind up.

Bant · 10/03/2017 09:33

Yeah OP, sorry, but I'm siding with the majority here. While there aren't 'rules' as such, or at least so many conflicting opinions that you can't say one is correct in all cases - you asked him for a coffee, so you should pay for both of you.

Otherwise, where's the line? If you ask him to go for a meal, do you expect him to pay for it? If you order champagne, does he foot the bill for that too?

At what point do you tip over from being old fashioned, to being a gold digging freeloader?

If someone invited me for coffee and then didn't offer to pay for at least half of it, I'd quite happily say, quite loudly. "She's paying! Thanks!' To the barista, and then walk off by myself, happily sipping my latte.

SparklyMagpie · 10/03/2017 10:12

I think this guy needs to run!

I can't believe half of the crap I've read on here

HarmlessChap · 10/03/2017 10:14

The whole feminist thing is a but of a minefield.

Wasn't long ago I was called sexist for holding a door open as I went into a shop, I wouldn't let a door swing into a blokes face either and a female friend (we were at a club/gig where her partner was performing) sniped when I offered to get her a drink which I though was the least I could do seeing as she gave me a ticket for free entry!

I can't imagine its easy knowing what way to go if you're a single male. Do you offer to pay and be seen as sexist or not offer and be seen as a tight arse!

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 10/03/2017 10:16

Chivalry and feminism can co-exist.

Of course they can't! FFS. Chivalry is an out-dated concept based on women needing men's protection. Completely irrelevant to modern society. I went on one date with a guy who insisted on walking on the outside of the pavement Hmm. I pointed out it really wasn't necessary but he said it would make him "uncomfortable" not to. Apparently my feelings of comfort weren't as important as his. What a gent, eh?

I totally agree with MrsTerry about what offering to pay suggests about a date. On my first date with my current boyfriend (a meal) we split the bill. No awkwardness, no bother...bill came, we both got our cards out and one of us said "are we splitting this?", the other said "yeah". Job done! That first date was about getting to know each other a bit, deciding if we both wanted to take things any further, why wouldn't we both pay for that?

Quimby · 10/03/2017 10:27

"I would be wary of anyone who just kept their hands in their pocket the whole date and didn't offer to pay for anything."

Which is exactly why he should run a mile from the op

NeedAGoodAnswer · 10/03/2017 14:19

Wasn't long ago I was called sexist for holding a door open as I went into a shop, I wouldn't let a door swing into a blokes face either and a female friend (we were at a club/gig where her partner was performing) sniped when I offered to get her a drink which I though was the least I could do seeing as she gave me a ticket for free entry!

This is exactly what I meant by men not being able to win either way. It's confusing and unfair to them, and I sympathise! I'd really struggle to know how to handle it because they're damned if they do and damned if they don't. Well, I'm not like that! I like equality but also like to be treated special. If I invite a female friend out I would hold the door open and offer to pay, and if a man wants to date me then I wouldn't throw it back in their face if they want to do the same. What's wrong with chivalry anyway? So women don't like being treated with respect? Of course they do! Arrghh... it's ridiculous really. If we're going to get up in arms about being treated as being physically weaker and therefore deserving a level of courteousness, then we're hiding our heads in the sand really, because we ARE (for the most part) physically weaker! But I disagree with lording it over someone physically weaker, and I think being courteous is sadly misconstrued as lording it over.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 10/03/2017 14:28

I believe a man should pay for your coffee.

Because...? He has a penis? Because he is capable of earning money and you are not? Because he is superior to you? Because you are a gold-digger out for everything you can get down to the last latte?

TBH, if he doesn't and you dump him, I'm leaning towards thinking that he had quite a lucky escape.

PushingThru · 10/03/2017 14:43

Why is it 'confusing and unfair' to men that individual women have different ideas about paying for things & holding doors open or other related issues. We don't all speak with one voice. What do you suggest as a solution? Sometimes some women can be rude & impolite, but it's nothing compared to the behaviour men dish out to women. It's normally just an excuse to have a whinge about feminism, which some of you feel threatened by.

GatoradeMeBitch · 10/03/2017 14:43

Wasn't long ago I was called sexist for holding a door open as I went into a shop

Sorry to be sceptical, but did that really happen? Because it's something men seem to talk about online a LOT, but in 45 years I've never seen a woman be offended at a man for holding a door and no-one has ever mentioned being offended a man held a door for them - simply because it's something every single civilized human being does, whatever is between their legs.

PushingThru · 10/03/2017 14:45

I agree. These tales have a high likelihood of being made up.

RiverdaleJughead · 10/03/2017 14:47

You should both offer but it shouldn't be expected ... how old fashioned. One of you should offer because it's nice and generous not because he's the bloke

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/03/2017 14:54

Am I allowed to complain because I've met men who thought they had the right to touch me based on buying me dinner, a drink or anything else? That was really confusing and unfair. And frightening and soul-destroying as well.

Thankfully I understand that this shitty, criminal, nasty stuff is not done by every man.

Why can't a couple of male posters do the same with the unicorns women who don't like having a door held?

Caipir1nha · 10/03/2017 15:14

I think this is all getting very dramatic tbh.

My DH (like most men, I think) would expect to pay on a date, get the door, etc. It's just manners and being a gentleman. It does NOT mean that he thinks women are mentally inferior or "lesser" because clearly that is ridiculous. It is possible for most men (and women) to separate these things out in their mind.

Anyway, as a Pushingthru said, people tend to attract those with compatible attitudes (hopefully)! If a man prefers to pay, so what? As long as both people are happy, it's fine.

PushingThru · 10/03/2017 15:18

Very rare behaviour indeed for a woman to start a hostile exchange with a random man who is trying to be polite, regardless of her view of the gesture.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 10/03/2017 15:30

I love the mental acrobats at play on these kind of threads whereby a women who refuses to open her purse on a date sees fit to acuse the man of being 'tight' if he dares suggest going Dutch on the bill.

Back during my dating days I sadly met a few women like this who could not muster up the good grace to at least buy a round of drinks, instead dashing off to the toilets at strategic times or happy to just sit there with two empty glasses on the table. There were no second dates, such levels of entitlement are big turn off.

rightknockered · 10/03/2017 15:42

A first coffee date isn't even a proper date, it's just a meeting, especially if you met on-line. It's just too see if the person looks like their picture, do you think you might get on, etc. At least it is for me.
Subsequent dates I always go 50/50 unless the other person has extremely extravagant tastes and obviously orders the most expensive things on the menu, or constantly suggests expensive dates.

rightknockered · 10/03/2017 15:44

I think if you're the type of woman who expects the man to always pay, then that is up to you. You will find someone who thinks he should pay, and therefore has a claim over you because he has paid. It is up to you

ImperialBlether · 10/03/2017 15:46

Have you had the date yet? I just can't understand why you were worrying about this in advance.

HeeHighls · 10/03/2017 15:47

"This has to be a wind up."
Thanks My heart for the heads up. I won't be commenting, as I intended to.
I tend to forget that this site is raided by the likes of the Mail and Wright Stuff.

I contribute regularly to two other massive sites where the comments are never used by others. So why is that?