Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

iwas it will be hard.
And completely unfair because you haven't chosen to be innthatnplace but yuthat bare the one who is bearing the brunt of it, the cries and th sadness from your dd1.

I would actually advice you to go and see your GP. See if he can help. I'm not keen on medication myself but this is one of those situation where anti depressants might have a role to play. To allow you to be stronger for yourself and for your dds

Could your dadxome ovr in a regular basis too to give her some support/confort?

Atm I wouldn't rely on your (ex)DH to step up and do something about it. He left because he is struggling tondeal with the dcs and their needs. He won't want to be involved in the consequences of him leaving and the emotional turmoil he has created. (Esp as he won't see it of course. Your dd will probably be just delighted and a happy bunny when she is with him)

Lots of love to you op.
I know it's hard.
I think we've seen he isn't going to be much help. So to avoid disappointment I think you need to stop thinking he might help-plan without him and if he does up his game then it will only be an added bonus.
I know it's difficult to get in they mind set when what you actually want is for him to step up and be the person you thought he was-but honestly once you stop hoping he might step up its easier to deal with when he doesn't iyswim.

Be strong Iwasagirl. Thinking of you.

You sob away all you want.
Could you get to your GP and ask for your meds to be reviewed?
Are you getting counselling / therapy at all?

I don't know about not expecting him to be a good dad anymore - personally I'd look at 3 years of being a good dad against 3 weeks of going awol and just keep trying to get through to him and give the space and opportunity to be there for the girls. Yes you can expect him not to respond or ask for visits so you don't get your hopes up and keep your own sanity but I'd still engage with him about the children in a neutral way.
You have to think as well people that are cold and calculating when they leave a marriage have an exit plan, a place to stay and have taken steps to already leave. The op's husband just seems to have had a breakdown caused by a weekend of finding and connecting to one ow, who now seems to be out of the picture and his dad's news.
Just keep strong and going as you are op. Things will work out either way soon.

You are being the strong one here - he might have done it after your girls were born but you are doing it now and doing so so well.

How are you lovely??
Been thinking about you today!

Your posts in the last 24 hours are heartbreaking to read. I wish I could give you a hug. xx

Here for you too.So sorry you found it so hard this morning and you sound so low.
Please try to see your GP before weekend if you can about how you are and it maybe a review of your meds may now be needed. From my own experience with anxiety/ depression over the years the mornings always seemed the worst to me.
I hope you have some family with you now but you know that there are many on here concerned and thinking about you.

I haven't read all the thread yet but just wanted to say to the op that I am thinking of you and your girls. My husband did they same last year. He was unhappy, needed time for himself, I needed to change etc. Like you him cheating never crossed my mind. This was in the February.

I did everything he asked and in may found out he had been having an affair since the January. I got tickle truth as they call it for the first 2 months and the ow is someone he works with. He has ended it with her and we are trying to work through it. I hate he stills talks to her every day. If you need someone to talk to feel free to pm me. X

How are you op?

Wondering how you are tonight?

I'm ok. I'm at my parents house as he had them overnight and he's got them today.

He's being really inconsistent and confusing. I can't remember if I said but I sent him an email on Tuesday with my suggestion about counselling. He didn't respond. And then that night I had text him about DD1 being distressed and emotional. He didn't respond until the next morning with a detached response but said face timing DD1 would be a good idea. I asked if I could call him, nothing. I then, perhaps stupidly, sent a message saying it's over isn't it? And that he's just trying to avoid a difficult conversation with me. But again, nothing. I tried to call in the evening so DD1 could speak to him, no answer so I left a voicemail. He text me that night about something else but didn't even acknowledge any of my other texts or voicemail. I didn't reply. Then yesterday he sent me a text to say "I'm sorry, I've only just seen your email, I wasn't ignoring you" then another asking how the girls are, then another asking what I'm doing on Mother's Day. I replied to tell him how the girls were but nothing else. Then he asked if I'm okay. I didn't respond. He got there for the handover last night. I just told him what he needed to know. I wasn't rude and if anything I was friendlier than I had been but just spoke about the girls. Then he said "sorry, I wasn't ignoring your texts, I honestly hadn't seen your email". I don't see how but seeing my email affects his ability to reply to my texts. And he hasn't even answered me about the counselling. So he's apologised for not replying to me, but still hasn't replied to me!

Anyway, I'm talking to a nice guy on OLD which is definitely a welcome distraction!

OP. Just RTTT. I can feel how much pain you are in and of course you will be. Your world has come crumbling down and you are being so strong for your dds. But, and here is the but, do you think you are ready for a new relationship at this time?

Does the lovely man on OLD know you've been separated 3 weeks or so? I would hate to think of him being hurt. I say this as you mentioned before signing up to OLD using the joint email which indicated it may be to 'get at' your ex.

