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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I really so stupid? DH has been sexually abusing me.

155 replies

RubyWhichOne · 27/02/2017 13:14

Really can't believe I'm actually writing this. I have NC for this, long term MNetter here. I would love some support, please don't judge. This is 1st time I'm actually talking about this

I stumbled across a thread here about DP photographing OP while asleep, touching her and masturbating, and I was basically just reading what has been happening to me.
Been together 13 years, married 7 years. I have been ignoring his sexual behaviour way too long... 4 years ago I saw some photos on his phone of my bottom taken while I’ve been sleeping, confronted him, I was very upset and shouted at him. He was sorry, said he didn’t know why he took them. But we still continued living as normal, didn’t talk about anymore. Since then there has been countless of times when I wake up middle of the night, him masturbating and sometimes having his other hand on my bottom or sometimes trying to rub himself against me. Now, I have never confronted him about those times… I feel scared to do that. Not that he would become violent, just scared and frozen. Or ashamed. Probably ashamed. Have I normalised his behaviour? There might have been more photos taken, I don’t know. I DO know though, that 4 years ago wasn’t his 1st time. Again, I had chosen to ignore this.

Reading responses to this other thread has been eyeopener for me. I have never thought of it as sexual abuse. Some of you might think it’s so sick and disgusting, how can a person live like this. But seems like some can Now writing this down, I can honestly say I think I have been feeling so ashamed that I can’t even talk to DH about it, or confront him.

I don’t feel like I have anyone in RL to talk about this, really need to get my head around this..
I know I want to end our marriage. I have been emotionally distancing myself from him for few years now, I don’t love him. Yet, this is still going on and I’m not doing anything about it. He's great dad, everyone (including my family) just adores him. We do go out, go on holidays, have a laugh.
Where do you start? We have two kids too, that’s why I feel I MUST leave him. Even if he’ll never ever do this to our kids, I just can’t continue living like this.

Sorry it’s so long. I really needed to write it all down. That’s probably the bravest thing I’ve done in years.

OP posts:

welshmist · 27/02/2017 15:23

Ruby do you have what you consider a normal loving sex life?

SquarePegRoundHole · 27/02/2017 15:26

So sorry you are going through this. It does seem to have become normalised by both of you to some degree or another. Both of you having done that for different reasons.

Please try and speak to someone in rl to get some proper hand holding. Perhaps initially speak with a gp f you really havnt got anyone else to speak to. They could then refer you to counselling and other agencies that could help and support you.

You do know that you need to end this don't you. Think of yourself and your children. You all need to be safe. He needs therapy if he's motivated enough to want to change.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2017 15:27

Ruby...do you wear clothes in bed that you would not normally choose to wear to protect your body from your husband ?

RyanStartedTheFire · 27/02/2017 15:27

welsh that has 0 relevance to him sexually assaulting her.

DJBaggySmalls · 27/02/2017 15:28

Its really not normal behaviour. And especially since he did not get consent first. There is a class of men who use their wives; I call them alibi wives.
RubyWhichOne I'm not saying thats the case here, but I do think you need to get some support and advice. Best of luck

Quartz2208 · 27/02/2017 15:29

Ahnowted it is the case, she feels violated and uncomfortable and that is enough, granted everyone is different and even though it might be ok for you does not make it ok for her.

He clearly knows he is crossing a line as well. But she did not ask for our opinion on his behaviour, she asked for how to leave.

First thing start getting the paperwork together, think about and sort out finances and exactly how you think the first step would work. Then exactly how you are going to broach it with him

SofsMum17 · 27/02/2017 15:36

FWIW, if possible, I would seek counselling / talk it through with a neutral, sympathetic professional before making a decision on what definitive action you want to take. I totally agree with comments about consent - doing those things without asking is clearly a violation. However, making the leap to "he could have shared those photos anywhere" is unhelpfully alarmist and not necessarily realistic.

