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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I really so stupid? DH has been sexually abusing me.

155 replies

RubyWhichOne · 27/02/2017 13:14

Really can't believe I'm actually writing this. I have NC for this, long term MNetter here. I would love some support, please don't judge. This is 1st time I'm actually talking about thisSad

I stumbled across a thread here about DP photographing OP while asleep, touching her and masturbating, and I was basically just reading what has been happening to me.
Been together 13 years, married 7 years. I have been ignoring his sexual behaviour way too long... 4 years ago I saw some photos on his phone of my bottom taken while I’ve been sleeping, confronted him, I was very upset and shouted at him. He was sorry, said he didn’t know why he took them. But we still continued living as normal, didn’t talk about anymore. Since then there has been countless of times when I wake up middle of the night, him masturbating and sometimes having his other hand on my bottom or sometimes trying to rub himself against me. Now, I have never confronted him about those times… I feel scared to do that. Not that he would become violent, just scared and frozen. Or ashamed. Probably ashamed. Have I normalised his behaviour? There might have been more photos taken, I don’t know. I DO know though, that 4 years ago wasn’t his 1st time. Again, I had chosen to ignore this.

Reading responses to this other thread has been eyeopener for me. I have never thought of it as sexual abuse. Some of you might think it’s so sick and disgusting, how can a person live like this. But seems like some canSad Now writing this down, I can honestly say I think I have been feeling so ashamed that I can’t even talk to DH about it, or confront him.

I don’t feel like I have anyone in RL to talk about this, really need to get my head around this..
I know I want to end our marriage. I have been emotionally distancing myself from him for few years now, I don’t love him. Yet, this is still going on and I’m not doing anything about it. He's great dad, everyone (including my family) just adores him. We do go out, go on holidays, have a laugh.
Where do you start? We have two kids too, that’s why I feel I MUST leave him. Even if he’ll never ever do this to our kids, I just can’t continue living like this.

Sorry it’s so long. I really needed to write it all down. That’s probably the bravest thing I’ve done in years.

OP posts:
RyanStartedTheFire · 27/02/2017 16:55

Lovely He sounds like a disgusting man. He's sexually abusing someone ffs.

Would you or Ted be saying the same if he'd taken pictures up a strangers skirt? Or if he'd taken pictures of her in the shower without her knowledge or consent? God I feel sick that there's people out there thinking this is ok.

irregularegular · 27/02/2017 16:56

I focused on the masturbation because that is what the thread seemed to be largely focused on and some posts (not all) seemed to be suggesting that was sufficient to be a major issue.

Anyway, I'll shut up now as i don't really think it is helpful. OP I wish you all the best.

AhNowTed · 27/02/2017 16:57

Adora people who masturbate are not disgusting creeps. For heavens sake.

dowhatnow · 27/02/2017 16:57

Counselling might be a good idea to explore why she didn't feel able to put a stop to it straight away.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2017 16:58

Ruby, the only thing you might need counselling for is why it took you so long to acknowledge that you are being abused.

You certainly do not need it to figure out your boundaries. Your boundaries are just fine. You do not need to reprogramme yourself into thinking this is ok. It's not ok.

StormZelda · 27/02/2017 16:58

awful thing to have to face up to.
Brew

RyanStartedTheFire · 27/02/2017 16:59

Ted Biscuit Go be a goady fucker somewhere else.

StormZelda · 27/02/2017 17:00

True, I thought I'd walk in to therapy and start ''well he said x, he did this to me, then he ....." but the therapist shut it right down. Psychotherapy dug in to why I'd stayed in an abusive relationship for 7 years.
Invaluable stuff.

I recommend counselling FIRST. Just to talk, talk, talk out what HAPPENED. Then later, therapy.

My x was more in my face with his abuse though. He wouldn't have felt big if he was abusing me and I was sleeping through it. he had to make me feel shit to feel big. So different. But therapy always good.............

0SometimesIWonder · 27/02/2017 17:00

Surely, the thing here is, it matters not whether it's normal or not normal in anyone else's view - what matters is that the op doesn't like it, and is scared and frozen.
Therefore, H's behaviour should stop, right now. Just stop.
Or she ends the marriage.

Adora10 · 27/02/2017 17:05

Adora people who masturbate are not disgusting creeps. For heavens sake.

No Ted I know that, I masturbate, so does my partner but he doesn't get his rocks off sexually exploiting me without my knowledge and taking pics or videos of me whilst doing it.

You have done nothing but normalise what is completely fucked up behaviour, well done.

Italiangreyhound · 27/02/2017 17:05

Ruby this is awful and very horrible for you.

He is in the wrong. You do not need to have counselling or work it out, if you want to end your marriage you can.
You need to take back power in your marriage, let your dh know that you know what has been going on and then take it from there (assuming it is safe to do so).

You could speak to a counseller without him and work out how best to repair the damage he has done to your sense of autonomy and confidence.

None of this is acceptable.

Those defining it, you really should know better. Maybe you would be OK with this, but most women would not.

