Can't cope with DC alone, ex moving away.

[KoKoTronic]

Ex and I have 3 dc, 6, 8 and 11.

We divorced 3 years ago. He has DC a fair amount, two days one week, three the next. We share weekends and weekdays/school runs.

I moved out of the city were we lived in order to afford a bigger house. The school run takes 3 hours a day but I was happy to do it as it was shared.

Ilive with my partner and we have a new baby.

Ex has decided he's moving to the other side of the country and will be seeing our DC every other weekend...

This is shit beyond belief for them, and I just don't think I can cope with the lengthy school runs and suddenly having them on my own for so much more time.

And even if your partner was the most hands on step dad in the world, it still wouldn't be unreasonable for you to be annoyed that your ex has chose to not financially support his children and reduce his practical share of parenting, it won't be him dealing with the tears and impact on the DC feeling like their Dad has left them for a new baby.

The father, as a parent, has a responsibility to get his children to school - I disagree that it isn't his problem.

There is nothing legally or physically to prevent him doing any of these things. Being angry doesn't get your kids to school and being angry doesn't pay maintenance. Being angry is fine but it won't achieve anything

It goes without saying that the ex is being a dick.

Genuine question, should a parents partner treat their own DC exactly the same as their partners? I mean in terms of cuddles, bedtime stories, attention etc?

Yes they should My DH does,he's an amazing hands on Dad,we have 5DC they're not all my DH's but anyone that doesn't know us would never know.
He treats them all equally if he couldn't do that then I would never had had a child with him,we have it extra hard as 2 of our DC are disabled and I became disabled a year after having our youngest.

My DH knew that if he didn't love my DC then we'd never had been together.

It is crap, especially about the maintenance.

You'll find a way to cope though. I know you don't want to upset your kids but sometimes things happen and everyone has to learn to adapt. It just can't be helped. I think you should look into moving to a local school.

Why are you so worried about your children coping with change if you yourself have introduced a new partner into your life and moved house and now have a baby to take care of? Not just any new partner but one who doesn't see the children as part of his remit even though you are all living in the same house.

You seem to have been counting on your ex to facilitate all the changes you wanted and foisted on your children, and you resent him for making a change of his own. He is not the problem here.

You and your P need to sort this out together.

He needs to roll up his sleeves and get more involved in the care and management of the children. I assume you are the one cleaning and cooking and doing laundry and keeping track of everything for everyone now, and this obviously will have to change.

You need to start your children in the local schools and stop complaining about your ex turning the children's world upside down.

What kind of things should I be asking my partner to do? He's pretty good when asked, he doesn't show much initiative though. He says he finds it difficult to know his place in the household.
Meal planning once a week with everyone sitting around the table, P writing the shopping list and the daily meal plan.
His special job can be deep cleaning the bathroom weekly without being asked, using the right cleaning equipment and sprays, etc. Daily once over of the loo and sink.
Getting to grips with school calendar and extra curricular activities and he can be responsible for entering all items into the family calendar (that should be in a prominent place in the kitchen) and he should keep a google calendar too.
Ferrying DCs to some extra curricular activities. Getting to know other parents and the DCs' friends.
Maybe organising carpooling with other parents to/from activities.
Keeping track of homework projects the DCs may have, reminding them of deadlines without nagging.

That is all doable, and all involves hands-on solving of practical problems.

The real crux is diving into the emotional undercurrents, and tough though it is, this has to be done or the house won't be a home.

You and DP should read a few books on blended families. There are many out there - buy a few and read them and discuss them together. You and he need to do this consciously and not just bumble along because the stakes are high for all the children involved.

He needs to understand that bickering is normal, though if it is constant or gets very personal/hurtful remarks are made it is a sign of unhappiness in the children, and the basic unhappiness needs to be tackled.
You and he could read these:
www.empoweringparents.com/article/6-ways-to-stop-sibling-bickering-and-rivalry/#

www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/parenting/when-children-bicker-stopping-fight-before-it-starts

So he wants to get out of paying child maintenance. Twat. Is he currently paying via child maintenance service?

I don't think anyone is saying what the Ex is doing is ok by the way and I'm sure if he posted here asking for advice he'd get ripped to shreds but the point is that he can legally do this if he wants and the OP can do nothing about it. No one is condoning his behavior.

Actually they are condoning it. Plenty of posts have said basically so what hes entitled to move on.

He's a scummy cunt op.

I would also prepare yourself for the visits to dwindle to once a month then even less than that.

What a prick.

I don't see why OP shouldn't be raging. Her ex hasn't broken any laws, so she's being told that she should just get on with it? She has NO CHOICE! She's going to have to. But she's allowed to be very angry. Her ex has just decided to abdicate parental responsibilities.

And it actually doesn't matter whether anybody else has a dick of an ex or not. It doesn't make OP's children's situation any better. I am an adult and certainly wouldn't want to be doing a 12-hr round trip every other weekend. And bearing in mind that means ex doing a 24 hr round trip (6hrs to get kids and 6 to bring them to new home, then 6 hrs to drop them off and 6 to return home), or ex on reduced income staying at a B&B or in someone's spare room, it's simply not going to be happening.

OP you really need to keep working. Reducing your hours will make you more vulnerable as well as your partner having a heavy responsibility which isn't fair on him. Is it possible to find someone who would pick your kids up (childminder type person) after school the days you work and you collect them from there? Or any after school clubs they can go to? Or you try and work one more main day but slightly fewer hrs per day? It's not ideal but something's got to give and it shouldn't be you and your kids financial security.

There are two seperate issues here and I'm not sure if your frustration is about your children seeing less of their father or that his eminent departure exposed a unsustainable schedule and unbalanced relationship with your current partner.

