Please can I have perspective on these texts from H

[ChangedForAReason]

Hi. Name changed.

Not a loaded question I just need outside perspective on the way my H talks to me (this is common but not all the time).

Thanks in advance.

I just despair when I read about women who love men who treat them like this. Bit like how dogs whimper and seek approval by being soppy and submissive to the person who kicks them.

Warped and dysfunctional.

You'd rather put your dc's material needs before your self respect.

Carry on then op. He's obviously aware he's inferior educationally to you hence he's belittling and humiliating you to make himself feel better.

He can't take your dc and house/assets away from you so that is an empty threat for starters.

If you do want to stop this awful dynamic then please take all the advice wise MNers give you.

You deserve far more. Do you think his behaviour is a good role model for your dc to copy/learn from?

Everything he says and does to you they are learning from op and don't think they don't know, they do.

I used to think I 'loved' someone who treated me like that. I didn't love him. I didn't know what love was. I was scared of change, of being wrong, and that he might be right. Change is really okay. I wasn't wrong. He wasn't right. It's no way to spend your life. You said 35% of the time he's like this. You cannot be happy and feel loved when he treats you like this 35% of the time.

Our home is not a hygiene hazard. I am haphazard by nature but have improved over the years (or maybe just grown up )with help from Marie Kondo et al.

I am definitely messier than him though; 100%.

You might be messy but he is a cunt

You work ft out of the house and he works from home?

DH and I had huge issues with when we were in a similar situation.
I wanted to be at home more and resented him bitterly. He was scared he'd be left holding the baby and envied me dreadfully.

We split for a couple of years over it but would never have spoken to each other so contemptuously. Those texts are horrible.

You both have to address this straight away. This level of resentment is a fix or leave issue.
Please don't let him speak to you like this any more. It's not your fault he's unhappy.

He doesn't even have to commute to work every day, but it's your job to keep the cupboards tidy? And frankly, what you had in your understairs cupboard was precisely what those cupboards are for, so God knows how he thinks that's chavvy. He must be massively insecure if he keeps telling you he's cleverer than you, particularly with that appalling spelling. His knowledge of the law is rubbish also.

Seriously, you cannot believe that your children aren't aware of what is going on. They will certainly be picking it up, and it will certainly harm them. Please get legal advice from a good family lawyer ASAP.

I would give him a choice: he either get some therapy & make a measurable improvement on the control freak front (ie 30 days without an attempt to control or pass judgment on your behaviour) , or pack his bags & go right now .

I can't believe you are still discussing how messy you actually are. Whether you are a neat freak or completely slovenly matters not a jot and could never justify the way he speaks to you.

You can kid yourself that the children will grow up in the same house as him but oblivious to his abuse. You can tell yourself that they don't see/hear/feel the atmosphere that surrounds him. But none of that is true.

I have been divorced for many years and occasionally I think it would be nice to be with someone again. Never, ever in my wildest nightmares would I swap a minute of my life with my DC for the shite you are putting yourself and your DC through.

However accrimonious and painful a separation can be (and I know what that means), it would be worth every second to be free of the kind of abuse and disrespect you seem to think is your lot.

For your and your DC's sake, I really hope can you give your head a shake and get out.

Wouldn't life be so much better without being spoken to like this? He's been undermining you & threatening you with how terrible your life would be without him. You need some legal advice to appreciate how baseless his threats are.

MuttsNutts, I know you're speaking the truth. But in the cold light of day it always seems too much like an overreaction, too disproportionate a response to seek the kind of upheaval this means. I'm scared of doing the wrong thing by the kids. They would hate it. Trust me please on this.

I keep circling back round to being stuck here. I will get legal advice though - I am deeply unhappy. Nobody at all knows IRL except my best friend.

1. OP do you know what a narcissist is? As in someone with narcissistic personality disorder? You DH, whether or not, he fits the criteria shows several traits. These are huge red flags. And you say he's been like this for years? That must be miserable for you.