It sounds like you have been drifting apart for a while and perhaps this is his (sad and messed up, yes) way of feeling close to you. It may be that he's "just a perv" but I don't think that's necessarily a helpful way to look at it. It doesn't sound like he's a monster. Sexuality can be expressed in such a myriad of different ways - all of which IMO are really and truly ok - IF consent, open communication and agreement are always involved, which is clearly not the case between the two of you. Shame is such a powerful, crippling thing, we are brought up to think of sexual behaviour (at least, anything that deviates much from missionary) as dirty and wrong, and it isn't, necessarily.

I'm not trying to gaslight here - rather the opposite, because you talk about being ashamed and I don't see that you have anything to be ashamed of. You have been trying to deal with what has become the norm within your marriage, because it's confusing and weird and until now, you haven't felt ready or able to confront it. Opening up to us here is a massive and brave first step, give yourself credit for that.

Finding a way to live separately while you work it all out might be the most healthy approach, although that will obviously involve revealing that you have a problem - you don't need to go into details though. Try to open up to someone IRL, though, however awkward that may be, you may be surprised at where you find allies. If you really don't feel comfortable with any friend or family member, as pp's have suggested, there are organisations you can contact for support. Wishing you all the best, keep us posted.

(PS - having "weird" sexual proclivities related to adults does not necessarily bear any relation to paedophilia - I hope we're all clear on that... Not a reason to dissuade OP from taking time away from this troubling situation, and I can understand the protective instinct towards the children, but that's not necessarily a conclusion you want to be jumping to...)

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 27/02/2017 15:39

💐 For you Ruby, run for the hills.

user1484578224 · 27/02/2017 15:49

I think there was post a few weeks ago? Not making any particular comment, just this scenario seems familiar.

user1479305498 · 27/02/2017 15:49

If someone think this is ok on here and Im presuming its a guy may I suggest you seek help. Im no rabid manhater and Im fully aware blokes masturbate, my OH lkes to do it with me there for goodness sake and ideally participating, but this is off the scale creepy as far as Im concerned ,

user1484578224 · 27/02/2017 15:57

are you financially dependent on him and what age are kids

HandbagCrazy · 27/02/2017 15:58

So sad to read the minimising comments here.

OP, the thing that matters here is that this is unacceptable to you
Of course some people will say it's ok - people like different things, which is why consent is key.
For example, I like being woken up sometimes by DH fondling my boobs / kissing my neck etc. Others would think that's awful BUT it's something we have discussed and he has my express consent to do this. On the occasions I've woken up and not been in the mood, I say so and it stops. That's how consent works. It's not a given, it can be withdrawn anytime.

What he's doing is abusive because you haven't consented. He's making you nervous, causing you to wake up in the night to be alert and keep him away.

Leaving is a huge step, but one you need to take. While you're working towards that, do you have a spare room to withdraw to? Could you develop insomnia / illness / sudden aversion to his snoring and sleep away from him?

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/02/2017 16:03

I kinda agree with AhNowTed - men wank, and they generally wank a lot. At night in bed while their DP is asleep, in the bathroom, in the shower etc etc. And I'm sure everyone has woken up to a morning glory being shoved against them.

However, the taking photos is NOT good. And if the OP feels uncomfortable and abused about the other behaviour, then she has a right to. What worries me most is that she feels afraid to talk to him about it. Nobody in a healthy relationship should feel afraid to talk to their OH about anything. This whole thing makes me feel like there's a lot more to this than you have told us OP, and if you feel you need to get out, then you need to get out. Nobody has the right to make you feel scared and uncomfortable in your own home/bed/life.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2017 16:06

There is always "more to it". Don't people understand this ?

AhNowTed · 27/02/2017 16:06

User if you're referring to me, no I'm female. Photos aside, having a sneaky wank does not make me or anyone else a deviant.

The OP is clearly on a different page to her husband and she needs to discuss it with him, and seek counselling. I would suggest Relate is a good start.

HerOtherHalf · 27/02/2017 16:08

I kinda agree with AhNowTed - men wank, and they generally wank a lot.

