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Original poster

He says he doesn't want to get married.

217 replies

thisisallnewtome8 · 20/02/2017 16:22

We have been together 3 years. Over the weekend I mentioned that I would like us to get married at some point. We have both been married before. Only DP said he doesn't want to get married again. He doesn't see the point of it. It has no bearing on how he feels about me.
I feel crushed to be honest. How can he marry one person. Decide not to marry me and for me not to feel second best?
Is marriage really not important?
The reasons behind wanting to get married.

  1. I love him
  2. I want to be his wife.
  3. I want to feel part of his family and not an outsider.

His reasons for not getting married

  1. He doesn't see the point
  2. It doesn't mean anything
OP posts:
storynanny · 21/02/2017 09:16

I think he does love me as much as he loved his late wife, they were together from young age for 15 years til she died and went through the tricky period of not much money, bringing up young children, coping with her long term illness. It is a different sort of love because we are in a different phase of our lives.

MuseumOfCurry · 21/02/2017 09:17

OP I didn't mean that you're casting yourself as a high-roller or something. More that I suspect that quietly, in your head, it's a part of your identity. I may have gotten that wrong based on your last post.

Original poster
thisisallnewtome8 · 21/02/2017 09:18

Storynanny. Thank you for sharing that with me. As I said earlier I won't be leaving him. I don't want marriage more than I want to be with him. I also don't want this to affect our relationship and become the only topic I can focus on.

OP posts:
Original poster
thisisallnewtome8 · 21/02/2017 09:20

Museum. Actually you may be right. So many people have said how lucky I am because he's wealthy. They've kind of forgotten I've done just fine without him. I may be a bit touchy Blush

OP posts:
storynanny · 21/02/2017 09:22

Thisisallnewtome, I understand exactly, you are financially secure, that is good. I am too, but I still get everything you are saying.
I have a good friend who was also widowed around the time of my partner and brought up children on his own. He has been in a relationship for 2 years and they have recently moved in together. He has told me that he wants to get married eventually to his partner. The reason being, it is what she would like, never having being married before and he wants to do it for her. So everyone is different and has different feelings about marriage/not marriage.

senua · 21/02/2017 09:23

I like Mrs Salvatore's advice of referring to yourself as FWB or the current girlfriend and see how he reacts.
I also like the other suggestion (sorry, forgot who to name-check for that) of compromising on some other form of ceremony. Not a wedding but a public declaration in front of family and friends of 'this is for keeps'.

Mittensonastring · 21/02/2017 09:23

I didn't want to get married but DH did, we did end up getting married. We are possibly getting divorced though very civil.

Regradlesss we have a DS so there is no way I'm marrying again and it's all about asset protection for me.

I also think as he is now not married because he is a widower that is very different to a break up. If you were not working and a sahp then I would say leave immediately.

Original poster
thisisallnewtome8 · 21/02/2017 09:26

Mitten. May I ask. When you say you didn't want to get married were you against it or just neutral about it?
I think it was Attila that brought that up before and it was an interesting point.

OP posts:
decemberdaze · 21/02/2017 09:49

I also don't want this to affect our relationship and become the only topic I can focus on.

Unfortunately OP from all I have heard and experienced I don't think your feelings about this will go away. I can't be too specific but I was in a similar situation and said to my now DH that I wanted to be married. If it was not what he wanted that was his choice but I would not feel able to stay with him. I didn't want to marry anyone else, it was the belief that I should mean enough to him that he would want me to be his DW.

It took some time but he came round to understanding why just being his GF or whatever was not enough for me. We are very happy, he is proud to call me DW and DC's inheritance was also safeguarded legally.

Original poster
thisisallnewtome8 · 21/02/2017 10:19

December. Can I just ask. Why did he need to come around to your way of understanding? He originally told you he didn't want to. Shouldn't the decision have been made on that information at the time? After a while he decided he did want to marry you. How was the relationship during this time? Did you discuss marriage frequently or never mention it again until it became an ultimatum. What was it in marriage that you wanted that you didn't have without it? These are the questions I'm asking myself. Not picking holes in your relationship.

OP posts:
Surreyblah · 21/02/2017 10:57

I don't understand why you and he haven't clarified who would be guardian to the DC should he be incapacitated or die.

MuseumOfCurry · 21/02/2017 11:01

I don't understand why you and he haven't clarified who would be guardian to the DC should he be incapacitated or die.

This is a very reasonable entry-point to open this discussion. It is entirely unacceptable for him to allow you to serve as their mother figure without making arrangements for their guardianship should he die.

What's the age range of the kids, by the way?

If it's just because you haven't raised or pressed the point - then maybe now's the time to do so? If it's because he's uncertain, then that points to a problem.

