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Original poster

A man pays for coffee for a first date,,?

189 replies

mydshines · 09/03/2017 15:44

I have a date tomorrow. First date was n years. I am excited for the date for numerous reasons mainly I'm over my ex. However we are due to meet up tomorrow and he kept saying we can go to the park, for a walk.

I said no and a coffee will be fine. Anyway my friend was like you don't meet a stranger in a park .
Anyway back to the coffee date. I believe a man should pay for your coffee. Or offer to get you a next one.
Is it a complete deal breaker if you meet someone for a coffee and they don't pay. I completely split if it's like a real date
But I think we'll if at least doesn't offer it shows up a red flag.

OP posts:
TheNewSchmoo · 09/03/2017 18:37

It's like the 1950s. Red flag? Seriously. I feel sorry for the poor man. Let's hope you live up to HIS standards.

ScrapThatThen · 09/03/2017 18:38

I think if you don't like walks and he does, and has a dog, I am not sure you are compatible. I do think the walk in the park suggestion is potentially a bit either cheapskate or not realising how that might feel to you.

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira · 09/03/2017 18:39

I honestly hope he doesn't pay. This poor guy doesn't know what he is letting himself into. At least that way you'll cut him loose and he won't have to start a relationship based on tests and games.

Yuck.

JustWonderingAboutThis · 09/03/2017 18:42

I would be wary of anyone who just kept their hands in their pocket the whole date and didn't offer to pay for anything.

I'd also think that if someone suggested walking their dog on a date (and that's the whole date) that the rest of your lives together wouldn't be madly exciting.

SailAwayWithMeHoney · 09/03/2017 18:45

Last time I went on a coffee date, he paid for the first drink, I paid for the second. Same as I do with friends.

If I invited a guy out for coffee, I'd assume I was paying, as it was my idea? Same as I do with friends.

SailAwayWithMeHoney · 09/03/2017 18:46

OP - just a thought...maybe he's testing to see how well you get on with his dog? Love me, love my dog? dog has to vet all newcomers for sure

LouisevilleLlama · 09/03/2017 18:49

I think it should go halves but if there's one thing the dating thread has taught me internet dating especially can be crazy, so many first dates that it may not be the first drink he's expected to pay for but like the 50th for no other reason but his penis, whilst the 50 women have had a relatively cheap time, with the majority not going on a second date probably to " pay the next time"

ShatnersWig · 09/03/2017 18:50

This bloke has no idea what he's potentially getting himself into. I have the feeling that because your ex was a cheapskate, you're going to want a future partner to somehow make up for this and you're going to expect him to pay far more on dates than you will.

Notapodling · 09/03/2017 18:51

I prefer to buy my own on a first date and certainly wouldn't consider it a red flag if he didn't offer. It's 2017 after all.

ImperialBlether · 09/03/2017 18:52

It's hard to feel sorry for a man who's walked his dog with 50 different women, though!

I was talking to a man online (didn't meet him) who was goodlooking, funny, good job etc. He was going on several dates a week and yes, with most he slept with them. If he did sleep with them, he didn't tend to see them again. He was spending about £100 on a night out and was moaning to me that it was costing him such a lot (perhaps £300 - £400 per week.)

I wasn't convinced that if I was one of those women I would have paid half.

Joffmognum · 09/03/2017 18:57

Men used to pay for dates because it was assumed they had more money than the woman. This was certainly true in the 40's, but a single childless woman has just as much earning potential as a man in 2017. I understand wanting to feel like a princess (it feels great to be treated), but he's probably like to be treated just as much. Pay for your own coffee, and if he pays for yours too, pay for the next date.

LouisevilleLlama · 09/03/2017 18:59

But is it his fault necessarily ( assuming he's a nice normal guy) that he didn't vibe with those 50 i mean after say 20 is he meant to stop because it won't look good?

MamaMagellanic · 09/03/2017 19:00

Yes he should. Tradition. You offer for the next one.

TerrorTwilight · 09/03/2017 19:03

MamaMagellanic load of balls.

ShatnersWig · 09/03/2017 19:06

Mama Some people could argue that it's tradition that a man goes out to work and a woman stays home to look after the children. That's bollocks too.

nigelforgotthepassword · 09/03/2017 19:14

Huh? But your own, buy his, he pays, who cares? It's 3 quid?
Tbh I would think it would happen organically wouldn't it-the bill will come, or you'll be at the till and whoever is nearer or picks it up would just say 'I'll get this' and think no more about it...

outabout · 09/03/2017 19:14

What a weirdly intense conversation here!
As a man I would definitely offer to pay the first coffee, perhaps the last remaining dregs of 'chivalry' but it is hardly a big deal and on the basis it is a few quid for a coffee and not a slap up meal in the Ritz nothing too remarkable. It would be nice if you then pay alternately after, in the interests of 'equality' but to analyse it as 'red flags' or whatever is simply crazy.
Turning up for an arranged date without any money so not being able to pay would be very odd on both sides.

BretonRose · 09/03/2017 19:16

Well, HippyHippy I think dates should be about both parties making an effort to be good/thoughtful/funny/impressive/kind etc to each other. Mutual effort on both sides, not no effort by anyone.Don't see why that's not 21st Century. A walk in the park is just lazy.

hippyhippyshake · 09/03/2017 19:18

Well op's only proffered coffee, that's not much more of an 'effort'.

Eolian · 09/03/2017 19:18

I believe a man should pay for your coffee.

Umm - why?

expatinscotland · 09/03/2017 19:20

I think the dog issue is the real dealbreaker. You don't like dogs. He does. Cancel.

blonde91 · 09/03/2017 19:21

So you suggested going for a coffee and you're expecting him to pay?

If he offers then that's nice but if he doesn't then I wouldn't be bothered tbh

blonde91 · 09/03/2017 19:22

Forgot to add And I definitely wouldn't be expecting it

AhNowTed · 09/03/2017 19:26

Oh my god you haven't even met and you're wondering if he's going to buy you a coffee.

Try to focus on his personality first. And he prepared to buy your own coffee. It's not 1950.

Is this really what you're bothered about.

Seriously I despair.

BretonRose · 09/03/2017 19:28

Coffee is really the minimum socially acceptable first date though HippyHippy- it is a social convention that's that what the low bar is. It's low pressure but not no effort at all.

You don't have to sit there awkwardly over a whole film/meal if it goes badly, but it is in a public place and you are committing to spending 20 minutes or so with someone. And to be fair to OP her suggestion was in response to the walk in the park..

To be honest though, I would say it doesn't really sound like either party is that keen!