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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I really so stupid? DH has been sexually abusing me.

155 replies

RubyWhichOne · 27/02/2017 13:14

Really can't believe I'm actually writing this. I have NC for this, long term MNetter here. I would love some support, please don't judge. This is 1st time I'm actually talking about thisSad

I stumbled across a thread here about DP photographing OP while asleep, touching her and masturbating, and I was basically just reading what has been happening to me.
Been together 13 years, married 7 years. I have been ignoring his sexual behaviour way too long... 4 years ago I saw some photos on his phone of my bottom taken while I’ve been sleeping, confronted him, I was very upset and shouted at him. He was sorry, said he didn’t know why he took them. But we still continued living as normal, didn’t talk about anymore. Since then there has been countless of times when I wake up middle of the night, him masturbating and sometimes having his other hand on my bottom or sometimes trying to rub himself against me. Now, I have never confronted him about those times… I feel scared to do that. Not that he would become violent, just scared and frozen. Or ashamed. Probably ashamed. Have I normalised his behaviour? There might have been more photos taken, I don’t know. I DO know though, that 4 years ago wasn’t his 1st time. Again, I had chosen to ignore this.

Reading responses to this other thread has been eyeopener for me. I have never thought of it as sexual abuse. Some of you might think it’s so sick and disgusting, how can a person live like this. But seems like some canSad Now writing this down, I can honestly say I think I have been feeling so ashamed that I can’t even talk to DH about it, or confront him.

I don’t feel like I have anyone in RL to talk about this, really need to get my head around this..
I know I want to end our marriage. I have been emotionally distancing myself from him for few years now, I don’t love him. Yet, this is still going on and I’m not doing anything about it. He's great dad, everyone (including my family) just adores him. We do go out, go on holidays, have a laugh.
Where do you start? We have two kids too, that’s why I feel I MUST leave him. Even if he’ll never ever do this to our kids, I just can’t continue living like this.

Sorry it’s so long. I really needed to write it all down. That’s probably the bravest thing I’ve done in years.

OP posts:
Lambzig · 27/02/2017 19:20

OP if you feel you are being sexually abused, that's good enough for me. It sounds horrendous.

Please talk to rape crisis for counselling, as said above, not to reset your boundaries, but to help recover from the abuse you have received.

Dreadfulidea · 27/02/2017 19:30

It does sound creepy but they've been together 13 years and she chose to marry him 6 years down the line. This has only started a few years ago apparently .Surely you say " Oi you dirty fucker don't be doing that or you'll be in the spare room" when it happens the first time.
There are much bigger communication issues here. It's not just about what he's doing.
I do think the Op might need to talk this through because unless she addresses her issues too the chances are she'll end up in another poor relationship.

HeavenlyEyes · 27/02/2017 22:12

And it is victim blaming rubbish like that Dreadful which makes folk like the op feel even worse! Choosing to marry does not give someone carte blanche over your body.

I believe you Ruby.

ILiveForNachos · 27/02/2017 22:41

Genuinely disgusted by some of the comments on here suggesting what he is doing is 'fine' and they just need to 'communicate more' or 'need counselling'.

Just because they are married or have known each other a long time or have children does not make what he does to her acceptable or forgivable. He has been violating her. He has ignored her right to privacy. Her right to not have her body touched without her consent. Her right to go to bloody sleep and not worry he may take photos or touch her without asking!

People who don't get this is hideous and wrong go and have a bloody word with yourself.

Ruby - coming on here and discussing this is incredibly brave and you should be immensely proud of yourself for taking the first steps towards a much happier future. Your post will help lots of other women too and hopefully educate a few more Flowers

Ginkypig · 28/02/2017 01:55

Hi ruby.

I'm glad to hear you say you would have rl support if you need it.

I very much hope you find a way forward that helps you to feel comfortable and safe again.

Ignore anyone here who has made you feel your feelings weren't valid they absolutely are and there are lots of us here who will be around if you need us ok!

And thankyou for your comment. I didn't want to over share but thought some of the feelings I felt may resonate with you and it might make you feel less alone knowing somone else has been through similar (although I know it's not the same)

BottomlyP0tts · 28/02/2017 02:38

Whoops I touch myself when my partner sleeps if he is too tired for sex - I love to touch him too if he wakes up perfect he can join in if he doesn't then that's ok too. He has never seemed bothered by it.