You have been amazing and strong. But felt compelled to put the possibility of hurting an innocent man on OLD if you're not completely over your ex and are comfortable with your life as it is now with your dds.

He does know I've only been separated for 4 weeks. He has been in a similar position and completely understands where I am emotionally and how I'm feeling. He knows that I joined OLD to just dip my toe in to dating to see how I feel about it. I see no point in not being honest. He asked me out for coffee and I declined on the basis that this is all very new. So I said it's not a no, but it's a "not yet". He was lovely about it said he understood and if I'm not ready for dating then I've at least got myself a new friend. I have no intention of hurting anyone else. And I have no intention of jumping head first in to a relationship. It's nice to have a distraction, a bit of attention and a confidence boost after a lot of my confidence has been knocked. It's nice to see a message come through to my phone and not dread what it's going to say. He's a nice guy but I'm not about to move in with him and have my kids call him Daddy. I'm being sensible, open and honest with him.

I feel like I'm at a critical point. There's a physical pull to my husband, to want to try to talk things out, to at least understand what has happened and iron everything out so even if it's fully over it's fully resolved with nothing left unsaid. Or alternatively I can move forward, leaving that in the past and overtime just make my peace with not knowing what happened, not knowing if I could have changed it or if I had tried harder it could have worked. If I give in to the pull I open myself up to more potential hurt, I'd still be in the place of trying with him and wanting to make it okay. If I move forward, will I be able to live with myself? Will it just bring more sadness and will I just feel that I've failed by also giving up?

You have asked him to talk and he is blanking you I would give him an ultimatum

Either he meets with u to talk or your taking that as he wants to be over and apply for a legal separation

You're doing really well. Please remember this is very early days.

The biggest hindrance to your recovery right now is the fact your husband hasn't explicitly told you where you stand. You are left hanging. So it's natural you want to talk to him. And it's totally reasonable for you to need to find out what the hell is going on and where you go from here. So even though he's acting like it's over you need him to actually tell you that clearly so you know for sure and can stop wondering if he might come back, if it's just a phase, if he's having a breakdown etc.

But right now he won't give you the answers you need. For one he is currently controlled by the power of hormones which make him think only of his new woman. For another he is keeping his options open because deep down he knows it might go wrong with other woman and he might want to come back at some point. For a third he's a coward and facing that difficult conversation means exposing himself for sure as a bad guy.

Sadly you have no control over him. You have control only over how you respond to him. I'm so, so sorry. It's such an awful shock when your husband turns into a stranger overnight.

The thought of him with the other woman still hurts. A few weeks ago when I asked he said he hasn't seen her. I haven't asked since. I don't really believe him.

He has become a stranger to me but every now and again there is a glimpse of the person I knew and that makes it harder. He appears to be living a double life - when he sees the girls he wants to act like a family. When he's away from us, we don't seem to exist. I'm sure the OW is the reason for this. But whatever the reason it's confusing and unfair for me and the girls.

When I think about a possible ultimatum I think, I don't want to force a permanent, legal separation. The thought of that makes my stomach flip and my anxiety heighten. But then I think about the alternative option - talking to him and finding out what happened - and I don't know if I want that either. I'm back to not knowing what I want, so I think all I can do is carry on getting by day to day and hope that that becomes clearer.

Past today he doesn't have any arrangements to see the girls. When he gave me the plan for this week, about a week ago, he said he would give me a plan for this week later. When I spoke to him last weekend and asked when me and him could talk, he said he would put a plan together and give it to me. I haven't had anything. I won't be chasing him this time. I need to stop enabling him and let him fall flat on his face. I did say before that I wouldn't chase him and I ended up shouting at him about it on the phone. I just need to stick to it this time.

He's being so very unfair to you.

I know you don't want to issue an ultimatum but after leaving you (and your girls) in the limbo for the last few weeks he really doesn't deserve any more time.

In your position I think I would now be taking some control back and making that decision that this is a formal separation.

You can't control how he is behaving or what he feels but you can control your future going forward

This probably sounds very dense but what is a "formal separation"?

There's a definition of "legal separation" on here www.gov.uk/legal-separation

But I suppose what I meant is you communicating to him that you are separated, instead of waiting for him to make any decisions.

I know it's easy for me to say, you ultimately have to do what feels right for you, I just think you've been very patient and given him plenty of space and he is just leaving you hanging on.

Apparently he's sleeping with her. I've told him I'll see a solicitor and make it formal. He disgusts me. He didn't even have the decency to tell me. I had to push it out of him.

I can't stop crying. That's really it.

I'm so sorry

Have you got someone with you?

My Dad is here and me and the girls are staying at my parents tonight.

He just kept telling me it's not about her. If that were true he would have ended things more reasonably.

I hate him so much.

Oh my dear I am so sorry. I know you kept hope alive. He is so brutal to keep you hanging on like this and not giving you the truth. It must be like a blow all over again.