Batteriesallgone · 21/02/2017 11:18

They have only been together three years though. He might feel it's a little soon to make such a permanent decision as guardianship of the kids.

Surreyblah · 21/02/2017 11:26

But these things should surely be discussed before a new step parent moves in?

MuseumOfCurry · 21/02/2017 11:37

Somehow I missed that they've only been together 3 years, despite it being in the first line of the OP.

peggyundercrackers · 21/02/2017 11:40

I'm being honest in saying I want to be as equal in a relationship as his late wife.

from what I'm reading this is as much about his dead wife as it is about your feelings. WHY are you comparing yourself to his dead wife? get over his ex-wife and what he had with her - their relationship is different to the one you have now with him.

Batteriesallgone · 21/02/2017 12:12

As much as the advice here is sound, I think if I was in a relationship with a widower with young children, I would expect it to take a long time for him to think of marriage again. 5, maybe 10 years? When you're 'free' you can just go on love - but when you are responsible for kids too, sometimes everyone needs the familiarity and security of time served before making huge long term decisions that affect everyone.

It is a sign of a good man I think that he is not rushing this. Whether you can hang on to see if things change is obviously a very hard decision but I don't think it means he's done you wrong.

decemberdaze · 21/02/2017 12:15

OP, yes I can see I wasn't clear:

DP didn't say no, but would just put his commitment to me in vague terms and I didn't feel it was good enough for me. I felt if I'm worth being with then I'm worth being married to.

Knowing me, he came round to understanding that I would have to take his non-commitment as a 'no'. Our relationship was and is always very good, this issue had no bearing for him but it did for me. DH's divorce took a long time which I didn't like if I'm honest, and we discussed it more than once.

I wouldn't like to give the impression I bullied DH into it, he is not a man you could ever bully. Smile He wanted to be romantic and propose after all was done and dusted, but frankly the timing was all to buggery. It was taking years, and I felt he should either piss or get off the pot as they say.

I reached a tipping point where I knew I had to make a decision that was right for me. I could not accept being second best, and rightly so.

You are probably more cool than I am. Smile

storynanny · 21/02/2017 12:47

I feel that a marriage makes a public announcement that you are officially together whereas living together apoears to have a temporary clause attached. Yes i know there is no guarantee about marriage as I have experienced but that is just how I feel.
Havent analysed my feelings about this for about 8 years but this thread has made me think that i would still prefer to be an officially legal partner.

Ellisandra · 21/02/2017 12:58

OP, your comment about tying yourself in knots over whether he loves you as much as his late wife...

Let it go Flowers

My widower fiancé adores me Smile

But honestly - I expect he loved his wife "more" and would trade what we have now in a heartbeat to have her back.

Why?

They had 20 years together. They were happy (she sounds lovely!). She bore him their children. They had the early unencumbered fun years together (no mortgage, no kids). They experienced parenthood together. They bought a first home together. They watched their kids grow. She supported him started his own business, financially and emotionally. They have years of wonderful memories. He also had those final previous devastating intense months together.

He loves me, but not with the same depth.

And that's OK. Our love will be different, and it will grow, and we will experience things together that sadly they could not (retirement!)

I honestly wouldn't be upset in the slightest if he told me today that he loved her "more" - because I'd be shocked if he didn't!

But it's like if he loved her to the moon and back 10x, he loves me that 9x. Maybe it's a little less - but it's still amazing! I don't want to say "enough" because that sounds like settling. He has adored two women - no two loves are identical.

Try to enjoy what you have, and not compare Flowers

WaitedForGodot · 21/02/2017 13:54

excellent post from Ellisandra

love can't be quantified

it just matters that he loves you

sunshinesupermum · 21/02/2017 13:56

Once again Ellisandra you have put into words the way I see the situation of being with a DP who is also a widower. Flowers

EurusHolmesViolin · 21/02/2017 14:18

I think it's ok as long as you're prepared to potentially have to leave your home pretty soon after he dies, should he predecease you. Either because his kids want you gone or because it has to be sold to pay IHT. If you're ok with that, then it's not so risky is it?

Basically in these scenarios you need to think about what happens when the relationship ends. Which it will, either due to death or separation. You sound like you'd be ok in the event of separation, so it's about what happens if he dies first.

MuseumOfCurry · 21/02/2017 14:29

Elisandra Flowers

YouMeddlingKids · 21/02/2017 14:49

To be fair OP from one of your later posts it doesn't sound as if he was chomping at the bit to marry his first wife - were they married by 3 years into the relationship? And the reasons he gave for marrying her were very good reasons, so it doesn't sound as if he's said he wouldn't marry you in the same circumstances, just that the relevant circumstances don't apply. I can't imagine having to start again if dh died, I certainly think the romance of "forever ever after" would be well and truly out of the window which would make the wedding vows uncomfortable.

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