Am I really so stupid? DH has been sexually abusing me.

[RubyWhichOne]

Really can't believe I'm actually writing this. I have NC for this, long term MNetter here. I would love some support, please don't judge. This is 1st time I'm actually talking about this

I stumbled across a thread here about DP photographing OP while asleep, touching her and masturbating, and I was basically just reading what has been happening to me.
Been together 13 years, married 7 years. I have been ignoring his sexual behaviour way too long... 4 years ago I saw some photos on his phone of my bottom taken while I’ve been sleeping, confronted him, I was very upset and shouted at him. He was sorry, said he didn’t know why he took them. But we still continued living as normal, didn’t talk about anymore. Since then there has been countless of times when I wake up middle of the night, him masturbating and sometimes having his other hand on my bottom or sometimes trying to rub himself against me. Now, I have never confronted him about those times… I feel scared to do that. Not that he would become violent, just scared and frozen. Or ashamed. Probably ashamed. Have I normalised his behaviour? There might have been more photos taken, I don’t know. I DO know though, that 4 years ago wasn’t his 1st time. Again, I had chosen to ignore this.

Reading responses to this other thread has been eyeopener for me. I have never thought of it as sexual abuse. Some of you might think it’s so sick and disgusting, how can a person live like this. But seems like some can Now writing this down, I can honestly say I think I have been feeling so ashamed that I can’t even talk to DH about it, or confront him.

I don’t feel like I have anyone in RL to talk about this, really need to get my head around this..
I know I want to end our marriage. I have been emotionally distancing myself from him for few years now, I don’t love him. Yet, this is still going on and I’m not doing anything about it. He's great dad, everyone (including my family) just adores him. We do go out, go on holidays, have a laugh.
Where do you start? We have two kids too, that’s why I feel I MUST leave him. Even if he’ll never ever do this to our kids, I just can’t continue living like this.

Sorry it’s so long. I really needed to write it all down. That’s probably the bravest thing I’ve done in years.

Surely you say " Oi you dirty fucker don't be doing that or you'll be in the spare room

And it is victim blaming rubbish like that Dreadful which makes folk like the op feel even worse! Choosing to marry does not give someone carte blanche over your body.

The pp wasn't victim blaming there at all. She means that's why she needs counselling because that would be the normal response. There is no question that what the DH is doing is wrong. The fact that the op couldn't say that, is why she needs to explore why she couldn't, so that she doesn't put up with shit behaviour like that in the future.

Quite.

I am not victim blaming at all. But you can't change other people's behaviour , you can only change your response to it.Why is it all about blame? Op can leave the relationship or try and sort it. Either way she will need to learn from this relationship.

I mentioned marriage because I would say LTB if Op was talking about bloke who was doing this in a new relationship. To me it would indicate he wasn't a good bet as a future partner.
I would also probably say something different if it was a sixteen year boy and his girlfriend. More along the lines of stupidity/ignorance and hormones perhaps .
However clearly if you have known and then been married to a person as well as the Op does, it's about the dynamics of the relationship as much as him abusing her.

Surely you say " Oi you dirty fucker don't be doing that or you'll be in the spare room
This feels actually hurtful. I'm glad there are people out there who can do this. If everyone could say that in any uncomfortable/dangerous/etc situation, women in domestic abuse situations, rape victims, etc that would be amazing. But it's not straightforward.
Ok, my situation is not dangerous and so far I haven't thought of it as using me or violating me but even then I just couldn't say anything. Just trying to ignore and making it normal, if it's a person you have been building life together and have kids with, it actually makes it harder to say 'no'. You wanna keep your family together and end up brushing over the bad stuff.

Op I think speaking to a professional is a good idea. You have nothing to feel ashamed about and maybe speaking to a professional will help you through that.

Truthfully at first I thought 'Yh it's a bit gross of him but I don't think that's sexual abuse'

And then I thought about how when my partner used to try and initiate sex while I was sleeping, i.e. Wake me up with kissing and light touching. And I always hated it. Made me feel really caught out and not in control so he never did it again.

And then imagined how it would feel if I found pictures on his phone of my body without my consent.

And now I think you are very brave and I wish I could send you chocolate cake and a hug and flowers because what he has done is disgusting and you feeling ashamed has made me want to cry for you.

Please speak to a professional and be kind to yourself.

Xx

Thanks Mama, and yes, you can always send me some chocolate cake

DH has done it too, waking me up with touching and kissing, and I've been fine with it. Yes, sometimes I'm not in the mood but he knows he can try. It just creeps me out when I wake up to his 'me time' and he suddenly stops and pretends to sleep.

Hi Ruby

I just wanted to come back to you and say that your course of action (writing it down so it’s clear in your head, hopefully speaking to your DH and seeking counselling) is completely right. I hope you gain the courage to speak to your DH, and counselling for you will I hope help you to do that.

