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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I really so stupid? DH has been sexually abusing me.

155 replies

RubyWhichOne · 27/02/2017 13:14

Really can't believe I'm actually writing this. I have NC for this, long term MNetter here. I would love some support, please don't judge. This is 1st time I'm actually talking about thisSad

I stumbled across a thread here about DP photographing OP while asleep, touching her and masturbating, and I was basically just reading what has been happening to me.
Been together 13 years, married 7 years. I have been ignoring his sexual behaviour way too long... 4 years ago I saw some photos on his phone of my bottom taken while I’ve been sleeping, confronted him, I was very upset and shouted at him. He was sorry, said he didn’t know why he took them. But we still continued living as normal, didn’t talk about anymore. Since then there has been countless of times when I wake up middle of the night, him masturbating and sometimes having his other hand on my bottom or sometimes trying to rub himself against me. Now, I have never confronted him about those times… I feel scared to do that. Not that he would become violent, just scared and frozen. Or ashamed. Probably ashamed. Have I normalised his behaviour? There might have been more photos taken, I don’t know. I DO know though, that 4 years ago wasn’t his 1st time. Again, I had chosen to ignore this.

Reading responses to this other thread has been eyeopener for me. I have never thought of it as sexual abuse. Some of you might think it’s so sick and disgusting, how can a person live like this. But seems like some canSad Now writing this down, I can honestly say I think I have been feeling so ashamed that I can’t even talk to DH about it, or confront him.

I don’t feel like I have anyone in RL to talk about this, really need to get my head around this..
I know I want to end our marriage. I have been emotionally distancing myself from him for few years now, I don’t love him. Yet, this is still going on and I’m not doing anything about it. He's great dad, everyone (including my family) just adores him. We do go out, go on holidays, have a laugh.
Where do you start? We have two kids too, that’s why I feel I MUST leave him. Even if he’ll never ever do this to our kids, I just can’t continue living like this.

Sorry it’s so long. I really needed to write it all down. That’s probably the bravest thing I’ve done in years.

OP posts:
robinofsherwood · 27/02/2017 13:32

Hi, I dont have any advice just wanted to say well done for your bravery. Its a horrible thing to face up to, Im so sorry

AnyFucker · 27/02/2017 13:38

Had you thought about speaking to an organisation like Women's Aid or Rape Crisis ?

Sounds like you really need some robust support. What about reaching out to one trusted family member or friend ? Make it teal. You can only start to feel better x

AnyFucker · 27/02/2017 13:39

*real

Honeyandfizz · 27/02/2017 13:43

I was going to say similar to anyfucker. You need specialist help and a good friend to confide in/counsellor.

Adora10 · 27/02/2017 13:48

Yes you must leave him OP, what he is doing is all kinds of wrong; and I'm afraid if he's capable of that then he's capable of worse, please get away asap.

abbsisspartacus · 27/02/2017 14:03

Many of us have normalised abuse at one time or another I'm no exception talk to woman's aid they are very good

AhNowTed · 27/02/2017 14:40

Ruby can you confirm if I have this right. You once caught him with pics of your bum. He masturbates while you're asleep and puts his had on your bum.

Ok so the photos are a bit ugh but come on, this is hardly LTB territory.

The responses you've had are way over the top.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 27/02/2017 14:43

You have nothing to feel ashamed for, you have done nothing wrong, at all. I'm sorry that this has been done to you and well done for opening up on here about it. That must have been really hard for you. Flowers
PP are right, Women's Aid would be a good place to start, they'll offer support and advice in confidence. The Freedom programme is very good too, it helps you to understand what's been happening and process it all. Best of luck OP, please remember, you are not in the wrong, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2017 14:43

I don't think you know what you are talking about, Ted

He photographs and wanks over her while she sleeps. The photos could have been shared anywhere. It's a thing apparently and the attraction for these perves is the lack of consent.

Unless you think men are entitled to use their wife's bodies in any way they like ?

Branleuse · 27/02/2017 14:44

is there more to this than youre saying in your OP?

If you want to leave, you can leave for whatever reason you want, but from what youve said, it seems like a far stretch to call him an abuser

AnyFucker · 27/02/2017 15:01

For Christ's sake, can we not do this ?

Op refers to a previous thread and says the same thing has been happening to her.

