He says he doesn't want to get married.

[thisisallnewtome8]

We have been together 3 years. Over the weekend I mentioned that I would like us to get married at some point. We have both been married before. Only DP said he doesn't want to get married again. He doesn't see the point of it. It has no bearing on how he feels about me.
I feel crushed to be honest. How can he marry one person. Decide not to marry me and for me not to feel second best?
Is marriage really not important?
The reasons behind wanting to get married.

1. I love him
2. I want to be his wife.
3. I want to feel part of his family and not an outsider.

His reasons for not getting married

1. He doesn't see the point
2. It doesn't mean anything

Also, he could be wary of tempting date or being superstitious. He got married. A bad thing happened. Now, something good had happened (you). Maybe he doesn't want to jinx it. This is very simplistic, but men are generally simple souls.

Silly Autocorrected words there. I think it makes sense.

parker231 A relationship can end as easily whether married or not. Exactly.

My DP was absolutely against marriage when we were first together 2 years ago, because of the cost more than anything. And in his mind it 'doesn't change anything'. But it's important to me, and I explained this to him. He loves me, and what is important to me is important to him. He proposed on NYE and we've decided to get married this summer. Time changes things, and love is the beginning and the end of everything, as they say.

Put forward a clear case on why it's important to you, and give it time. If he doesn't budge, then reevaluate how much it means to you.

"I honestly don't have a problem with him not including me in his will"

Well you should do. Is this also because he is stubborn and or fear his reaction if you say anything. You have been caring for his children these past couple of years after all at cost to you in terms of your overall earning power.

Marriage is not just a piece of paper; its a legal contract. If marriage is also just a "piece of paper" why are they so terrified of it?. Are they really saying they are frightened of a piece of paper, after all a college degree or a deed to a house is a piece of paper. His reasons for not wanting to marry do not stand up at all to any degree of scrutiny and say an awful lot about him as a person. You feel crushed for good reason, if you are deemed good enough to care for his children then why does he not want to marry you?.

I think what you have is a conflict of values. You believe in marriage, he doesn't. It's not that different, really, to you having slightly different religious or ethical beliefs, or even something more trivial like how you furnish your house. What matters from here on out is how this gets resolved. Are you the kind of couple who can talk this through with the acceptance that one of you might not get their way? Is a compromise possible, or is this a dealbreaker for one or both of you? There isn't a 'right' or 'wrong' set of beliefs on this issues - what matters is that you're honest. If you really are crushed inside at the thought of not marrying this guy, maybe he's not the right one for you. You don't want to have to nag or emotionally pressure him into it: it's undignified and demeaning. That doesn't mean that you can't have a sensible, adult conversation where you find out where each other's boundaries might lie.

So can I ask something? For everyone saying 'it's important to me so therefore important to him' why couldn't you just accept his wishes? I'm not trying to be goady. I just don't understand how can convincing someone your idea is the better option and the only solution a positive aspect of a relationship? Don't you ever think ' he only married me because I wanted to'. Which is another thing I want to avoid.
I either want to accept his decision and just live our lives together as a family without being or having the prospect of marriage on the table. Or, accept it's a deal breaker. Only problem to that is that I only want to marry him

I couldn't live with the lack of security long term, I'd feel like their house guest.

You could have been with him another 20 years and then one day he (or his children in the event of something happening to him) could ask you to leave. And you'd have to, just like that.

I have been widowed I also mistakenly remarried after.

If Jason Statham knocked on my front door right now telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me my response would be "Mr Statham you can have half an hour naked if you bring a chocolet fountain but marriage no way.

And I'm pretty sure that on some level I love Jason Statham

If someone attempted to pressure me to marry after I had told them it was not something I was interested in (and obviously they continued the relationship) it would be a deal breaker for me. If you leave because he has no further intrest in marrige, to me that would be very weird indeed,
Surely you want to marry him not someone who comes along after you have walked away from him

I've just realised that since his kids are young, he must have only got married in the 2000s?

So it's not like back in the 50s where you only got married cos it was what was done.

I can really see how it would rattle you, OP.

What is the earning power cost Attila? OP is full time. If she was part time specifically to care for his children it would be completely different. Actually she's done quite well out of this financially (rent/mortgage free living, thus allowing her to rent out her house and build equity whilst enjoying whatever left over rental income there is). Im not sure I see the argument that she's entitled to half his current assets.

Atttila OP has not' been caring for his children for the past two years at cost to her earning power!' They both work and have childcare.

