Can't cope with DC alone, ex moving away.

[KoKoTronic]

Ex and I have 3 dc, 6, 8 and 11.

We divorced 3 years ago. He has DC a fair amount, two days one week, three the next. We share weekends and weekdays/school runs.

I moved out of the city were we lived in order to afford a bigger house. The school run takes 3 hours a day but I was happy to do it as it was shared.

Ilive with my partner and we have a new baby.

Ex has decided he's moving to the other side of the country and will be seeing our DC every other weekend...

This is shit beyond belief for them, and I just don't think I can cope with the lengthy school runs and suddenly having them on my own for so much more time.

Another genuine question, am I supposed to defend ex h's move to the DC?

I don't want DC to sense any animosity between us, my divorced parents still loathe each other and it's been very difficult.

But on the other hand I don't want them to think I'm ok with his decision and that it's the sort of thing a father should do....

I personally wouldn't. I wouldn't criticise him at all but I'd validate their feelings "I know you feel sad/angry etc". I would also not sugar coat that it's the reason for necessary changes i.e. Clubs/schools/belt tightening etc.

But I'd try to talk about things like that in a matter of fact way rather than in anger.

I know you can't plan who you fall in love with but you can set some boundaries such as, "I am a Dad and so I will never move more than an hour or so away from my kids" so if that is a deal breaker let's not get into this relationship. I think he is very selfish. I would discuss moving schools with the children too as they are going to have such a rubbish life especially as they get older and want to do after school activities, parties and clubs at the weekend.

Yes I agree, validate but don't criticise. Only a question, just out of curiosity. Would your Ex-H pregnant girlfriend be prepared to move to where your Ex -H lives to facilitate contact with his already children or does he have to move there as she has already got children of her own? Just wondering OP

Will your ex come and stay locally when he has the children EOW?

Please tell me he's not planning to drive them back to his new house.

I hate to say it but I suspect the time with his children will dwindle away, especially when his new baby arrives.

I'm feel for you OP. It's really really shitty.

As Suspenders said I'd ensure they understand their feelings of hurt are valid and answer questions honestly and age appropriately.

Leave your feelings out of it though. If particularly the older DCs ask for your opinion directly I'd stick to a line of 'The distance is far from ideal but your Dad's going to do his best for all of you and your new little brother or sister'.

Give your DP some guidance as to how to answer the questions they'll likely have for him too.

Be wary as to raising their expectations of EOW being set in stone. I'd arrange holidays which are set in stone with your ExH well in advance so they can look forward to seeing him for longer periods then, whether at his new home or at Grandparents locally.

He's going to miss them like crazy and miss out on so much.

Do put serious consideration in to moving their schools, the start of the new school year in September would be a good time and you could at least arrange to visit local schools over the next few weeks while you discuss it with your DCs.

You bought books on amazon and sent your dp links on step-parenting?

Wow!

You're making this everyone else's issue. You chose to keep the kids in a school you had to have support in sending them, despite the fact only one was actually IN school at the time.

You chose a dp who clearly doesn't step up and treat your dc equally to his. And now have to coach him.

Yeah it's shit that the dc dad is choosing to move on with his life and the maintenance stuff is just cuntworthy, but the rest of it is all about you and how you've made less than perfect choices in school logistics and partners.

You're making a crisis out of a drama you could have easily foreseen and avoided.

I'm still on the fence with some of it even though people can't seem to believe it. OP has had a hard time because initially it did seem she was angry about ex abandoning her and the panic of realising how reliant on him for unburdening of the childcare and then more unfolded as the thread went on - in my mind, the lack of maintence and impact on the kids having to adjust to seeing the father less would have been my strongest initial reaction (and not the school run or having the kids more days of the week Iyswim).
There are good points and perspectives from everyone here, I don't think there is the need for such shock and horror that people have differing opinions on things in life that is just the way life is. At least with a range of opinions you can gather information and ideas and look at things from different perspectives.
There are some men who are cunts.
But you can't assume he is one from limited information.
I think he's making a bad choice here which is driven by having even more responsibility elsewhere now and it is sadly the resident parent who cops all the flack. I don't have a crystal ball, nor do I know if this is long term or short term or whether he will realise it's not working and make changes.
DP will also have to step up and I think having a positive mindset will be the best thing for the kids and your family unit. By all means be angry about it, that is ok. But already you can see that anger can be destructive and unhelpful. MN can tend to be a place where angry people band together to fuel the anger. I like to take the tact that anger has its place but so does compassion and internal reflection.
OP you sound more positive about the things you can change which is good.
As for the kids I would take a similar approach, it's ok to be angry but try to make the positives work.

How could th OP have 'foreseen and avoided' her co-parent buggering off six hours away? The step parent thing is a separate issue and muddying the waters around the original issue which was basically that the OP is going to have to go from closely shared care to basically none (with the children's actual Father ) and regadless of how easy or difficult the commute etc is that still is utterly crap and pretty scary. I agree there are things that can be done to make some of the practicalities easier but i think she is perfectly entitled to feel v v hacked off and worried about doing it all minus the previous support she had. As PP said, why is deemed aceptable for NRPs to do this? My ex certainly didnt ask me if I minded doing 99% of everything - just assumed i would.

But already you can see that anger can be unhelpful and destructive and unhelpful. MN can be a place where angry people band together to fuel the anger

I totally disagree that anger is unhelpful and destructive, I found it very useful actually in enabling me to get things done when otherwise I would have been on my knees. When it went I missed it and felt like a burst ball for a while. Anger is a normal reaction to people crapping on you, you keep saying Kiki "by all means be angry" and then contradicting that by saying the above.

