He says he doesn't want to get married.

[thisisallnewtome8]

We have been together 3 years. Over the weekend I mentioned that I would like us to get married at some point. We have both been married before. Only DP said he doesn't want to get married again. He doesn't see the point of it. It has no bearing on how he feels about me.
I feel crushed to be honest. How can he marry one person. Decide not to marry me and for me not to feel second best?
Is marriage really not important?
The reasons behind wanting to get married.

1. I love him
2. I want to be his wife.
3. I want to feel part of his family and not an outsider.

His reasons for not getting married

1. He doesn't see the point
2. It doesn't mean anything

Marriage wouldn't be much of an issue for me either way but I would be worried about the relationship with the children if something went wrong. If he died or you split up would you have any rights to have access or custody of the children? Would you want it and would they want it? I think your relationship to the children is everything in this. I can't see why he wouldn't want to marry the woman who is the only mother figure in his children's lives.

I completely understand where ha is coming from. I was married and divorced and am now with dp. He is amazing man, I love him very much, he lives in my house and helps raise my children. But I just can't face marriage.
I can't put myself through it again, the thought sends shivers down my spine.
He would dearly love to marry me, he has never been married before.
It doesn't mean I don't love him more than anyone else (except kids obviously) but I have a real block as far as marriage is concerned.
(Am also divorce lawyer so my view of happy ever after is somewhat screwed)

I can see where he's coming from. I've been divorced twice and married three times. There is no way I'm doing it again if something happened to DH. If there were a dealbreaker for a partner, then we'd have to go our separate ways.

I'm not sure you can compare divorce to being widowed though. I can see how someone who has been married and then gets divorced wouldn't want to go through that again, knowing how it feels for a marriage to fall apart and the agony of going through the divorce process.

But someone who has been widowed was presumably still in love with their husband/wife, so for them, marriage doesn't hold that kind of pain, in fact many widows/widowers will look back to only the good times in a marriage as the relationship ended due to death not other reasons, and they would presumably still be married now if death hadn't occurred.

I'm not. If I found myself single again, it would be because DH died. And after three times, just no. Not ever wanting to do that again. It's like wanting more children, just no, not ever again.

And not all divorces are painful or about pain. Plenty are a relief.

I can see why he doesn't want to marry again. If that's a dealbreaker for her, then she needs to walk.

Ellisandra. That was kind of you to share that. Pretty much all those things happened.
I think three years is too soon to be discussing the children because I honestly think if anything happened now they would live with their grandparents. In five years time who knows?
I totally accept his reasons but think there are more reasons.
He wants to keep her status as wife in place.
Maybe I need to harness a bit of Ellisandra and be fine with that. We don't have a past but we could have the future. I just need to decide if it will be enough without marriage.

. I'm not saying he is a bad person, because he doesn't sound like that, but still, the emotional risk is big for you and less for him.
OP can walk away tomorrow without a backwards glance and he'll have himself plus two heartbroken kids to deal with, how is her emotional risk bigger?

Op there's lots of posts playing you as live in nanny and house keeper when he clearly managed 5 years without you . He's not talking advantage financially and not wanting to inherit makes sense under the circumstances.

So saying that, if you marry today what will happen tomorrow? What will feel different?

Yes you'll be his wife just like his late wife but it will still be different as they had children together. However you also being parents together albeit differently. Possibly even grandparents together one day.

So what difference does it make and is that enough?
He might feel different in 5or 10 years, is your choice time bound?

Have the kids ever mentioned it?

Momma, his risk is less because if they do break up, he still has those children. The OP doesn't. She is risking total emotional commitment to children where she has no legal recourse if things end badly.

If she is okay with that, then fine. But imo it is something she needs to consider.

Momma, his risk is less because if they do break up, he still has those children. The OP doesn't. She is risking total emotional commitment to children where she has no legal recourse if things end badly.

if they marry and divorce she still has no legal recourse to his children.

But even if they were married and then divorced I'm not sure she could force contact? So she made that decision three years ago. There is emotional risk is different but it makes her sound like a love sick puppy and his the purveyor of housewife services to make out she's more at risk of being hurt than him if the relationship dissolves

I would be more hurt by a widower not wanting to ever marry again than a divorcee. To me it would be cementing her as the "one true wife" and the love of his life and me as second best.
That would affect our relationship.

