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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I really so stupid? DH has been sexually abusing me.

155 replies

RubyWhichOne · 27/02/2017 13:14

Really can't believe I'm actually writing this. I have NC for this, long term MNetter here. I would love some support, please don't judge. This is 1st time I'm actually talking about thisSad

I stumbled across a thread here about DP photographing OP while asleep, touching her and masturbating, and I was basically just reading what has been happening to me.
Been together 13 years, married 7 years. I have been ignoring his sexual behaviour way too long... 4 years ago I saw some photos on his phone of my bottom taken while I’ve been sleeping, confronted him, I was very upset and shouted at him. He was sorry, said he didn’t know why he took them. But we still continued living as normal, didn’t talk about anymore. Since then there has been countless of times when I wake up middle of the night, him masturbating and sometimes having his other hand on my bottom or sometimes trying to rub himself against me. Now, I have never confronted him about those times… I feel scared to do that. Not that he would become violent, just scared and frozen. Or ashamed. Probably ashamed. Have I normalised his behaviour? There might have been more photos taken, I don’t know. I DO know though, that 4 years ago wasn’t his 1st time. Again, I had chosen to ignore this.

Reading responses to this other thread has been eyeopener for me. I have never thought of it as sexual abuse. Some of you might think it’s so sick and disgusting, how can a person live like this. But seems like some canSad Now writing this down, I can honestly say I think I have been feeling so ashamed that I can’t even talk to DH about it, or confront him.

I don’t feel like I have anyone in RL to talk about this, really need to get my head around this..
I know I want to end our marriage. I have been emotionally distancing myself from him for few years now, I don’t love him. Yet, this is still going on and I’m not doing anything about it. He's great dad, everyone (including my family) just adores him. We do go out, go on holidays, have a laugh.
Where do you start? We have two kids too, that’s why I feel I MUST leave him. Even if he’ll never ever do this to our kids, I just can’t continue living like this.

Sorry it’s so long. I really needed to write it all down. That’s probably the bravest thing I’ve done in years.

OP posts:
RyanStartedTheFire · 27/02/2017 16:22

Dread He's not just wanking next to her, he's touching her without consent and taking pictures of her!

RyanStartedTheFire · 27/02/2017 16:23

Obviously not irregular, are you choosing to ignore the fact that the issue is the touching without consent?

OverthinkingSpartacus · 27/02/2017 16:24

There's been many a morning dh has woken me with a hard on. He will hug me, I wake up, if I feel in the mood we might have a shag, if I'm tired I'll tell him I can't be arsed and he respects that, sometimes I'm so knackered I don't even wake.

Thing is, the times I say no, or don't wake up to say no/yes, dh stops initiating. He doesn't continue to rub himself on me while I'm sleeping or start wanking and groping me.

Can people really not see the difference?

Orangetoffee · 27/02/2017 16:25

Having a coversation and then what? He promises never to do it again and that will somehow make the OP sleep safe again?

I am sorry Ruby, it must be awful for you. Seperate beds is a start.

Libitina · 27/02/2017 16:25

OP, please don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. You have done nothing wrong!

Trollspoopglitter · 27/02/2017 16:25

On one hand, when I read the physical actions you describe, I'm a bit puzzled like Ted.

But then you describe how you feel. And that is really very alarming.

It's about how bad it makes you feel. Not how innocent it may appear. Sad

HarmlessChap · 27/02/2017 16:27

I don't, but I can't see that its particularly wrong masturbating in bed while your partner is sleeping next to you, irrespective of gender.

What is wrong here is that he's touching her or rubbing himself against her while doing so. Unfortunately he's done it often, she's woken and not challenged him so he probably thinks its OK, albeit that doesn't make it any less wrong.

The photo thing, well that's really creepy.

Dreadfulidea · 27/02/2017 16:27

Having re read the Op says she has been distancing herself, she doesn't love him and the marriage is over as far as she is concerned.

Probably time to get on with it then.

Miserylovescompany2 · 27/02/2017 16:28

You are NOT consenting to what he has been doing. How could you? You were asleep. He's crossed many lines here...

It is NOT ok to touch someone sexually whilst they are sleeping. This is abuse!

It is NOT ok to take intimate photos of another whilst they sleep. This is abuse!

CONSENT WAS NOT GIVEN!

Just because a person is married it does not mean that either person can do what they damn well please at the emotional expense of another...just to satisfy their own sexual urges.

OP, please talk to woman's aid.

OverthinkingSpartacus · 27/02/2017 16:29

Confession. I quite often masturbate quietly in bed while my husband is asleep. Basically when I can't sleep. I haven't discussed it with him, so I'm not sure whether he knows. I really don't think he would mind though! Does that make me an abuser?

That's totally different to what OPs DH does, not sure why you are comparing yourself to the DH in the OP. Unless you mean you also grope your husband in his sleep while you masturbate and rub yourself over him?