But there is a time and a place. In a bed shared by a sleeping partner, unless they have expressly stated they like having someone wanking beside them whilst they sleep, is not the time or the place in my book. I find it very creepy personally.

RyanStartedTheFire · 27/02/2017 16:09

But Ted having a sneaky wank is not the same as groping your wife whilst wanking without her consent. Your hands should be kept to yourself. God, these attitudes are scary. And you are minimising the pictures.

HerOtherHalf · 27/02/2017 16:09

There is always "more to it". Don't people understand this ?

Exactly. The OP has taken a massive step and I would be very surprised if she doesn't have a lot more to get off her chest if she can be made to feel supported.

Original poster

RubyWhichOne · 27/02/2017 16:14

I think it's true to say most people have some issue/behaviour that gets normalised during their relationship. Sometimes it's easier to go with the flow. However in your situation it's very damaging and totally not acceptable. He has totally betrayed your trust. Your own home and sleeping in what should be your safe sanctuary has been violated, as have you been.
Yes, I do feel this is the case. It’s been easier to just go with it, not make a big deal about it, although it is making me very uncomfortable. I’ve just haven’t realised how damaging it is, it’s like I’m finally putting puzzle pieces together.

user1484578224 reading that post few weeks ago is why I realised I can’t live like this anymore. The OP seems to have little bit different situation, I do think about her and really hope she’ll listen the advice she’s been given.

I am financially dependent on DH, that is true. I run a small business from home but not near enough income to survive on that.

Sorry I might not have much time to post this afternoon, kids’ clubs and all that. I will tell DH I won’t be sharing a bed with him anymore. That’s the next step I’m taking.

Sorry if this thread looks like I have all the answers and know what I’m doing. I know what I should be doing but I am scared. Not of him but the future. The breaking the family. Actually doing it and not just thinking about. So thank you all for your messages.

OP posts:

Dreadfulidea · 27/02/2017 16:14

Isn't there a few steps between LTB and run for the hills. What happened to having a conversation?
He isn't having sex with her whilst asleep, it's more she feels uncomfortable with him wanking next to her. Which is fair enough but surely find out why he feels the need to do it next to her first and a conversation on how it's making her feel.
Is it normal to be scared of your husband of 13 years having a wank next to you? I can see why it might be a bit yuck or even a bit insulting that he doesn't want to involve you but scared implies something else.
Maybe seperate bedrooms.
And then maybe consider leaving.

OverthinkingSpartacus · 27/02/2017 16:15

Hes has taken photos of his wife while she was sleeping.
He waits to grope her in her sleep while he wanks.
He rubs himself up on her while she's asleep.

He knows he doesn't have consent for any if the above but does it anyway. Lots of times, but it's an overreaction to call him an abuser?

There's a reason he's choosing to wait until his wife doesn't have the capacity to consent.

masturbating isn't what makes him an abuser. It's the assaulting her in her sleep while he wanks that makes him an abuser.

If I woke to my dh masturbating, fine.
If I woke to my dh masturbating and groping and rubbing himself on me. Not Fine at all. Non rapey men understand this perfectly fine.

I'm so sorry OP, it's must be very stressful for you. It must be an awful feeling knowing yours not safe in your own bed in your own home.

He will no why he does it. It's because he thinks he doesn't need consent to sexually touch you.

OverthinkingSpartacus · 27/02/2017 16:16

know

irregularegular · 27/02/2017 16:18

If the OP feels as though she is being used, then she probably is. At the very least she need to address it and see if her husband will change his behaviour. If she feels she needs to leave, then she is probably right - there is inevitably more going on than can be captured here. But I'd be wary of making her feel she has to leave immediately over this if that feeling wasn't already there.

Confession. I quite often masturbate quietly in bed while my husband is asleep. Basically when I can't sleep. I haven't discussed it with him, so I'm not sure whether he knows. I really don't think he would mind though! Does that make me an abuser?

DJBaggySmalls · 27/02/2017 16:20

irregularegular No, masturbating does not make you an abuser

AnyFucker · 27/02/2017 16:21

Op, you are not the stupid one on this thread

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