Be angry. That's normal. Just need to look at moving on from it as an emotion to something more productive. So the anger isn't the dominant emotion driving things. Angry reactions and angry decisions aren't always balanced.
But all of the 'omg what a wanker I would be mad too' posts like this that contain zero helpful suggestions are just fuelling more anger in these situations.

I know it's annoying that your ExH wants to move so far away, but you seem to be focussed primarily on the fact that you don't think you can cope.

How would you cope if he were in an accident and died? You'd have no choice, you'd have to look after your 4 children full-time, with no "extra parent" to occasionally give you the weekend off. At least you have a new partner, single mums don't have that luxury.

So my advice is to suck up the annoyance factor, as you won't make your ExH change his plans; and find a way of making it work.

Count yourself lucky. Mine upped sticks, took all of our belongings, left us homeless and moved across the Atlantic.

pocketsaviour Wed 22-Feb-17 12:24:10
I cannot imagine anything more upsetting to children than a 50:50 arrangement, with so much constant change.
"Seriously? Imagination fail there then. How about:
NRP repeatedly cancelling contact at the last minute or just not bothering to show up
NRP forgetting DC's birthday every single year then saying "I'll buy you some clothes next time I see you". Big whoop
On contact visits, being interrogated by the NRP as to who the other parent may be dating
On returning from contact visits, being interrogated by the RP as to who the NRP might be dating
RP and NRP constantly slagging each other off and verbally abusing DC if they show any sympathy to the other parent
50/50 with two reasonable parents would have suited him a lot better, trust me"

Faint praise there for 50:50.

I don't need imagination to envision what might go horribly wrong with post divorce 'co-parenting' with an unreasonable 'co-parent', having been hounded and harassed in the court system and over the phone and my text by my own (lawyer) exH since 2008, with resolution finally on the horizon thanks to the appointment of a guardian ad litem last year to represent my youngest child. It has been a long, hard road for everyone involved, and it has included one call to police to investigate physical abuse of the two youngest children. My four oldest children do not speak to their dad and have not since they all turned 18 and were no longer obliged to spend time with him.

'Reasonable parents' is the rub, isn't it? Any arrangement with reasonable parents can be good for children, but an EOW arrangement with two reasonable parents is still infinitely preferable because they have one place they can identify as home, one bed, one place at the table. The children's need for stability is addressed, not the parents' need to feel they are being parents by slicing the children's lives up the middle. Just as a working parent is a parent all the time, contributing to the welfare of the children and setting a good example by working, a parent who is reasonable and sees his or her children EOW is also contributing, by allowing the children to have the experience of one stable 'home'.

I agree with Cuppaoftea's advice about how to talk about all of this with the DCs. You have to keep your own feelings out of this. Right or wrong, you have to let the children have and express their own feelings about their dad, and also about you and your new partner.

Agree with Hissy's post too.
Read whatever books you have bought together.
Read parenting articles yourself.

Links I posted upthread were for both of you.

Is the reason you are upset your ex is moving to a place miles away is that you won't have him around anymore wont be able to see him daily.

Why do you go to the exs house each morning when presumably you have the kids in the car already. Why the detour?

am I supposed to defend ex h's move to the DC
I don't believe in hiding things from DCs (with hindsight). I was brought up with a drunk DF, NOTHIng was ever discussed, at least not with me. I suspect it might have been with older DB.

Everyone ignores the elephant in the room. You, as a child, don't understand and it vastly inflated my view of DF's 'crime' (it must be so awful as no one, but no one, talked of it). And made my DM seem a saint (rather than the codependent she was).

Let the DCs know what is going on. You can say you are sad about his move. But they can work things out for themselves given the facts.

Glad you're feeling a bit calmer now OP. You're a mother of four DC and you have a DP and you'll manage, same as every other mother does.
You don't have to defend your Ex-H's move to your DC but you do have to present the facts to them in an upbeat way that minimises the effect it'll have on them.
As to moving schools, families move house and children go to different schools. It's what happens. Your children may not want to change schools but they have to. They'll make friends with the local children and everybody's lives will be easier without all that driving around.

Hi OP. I remember your original post on this.

I can understand your anger but it might end up working out better for the DC in the long run. (Though I was tempted to suggest you tell exH that the DC can't bear to be parted so want to move with him. See him juggle everything. But I digress).

You can establish a 'normal' routine and it may be easier for the DC to come back to the same house every night. Especially when homework kicks in and the books they need are always in the other house. Your new family will blend and your new DP will be more comfortable. Let's face it. If your DP was their DF you'd have them everyday!

The loser will be exH. You have to let him move on but he will lose closeness with his DC. And as they get into teens and don't want to miss parties to see him things might wane. But that's his problem not yours. You'll have set up a big happy bickering day-to-day life for them.

Who cares if we all think the EX should be roasted for moving away. It doesn't change the situation.

Op, I'm sorry for your kids but you really have to change schools. You can't keep doing this.

Hold on, so it's ok for you to move miles away but not him?

All this change and disruption you speak of. That's been caused by you had it not? (Moving, new partner moving in, new baby)

But you're "furious" because he's now doing something that suits his life.

And I notice that the effect on the kids isn't your main concern. It's the effect on you with the horrendous school run that you chose when you moved!

The OP has moved a few miles away - the children's dad has moved to the other end of the country. Not quite in the same league is it?

It is the OP's original move that has caused tvOS unsustainable school run

Bitoutofpractice

Are you seriously comparing OP moving 10 miles to her ex moving SIX HOURS away, and saying he will no longer be paying maintenance?

And I notice that the effect on the kids isn't your main concern. It's the effect on you with the horrendous school run that you chose when you moved!

OP is doing the horrendous school run because she doesn't want to disrupt her kids. Do you just make things up as you go along reading posts?

Kid.

Only one of them was in school. Year 1, possibly year 2.

The others weren't at school yet apparently