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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please can I have perspective on these texts from H

238 replies

ChangedForAReason · 08/03/2017 18:42

Hi. Name changed.

Not a loaded question I just need outside perspective on the way my H talks to me (this is common but not all the time).

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

ClemDanfango · 08/03/2017 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DefinitelyOdd · 08/03/2017 23:44

Leave the fucker. I mean, he gets his knickers in a twist over the downstairs cupboard and then sends you a ranty text about it? What are you supposed to do? Leave work to tidy it?

I am, by my own admission, a messy and fairly lazy person once I get home. If my OH ever dreamed of speaking to me in such a shitty manner I would go nuclear. But he won't because he isn't a mental twat like this man seems to be.

(Buy him a dictionary and pop your divorce papers in. Then when he sends you shitty messages he might use the right words.)

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 08/03/2017 23:55

Love the dictionary idea!

Actually, Eats, Shoots and Leaves is more digestible for the grammatically under-endowed.

HumpMeBogart · 09/03/2017 01:57

When I read his texts, I had an image in my mind of this pathetic red-faced man shouting at you, and punctuating his words with jabs of his finger to ram the point home.

He is a piece of shit.

I grew up in a house like this - believe me, your kids know. The closed doors, the tense atmosphere, the weird silences, the way you and your Bastard H are around each other... even if he's polite in front of the kids, your body language gives it away. Your kids have lived with you their whole lives - you think they wouldn't know when you're unhappy?

Please please please do them a massive favour and take them out of this toxic environment. Imagine waking up knowing you never have to take this crap ever again - how liberating does it feel?

TheStoic · 09/03/2017 04:48

If he works from home he may find it hard as he can't avoid living in as well as working in the mess.

If so, he could...I don't know...clean?

Oh that's right, he's literally allergic so probably can't go near mess in case it kills him.

I was about to say OP that he thinks he's smarter than you, but I see he has actually said that to you. Literally.

Do you think your kids would be ok with you being abused in order to maintain their current life?

Dinnerout1 · 09/03/2017 05:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PollytheDolly · 09/03/2017 05:10

All those ???!!! Would piss me right off.

My response would have been "fuck off then".

MsGameandWatch · 09/03/2017 05:27

I will bet he opened that cupboard and realised he was going to actually have to do a few things himself and that made him rage because ultimately he sees himself as the priority and above all that kind of thing - domestic work. I will bet he was practically slobbering with rage and preoccupied with getting to his phone and dishing out his telling off and expelling that rage onto you. My ex used to send me messages like that and far worse to be honest. Still does on occasion. I too was thick, dirty, should crawl back into the hole I crawled out of etc. I used to post about him a lot on here. I used to say but he's a good Dad, how can I wreck my kids world and so on. I now realise that it was a combination of being so worn down from abuse that I literally couldn't contemplate the upheaval that making him leave would bring and being frightened of what he was capable of doing to me not to mention the deep rooted fear that maybe he would get the kids and home - mine used to threaten to report me to social services. I'm reading the same kind of fear in your posts and that fear creates the inability to act and so you just shut down and try and get through the day hoping he will change and see who you really are. He won't and by the time it's finally finished you'll be a shell and your children will be damaged by his behaviour and watching their mother be abused and disrespected. Please try to find the strength to leave him. No one deserves to be spoken to like that.

Bluntness100 · 09/03/2017 05:38

He's clearly unhappy in himself and I suspect a bully. He is treating you very badly. I can't imagine my husband sending me a text like that, the fallout would be huge. And quite frankly why is it your job to clean the cupboard.

I think though he's unhappy in himself, and so he's bullying you, wants to be the big man and you do everything for him. I think basically you need to see s solicitor and end it. You might think the kids would be happier where they are but the truth is they will know the relationship isn't right and they have two very unhappy parents.

Bluntness100 · 09/03/2017 05:41

I am also curious about him referring to himself in the third person "your husband" and also the. Referring to "your marriage" not "our marriage". Isn't that a sign of mental health issues?

He then immediately follows it up with a threat on the kids, so clearly doesn't want you to leave him, he wants you to stay and take it. There was no need for the second text it was a safety measure in case you consider leaving him.

intheknickersoftime · 09/03/2017 05:43

Dinner out rtft!!! Op has said she has not responded.

WorldWideWish · 09/03/2017 05:44

OP, I've been with my DH for a similar length of time to you. I'm also messier than him (even though I work part time and he works full time).

I can't tell you how devastated I would be to receive this text from my DH. And you say he speaks like this to you 35% of the time?

He has no respect for you.

AnyFucker · 09/03/2017 05:49

dinner try not to be a cunt, there's a dear

AyeAmarok · 09/03/2017 06:06

Oh that's right, he's literally allergic so probably can't go near mess in case it kills him.