Firstly, you and your partner need to accept that he is a father of five and your home and relationship set up needs to reflect that. Secondly, having a schedule as bonkers as yours was not sustainable and you've Ex leaving has exposed that. Take this opportunity and start redressing the unbalances and start making decisions that are not solely based in the short term, schedules with out slack are a terrible burden (speaking as a SP to one with zero support).

I can totally understand why your partner is having difficulties going from NRP of one to NRP to one and RP to four but you both should have put really more thought into the future implications of that, did you both really think there wouldn't be instances where he wouldn't be expected to parent all five at the same time.

I get your reluctance to move schools because your children have been through a lot in a relatively short time and they shouldn't have to bear the brunt of the not thought out plans of their parents but if you want that to change that you need to start making better strategic decisions..

Your Ex is not the only person who' is doing your children a disservice (and yes he's a massive dick for not thinking how his actions would implicate his children), it's long overdue that all the significant adults in their lives start making sustainable decisions and this is an opportunity to do so.

i understand 45mins there in morning, but really it takes 45mins each time? my commute is longer to school than back and the afternoon is quieter as well.

the only real option is for them to move school.

it's shit. he's a shit. but u need to find a workable solution.

and tell ur dp to sort his act out. kids bicker. suck it up.

I think you're only hacked off as you've had it quite cushy with XP having the kids so often - giving you time to get a new boyfriend and have a baby.

You'll have to move or your P will have to pull his finger out. Thems the breaks.

We live 10 minutes outside the city. It's 15 minutes to ex h's house, from there another 20 minutes to school. This is at rush hour btw. Four runs as in there, home in the morning then the same again late afternoon

Why are you going via ex h's house. 15 mins to ex h"s house then 20 minutes adds up to 35 mins x 4 runs per day = 2hrs 20 mins. That is the journey I did without help for the past 10 years. I didn't think there was any issue in doing it on my own.
Or do you have to get to the city first then go to exhs house then to school.

You can choose to be angry with ex, you can choose to feel helpless about your new dp's lack of input. You are justified in feeling angry for both. However, neither emotion will help you.

Your ex is going, it's a done deal. Are you confident tgat ge can keep to the every other weekend arrangement if he is not working or working pt? Petrol costs money and a six hour drive is a fair bit of petrol. Is he the type to get sick of the drive five months on? will whoever he is staying with mind having three kids every other weekend? These are the really burning questions now for your children's sake.

Same for you: You pretty much have four children on your own now. If you were to split up with new dp, could you afford it on your return salary? Could you do the school run on your own? Plan accordingly.

And then your Dp. I think most people would prefer not to look after five children alone, but there are only five every other weekend right? so you try to make sure you are always together for those while they are young. On weekdays, I really don't see why you both can't be left for an hour with the four of them. The school age children must be fairly autonomous now right? But I wouldn't expect either parent to do long long stints with a one year old as it knackering. My main concern would be affection, is your new dp showing them love and affection? maybe the move your ex will make him feel more involved? It may bring you together or pull you apart. His choice.

I think it's awful that he's moving six hours away from his dc, and I'm sad for them because it will feel like he's abandoning them to focus on his new family.

Being charitable, he has watched you move on with your dp and new baby, and now he has fallen in love and wants to move on too.

Hopefully, having been such an involved dad, he will keep his promise about seeing them every other weekend and do everything he can to reassure them.

And as others have said, you are not a single parent at all and chose to complicate your life by moving, having a new baby and keeping your dc in schools that are a long car journey away.

I think your post has rubbed some people up the wrong way because lots here really are single parents, often struggling with complicated logistics not of their own making and without such an involved ex.

It was naive to make all of those decisions based on the assumption that your ex would always want to be so involved.

Now you need to rearrange your life so that you can cope.

Your ex is arsehole. The person who claimed what he is doing "isn't a problem" is a idiot and should be ignored. Also, ignore all the post condoning what he is doing because you had the cheek to move ten whole fucking minutes away! Good God woman, the cheek of you! You should be ashamed.

Thanks for all the advice, I've taken everything on board.

you've had it quite cushy with XP having the kids so often

Err, not sure about this though. Why is it considered 'cushy' and not par for the course that their father should be part of their day to day lives and share in the care?

Opifeel for you, the whole situation sounds a mess

Does your school have a breakfast club you could use so you could take them in before the rush hour starts ?

Kikikakaa

I don't believe in piling all your anger onto someone and making it their problem it's not a grown up way of doing thing

What does this mean? Are you saying OP shouldn't express her feelings to her ex?

Anger is actually a healthy emotion. It shouldn't be bottled up. You're asking OP to bury her anger which is terrible advice. That's not to say OP should scream and shout at her ex, but she can feel anger and express it clearly.

You ex is going to do a 12hr round trip every other weekend? He should to see his kids, don't get me wrong, but that's not going to be easy.

Also, the school runs are absolutely ridiculous. Can you envisage that for another 7 years minimum?

Finding this such a depressing read. Slating a woman for moving 10 mins away and having another child whilst having the 'privilege' of an almost 50:50 split with her dc's father, but it's no biggy for that father to then opt out of meaningful parenting in terms of time, responsibility or financials. It's the op's fault for daring to have a life of her own in the first place.

Follow him, start afresh. The DC can have a new school and pick up their old routine and still have their dad in their lives.

Genuine question, should a parents partner treat their own DC exactly the same as their partners? I mean in terms of cuddles, bedtime stories, attention etc?

Yes they should My DH does,he's an amazing hands on Dad

I thought the consensus on MN was that the new partner does not have the right to discipline or make major decisions for the SDCs But that that is left to the parents.

I would get DCs to ask their DF not to go. Assuming they are upset that he is.
If you tell him you are all moving to be near him it might make the new GF less than happy, as she isn't getting him to herself, so might make him reconsider the move.