It doesn't make either of them sound anything of the sort. Not in my head, anyway.

Divorce doesn't give anyone PR or rights, but if she has raised the kids as their mum, I think it would put her on more solid ground to get access if she was married to the dad. Marrying someone is the legal way of stating intent to permanently commit and I think it would give her more weight than as a girlfriend. But it is just my opinion. Divorce situation not really relevant now as I don't think she would go down the legal route anyway. It is relevant in the scenario of him dying while the dc are still young though.

but if she has raised the kids as their mum

but she hasn't raised them as their mum, OP has already said she doesn't not act as their mother, they don't call her mother so your point is invalid.

I understand that 2rebecca. I have struggled with that. At some point I have to let go of my anxieties and just live my life. If and when the point comes where I have to decide between marriage or him. It won't be done over arguments and screaming matches. I will just walk away.
He is a good man. He doesn't want to hurt me or his children.
Maybe saying no to marriage to me avoids conflict within himself at having to let go of another thing with his wife.
It's not for me to judge. He's been through enough. He's always been honest and I have to respect that.

A parent with PR where no other person holds PR can go to court with a partner/family member and obtain a PR agreement with pretty much no issue.

They can also nominate a guardian in a will which confers PR on the guardian when the parent dies (this is not possible if someone else with PR exists)

It's only been three years. How can anyone think his kids see her as a mother figure?! Unless I'm missing something and they were under a year when she died.

It's just too soon to be making these sweeping assumptions about her place in the children's lives. Of course I would want DH to move on if I died but I really wouldn't want him to plant someone else in their lives as mother figure so quickly.

I'm assuming he didn't introduce them all straight away, and then introduced her slowly, because that's the careful / mature way to do it. So how long has OP actually lived with these kids? 2 years? Less? And people think their whole futures should be hung on her peg should anything happen to the dad? I think that's totally mad personally.

Peggy, I do disagree that she isn't raising them as a mum. They don't have to call her mum for her to be one to all intents and purposes. She has said that she is sharing parental decisions etc. They are only 3 years in at present so I get why he may not he ready but as time goes on her commitment to the family grows.

I do still think that at some point her position in this family ought to be formalised. If she can live with him not wanting to marry her then she still needs the legal stuff that protects her relationship with the dc and stops her being turfed out of her home if he dies. I do still think that her risk is greater than his because the house she loves are his and the kids she loves are his and if it ends tomorrow he keeps all that and she doesn't. That said, I know marriage is no certainty, but to me it is a sign of intent.

But obviously this isn't about me - it is about what the OP is willing and able to live with.

Ellisandra, you put that so well, I feel the same. Let's form a widowers new partner club!

"At some point I have to let go of my anxieties and just live my life. If and when the point comes where I have to decide between marriage or him. It won't be done over arguments and screaming matches. I will just walk away"

Easier said than done.

You describe him as an honest man. He is but he has not been completely open with you till you asked him about marriage. He has told you that his reasons for not getting married are that there is no point and it to him does not mean anything. Those reasons as I have said before are very flimsy and really do not stand up.

Ultimately you will need to decide for your own self.

And I do not think he has been completel

I think he has problems accepting the fact that he feels guilty for moving on. We have never talked about marriage before which is odd as we discussed children straight away. I guess it's because I wasn't particularly bothered about getting married again up until now which is when we did discuss it.

You describe him as an honest man. He is but he has not been completely open with you till you asked him about marriage but that's the same bit ways isn't it? OP never said it was a deal breaker (as it wasn't at the time) so they both went into this or too bothered and now she's changed her mind (well within her rights of course)

OP howpng have you been living together?

We've been living together 18 months

18 months isn't very long, especially as he has the dc to consider. Still early days. He could well decide he wants to get married later on as the family cements together.

OP, can I ask why you have started to want marriage recently?

I don't know. I felt as if the relationship was progressing and that marriage was the natural next step.
I didn't mean I wanted to get married now. I just wanted it to be something we both wanted for the future.
Maybe when the youngest was older. I didn't realise it was going to be a flat no.
That was quite a conversation stopper.