He says he doesn't want to get married.

[thisisallnewtome8]

We have been together 3 years. Over the weekend I mentioned that I would like us to get married at some point. We have both been married before. Only DP said he doesn't want to get married again. He doesn't see the point of it. It has no bearing on how he feels about me.
I feel crushed to be honest. How can he marry one person. Decide not to marry me and for me not to feel second best?
Is marriage really not important?
The reasons behind wanting to get married.

1. I love him
2. I want to be his wife.
3. I want to feel part of his family and not an outsider.

His reasons for not getting married

1. He doesn't see the point
2. It doesn't mean anything

The motivation for his desire not to marry you is likely to be largely money IMO.

It doesnt seem like you need to get married, unless of course you really want to, but you have to decide if you want it more than him. Do you definitely not want children? If not and you have a good job and are financially secure, why bother? Is he concerned about his children's inheritance?

Attila OP has her own home (rented out) and a well paying job. If God forbid her DP did die she is still financially independent of him. Well done her.

In no way does she need a fight over his Will with his kids after he dies.

"We maintain separate homes and finances and inheritance is simple that way".

I think seeking your own legal advice would be a very good idea particularly if you have not done that to date. A chat with a Solicitor would tell you how the land actually lies. His estate upon death could be quite complex to sort out particularly if he has not made a will.

Im not sure about the will to be honest. I would suspect everything would go to his children. Im absolutely happy with that. I am not financially dependant on him at all. I've never felt as if I've been expected to look after his children ever. I always thought it was very kind of him to show enough faith in our future to let me play such an integral part of their lives.

well you are minding his kids.
he's doing very well out of this if you ask me.

i'd call it a day.
let him manage on his own.

"In no way does she need a fight over his Will with his kids after he dies".

Indeed not but she is currently caring for his children. I am asking what legal provisions he has made for her in his will if there is such a thing in place.

If she is good enough to look after his children daily then why won't he marry this lady?. I do think that his own high earnings are playing a part here.

I'm not just minding the kids. We both work full time and there is child care in place if both of us are not there. Isn't that what families do?

I would be very wary. Essentially he can take advantage of you as a stepmother to his DC and as a wife in all practical senses while not granting you the security of marriage. He could ditch you when the DC leave home and you would have no recourse.

I am a widow and would be very cautious about marrying again specifically because of the implications for my DC's inheritance. I would have to be very deeply committed to reconsider my Will. I wonder whether your DP is thinking the same way? What if you stay together into old age, he dies, and you find yourself out on your ear?

Attila we both have made Wills. No problem at all as everything is separate and we each have a home of our own (as does the OP)

yeah but you are minding his kids still.
like i said - he has it nice and handy.

It would be a deal breaker for me as well.

And TBH I can see why it's almost more upsetting given he's a widower, because it shows that he essentially could only ever give that part of him to his first wife who is now no longer here, and although he's moved on physically he clearly hasn't moved on emotionally

And tbh I'm surprised that given he's lost a wife he doesn't consider the value in marriage. Presumably his wife died of an illness? In which case he would have had control of her final affairs, been her next of kin, been able to liaise with hospital staff etc. He wouldn't have any of that if he wasn't married to you - your next of kin would be your immediate family i.e. Parents. He wouldn't even be able to register your death if the worst happened.

He's entitled to feel how he feels, but so are you. But for me I couldn't live with that so I would have to walk away.

Yes I think the inheritance issue is important. I honestly don't have a problem with him not including me in his will. I am financially well set up for retirement.
I was hoping romance would play a part in wanting to get married.
I just wanted to clarify. In no way is he using me as child care. He managed very well before I arrived and I have been allowed to integrate myself at my own pace with how much or how little I felt comfortable doing.
He was and continues to be an amazing father. Just wanted to be clear on that.

I think that's unfair. She has a job. She lives with him and rents out her own home for profit. She hasn't as far as I can see given up work to be some sort of love in Nanny to the kids free of charge. She loves someone who happens to come as a package with kids. He wants to ensure his children get everything that was his and their mother's when he dies. That's what I would want my dh to do if I were to die. Op is financially independent. She doesn't rely on him. She will not be at a disadvantage of he dies .

Wannabe that is it exactly in a nutshell

"I always thought it was very kind of him to show enough faith in our future to let me play such an integral part of their lives." and yet "I want to feel part of his family and not an outsider".

He's got his bread buttered both sides. You, OTOH, haven't

"His reasons for not getting married

1. He doesn't see the point
2. It doesn't mean anything"

It absolutely does mean something. It's a legal contract. That he doesn't want to enter into.

yeah but he won't marry you!
like someone else just said - he has moved on physically, mind you. they always do.

Senua. I think that just points out that he has done everything he can (marriage aside) to make me feel part of the family. For me though I would still feel like an outsider if I just remained his partner.

If it's REALLY not important to him, but you are important to him, and getting married is important to you, then surely he wouldn't have any problems getting married to you?

It seems often people who say this really mean "I don't want to get married - to you".

I say this as someone who has no desire to be married ever.

Have you teased out the financial/inheritance implications with him directly? Have you said - I want to get married but of course as soon as we do you/we should make a will, clearly detailing the separate assets and leaving all 'your' assets to your kids.

He might not be sure how he would want it all to work out and is just avoiding the issue. If he realises that it's the marriage you want, not the finances, he might see just how important this is to you.

Does it really matter? He's not saying he doesn't love you or doesn't want you in his life. A piece of paper shouldn't change anything. A relationship can end as easily whether married or not.

If I were you I'd concentrate on enjoying your life together. If you turn this into a big thing, you'll risk loosing him.

My DH is a wonderful man and we have had discussions about the future "what if" scenario. DH said quite matter-of-factory that he would have other girlfriends as he wouldn't want to be alone. He also said that he would never marry again as I am his wife and always will be.

So, don't do anything drastic. Your DP does sound a good man, so don't throw it away for then sake of a ring. But if it's a ring you're after, why don't you have a commitment ceremony? I know two different people who did this. It's a formal (ish) exchanging of rings, a few words pledging your troth to each other, and then a bit of a party or a nice meal.

For me, this would be a deal-breaker because I'm pretty traditional and I believe in the enterprise of marriage.

Do you think that he is committed to you in every sense, but feels marriage is trivial? Or is this some kind of reverence for his first wife?

Honestly I'd be a bit troubled by this.

I'm very much hoping to not make it into an argument. I'm trying to come to terms with what's a deal breaker or not.
Am I prepared to live my life with someone who did believe enough in marriage once but now says it doesn't mean anything? Or should I change the sentence from 'it doesn't mean anything to him' to 'I don't mean anything to him? '

If you turn this into a big thing, you'll risk loosing him.

I hope OP has got more self-respect than that. He risks losing her.