Can't cope with DC alone, ex moving away.

[KoKoTronic]

Ex and I have 3 dc, 6, 8 and 11.

We divorced 3 years ago. He has DC a fair amount, two days one week, three the next. We share weekends and weekdays/school runs.

I moved out of the city were we lived in order to afford a bigger house. The school run takes 3 hours a day but I was happy to do it as it was shared.

Ilive with my partner and we have a new baby.

Ex has decided he's moving to the other side of the country and will be seeing our DC every other weekend...

This is shit beyond belief for them, and I just don't think I can cope with the lengthy school runs and suddenly having them on my own for so much more time.

Chloe84, I think what many posters are asking is 'how can she say she doesn't want to disrupt the kids but at the same time acquire a new partner, new home and bring a new baby into their lives?'

The only thing she has chosen to keep in place is their school, requiring a huge amount of travel time and hassle for them as well as her, and that choice also prevents them from making local friends via a local school. How early do the kids all have to be up in the morning to get to school?

Taking the ex completely out of the equation so as to avoid any comparisons whatsoever, it was op's move out of the city that created the horrendous school run. It was made do-able because of ex's logistical support, which is no longer available. I don't blame op for being worried and upset, but a school move now seems like the most sensible option. Doing it sooner rather than later will avoid disruption in key exam years.

mathanxiety i do agree that it would be best to move kids to a nearer school. Especially as ex is moving away now. But OP moved to be able to afford a bigger house, which is good for her children. The ex is moving 6 hours away, which is detrimental to his kids. Yes, you could argue the ex has a right to move, but this is a massive disruption to his children's lives. To top it off, he has said he will not be paying maintenance. I don't see how anyone can have sympathy for him.

Please don't listen to the posters telling you to cut all contact and stop your child's visits.

It's best for your son to see a civil relationship between the two sides of his family and that will do him more good than tense, fractious relationships. Plus it's good for him to stay in a routine.

What your ex did was disgusting, but don't punish his mother. It sounds like she has the potential to be a good ally for support re childcare and stuff now you're on your own. It would be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

A bigger house is not necessarily good for the children if they have to spend so much time away from it travelling to or from school or if they can't have their old school friends around much because it's too far from their old stomping ground where the friends still live. I suspect she moved house because it suited her to move somewhere else, somewhere bigger, somewhere that would accommodate her new partner and the new baby, and the DCs just had to accept that.

Nobody (or at least not that I can see) has all that much sympathy for the ex. He has made choices that are incompatible with being a good father to his three children and will no doubt let his fourth child and new partner down too when he feels the pressures are getting to him. Sadly, he is not the first man to think he is entitled to just walk away and leave ex partners and children behind. He is making the mistake of seeing them as ex-children and it is to be hoped that that will one day bite him in the arse, big time.

But that gets the OP nowhere, and it is time for her to pull on her big girl panties and start making decisions with the children's interests front and centre, and she needs to stop blaming everyone else including her current partner for problems in her life. So she and he will both sit down and read about blended families, and he and she will sit down and discuss strategies to deal with the bickering and together they will try to get at the root causes of it. Together they will listen without trying to defend themselves if and when the children voice resentment of them for all the recent changes and talk about the pressures they are under.

It is very possible that the OP has hurried her family through too much upheaval, too fast, with the solution to that (staying at the old school) entailing too much effort and too many negatives to make it much of a positive solution to the problem. She may hear that from the children and it may not be what she wants to hear, but the ex's decisions are not the only problems these children are grappling with right now and she would be unwise to assume that is the case.

Chloe no I'm not making stuff up

I was saying that the disruption that the kids have experienced so far and the horrendous school run have all been caused by the op moving, moving in her partner and having a baby. Which makes it quite ironic that she's now moaning about her exH causing disruption to the kids.

I also pointed out that in her ip, she is not concerned about how her ex's move will affect the kids. Only how it'll affect her because she'll have to do all the school runs and have no break from the kids.

Of course it's not ideal that the ex is moving so far away. But the essential problem was already there as far as the kids are concerned.

Well she could have moved to a new town on the other side of the country and left her ex looking after the kids.

But that's not what women do. We're not even allowed to move on after our marriages fail according to some posters on here and can't even complain if our children's father suddenly decides to abdicate all responsibility for them

That's not what has been said at all.
OP has some responsibility of her own for a level of 'disruption' for the children, it is never a good thing in life to not take responsibility for your part in things.

Personally I think there is something more to the story, a good father who sees his kids frequently very suddenly becomes dreadful overnight? He is moving, which he is allowed to do, and he hasn't said he doesn't want to see the children. He's clearly also trying to take some responsibility for the woman he has got pregnant. And the maintenance wasn't mentioned until much much later, after the handwringing began. I wondered if the ex has a plan that he's fully got in mind - he's not got a job YET? Or he has gone from working full time to being on the dole? That doesn't make sense.

Of course you can move on after your marriage fails.

But to move on and then complain about someone else moving on, and only consider the impact of all the moving on and all the changes on your children when your exP moves is rather self indulgent.

OP I don't know why you have got such a roasting. I think it's perfectly obvious and justifiable why you are pissed off about this on behalf of yourself and the DC. You have moved on and got a new partner and baby but you are still the RP of your other DC and they are part of your family. Your ex on the other hand has basically dropped his kids with you the minute that he's got his new girlfriend pregnant. It really sucks.

But he's not just moving on

He's quitting his job, moving 6 hours away so the other end of the country, won't be working so no maintainance, his girlfriend is pregnant so his children may feel pushed out as instead of seeing their father regularly as well as every other weekend, they're now at a push going to get two weekends a month, some of which will be taken up with travel. I'd be resentful as well.

