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Original poster

Can't cope with DC alone, ex moving away.

193 replies

KoKoTronic · 21/02/2017 21:07

Ex and I have 3 dc, 6, 8 and 11.

We divorced 3 years ago. He has DC a fair amount, two days one week, three the next. We share weekends and weekdays/school runs.

I moved out of the city were we lived in order to afford a bigger house. The school run takes 3 hours a day but I was happy to do it as it was shared.

Ilive with my partner and we have a new baby.

Ex has decided he's moving to the other side of the country and will be seeing our DC every other weekend...

This is shit beyond belief for them, and I just don't think I can cope with the lengthy school runs and suddenly having them on my own for so much more time.

OP posts:
Original poster
KoKoTronic · 21/02/2017 22:46

I had a baby because I didn't expect my DC's father to up and leave, slashing his time with DC by more than half. If I had any inkling he would do this then perhaps I would have thought twice.

OP posts:
AstrantiaMallow · 21/02/2017 22:47

OP - Apologies if it wasn't you but did you not post about this before? When your ex first mentioned it?

What do you want to happen? Clearly if he's made his decision then you will have to pick up the pieces unfortunately, and think practical. I'm on my own with my kids after my exh buggered off abroad, with no help.

The only thing you can do is get organised and find support elsewhere. I understand you're annoyed but it won't help you. Sorry to be blunt. Does he pay towards the children and will he continue to do so?

Original poster
KoKoTronic · 21/02/2017 22:49

He is leaving his job and is not planning to work so he won't have to pay an penny... he claims he can only work part time as he needs the flexibility to see all his dc....

OP posts:
AstrantiaMallow · 21/02/2017 22:50

I see. So you're on your own. What does your partner say?

EweAreHere · 21/02/2017 22:51

Presumably you alredy knew your new partner wasn't helping you with childcare where your children are concerned, and yet you decided to have a baby with him.

I think you have created a lot of your own difficulties.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 21/02/2017 22:51

Why do you get to move, gain a new partner and baby but he can't make the same choices?

Either move them to a local school or give him custody.

Moaning that you have to take care of your own children makes me feel very sorry for them. There's little in your posts about them and all very me me me.

FrancisCrawford · 21/02/2017 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kikikaakaa · 21/02/2017 22:53

So you have a crappy partner who doesn't help you but you had another baby with him?
And your ex is starting a new family across the country and he's letting you down?
And it's ok for you to move away to have a baby but he cannot.

I think overall I just feel sorry for the kids they cannot really feel settled. As no one knew the reasons for moving it was not ok to jump all over the man before the story was told - that's not 'defending' someone it's having half a story!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/02/2017 22:55

Does your DP not help with the DC? Do you work?

MrsRhettButler · 21/02/2017 22:55

I think op is getting a bit of a rough time. Yes she moved first and yes she has made changes in her life too that the dc have had to get used to but now their father is moving a LONG way away and that is going to impact on them.
Op I can see why you don't want to move them from their school right now.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/02/2017 22:56

My partner doesn't really help with childcare apart from the baby

Sorry just seen this. So your DP treats the DC differently then? Sorry but that isn't on.

Original poster
KoKoTronic · 21/02/2017 22:59

Why do you get to move, gain a new partner and baby but he can't make the same choices?

I have moved ten minutes away and share care of our DC. You are missing the point. He is moving to the other side of the country and slashing his time with his DC.

OP posts:
Cuppaoftea · 21/02/2017 23:00

I feel for your elder 3 DCs about to see a lot less of their Father. When you say 6 hours drive away do you mean 3 hrs there, 3 hrs back which would be exhausting enough for them EOW. Or do you mean 6 hrs drive there which is surely impossible for them to do EOW and visits would need to be more occasional weekends and for longer periods in the holidays.

Your ExH is moving to be with his GF and unborn new child so it's hard to criticise him.

Your DP needs to treat your DCs more equally and help out with them all. Is he unhappy they'll be living with you full time?

Agree with pp, change their schools before your eldest gets any older and a move becomes more difficult academically and socially.

Original poster
KoKoTronic · 21/02/2017 23:01

Genuine question, should a parents partner treat their own DC exactly the same as their partners? I mean in terms of cuddles, bedtime stories, attention etc?

OP posts:
Kikikaakaa · 21/02/2017 23:01

I think the hard time comes from the pitiful poor me attitude that came across initially, that it's hard for her to cope. That's not her exes fault she chose a partner who doesn't help or the kids fault. So it's adding to the other issue of him moving away, because it's not just his children he is leaving it is OP.
I'm a single mum and it doesn't affect me where their dad lives because I do not rely on him, kids see him on a set basis and I don't have a useless partner who won't help me. I live close to school.
So there are other factors that can be changed instead of lumping the entire blame on the ex who is moving - which is shit, but it's the kids who need to come first not OP unfortunately

Original poster
KoKoTronic · 21/02/2017 23:02

Yes 6 hours one way.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/02/2017 23:02

Genuine question, should a parents partner treat their own DC exactly the same as their partners? I mean in terms of cuddles, bedtime stories, attention etc?

Imo when they live with you, yes they should.

Emboo19 · 21/02/2017 23:03

Is your 11 year old at secondary school or due to start this year? I'd think that would be a ideal time to move schools really. The younger two will adapt pretty quickly.

If you really can't cope though, would their dad take them full time and you have them
every other weekend?

Mrscaindingle · 21/02/2017 23:04

I'm a bit Shock at some of these posts who think it's OK for this man to move a good few hours away from his children and see them less and Rainbows post is particularly rude. It is absolutely not the same as moving a short distance away with your kids.

And I say this as a single mum whose ex decided to live abroad and I have no partner to help me. He is now back but decided to move to another city and so still is not around for activities, parents evenings, homework etc etc. It pisses me off that there is just this expectation that I will pick up his slack all the time. Of course I will as I love them and want the best for them but divorce should not mean that you get to cherry pick and just do what you want.

FrancisCrawford · 21/02/2017 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsRhettButler · 21/02/2017 23:05

Yes they should op imo. They should love them because they love you and should care for them in a loving parental way and no child should get more attention than any other.

Kikikaakaa · 21/02/2017 23:05

Honest question that how can 10 mins away equate to 3 hours on a school run? It doesn't make sense.

To whoever asked about step fathers helping with kids - yes a man who lives in my house, with my kids and a half sibling would be a parent. A boyfriend who didn't live with me and no half siblings then no, not as expectations.

My DC have a step mother and a half sibling. She feeds them, takes them places, gives them attention etc etc. She's no longer 'daddy's girlfriend' if she lives there with their half sibling

PatriciaHolm · 21/02/2017 23:05

"Genuine question, should a parents partner treat their own DC exactly the same as their partners? I mean in terms of cuddles, bedtime stories, attention etc?"

Ideally, yes. Especially when their stepfather came into their lives when they were very young. He doesn't get to opt out of parenting primary school age children if he loves and wants a family with their mother.

Original poster
KoKoTronic · 21/02/2017 23:06

What consists of helping out? I'm interested.

So DP will drive them to clubs, swimming etc. He won't let me leave them all with him though as he says they bicker too much. The other weekend he took the youngest two out for a short hike in the countryside while I looked after his dd (she stays with us at weekends).

OP posts:
MrsRhettButler · 21/02/2017 23:06

I would not live with a man who didn't love and care for my dc

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