I am very concerned however that some posters seem to be jumping to all sorts of conclusions which you must find somewhat frightening - from outrageous suggestions that he’s not fit to be around your children, unfounded assertions that he is sharing the photos, and others saying there must be more to this, again unfounded - without any knowledge whatsoever.

You know your relationship and your husband. I am not minimising the situation for you, and you have made it very plain that you are very uncomfortable with his nocturnal actions.

You seem to have come a long way in the last 24 hours. Well done. I sincerely hope you find a way to tell your husband how you feel, and he in turn respects you and your body, and you find a way forward.

Maybe he THINKS what he is doing is normal. Maybe if he had the slightest idea that you felt the way you do, it would never have happened again, he'd be mortified and maybe then you could have worked through whatever was compelling him to do such a thing?

Maybe not. But you never know?

I am totally empathetic OP. Pls don't think I'm not. I'm just struggling to understand how a wife cannot speak to her own husband about such an issue? Forgive me, but aren't marriages supposed to be the closest relationship you'll ever have? If you can't tell your husband about your feelings then.....

Sorry if that sounds blunt. I just have that way with my words sometimes! I'm a 'straight to the point' Yorkshire woman!

I'm not sure I would leave someone over that but I'm not going through what you are, so I cannot fully relate in that way. If you feel that leaving is what is right for you, then you do what is right for you.

Either way, I hope you find peace with it. Good luck

AhNowTed thank you. I think I've had sort of lightbulb moment and all little things I've been ignoring are coming back to me. This letter writing has been good, I wish it all happened much sooner though.

It doesn't matter whether other posters say they would not be disturbed, shocked, creeped out or feel violated by this. Please take no notice. The only thing is how you feel about it, and if you feel any or all of the above, it is very wrong of your husband to do it. I hope you can find some help and support.

Ruby, don’t beat yourself up about the eureka moment. It doesn’t matter now.. you got there. Keep your resolve, and try to find the courage to tell your husband. If he’s a decent man he will understand.

unfounded assertions that he is sharing the photos

So again, you keep minimising this behaviour, Jesus, cos most normal folk do this Ted don't they, they take pics and videos of their partner sexually whilst sleeping - and don't show them to anyone else, no, no, of course they don't; would you honestly be willing to take that chance yourself, doubt it!

Sorry Ruby, I am not, and neither is anyone else who thinks what he is doing is completely wrong and vile, trying to upset you or make up anything outrageous.

I think it has become your normal because we all become used to a situation over time.

Unfortunately, HE has put you in a position now where you do indeed have to think about not just your safety, but that of your children; do not ever devalue that, you and your children matter plenty.

Good luck, stay strong, and ensure he has no means to doing this to you anymore.

He's great dad, everyone (including my family) just adores him. We do go out, go on holidays, have a laugh.

Ruby you must do what you believe is right for your immediate family, however, you are going to cause some confusion and no doubt worry to your outer family because you have kept quiet so long. You need to open up a little to them for their support. I wish you the best for the future.

Adora, who said anything about videos.

And why do you think that a photo is automatically shared. Honestly that is ridiculous.

You may, but not everyone shares their photos on social media.. what makes you think they do? I certainly don’t.

You are frightening the OP unnecessarily with your preconceived ideas.

The OP has found a way forward. Can I suggest you leave her to it without making outrageous and unfounded assertions.

"If you want sexual access to another body to masturbate, you need the consent of the person that body belongs to. "

^^this.

It's obvious why the OP has waited so long - she has tried to minimise her feelings.

So let's not do that here.

Sending strength and love OP, you must make plans to separate to heal and feel safe. My exh behaved in this way and after I shut down emotionally and started sleeping in clothes, regularly telling him no and putting up barriers he took to masturbating in the kitchen always leaving the soiled kitchen towel in plain view on otherwise clear surfaces for me to find in the mornings. It was my punishment but ultimately confirmed that he had control issues around sex. I should have left when he would roll on top of me for sex (30 second empty) after every breastfeed just because he knew I was awake, up to 5 times a night. It is very hard to admit that you are being abused by a person who is supposed to love and care for you. Well done for speaking out on mn today, please try to contact woman's aid or local charities who can help you safely leave this relationship. There will be light at the end of this tunnel

💐 For you RAQUEL, that sounds horrendous ☹️

Raquel, you have reminded me of my friends husband, when they met and were first married the sex was fantastic, then he got diabetes and said that side of things was finished. On the day the sale of their house was signed, he said he was divorcing her and she would get nothing. He had retired early he said for health reasons, she worked full time, she would come home and find tissues that he had used and left out, I came to the conclusion it was a control thing. God knows what poor woman he is tormenting now.

