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Original poster

Can't cope with DC alone, ex moving away.

193 replies

KoKoTronic · 21/02/2017 21:07

Ex and I have 3 dc, 6, 8 and 11.

We divorced 3 years ago. He has DC a fair amount, two days one week, three the next. We share weekends and weekdays/school runs.

I moved out of the city were we lived in order to afford a bigger house. The school run takes 3 hours a day but I was happy to do it as it was shared.

Ilive with my partner and we have a new baby.

Ex has decided he's moving to the other side of the country and will be seeing our DC every other weekend...

This is shit beyond belief for them, and I just don't think I can cope with the lengthy school runs and suddenly having them on my own for so much more time.

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 21/02/2017 23:08

Yes, the children should be treated the same. Or you shouldn't have married him/had children with him.

It's about character.

Gottabeyou · 21/02/2017 23:09

6 hours away one way?! So literally one end of the country to another? That's not sustainable every other weekend with small children is it.

MadMags · 21/02/2017 23:11

Genuine question, should a parents partner treat their own DC exactly the same as their partners? I mean in terms of cuddles, bedtime stories, attention etc?

If he's going to live in their childhood home, then yes.

MadMags · 21/02/2017 23:12

And in fairness, that's probably something you should have thought about before moving him in and having a baby with him!

SandyY2K · 21/02/2017 23:13

A three hour school run is madness, but I even shared.

Start looking for a new school they can go to and explain that daddy is moving away and they'll have to go to a school closer to home.

It will reduce your stress levels in the long run. If you continue doing it alone, you'll be no good to anyone.

Put everything into perspective and make plans.

OverOn · 21/02/2017 23:14

I'm still trying to work out how moving 10min away equals a three hour commute and why there are 4 school runs???

Cuppaoftea · 21/02/2017 23:15

6 hours one way, 6 hours back. Surely you and ExH need to rethink EOW then. Or is he planning to make the journey down to see your DCs locally some weekends so they don't have to do all that travelling so regularly.

Yes your DP should treat your elder 3 and baby the same in terms of attention, cuddles and helping with bedtime for younger ones, school runs, homework and clubs etc for older ones.

Original poster
KoKoTronic · 21/02/2017 23:19

We live 10 minutes outside the city. It's 15 minutes to ex h's house, from there another 20 minutes to school. This is at rush hour btw. Four runs as in there, home in the morning then the same again late afternoon.

OP posts:
Kikikaakaa · 21/02/2017 23:21

when you say 'his DD' do you mean the baby you have or another child of his?

Not letting you leave him alone with them doesn't suggest a man willing to step up to being supportive to any of you

bloodyteenagers · 21/02/2017 23:25

So what happens if say you have to go into hospital for extended stay? Your new partner will abdicate his role within the household?

Of course someone moves in with children they take on the role as a parent. Unless they are a lodger or other family member.

Kikikaakaa · 21/02/2017 23:25

It sounds like he has 2 kids of his own
So if he treats them differently and you are expected to deal with all 5 alone but he won't then yeah, he's a dick

scottishdiem · 21/02/2017 23:29
  1. A 6 hour journey away is not a good thing for the kids and that is going to be very hard.
  1. That school commute is far too long. High school change and children young enough to change (I had three primarys when young - no problem) means that it should be looked at.
  1. Not sure you have chosen well with your new DP. Should have been able to demonstrate parenting abilities with your kids when he moved in with you all before bringing another child into that house. Yes, he should be able to look after them and do a lot of the caring duties.
housewifedesperate · 21/02/2017 23:32

It's rubbish when a man/ woman apparently abandons his children for a new life but it happens.
My ex h lives 10 mins from us and hardly sees our children. Everything is down to me. They're older so maybe easier practically but emotionally very difficult.
You just have to learn to get on with it. I get annoyed thinking about the situation I've been left with because of my ex h selfishness but I wouldn't have it any other way.
I love my children and feel blessed to have them.

Ferrisday · 21/02/2017 23:34

Blimey
I don't really think the length of the school run is the main problem, it's the idea that ex won't be around to do any of it.
Once you bundle the kids in the car, the length of time in the car shouldn't really matter.
The OP has 5 children to juggle.
Her ex has 3 of those children half the time.
I think she's entitled to be a bit upset with him that he's moving that far away.
OP- is he going to travel to you to see them, where's he going to stay?