1. No he is incorrect about the legalities if you split up. He is trying to intimidate and bully you, and scare you, possibly into staying. Do you know what gaslighting is? This man is gaslighting you.

What the actual fuck ? He is a first class dick head. Cheeky fucker

WTF would have been my reply or habe you been sniffing the glue again .

But honestly why couldnt he clean the understairs if it was such a problem .also it might be good idear to point out that just because you have tits and a fanny dosnt mean you do all the cleaning .

I have to be honest im as forward as they come and have no problem calling abyone out on there behaviour .

Remeber you dont have to stay your life was much better before he exsisted and it will be mich better once hes gone and can see you reapect your self .

You sound an amazing lady who has forgotton what shes worth rember you are amazing always have been always will be

Op that's the same way my soon to be ExH would regularly text me just after we parted when he ramped up the intimidation/aggressiveness

Its just not on. He has no respect for you as a person, let alone his wife.

...also, its typical of an abusive man to threaten "fighting for his children in court".

He wants to minimize you and make you feel utterly inferior and powerless.

Stand up to him with all your might

Lets switch this round - you haven't said if you have daughters/sons of your 3 children, but lets say you have a daughter and one day she showed you her phone with the above texts from her partner - WWYD?

He is SO insecure. He thinks that the more he belittles you and demoralises you and threatens you, the less likely you are to answer back or leave him.

FYI, re the house equity - he is SO wrong. My GPs contributed all of our deposit, exH contributed nothing - when I split with exH 13 months later, because it hadn't been documented as my deposit, equity was divided 50/50. Grrrr.

If he wants it tidy to his standard he should do it himself. If I was you I'd leave, they won't give him custody just because of untidyness

How old are the children? I do understand as my stbxh would speak to me abusively in private, never in front of the children.He only once let the mask slip but didnt make that mistake again.

However my older dc knew I was very unhappy and whilst knowing it was going to be hard supported me to leave.She just kept asking me "how long could I go on being unhappy".

My children were all thriving, but I did finally get the courage to ask him to leave.Yes it is sad for them but it would not get better.

Please start reading Lundyour and also the Verbally Abusive relationship.Keep a journal so you can track the incidents and how you are feeling.

Ultimately you deserve to be treated with respect.I was unhappy and I think it must have impacted how I was a mother.I was sad, perhaps irritable and certainly not as much fun.
When he first left I was certainly happier, it was as if I could smile and relax.

Look to the future, you are a young women, are you really going to manage to tolerate this for 20 or 30 years?

He sounds really unhappy, probably in himself but also in your relationship.

The text was very provocative, looking for a reaction...do you talk and spend time together at all?

Living with someone who is messy can be hard especially if he has control issues.

If he works from home he may find it hard as he can't avoid living in as well as working in the mess.

Talk.

Ugh

Yeah the wellies in the cupboard under the stairs must be really hard for him to put up with.

I really think you have to call his bluff or get rid. Tell him that you will not accept being spoken to like that, and that he needs to do his share around the house before he so much as dares criticise what you do. Tell him also that his threat of getting divorced holds no terrors for you, in fact if he won't change his ways you would welcome it. Tell him quite seriously that you will not allow your children to be brought up in a household where one parent thinks it's OK to treat the other one that way.

For all you say your children would hate it if you booted him out, they will hate it more growing up in this sort of atmosphere.

He's an arsehole. A threatening, verbally abusive arsehole.

Tell him he's as thick as shit because he doesn't know what literally means. or the difference between the words effect and affect.

If/when you leave this man, you will day by day grow back into the person you were before this twat ground you down. Your children will not appreciate the initial change but they will once they get to see happy Mummy all the time

You will also be teaching them what minimum standards they should put up with in their future relationships. And although you think they don't know...they know.

Yeah the wellies in the cupboard under the stairs must be really hard for him to put up with.

Seriously he sounds like an absolute disrespectful ogre of a man to live with. You don't have to keep living with him.