Oh Raquel this is horrible! I'm glad you said he's exh now

Raquel, that is absolutely horrendous.

With respect, the OP hasn’t suggested that there are control issues in her relationship. Her DH is wanking beside her in bed, touching her while wanking without her consent, and has photographed his penis touching her while she sleeps, again without her consent.

Your situation sounds way more extreme - leaving a soiled towel as “punishment”, rolling on top of you after every (!!) breastfeed “knowing” i.e. expecting sex as you are awake and supposedly “up for it” – god that is very creepy and I can only imagine how terribly degrading that felt.

And awful as that undoubtedly was, it is not quite the same as the OP.

The OP hasn’t suggested that any of this behaviour is to ’punish’ her. Her DH is silently wanking and invading her body (albeit non-penetratively) without her consent or knowledge.

Sorry to get so graphic, and I am not minimising your experience at all, on the contrary, but we are dealing with the OP, and I’m concerned that the OP has been bombarded with all sorts of suggestions that don’t necessarily relate to her, or are more extreme than what she is dealing with.

No reflection on your experience whatsoever, I am just trying to maintain a bit of balance for the OP in light of some of the more extreme responses she has had.

As I said Raquel, that is horrific, truly I am horrified, and I am only glad he is now your Ex.

Maybe he THINKS what he is doing is normal. Maybe if he had the slightest idea that you felt the way you do, it would never have happened again, he'd be mortified

Bullshit.

He knows it's not normal, knows how Ruby would feel about it. If he didn't know then he wouldn't have felt the need to stop what he was doing and pretend to be asleep on the occasions when he thought ruby was waking up.

for you racquel.

I'm glad you're away from him.

@AhNowTed

Racquel was sharing her experiences, she didn't say that OPs dh is the same, that's he's punishing her, that he's controlling her. The only part where she says her ex is the same is at the start about touching in sleep. The rest of her post is how he reacted to being asked to stop and other ways he was abusive.

You're reply to racquel made me uncomfortable, it kind of felt like you were telling her that her post isn't helpful and will scare the OP, that's it's not relevant because you think It's not what OP is going through.

I also read it as minimising what the OPs dh is doing, by saying Raquels experience is way more extreme, and adding the lack of penetration when comparing. it read as, you saying ops dh is different because he isn't trying too her and just and touching her without consent.

Sexual abuse is often about control and power, even if Raquel had said ops dh could be controlling, it wouldn't be a ridiculous suggestion, sexual abusers often are controlling, ops dh has already shown he gets to choose times when OP is unable to consent to his sexual touching of her, that act alone is him being controlling.

I'm sorry if I have misread you, but it's the way i read it. OP hasn't asked for people to not share their experiences of partners sexually abusing them. She may find inspiration from women who have experienced similar and managed to leave. Fair enough for feeling that posters are speculating about OPs dh, but Raquel didn't do that, she shared her truth hoping to support the OP.

Like I say, sorry if I read you wrong, just a bit worried that racquel could have read it same way and feel sorry for posting.

OP, posters will respect and understand if you want people to stop sharing their similar experiences or if you are finding posts suggesting other things your dh may have/could do etc.

Sharing is absolutely ok, please don't feel like you can't. Anyone.
Every relationship is different and so are the problems. Rachael's experience was horrible and I'm happy for her she's out of that marriage. But her H's controlling behaviour isn't the same, at least it doesn't feel like it.
I think sharing any experience is only good thing, we never know how many are just reading the posts here (on any other forum) and it could actually help massively.

Hi Over

I wasn’t for a minute suggesting that Racquel’s experience wasn’t relevant. On the contrary I am appalled at what she has gone through, and my heart goes out to her.

On reflection, given that the OP has had alarmist, frightening and unfounded suggestions made to her based on no actual detail whatsoever, I was more concerned about the OP here, and simply wanted to strike some kind of balance, in what is a very difficult and emotive situation.

It doesn’t minimise Racquel’s situation at all. But the thread was about the OP, and that was my main concern.

But you are right, Racquel needs support just as much as the OP.

AhNowTed your posts actually disgust me. Are you the ops husband? You've repeatedly minimised what is happening to the op throughout this thread even though she has stated herself her H is sexually abusing her. She wants to leave him, she definitely doesn't need to help the man who has been sexually violating her for years by going to counselling with him and no, he is NOT a decent man. Decent men don't take photos of their wife's body without consent and hide it when caught

twatty i was just about to ask the same question.

Raquel im glad you are away from that absolute bastard now.

Ruby I believe you and no one has the right to touch you without your consent NO ONE NOT EVER! Please do as others suggest and talk to a professional like those from Womens Aid about this.

Ted your minimisation of what is happening is bloody sinister.