Can't cope with DC alone, ex moving away.

[KoKoTronic]

Ex and I have 3 dc, 6, 8 and 11.

We divorced 3 years ago. He has DC a fair amount, two days one week, three the next. We share weekends and weekdays/school runs.

I moved out of the city were we lived in order to afford a bigger house. The school run takes 3 hours a day but I was happy to do it as it was shared.

Ilive with my partner and we have a new baby.

Ex has decided he's moving to the other side of the country and will be seeing our DC every other weekend...

This is shit beyond belief for them, and I just don't think I can cope with the lengthy school runs and suddenly having them on my own for so much more time.

Koko, it should be considered par for the course but a lot of the time doesn't end up being the case.

Wanderingtrolley

I think you're only hacked off as you've had it quite cushy with XP having the kids so often - giving you time to get a new boyfriend and have a baby

As OP and Itsnice said ^, 50:50 split is not 'cushy' for the OP, it should be the norm.

Just because some posters have it worse does not mean OP doesn't have a right to be upset. Her kids will suffer and so will she. A lit of these posts are about keeping OP in her place and not becoming a 'martyr'. It IS depressing.

Agree with itsnice. If my dc's 50/50 father just upped and left it would a)be devastating for them b)change all their routine c) massively impact on me, not least because significant childcare would be needed.

The whole thing sounds a right mess.

Sadly, there are two bad men influencing your life & decisions. Can see why the ex is moving however, that shouldn't negate him of responsibility but, the bigger issue here is your new partner.... WTAF is he doing?????

My ex moved 2 hours away to be with OW. I am fucking furious that he chose his relationship with her over them. He only sees them for 24 hours EOW and they end up missing parties, hobbies etc because they are far away and miss him terribly. Despite him trying to portray me as bitter and jealous what I am most angry about is the opting out of parenting. If he has stayed local to us I would have demanded 50/50. Why the fuck should be get to just bugger off and not have to deal with any of the day to day stuff, juggle work and childcare etc? Why on earth should the stepfather in the OP have to step up to fill the void that the actual Father is creating? And as for the father leaving his job to facilitate his new set up and reducing maintenance? What happened to being responsible for the children you create? When you're a parent maybe you don't get to just 'move on' and be entitled to do what you like.

As for the commute. .in and out of city centres can easily turn a ten minute journey into 45. My kids used to do it and while it wasn't ideal in some ways it did give us lots of time together to chat, play games, do spellings and sums out loud (they would ask too)! and listen to audio books. It's a lot of time out of the OPs day but it's not terrible for the kids.

I agree with PP that your children have been through a huge upheaval in having your boyfriend move in and a new baby come along. Children are very resilient and adapt easily.

Move them to a local school, the are all young enough that it isn't going to disrupt their education with regards to exams etc. If you can't cope with the school run on your own you really have no other choice.

Eow is pretty standard for NRP, DD1 has this with her dad and she doesn't feel does missing anything. In fact, as she is getting older, she has so much going on with clubs and friends that midweek she is very busy and going to her dads wouldn't fit with that if we did it that way. You may find the same with yours as they grow up, that more time at home offers better stability and routine for time doing activities and having fiends over for tea after school etc.

As for your boyfriend, I honestly don't know what you see in him if he is so dismissive of your children. DP treats DD1 exactly the same as our two children together, there is no distinction between them. If he didn't love my daughter, I would never have moved in with him, let alone have children with him!

Your poor kids are likely fully aware that he doesn't care for them, how hurtful it must be

Your poor kids are likely fully aware that he doesn't care for them, how hurtful it must be

^ this. Especially the 11 year old!

I'm sorry to anyone who thinks it's mean and harsh. It's perfectly fine to be angry, and if you want posters to just tell you he's a cunt then that's fine too. I don't believe men are the fate of women's destiny so not always happy to indulge in sympathy for choosing rubbish men to have kids with - I chose a rubbish man to have kids with, this is partly my fault too. I have some portion of responsibility in the situation too, as do you and all other parents. Some choose to give their parenting rights up or change things and it's shit. It's shit for the kids.