Ferrisday · 21/02/2017 23:35

But yes, your new partner needs to do more

twattymctwatterson · 21/02/2017 23:37

First of all, your DP doesn't sound great OP. You've posted about this before but have since name changed am I right? You were told you WBU then but I can't remember the exact details, was there not a plan in place for your EX to come back EOW and stay at his parents so the kids don't have to do the commute? It's sad for the kids but EOW isn't that unusual. What stands out (and your last past was the same) for me is that you are much more concerned on the impact this is going to have on your life than theirs

Original poster
KoKoTronic · 21/02/2017 23:39

Thanks guys.

What kind of things should I be asking my partner to do? He's pretty good when asked, he doesn't show much initiative though. He says he finds it difficult to know his place in the household.

OP posts:
TattyCat · 21/02/2017 23:41

Op, assuming your ex is moving to where his partner lives? In which case, he'll presumably have been conducting a long distance relationship anyway, so will be used to the 6 hr journey? Then let him come back to see his DC EOW so that they don't have to travel.

I can't really see it being sustainable anyway - if he's not planning on working, or only working p/t then how will he afford the journey EOW? Whichever way you look at it, it's going to be a PITA all round.

But I echo those saying that you really should be want to be with ALL your children ALL of the time, regardless of anything else.

Original poster
KoKoTronic · 21/02/2017 23:43

I'm devastated about the impact it's going to have on their lives, I'm running myself ragged trying to make it all as easy as possible for them. I'm desperate for them to be happy and settled which is why I'm not moving their school, just yet anyway. I have said I'm struggling to cope with the new situation. Apologies if this sounds like I don't care, or the fact I'm struggling somehow negates my feelings towards my DC.

OP posts:
TattyCat · 21/02/2017 23:45

Op, do you work outside the home?

Original poster
KoKoTronic · 21/02/2017 23:51

I'm on maternity leave at the moment. I'm going to need to rethink things though. My main days were the ones that ex had our DC.

OP posts:
OverthinkingSpartacus · 21/02/2017 23:52

People are comparing the OP moving ten minutes away to him moving six hours away. Her contact with DC didn't reduce due to her move and any loss of earnings affects only her household.

IF OP did similar to dad and had said she is moving six hours hours away to be with her boyfriend who she is having a newbaby with and that she is keaving her existing children with her ex, reducing contact to every other weekend after doing three days a week and also quitting her job so wint be paying child support to her existing children either she would be torn to pieces.

People would be giving the dad lots of support, mother would be called a selfish cunt who doesn't love her existing DC.

It's interesting that several people are telling OP that if she can't cope she shoudlnt have a baby with new partner, but not blasting Dad for choosing to have a baby with new partner knowing he's cutting contact massively and also stopping his financial contributions as he's choosing to quit work and move six hours away.

Kikikaakaa · 21/02/2017 23:53

It is not ideal ex is moving away. You didn't say why so it wasn't easy to have a picture. Like I have said, I don't rely on mine. He's lived 5 mins away before and doesn't have them extra.

You have come to rely on him in many ways and now this shows gaping holes in your DP's efforts. Giant ones. The fact YOU feel as abandoned shows this.

Ex obviously has himself in a mess, where now he has other priorities and has to try fit everyone in, so he must be equally stressed out right? Have you tried getting a plan together? Maybe it isn't ok him moving away but he sounds like a good father otherwise, is he trying to do the best by all his kids, maybe there is compromise

You have to make some changes to save your stress. You have to ask DP to step up.

You cannot go to ex and say 'you can't move, how will I cope without you because my DP doesn't help and the school run takes 3 hours' because your choice of DP kinda isn't his problem.
You need to mitigate the other factors and focus on saying to him how can we make this work for the kids? What's best for them?

Cuppaoftea · 21/02/2017 23:57

On what he should help out with does your DP work full time and are you a SAHP Op or do you work/will be returning to work after Mat leave?

On finances it isn't acceptable your ExH is withdrawing financial support. I would say he should work full time to support all his children, save on spending on all that travelling and yes see your DCs less often but for longer periods of quality time in the holidays.

If your DP pays maintenance for his DD and is now going to be the main earner supporting all 7 of you financially that would be a huge strain.

Kikikaakaa · 21/02/2017 23:58

It's really pointless being angry with ex - he will do what he wants to do and then they will have a crap co parenting relationship. I don't believe in piling all your anger onto someone and making it their problem it's not a grown up way of doing things. Sometimes things happen outside of our control, there is literally nothing OP can do to stop him going, so it's about finding ways to make things work.

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