She feels she has been violated. If you don't think she has because you are ok to do similarly fucked up things in your own relationships please don't try to fucking gaslight a clearly vulnerable woman.

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 27/02/2017 15:04

Are the posters minimising this women? If so I'm very shocked and also saddened by it. Being in a long term or sexual relationship doesn't give someone the right to violate you at any time. Consent for any sexual activity is still necessary, every single time. It doesn't matter if you've been to extreme of sexual behaviour in the past or not, consent is still required each and every time.

AhNowTed · 27/02/2017 15:13

Unless you think men are entitled to use their wife's bodies in any way they like ?

AF No, and this is not the case here. OP told her husband she didn't want him taking photos and as far as she knows he hasn't since. No one said he 'wanks over her' - he wanks while she's asleep, there's a difference, and wanking is perfectly normal behaviour. And suggesting he might share photos of the OP's bum is a stretch.. he is her husband of 13 years who's crimes so far amount to photographing her bum without consent and wanking while in bed beside her.

RyanStartedTheFire · 27/02/2017 15:17

How gracious of him to stop taking photos of her intimate areas without her consent Hmm that alone is LTB territory, never mind anything else. Jeez.

Adora10 · 27/02/2017 15:17

In utter shock at folk normalising this; it's fucked up, it's not normal!

welshmist · 27/02/2017 15:17

I wonder why he does not wake her up and ask for sex or have sex before she goes to sleep. tbh I am a bit out of my depth here is it a perversion or does he just find it easier to relieve himself not realising he is waking her.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2017 15:18

I am sick of arguing with minimisers and fucking manpleasers, so I shall simply not engage.

Op, you have every right to feel as you do. It seems that other thread has deeply shocked you. Please seek some support in RL from someone you trust.

Original poster
RubyWhichOne · 27/02/2017 15:18

See, AhNowTed is saying exactly what I've been thinking all these years. I've been ok with it. Thinking it's normal behaviour for a man. Maybe it is? But I'm not ok with this, it's bothering me all the time. Reading this other thread made me seriously think about the situation and I don't feel ok about it. I have no idea how many times he has taken photos of me, or if been more than 'just hand on my bum' while wanking. I can't trust him in bed, started sleeping in pj's. Every time he turns and tosses in bed, and it wakes me, I do feel uncomfortable and scared he'll do it again. Also, every time I've woken to his rubbing against me or masturbating, he stops suddenly and pretends to sleep. It's not even trying to wake me and see if I'm in the mood for sex.

Thank you everyone for your messages btw, I don't feel in danger from him but I do know I want to leave him. I guess me posting here is kind of making it real?

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 27/02/2017 15:18

Countless times she wakes to him masturbating, touching her bottom and rubbing himself against her. He has taken photos.
He is using her body without her consent. She is upset. She is allowed to be.

Sorry OP. Flowers

What do you want to do? I suppose it is possible he doesn't understand what a betrayal of trust this is, and how sickened you feel about it. How do you feel about him, now you have worked this out?

Adora10 · 27/02/2017 15:18

Yeah who needs consent Ted, after all they've been together years, surely he can do what the fuck he likes with her body, as long as she knows nothing about it, what's the harm.

You are a joke.

PrivatePike · 27/02/2017 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

picklemepopcorn · 27/02/2017 15:20

Ok, so that is even clearer. Well done OP. You know what you need to do next, I think.

Adora10 · 27/02/2017 15:20

Thinking it's normal behaviour for a man.

God no, and you have realised that, well done OP for having enough respect (and common sense) to know this is not on and I am glad you are getting away from the creep.

RyanStartedTheFire · 27/02/2017 15:21

What a bloody creep Ruby, he has made you feel uncomfortable in your own home. I'm sorry you've gone through this. Flowers leaving him is the right thing to do. 100%.

HerOtherHalf · 27/02/2017 15:22

I can see where you are coming from to some extent Ted. However, the OP is clearly concerned, dealing with all sorts of negative emotions and reaching out for support. I think she needs the opportunity to talk this through a bit more before the full extent (or lack) of abuse is clear. Can we perhaps be a little more cognitive of her feelings before rushing to judge?

Personally, I tend to err towards if someone feels they are being violated or abused then they generally are, but maybe I'm a conservative when it comes to such matters.

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