Ginkypig · 27/02/2017 16:32

would some of be saying this if the situation had been he had grabbed her while awake without consent say while in the shower or doing the dishes while at the same time masterbating, probably not if anything it's worse because she is asleep because she can't possibly be in a position to consent or if unhappy counter the behaviour.
Would it be ok if he had done this while she was unconscious due to say sleeping pills? Again not!

For what's it's worth I was in an abusive relationship where my partner repeatedly raped me whilst I slept and it was worse for me than when awake (Iv also been sexually assaulted while awake) because I felt like I was going mad, knowing but not being able to prove or exactly know what had been done to me! It put me in a position where I couldn't protect myself.

Get some real support there are professional organisations that can help some have been mentioned up thread.

I'm sending you big unmumsnetty hugs ruby!

Original poster
RubyWhichOne · 27/02/2017 16:38

Ok, I can totally admit if you think it’s not abuse. I find it difficult to say it too, hence living like that for years. But I can’t shift the feeling he might have taken pictures more often than I know of. Maybe he hasn’t. Makes me slightly sick to think about it.

I am looking up on local counsellors and planning to speak to someone face to face. I do have my own friends but I don’t feel I can openly talk to someone I know. And to someone who knows DH.

OP posts:
MeadowHay · 27/02/2017 16:38

Hi OP, I don't have experience of anything like this or anything, but I wanted to just add to the support and tell you that you are very brave and that your partner's behaviour is abusive. If my DH acted as yours did I would no doubt feel similarly to you (violated etc). My DH would never, ever take sexual images of me asleep or rub himself against me whilst masturbating whilst I was asleep. In fact he wouldn't even masturbate in the same bed as me whilst I'm asleep tbh he would get up and go somewhere else if he really wanted to do that, he won't masturbate if I'm in the room unless I am actively joining in, which is how it should be imo.

Good luck for the future Flowers.

Original poster
RubyWhichOne · 27/02/2017 16:40

Ginkypig sorry you had to go through thisFlowers Thanks for the hugs!

OP posts:
ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/02/2017 16:45

Sometimes something is too broken to be fixed, and this sounds like one of those. You sound like you've already made up your mind about leaving him OP, and even if he promises never to do it again, the trust has been broken and I don't think you'll ever feel secure or safe sharing a bed with him again, so it's pretty much over anyway.

It took me talking to a therapist to see I was being abused. 10 minutes in she looked at me and said: You do realise you're being abused? I argued, but as we talked, it all became clear. I LTB a couple of months later, and even though I had no money or friends and had to start from scratch, it was the best thing I've ever done. And the kids are happier.

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/02/2017 16:48

The best thing to do is to get hold of your local Women's Refuge or Lighthouse. They'll give you advise and put you in touch with people who can help. They also have courses you can do to build up your confidence again. I wouldn't have been able to leave my ex if it hadn't been for their help. Good luck.

dowhatnow · 27/02/2017 16:48

I'm more concerned with why you couldn't discuss this with him. Surely in a normal relationship it would have been resolved the first time it ever happened. It looks like this may be the tip of the iceberg. I bet there is loads more that you don't yet realise isn't normal, because to you it is normal.

Anyway you can end a marriage for any reason whatsoever and your reason is as good as they get.

Good luck in your new life.

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/02/2017 16:50

advice

Adora10 · 27/02/2017 16:50

The OP is clearly on a different page to her husband

FFS, go away, have you read the OP, rather than thinking this may be normal in your life, it's not for the OP, she's took to wearing pyjamas to avoid him sexually exploiting her, how much more information do you need!

What kind of folk on here think it's normal for your OH to take photos of you (and where are they going) whilst wanking and moving your clothes down, and you have no fucken clue!

AhNowTed · 27/02/2017 16:50

Ruby the important point is that you're not comfortable with it. And it crosses your boundary. So do get some support and counselling for you both.

I still think that others calling your husband some kind of monster is alarmist and not a balanced reaction. But as said you both need to be on the same page sexually.. it clearly bothers you so he needs to stop.

Good luck x

MrsEvadneCake · 27/02/2017 16:53

Why does Ruby need to consider counselling. She is so uncomfortable in her own bed that she is having to wear clothes just to try and gain sleep! She does not want her bottom touched. She does not have to stay with someone while they try and work it out or try to correct his behaviour.
She deserves to sleep in a bed without taking steps to ensure her safety against unwanted touching.

LovelyBath77 · 27/02/2017 16:53

Has something gone wrong in the sex life, would there be some reason he feels he needs to hide his urges from you? Could he be scared of rejection? he sounds like a good man in other ways.

RyanStartedTheFire · 27/02/2017 16:54

This thread has really bought out the goady fuckers. Please ignore them OP. You're not in the wrong!

Adora10 · 27/02/2017 16:54

Any normal guy goes to the bathroom or has a wank in the shower, part of what he is doing is the excitement and thrill of her not knowing, he's a disgusting creep.

I pity any of you who look on this as innocent.

If I woke up to my partner doing what he's doing, esp taking pics, then yes TED, I'd call him a monster and he'd be out the door.

Adora10 · 27/02/2017 16:55

NO Ruby, you don't need counselling so ignore that too!

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