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Original poster

A man pays for coffee for a first date,,?

189 replies

mydshines · 09/03/2017 15:44

I have a date tomorrow. First date was n years. I am excited for the date for numerous reasons mainly I'm over my ex. However we are due to meet up tomorrow and he kept saying we can go to the park, for a walk.

I said no and a coffee will be fine. Anyway my friend was like you don't meet a stranger in a park .
Anyway back to the coffee date. I believe a man should pay for your coffee. Or offer to get you a next one.
Is it a complete deal breaker if you meet someone for a coffee and they don't pay. I completely split if it's like a real date
But I think we'll if at least doesn't offer it shows up a red flag.

OP posts:
Original poster
mydshines · 09/03/2017 17:56

Doesn't offer a coffee is a red flag. I will update tomorrow after my date. To me it shows that he is mean and he can't be bothered to impress me. Or perhaps we already have a coffee or other one or something.

OP posts:
SherlockStones · 09/03/2017 17:56

IToldYouIWasFreaky

Yes I am.

They may support feminist issues but they aren't feminists and I'm suspicious of any man that refers to himself as such.

Annesmyth123 · 09/03/2017 17:57

Of course a man can be a feminist.

Defn. A person who supports feminism.

BretonRose · 09/03/2017 17:57

I would usually say go Dutch or offer to pay but let him pay if he offers in a sweet way.

However, the fact that his first suggestion was a walk in the park is hinting cheapskate a bit.

CactusFred · 09/03/2017 18:00

Are you for real!?

Buy your own bloody coffee!

Original poster
mydshines · 09/03/2017 18:02

I wish I had your courage. And you were dead right to do that. Did you finish your drink. We might not get on but I would like to think he put a bit of effort.
He seems nice but I don't want to waste any more time

OP posts:
HakeLively · 09/03/2017 18:02

What will you be doing to impress him OP?

hippyhippyshake · 09/03/2017 18:08

Seriously, do men have to spend ££££ on a first date otherwise they are 'cheapskates'? What's wrong with a walk in the park. If you don't get on, then all you've lost is a couple of hours. If you get on, then it's a basis for going forward which is what anyone in the dating scene wants, isn't it?

Toobloodytired · 09/03/2017 18:10

I finished the entire date out of principal, he spent the entire time trying to put himself in a "better light", telling me how next time he would pay.

Told him "don't bother, I can pay my way, it's simply the gesture".

I don't see it as "I have a vagina so the guy has to pay".

I don't understand "feminism", I don't get it at all, maybe I'm ignorant maybe not.

I just think it's nice to have a man spoil a woman, even if it's just paying for a coffee!

My ex bought flowers but that was simply because he always had something to say sorry for.

I didn't get "gifts" or presents or whatever, just because he loved me.

He did pay for meals but then so did I.

I was the one who bought him gifts & presents!

I agree, you can tell the kind of guy he is by the first date.

Hillfarmer · 09/03/2017 18:10

If it was up to you Sherlock I'm never going to get a shag ever again! Happily the dictionary definition of a feminist does not assign gender.

How do you support an issue, btw?

Wtfdoipick · 09/03/2017 18:10

I think a man insisting on paying is a bigger red flag. Flowers on a second date as well as insisting on paying would ensure a very short second date and no third.

Ellisandra · 09/03/2017 18:11

I cannot believe you've already said you won't go on a second date if he doesn't buy your coffeeConfused

How about you decide on the second date (if he even wants one) based on his PERSONALITY?

FFS. If he offers, that's kind and thoughtful. But - how about you try being kind and thoughtful too? God forbid you should offer to pay - what with you having a vagina.

Ellisandra · 09/03/2017 18:13

And I'm totally with wtf - a man who insists on paying is a far bigger red flag than one who is just relaxed and normal and accepts your offer, or offers himself.

All this horseshit about being courted, him making an effort, impressing you...

Why don't YOU have to make an effort?

BretonRose · 09/03/2017 18:15

No, hippyhippy they don't have to spend £££. Bu they do have to put some kind of thought/effort into planning...and for a lot of men, the way to do that that comes naturally involves money.

Doesn't have to involve a lot of money. "Let's fly a kite in the park" or "Let's have a picnic in the park" would be fine. It does need to involve a bit of care and attention, and the commitment to show some politeness and make and effort.

PurpleDaisies · 09/03/2017 18:19

I am amazed that there are women who begrudge buying their own coffee on a date. Viewing not offering to pay as a "red flag" is one of the most ridiculous things I've read on here in a while.

Owlzes · 09/03/2017 18:20

If a man doesn't pay, leave him!

Where are you dating? The Moulin Rouge? Shock

Birdsbeesandtrees · 09/03/2017 18:20

I'd like to know what OP plans to do to impress the guy.

HakeLively · 09/03/2017 18:20

Owlzes that made me laugh!

HakeLively · 09/03/2017 18:21

I've asked that too Birds! I'd really like to know.

winekeepsmesane · 09/03/2017 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hippyhippyshake · 09/03/2017 18:25

But bretonrose this is the 21st century! I'm 60 and my dates back in the 70s and 80s involved two people deciding where and when to go out. Not one having to impress the other with flattery, planning and telepathically knowing what to spend/where to go/what to say etc.

expatinscotland · 09/03/2017 18:25

So basically he wants you to come along on his regular dog walk? That sounds lazy to me. I would just cancel this 'date' if I were you, but not because of the paying thing, but because you don't like dogs and he does. That's never going to work. But, as you're going, I'm going to guess he's not going to pay for your coffee or even offer to.

HappydaysArehere · 09/03/2017 18:31

Offer but would expect him to refuse. If he doesn't think your meet up us worth a cup of coffee then let it go.

TerrorTwilight · 09/03/2017 18:34

Well Sherlock, I'm a man and I'm a feminist. I'll just have to learn to live with your mistrust. Never heard anything so Hmm in my life.

Wingsofdesire · 09/03/2017 18:34

Erm, I'd offer to pay for the coffee. It's just coffee. It's nice to pay for someone else. He may of course already have got there/got it - may take the lead. I'd find it weird if one of us didn't pay for the other. But I'd probably offer, if he hadn't. And then of course you see his reaction to someone paying for the other.