The main issue is that she should explain to her DP why she wants to get married and then if it's still a 'no', to decide whether she still wants to stay with him or not.

thisisallnewtome8

re your comment:-

"Am I prepared to live my life with someone who did believe enough in marriage once but now says it doesn't mean anything? Or should I change the sentence from 'it doesn't mean anything to him' to 'I don't mean anything to him? '

Think that is the heart of the matter OP. Also this man did believe in marriage enough at one time to marry his first wife. I think he primarily sees you as good enough to look after his children and in turn him.

On a wider level what did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?.

Are you also not wanting to make it into an argument because of his potential reaction?.

Attila. That's interesting and something I have pondered. I'm good enough to be a mother but not quite up to standard of being wife material.
Cuppa. There is nothing I need financially from him. I would never have a problem leaving. I have my own house/security.

I didn't convince DP, he asked why it was important to me and I told him. And a few days later he came back to me and said he understood my view and that in the future it's something we can talk about. It helped I guess, that I never wanted a big wedding. He has a lot of resentment for wedding related companies who charge shit tons because they can. We've worked out that we can keep it under £1500. Current total stands at £1100, so plenty left for unexpected things.

I'm quite old-fashioned in this regard. If someone clearly after 2-3 years said they had no intention of marrying me, I would end the relationship. It's important to me, and it should be more about romance than legality or money. To my mind (my opinion/feelings only), if someone said, "I love you but I don't want to get married", I would believe that they did love you, but that they didn't love you ENOUGH. That would be the deal breaker.

And in the words of The Proclaimers, "Yes it's just a piece of paper, but it says I LOVE YOU"

Shovetheholly. Thanks for another point of view.
I'm not sure how this image has been painted of me somehow looking after his kids and his home whilst he's off doing other things.
We live like a family. We are fortunate that we don't have to juggle childcare and can maximise time spent all together. There is a nanny/housekeeper that steps in when needed.
I'm sorry if it's come across as 'poor me'. I just wanted a place I could voice my concerns and here different opinions.
Thanks everyone it really has been helpful.

Do the kids call you mom? I must say it's not something I would like to happen if I had passed away,seems all very quick in 3 years.

The marriage thing could be down to beliefs he maybe saw it as a one life time commitment not something that is repeated in the traditional sense dispite you pretty much living as a married couple. Remember he married his wife not expecting her to pass quickly they most likely thought they had the rest of there lives together. Personally if dh died it wouldn't feel right to remarry. You've got to decide what you want.

Sorry shovetheholly. That post wasn't directed at you. I really appreciate everyone's viewpoint.

I'm very conflicted by this. I'm nearly 40 and no one has ever wanted to marry me. I'm not sure if it was the men I was with or me or what. I did find that however hard I tried with my LTR ex partner, I resented his refusal to get married - but I felt it was something he had said he wanted, then he backtracked. I found it hard to forgive. We had children but I was always upset by it. In fact when I left him it was something he tried to get me to come back with 'ok I will marry you now if you stay' and that was tainted forever from that point.
Whereas your DP has not done this back tracking, so there won't be as much resentment. Maybe a sadness. My DP has been married before me and I am yet unsure if marriage is something he would do again.
So I might have to accept loving someone doesn't come with the marriage part and never experience it, ever. Not only never be a bride but never take those vows. I'm conflicted as I know deep down it is a strange feeling.

No they don't call me mum just my name. Also his wife died over eight years ago so some time before I arrived.
I'm just the first serious relationship since.

I wanted to add that part of me does also find it as a feeling of rejection or not good enough, but the other part of me has made peace with the fact it probably won't happen, and if it did I would only want to if the other person was 100%. Any less and I wouldn't

Do you feel like you are the mother of these children? Or more to the point, do you want to be, legally? Do they see you as a mum? Because as things stand he could leave you tomorrow or die and you have no rights as their parent.

I would not want to invest emotionally in dc whose lives I could be cut out of at any time. Being married doesn't give you PR but it holds more weight than being a girlfriend.

My honest instinct is that he is protecting his dc's inheritance, which is what I would do in his position. I think you are taking more risks than him, maybe that is the way it has to be when he has dc and his priority is to not put them at any risk. But I agree with you - I would feel second best.

I saw that in your earlier post Op which is a fantastic financial position to be in, I didn't mean the security of a financial share in his house though.

Rather that in another decade or two, when his house would have been your home for such a long time, it would be rather devastating to have to just pack up and leave out of the blue. Whereas if married you would have a legal right to stay there at least while you came to terms with everything, gave notice to your tenants etc. and got organised practically.

There are ways he could protect their inheritance, legally and still marry so this sounds more emotional