Seriously OP, this is not good. But he clearly knows you're smarter than him and that is really bothering him.

Teabay · 09/03/2017 06:20

Hi changed

I was you! Educated, untidy, working full time, DC, nearly 20 yrs in, spoken to and addressed in EXACTLY the same unkind, unloving way.

Last year I divorced him - he was shocked, sobbing, didn't know why, then furious, was all about the money etc.

I was REALLY worried about how my DC would survive the dismantling of the family and also of what people would say - I'd been a good liar and hidden his cruelty.

I now am only friends with people who are kind to me, as I always am to them. DC can hear their father on the phone bring a harsh, abusive twatface and I KNOW I did the right thing for them.

You will too - we believe you, it is ok for you to leave him - it doesn't have to be bad enough!!

When your DC bring home a new love who speaks to them like this, you'll want them to dump them, but you'll only be able to think that YOU showed them what a relationship looked like!

He'll survive cockroaches always do

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/03/2017 06:21

You really need to stop this abuse. The only person you can change is you. You either need some very intense counselling to enable you to stand up to this bully. And I don't see how you would have time for this as you work and seem to do the lions share of the household duties. Or you need to walk away to protect both you and your children.

This man has no right to treat you like this. And yes, I agree with a pp. He's boosting his self worth by berating you. So he likely has very low self esteem. You need to walk away and change this dynamic as your children are going to be very damaged and see this as normal behaviour.

Deadsouls · 09/03/2017 06:21

dinner
Did you not read the thread from the beginning? If so, you would see that these types of text messages are symptomatic of a general and pervasive pattern of a abuse that has been continuing for a number of years.

WelshMoth · 09/03/2017 07:11

Stand up for yourself OP.
What will happen if you do?

rainbowdash888 · 09/03/2017 07:36

You wouldn't have posted OP if you thought this was okay. It's disgusting to call you a 'dirty chav' and demean and belittle you. I would tell me husband to fuck right off with messages like that.
If you aren't prepared to leave him then I'm not sure what to suggest, but I don't know why you love him when he is abusing you.
Best of luck, it's not easy to end a marriage and I can see why you don't want to but you are being verbally abused with regularity and you shouldn't have to.

Original poster

ChangedForAReason · 09/03/2017 08:03

Thank you everyone for these replies, it has been hugely helpful.

I will make an appointment to see a solicitor and get some advice. It feels like standing at the bottom of a huge mountain without any of the right gear and unsure if I should take my kids all the way up without knowing what is on the other side. But I'll take this first step. Thank you.

OP posts:

Tatiannatomasina · 09/03/2017 08:46

I am quite messy. My husband knows it. I know it. Not once in 9 years has he ever called me a name over it or sent me vile messages. You are worth so much more than that nasty prick. I guarentee once you lose him you will gain your self respect and realise what an enormous knob he truely is. My first husband was just like yours, right down to the horrible tone. I got shut of him so fast his head nearly fell off from spinning. When he saw me in the street he was a stammering wreck. Not so bloody fussy about my cleaning then? Dig deep, tell yourself you are strong and do what has to be done. And i dont mean clean the feckin cubboard 😁

TENSHI · 09/03/2017 09:21

Start by being YOU. Doesn't matter what his reaction is (unless he's violent then you need the police to know asap what you've had to put up with).

Don't stress by anything he says, try and detach and don't react. Just make copies of everything, record everything.

Keep a diary so you have something to show for everything he says and does.

You are cleverer than you think. He is totally in the wrong. It's not going to be about cowtowing to his demands and walking on eggshells and caving in to the bully...you have dc, you need to stand up for what is right!

You are on the first rung up the mountain to your new life op, well done!

Deadsouls · 09/03/2017 09:25

Dear OP I totally understand how insurmountable it feels right now. And also how even if you do start to realise that you're being abused, it still takes a while to act on it and leave. It means changing your whole life. You can only do what you can do in a day, meaning you don't have to do it all at once. From my experience of emotional abuse, it's insidious and drip-drip-drip where it's gets to the point where your self esteem is so eroded that you can even trust your own perceptions anymore, and you start second guessing and doubting yourself. From that place it can feel hard to gather up your power and decide 'no more'. But you know I think deep down that it's not right. You don't have to live this way.

Deadsouls · 09/03/2017 09:25

*can't even

Wingsofdesire · 09/03/2017 09:41

He's just horrible.

Tbh if anyone in authority saw this then his chances 'in court' would be v much compromised ...

I'm so sorry. How miserable to be spoken to like that. I don't know how often he does that, but he isn't nice. I do not know what you can do but no, those texts aren't ok. :(

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