My own personal bitter experience has shown me that you can't make someone do the right thing. That is life. It's a horrible part of life. You can't make him stay. Be angry about it.
Practicality wise, you can do things. I've given advice on that.

Yes agree that the posts telling the op to suck it up and the the ex has a right to move on because she did are beyond depressing. You are allowed to be angry Op for your kids because it is shit for them emotionally if nothing else, however you will get on with it and get past it because you really have no choice not because certain posters tell you to.

Angrybird are you me?

I have only heard of 50:50 being the supposed norm on MN. In real life I don't know any parents who share care 50:50.

There are seven single parents in my workplace including me and all the fathers do every other weekend, apart from my ex who barely sees the children at all, just the odd hour here and there and there is nothing whatsoever I can do about it.

OP how long have you been living with DP?

The Op's DP is getting a hard time.

He has his own prior responsibilities with his DD from a previous relationship, helps out with the baby.

Does assist with clubs for the Ops DC and will provide activities like taking the younger two for a short hike.

How old is his DD Op? With an age range from 11 to newborn taking them all out together on his own and keeping them all happy is tricky. Going out both together with the kids or one of you taking the older ones to something while the other has the younger ones is probably the way to go for now. He will still need some one on one time with his DD too.

Op has said her DP is willing to do more but is looking to her for guidance. Up until now her elder 3 DCs Father has been very involved in their day to day care and it's understandable her DP is unsure of his place within the household.

It takes takes time to blend a family.

This man is now taking on financial responsibility for all 5 of the children too and day to day routine is about to change hugely for the whole family. Not helpful to slate him unreasonably when he's willing to step up.

Gottabeyou

I have only heard of 50:50 being the supposed norm on MN. In real life I don't know any parents who share care 50:50.

Not saying it is the norm, just that it should be.

I cannot imagine anything more upsetting to children than a 50:50 arrangement, with so much constant change.

I can't believe how many people are excusing the ex's behaviour!

Of course he's entitled to move on, but he has responsibilities to his children! Why do so many people think it's okay for men to fuck off and leave their kids?!

His behaviour is awful, OP, and you have every right to be pissed off.

I cannot imagine anything more upsetting to children than a 50:50 arrangement, with so much constant change.

^ this

Cushy that a father sees his children 50:50???

There's little hope then

I'm always amazed by the number of people on MN whose advice is to move schools.
Am I the only person who thinks that this is a really disruptive thing for children?
It would always be the last resort for me.

OP, if you don't have to go via Ex's house for school run, will it now be shorter?

OP, I feel so sad for you and can't believe you are getting such a hard time. You must be devastated about the situation and how it will affect your children, and you have EVERY RIGHT to be pissed off at the inconvenience of you now having to do all of the week-time care, when your expectations had been that this would continue to be shared out fairly between your DC's parents.

I feel like you have been let down by both of the men in your life in varying degrees- your exH, who has chosen to start again so far away, and your current DP, who I do not think is picking up enough of the slack for you.

However, I think you need to get out your annoyance and frustration and then draw a line under it. it is what it is. You have to make some serious decisions about the wellbeing of your children (including your new baby of course.) I am guessing that there is no school bus or that the children could take to their school, and I am assuming that they are too young to navigate the city on their own). however, driving for hours and hours each day is not sustainable long-term, especially if you need to get back to work. I hear what you say about your children not wanting to move schools, but sometimes it's just not possible to accommodate your children's preferences and, as the adult, as the parent, you have to make a hard decision which takes into account the bigger picture. In short- you're going to have to move to a smaller house closer to the school, or move the kids to a school closer to home. Or else you're going to have to suck up the incredibly shite driving situation and learn to live with it until the kids are a bit older and capable of making their own way.