The issue here is the OP is bothered by it. I wouldn't be but she is. He knows this and isn't stopping. NOT OK

Original poster
RubyWhichOne · 28/02/2017 07:39

Last comments here are lovely, thank you. I did start to think if I'm overreacting about it. Yes, communication is important and maybe I'm utterly rubbish at expressing myself.. Posting here has made me think about it more, why is it that I can't do it in real life? I'm always been like that, maybe it's a personality thing, maybe from childhood, I don't know. Last night I couldn't say anything to H, I feel like I need prepared speech or something and I wasn't ready. I will do it though.

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyWhichOne · 28/02/2017 07:39

Last comments here are lovely, thank you. I did start to think if I'm overreacting about it. Yes, communication is important and maybe I'm utterly rubbish at expressing myself.. Posting here has made me think about it more, why is it that I can't do it in real life? I'm always been like that, maybe it's a personality thing, maybe from childhood, I don't know. Last night I couldn't say anything to H, I feel like I need prepared speech or something and I wasn't ready. I will do it though.

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyWhichOne · 28/02/2017 07:50

Not sure this was posted twice, MN talk app is rubbish..
I forgot to add that that like ILiveForNachos said, this thread was little bit started for others in similar situations, hopefully it will help someone too who's been living in denial like me about this kind of behaviour. I have honestly thought about H actions afwul lot but always come down to conclusion that I'm overthinking it, surely it's normal behaviour, my own fault not havong enough sex with H. Definitely never thought of it as abuse. We do have sex life, although not amazing and my sex drive is much lower than his. This is why I thought it's my fault he's behaving like this (maybe it is).
I will email couple of local counsellors this morning to see if any has appointments available. I just want to get some clarity in my head, saying thing out loud would help me, I hope.

OP posts:
icanteven · 28/02/2017 08:11

I agree with the posts above - the big thing that jumps out at me is the fact that you have never mentioned any of this to your husband.

You are terribly upset and disturbed by what he has done, but he knows that you know it's happening and without any expression of opinion from you, he may not be attaching any particular significance to it. If he knew that you hated it, one would hope that he would never do it again.

The fact that you have never been able to bring yourself to mention it - and what else happens in your marriage that he thinks is fine but upsets you daily? - is really significant. I think that counselling is something to explore here, if only for yourself, to teach you to be more vocal and to speak up when necessary.

LovelyBath77 · 28/02/2017 10:33

I'm not sure but this might help - a really good book is Non-violent communication, really helped me with how to discuss difficult stuff. It is mainly about using "I" statements so saying how you feel about something. rather than saying "you" and then the other person gets defensive. Might be helpful in having some communication.

Adora10 · 28/02/2017 11:03

Ruby love, whether you refused to have sex with him for five years, it would still not give him the right to do what he is doing to you, which is having sex with you without your consent; in fact, he seems to prefer you asleep; this is frightening behaviour imo and could escalate so I am glad you are now addressing this and ensure it does not happen to you again, you have that right!

I don't want to upset you further but I'd be very concerned about what exactly he is taking pics and videos of and what he is doing with them.

Until you can come to a decision, ensure he sleeps in another room from you.

LovelyBath77 · 28/02/2017 11:20

There is no evidence he has been sharing anything. Why assume there is?

There may be a reason why he is acting this why and it isn't clear what that is. It is important to know why before jumping to conclusions.

Original poster
RubyWhichOne · 28/02/2017 12:08

His reasoning could be lack of sex between us. I'm certain that's what he would tell. We still have a sex life, although definitely much less after DS was born seven years ago. I did lose my sex drive for while but I've been working on it, we have had weekends away and such, and I can enjoy it.