Speak to women's aid, please, OP.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

0808 2000 247

memyselfandaye · 27/02/2017 17:05

In a normal relationship a "normal" man wouldn't get his jollies by dry humping his sleeping wife.

OP at best he sounds like an annoying over sexed dog, at worst it sounds like he thinks he owns your body and can do anything he wants with it.

Having to wear pyjama bottoms when you wouldn't usually is a huge flashing red flag, it's just all shades of wrong.

Good luck with whatever you decide, oh and do have a look at the csa/cms website and look into what benefits you may be able to get. Don't think you are tied to the creep because of money, or lack of.

Italiangreyhound · 27/02/2017 17:06

Those defending it...

MrsEvadneCake · 27/02/2017 17:19

*Ruby, the only thing you might need counselling for is why it took you so long to acknowledge that you are being abused.

You certainly do not need it to figure out your boundaries. Your boundaries are just fine. You do not need to reprogramme yourself into thinking this is ok. It's not ok.*

Anyfucker put it way better than I did. That's it exactly.

Roanoke · 27/02/2017 17:27

I'm so sorry OP.

Things like this are why we need proper, comprehensive sex education. It's taken for granted that everyone knows the differences between right and wrong.

I think you are very wise to be afraid for your children. Someone who masturbates over sleeping women has long given up on normal societal sexual norms. They know they're breaking the law and do what they can get away with, especially if they can suppress their victims with fear.

user1484578224 · 27/02/2017 17:35

OP do you ave nice supportive friends and family? No need to share more than you wish....just say its not working out and i'm considering changing things.

OverthinkingSpartacus · 27/02/2017 17:43

people who masturbate are not disgusting creeps. For heavens sake.

Again.
Him masturbating isn't what's making him a disgusting creep.
Its him sexually touching and rubbing himself on her while she's asleep, therefore not consenting, that makes him a disgusting creep.

If you want sexual access to another body to masturbate, you need the consent of the person that body belongs to.

The bloke in the OP isn't just sexually touching himself ffs, he's sexually touching her too, when he knows full well she's not consenting, because he's waited until she can't.

It's not OP who needs counselling.

Adora10 · 27/02/2017 17:47

DH has been sexually abusing me

This the title of the OPs thread, that's good enough for me and it should be for you sad bastards that are saying what he is doing is normal and no big deal. Instead of projecting your own views on sex and what's normal for you, try reading the actual title of the thread and answer on that basis.

Qqnamechange · 27/02/2017 17:50

OP I think you're relationship is clearly over with. Just the emotional stuff and the way you describe your relationship doesn't sound happy.

Only you can decide if you are uncomfortable with the sexual stuff. People have difference boundaries. That doesn't mean you are wrong and what he is doing is ok and it doesn't mean that if a poster isn't bothered by this behaviour that they are a manpleaser (so sick of that term on here).

Within loving relationships there are all kinds of sexual boundaries which wouldn't work with other people.

FWIW (and this is more to the posters) I wouldn't be concerned about a partner touching me whilst asleep or masturbating. The photos is wouldn't like. I've masturbated in bed next to a partner and touched them whilst asleep. I suppose the difference is I wouldn't stop or hide it if they woke up. At some point during our relationship it was agreed that this was ok. So it's ongoing consent I suppose. I'm not a man or some handmaiden Hmm I know where my boundaries lie and within a loving relationship I wouldn't be scared by this behaviour or feel abused.

HelenaGWells · 27/02/2017 17:51

Countless times she wakes to him masturbating, touching her bottom and rubbing himself against her. He has taken photos.
He is using her body without her consent. She is upset. She is allowed to be.

Absolutely this. No one has the right to use your body in this way without your consent. Please reach out and get some expert support from women's aid or similar.

It's not normal and you shouldn't have to deal with it.

Original poster
RubyWhichOne · 27/02/2017 17:57

I would love to reply to you all but that would take ages, thank you though, everything's taken on board. I do think counselling for me would be good too, I am discovering more about myself reading up on your replies and thoughts. I do need to chat with someone, about why have I been letting this go on so long, why can't I talk to H or any friends about my feelings.

I don't think masturbating is wrong and disgusting, I do understand everyone does it when they choose to and that's fine. His creepy behaviour around this what makes me feel uneasy and not be able to trust him in bed.

I do have a circle of friends. I'm always been a listener though, never a talker. My life and marriage looks perfect to everyone. I know if I can pick up a courage to open up to some of my friends, they would be supportive.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/02/2017 18:13

I believe you, Ruby.

LovelyBath77 · 27/02/2017 18:53

OP referred to him as being scared and frozen, not her.

LovelyBath77 · 27/02/2017 18:56

Ruby you know him much better than anyone as have been married for years, maybe you need to find out why he's doing this and talk to him about it. And go with how you feel, not how you think you should feel due to reading other posts on here.

Miserylovescompany2 · 27/02/2017 19:16

I think this quote speaks volumes...

Am I really so stupid? DH has been sexually abusing me.