Where would the resentment get you, though?

I suspect that all the children are better off seeing less of a dad who would just stop working, cut off maintenance and move away like that. I really pity the baby his GF is expecting, whose father is not imo a shining example of how to do fatherhood.

I don't know if the OP is still there, but if I were her I would be firmly against the children having to spend 12 hours travelling every second weekend to see him. He should be the one who travels and arranges accommodation.

As long as op is female, you lot just jump on and defend them BLINDLY!

They are divorced.

Op has a new partner and baby.

She moved out of the city to a bigger house with her new partner further away from ex h

Ex h was supportive all along, but unfortunately has to relocate in order to look after his PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND that lives 6 hours away.

Ex h still has his kids every other weekend.

OP is technically not alone, except that she's got a man that is unsupportive who she decided to have a baby with while banking on her ex's support. That's the price you pay for stupid decisions ( my opinion)

This thread just highlights the impact of parents splitting up on the DC. It doesn't always happen of course and both parents should prioritise the DC when considering a move, but sadly this doesn't happen.

Your Ex is choosing to live or be closer to his new child, than his older DC.

When my DB got remarried, his wife wanted him to move to where she lived, but he said he/they had to live near his DC. It was non negotiable.

This is a disgrace that people are being so rude to op so cos ex gets a new gf he is essentially allowed to neglect his parental responsibilitys? Erm no no fair on the kids and ud all be pissed off too for ur kids sake but op ur new partner needs to treat all kids the same

OP - not a great situation you exh moving so far away but as it's happening, and is already going to be a big change for your dc, now is really the time to start getting practical and rethink a whole new family structure that is going to work for everything and try and make this the last big change for all of the children involved.

I think you have 3 areas to tackle

1. dc's contact with exh - agree with him something that is practical and sustainable, to avoid yet another change to the DC in future. As him to really think about whether he can really manage 12 hr round trips EOW and being away from new baby that much. I doubt it but that's something he needs to work out. Are there definitely no options for his new partner to move nearer to his home or has that already been considered? How will DC have a relationship with their new step mum/sibling with the distance? I do think you really need to ask him to really think hard about the practicalities of this new arrangement - the impact on the children including his new family and stress that whatever he puts in place now needs to be sustainable and long lasting to avoid more instability for the children

2. DC's schools - A lot of pp's have mentioned this I know but you really do need to rethink this. I appreciate that changing schools is unsettling but it will have to happen at some point and now really is the right time. 1) the dc's family arrangements are changing now anyway so best to get all big changes done at once rather than eek them out 2). Oldest Dc's is 11, if she has already moved to secondary, she has only just moved, it will be so so much harder on them if you leave it even another year when friends for life start to be established , school work is more intense, major changes in a teenagers life etc.

In addition to that when your baby starts school, you will need them all to be in one place, yay can't have new DC at local school and others elsewhere, it just won't work. Plus if you are planning to go back to work after mat leave, you will need school drop offs to be as quick as possible, your oldest dc to be able to get themselves to school etc.

3). Your partner's relationship with your dc. This really does need to change anyway otherwise your dc will really resent his relationship with your youngest dc as they get older. As others have said, read books together and decide together changes to make that would get him more involved with the children (start gradually if you can and build it up). He does need to get to a point where he can cope with all children at once. This should also help you when trying to work out your new family set up and new working arrangements (e.g had may need to do school/breakfast club drop offs to enable you to work).

I can't stress enough how important it is to address all of this right now and in one hit for the sake of the dc and also your sanity. You gave 5 children to juggle and you need to ease the stress in you and your partner as much as possible too.

OP, this is not going to be an easy situation for you. But please think long-term. No, they may not want to move schools but what happens when one of your DCs is poorly & needs bringing home early. Would you have to take all three (possibly two, if one is going to HS) home early because of distance?

You have a few options, albeit, not great ones but start putting plans into place.

Your ex has moved on. Although moving so far away, will impact the children. But as others have said, it depends on how you deal with it. It won't be easy.

OP I get the distinction of moving further out. 10 minutes outside of the city is nothing on a good day, but when the traffic is bad it can easily add an extra 15-20 mins on to your journey. TBH though even if you'd stayed where you were, the school sounds as if it would have been unworkable long term - you'd still have been doing 30 mins four times a day, which is bonkers.

Move schools. Seriously. The school run is a huge pinch point for you and as much as the kids might like their current school, they presumably don't enjoy having to be schlepped back and forth through shit traffic every day. Find something local and remove the pinch point as that will make life a lot easier.

There's nothing you can do about your Ex moving away. I agree about working with your DP to ask him to step up - he sounds willing but unsure and that's fine, sometimes people need a bit of guidance. Hopefully you can pull together as a family and minimise the practical impact on the kids. As for the emotional impact of your Ex's decision - too soon to say. Is he planning on being the one to tell them, or does he think that this is something he gets to swerve as well?

andaluchia you seem to be overlooking the fact that OP's Ex will also be seeing a lot less of his kids as the result of his decision to move - he's going from seeing them at least 3 days a week to EOW. There's also the fact that OP moved 10 minutes out from where she had been previously - whereas her Ex is moving six hours away! Shouldn't he be giving some consideration to the impact of this on his kids - or is he allowed to 'step down' and go to part time fatherhood if it suits him? I agree with OP in that if she'd said that she'd decided to move from shared care (which is pretty much what she has now) to EOW then she'd be roasted for it.