Sorry, I just realised but didn't write down - when I said I saw photos of me over 4 years ago and I confronted him, and I said in OP that I know he's taken photos before that incident - first time it was probably about 11 years ago. I had woken up at night, noticing his camera phone light, when I turned and faced him, he quickly switched it off and pretended to sleep. I was confused but decided to check his phone next day. I never snoop around like this, it felt so wrong but I thought it was necessary. There were photos of my bum and his penis touching it. I remember feeling sick but also so embarrassed about it! Never told him. This is just so wrong! That was back in the days when we would have sex every day. Thinking about it now, I think I was scared to break up our relationship, I was freshly pregnant and he was/is absolutely lovely person in any other way. I do feel disappointed in myself. It has to change.

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 28/02/2017 12:21

It's Okay Ruby, I really feel for you. 🌺
It isn't too late for change.
Did you manage to confide in someone, or get an appointment with a counsellor ?

Original poster
RubyWhichOne · 28/02/2017 12:26

I have emailed some counsellors. I do have slight phobia of talking on the phone, thanks all who have suggested Women's Aid but picking up the phone seems bit too much atm. If I NEED to talk to someone, I prefer face to face conversation, that's why will start with counsellor. I won't be quiet anymore.
Currently writing long letter to H. I don't think I will just present him the letter but it will help me to go through the points when I will talk to him.

OP posts:
HerOtherHalf · 28/02/2017 12:59

I don't really want to upset you any more than you already are but I think this has to be raised. How can you be sure these photos are going no further than his phone? Not that that isn't bad enough but if he is sharing them online or with friends, and there is a chance of that, then that would be an even more grotesque invasion of your privacy.

aginghippy · 28/02/2017 13:05

There may be a reason why he is acting this why and it isn't clear what that is. It is important to know why before jumping to conclusions.

I disagree. The most important thing to know is that Ruby is not happy with his behaviour and feels violated by it. She has been living with these feelings for years. Now she has decided she wants to change things. It doesn't sound to me like she is jumping to any conclusions. Quite the opposite, it has taken her - literally - years to reach this point.

HeavenlyEyes · 28/02/2017 13:38

Who cares what his reason is? That is not the issue here. He is abusing her - end of. There is no reason or justification for his behaviour. Sharing pics or not - what he has done for years is vile enough.

Teabay · 28/02/2017 14:18

OP
You can email Women's Aid and then call in to see them. They'll give you a cuppa and time to chat face to face - they're just brilliant.

You are so brave and I know from the way you write that you have the power to make your life different. Next Summer will be sunnier for you.

Joysmum · 28/02/2017 14:25

Surely you say " Oi you dirty fucker don't be doing that or you'll be in the spare room

Actually he ALREADY KNOWS he doesn't have Ruby's consent as she says in her second post that every time he thinks she wakes he stops and pretends he's asleep.

He knows exactly what he's doing is using her body without respect and consent. That is abuse Angry

Original poster
RubyWhichOne · 28/02/2017 14:27

Teabay I didn't know that, thank you. Had a quick look on the website but didn't see that info, will look again.

Today I'm definitely feeling more brave. Especially now when I've been writing this all down, as a letter to H. This is making it so much clearer and I understand I'm not making it up and making it bigger. All these years I have been making it smaller and non-important, looks like I'm good at ignoring bad stuff and burying my negative feelings. Still feel stupid about it but not in a way that I can't change anything. Hope that makes sense!

OP posts:
HeavenlyEyes · 28/02/2017 14:34

You are not stupid - and none of this is your fault. Emailing WA is a grand idea. Writing it all down now is great too - I would not give him the letter though tbh if I were you.

Original poster
RubyWhichOne · 28/02/2017 14:38

No, I'm not planning to give the letter. Just want to write as I would talk about it to him, bit like a script.

OP posts:
OverthinkingSpartacus · 28/02/2017 14:50

Please don't feel stupid OP and please don't blame yourself. Nothing you have done makes it ok for him to sexually abuse you. Nothing.

The amount of consensual sex you have doesn't make a difference, its the lack of consent that getting him his kicks. You were having sexy everyday and he still did this. He wouldn't pretend to be asleep if he thought what he was doing was mutually consensual. He doesn't give a shit about your right to autonomy.

As he's already shown, many times over the years, that he feels his sexual wants trump your right to consent, I'd be prepared that's he's ignored other boundaries, that he didn't stop taking photos, that he maybe made videos too, that it's possible he's shared these with other people who get off on sexually abusing sleeping women.

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