Am I really so stupid? DH has been sexually abusing me.

[RubyWhichOne]

Really can't believe I'm actually writing this. I have NC for this, long term MNetter here. I would love some support, please don't judge. This is 1st time I'm actually talking about this

I stumbled across a thread here about DP photographing OP while asleep, touching her and masturbating, and I was basically just reading what has been happening to me.
Been together 13 years, married 7 years. I have been ignoring his sexual behaviour way too long... 4 years ago I saw some photos on his phone of my bottom taken while I’ve been sleeping, confronted him, I was very upset and shouted at him. He was sorry, said he didn’t know why he took them. But we still continued living as normal, didn’t talk about anymore. Since then there has been countless of times when I wake up middle of the night, him masturbating and sometimes having his other hand on my bottom or sometimes trying to rub himself against me. Now, I have never confronted him about those times… I feel scared to do that. Not that he would become violent, just scared and frozen. Or ashamed. Probably ashamed. Have I normalised his behaviour? There might have been more photos taken, I don’t know. I DO know though, that 4 years ago wasn’t his 1st time. Again, I had chosen to ignore this.

Reading responses to this other thread has been eyeopener for me. I have never thought of it as sexual abuse. Some of you might think it’s so sick and disgusting, how can a person live like this. But seems like some can Now writing this down, I can honestly say I think I have been feeling so ashamed that I can’t even talk to DH about it, or confront him.

I don’t feel like I have anyone in RL to talk about this, really need to get my head around this..
I know I want to end our marriage. I have been emotionally distancing myself from him for few years now, I don’t love him. Yet, this is still going on and I’m not doing anything about it. He's great dad, everyone (including my family) just adores him. We do go out, go on holidays, have a laugh.
Where do you start? We have two kids too, that’s why I feel I MUST leave him. Even if he’ll never ever do this to our kids, I just can’t continue living like this.

Sorry it’s so long. I really needed to write it all down. That’s probably the bravest thing I’ve done in years.

And Ruby also has a bloody right to know what hes done with the photos.

Ruby, there is a quiet strength coming through in your posts. I'm glad you're taking steps to get away from these years of sexual abuse. And yes, it is abuse, and you deserve better - you deserve respect, and to feel in control of your body and what happens to it. I have no particular advice but I wish you well

AhNowTed

outrageous suggestions that he’s not fit to be around your children

It was actually OP who raised this first, in her OP. (Rightly so).

Your posts come across quite patronising and minimising.

*Adora, who said anything about videos.

And why do you think that a photo is automatically shared. Honestly that is ridiculous.
You may, but not everyone shares their photos on social media.. what makes you think they do? I certainly don’t.

You are frightening the OP unnecessarily with your preconceived ideas.

The OP has found a way forward. Can I suggest you leave her to it without making outrageous and unfounded assertions.*

You really are a prize prick Ted; a man that takes pics and I am sure videos too btw of his wife sleeping whilst he sexually abuses her, and Ted, the OP says this in her title if you bothered to read it.

You keep minimising his actions as though doing the above is A ok and he just wants to look at pics - I wonder, why then Ted he waits until she's asleep in other words unconscious.

No I am not frightening the OP, none of us are, we are genuinely concerned and worried for her safety and that of her children but yet you still insist on minimising his behaviour and slagging off anyone on here who thinks it's worrying.

Please just stop it.

Nobody has said he is definitely sharing the photos. It has been raised as a possibility, not asserted. That said, to think it is unlikely is showing a lot of naivety and lack of awareness as to what is going on in the big bad world. Males sharing explicit photos of their GF/wife/ONS (almost certainly without their knowledge or permission in the majority of cases) is epidemic. That is not just speculation on my part, I have seen it with sickening frequency on several male-oriented forums that I have been a member of and these are not ones that are even intended to be for adult material.

I also do not see why he would take a picture of his penis against her ass purely for his own personal gratification. That strikes as very much the sort of thing that a warped mind would think was great for sharing with his virtual mates.

This is not intended to scare the OP but to allow her to consider the wider possible ramifications of what he has been doing.