Your exH, assuming he maintains contact, will presumably now want to take the children for chunks of holiday during the school breaks- this might turn out to be a really big help to you once you are back at work.
And, while it is undoubtedly not fair, you are going to have to suck it up and be prepared to help ferry the kids to him, or even halfway, now and again.
It's so unfair, but the main thing is to do all you can to preserve their relationship, while not putting yourself and your kids under any more pressure than is necessary by having a ridiculous school run, if at all possible.

I cannot imagine anything more upsetting to children than a 50:50 arrangement, with so much constant change.

Seriously? Imagination fail there then. How about:
NRP repeatedly cancelling contact at the last minute or just not bothering to show up
NRP forgetting DC's birthday every single year then saying "I'll buy you some clothes next time I see you". Big whoop
On contact visits, being interrogated by the NRP as to who the other parent may be dating
On returning from contact visits, being interrogated by the RP as to who the NRP might be dating
RP and NRP constantly slagging each other off and verbally abusing DC if they show any sympathy to the other parent

Honestly I can think of loads more, and these are all examples from my own experience with DSS. 50/50 with two reasonable parents would have suited him a lot better, trust me. :(

Have just read through all your posts, thank you, loads of great advice. I'm feeling much better today.

We're having a whole family meeting tonight. I've bought DP a couple of books on Amazon and sent him some articles on being a good stepfather.

I've drawn up a rota so everyone has a role to play, even if it's just laying the table.

This thread has really made me realise how important it is we pull together as a family now, emotionally and practically.

I spoke to the children about this on the way to school and they said I sounded like Greg's mum from the diary of a wimpy kid movie, ha.

Another one here pretty confused by some of the posts...

The fact is when DC's non-resident father is very involved it leaves very little room for the mother's new partner to effectively step parent.

OP has been co-parenting with her DC father. If he's anything like my own partner, her DP probably tries very hard not to step on any toes at the same time as trying to be as present as possible and not show it when he ocassionally feels like a spare part.

The fact he is not as hands on as their father doesn't mean he doesn't love them. And in this situation he has no choice but to treat his own child differently.

OP herself is probably unsure of how much she can rely on her DP as she has probably tried hard to establish a balance and boundaries herself over the last few years.

As PP said, blending families is so hard, it's a fine balancing act and every family is different. To say OP and her DP "should" be doing anything is unfair.

OP if I were in your situation, I'd want to know my DP was ready to step up to the plate and understands that he now has to change his role. Have you had a chat about this? Can you agree specific ways he can pitch in?

I'd also be loathe to change DC's schools. Mine spends 2/3 nights a week at their dad's and because of this I like to keep everything else as steady as possible.

But in this case, I'd be really tempted, especially for the younger 2. And they will have each other for support.

For eldest, I think they're old enough for an honest discussion. That it's going to be very difficult and talk to them about the advantages of changing schools. If they want to stay at the same school, they'll have to be prepared to go to after school club/breakfast club everyday, take the bus when they go to high school etc.

If your ex is going to be stopping child support, 30 mins burning fuel in city centre traffic every morning will be a significant saving to make.

I know it's devastating for the kids that they will see their dad a lot less and it will have a real impact on your life, but i also think there are advantages to having longer periods of time settled in the one house as a family
unit. Hopefully your family unit will become a lot stronger.

I can't believe people were excusing OP's ex's decision to move away and someone even said it would be acceptable if it was for work or a great opportunity etc.

How is this ever acceptable? How has the OP done anything wrong in assuming he would stick around to continue to co-parent and basing her own life decisions around that? She'd have faced equal criticism if she'd have settled her DP in as a replacement father and tried to prevent the 50:50 arrangement with their natural father.

Are mothers supposed to just constantly hedge their bets so these dickheads can pick and choose? Such a frustrating thread.

Just wanted to add that DP does help out if I ask him to, he really does care about the DC too. It's more that he not as 'hands on' as their dad and he's not really confident in his role. I think he needs Some guidance.

X post suspenders!

Yes hoping that our family becoming stronger will be the silver lining.

Sorry x-post!